Why some people are functional after childhood abuse and others not?

I also dwell on this frustration. It comes from toxic comparison, which I think is also a CPTSD thing. Feeling on the outside looking in and desiring to participate in normalcy so badly.

I just wanted to say you are not weak... This isn't about strength or discipline, it's about primitive self-preserving responses and hardcore conditioning development through years of abuse. It's a process that involves the recuperation of the nervous system, hormone levels, brain activity besides psychological reframing.

I think we achieve more when we strive to recognize our victories (even if we think they are small) because they serve as stabilizers so we can manage other tasks in the future. You said you walk your dog and I thought that's actually impressive because for me it gets hard even going outside my apartment when in a crisis, I can stay locked in for many days on end.

CPTSD is a very severe condition and many people can't work. It's the same exact symptoms as PTSD (think soldiers) but even MORE SEVERE and persistent! It also has 3 additional severe symptoms as well. No one should be ashamed of having such a terrible mental illness causing them to be disabled. I only know one person with CPTSD that works and it's extremely difficult.

Here is the official diagnostic criteria for CPTSD! Exciting that we have it and can be diagnosed!

https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/http%3a%2f%2fid.who.int%2ficd%2fentity%2f585833559

I really relate to this. I asked myself the same thing last night: why am I so weak? I feel like I didn’t “earn” my CPTSD.

Some people have red hair. Some are really tall. Some people are emotionally sensitive.

And emotional sensitivity makes us much more likely to experience permanent damage from shitty childhoods.

We are no more to blame than a red-head is for needing higher doses of painkillers or a tall person for developing back problems.

Resilience. Some ppl grew up having some positive adult relationships in their lives and others did not. These important emotional bonds early on make a huge difference.

My SO and I had similar childhoods. The difference, he had his father’s side of the family that loved him and took care of him when lived with them. I did not.

He is way more functional than I.

I did ok until I was 36 then had a complete mental health breakdown. Don't know if that helps. :)

I feel like I'm functional out of necessity and fear. I am my only financial support and being out on the streets is a terrifying thought. I can hold it together long enough to go to work. I can be a complete mess when I get home.

I rapidly cycle between high-performance/perfectionism and depression/disassociation.

It’s not something I chose, and I’m actually in therapy trying to live in a “grey area”, but basically I have been highly rewarded by society for my ability to perform and function in a hyperactive way, so it’s something I truly don’t want to give up.

I’ve also gone through extreme bouts of depression, and that sucks, but for some reason when my fight/flight kicks in, I can force myself to accomplish great things before I burnout again.

No advice, but don’t feel bad. People who are still performing are still traumatized underneath the surface.

I am the same way. Along with what other people are saying in the comments, in my case, I think that my issues with selective mutism, being bullied at school, my parents not caring about that, and therefore never learning how to socialize caused me even more damage than my brothers who are more socialized (but are honestly pretty terrible people. I don't talk to them). I think that certain things like neurodivergence, medical problems, social isolation, and emotional neglect can make a person more vulnerable to being traumatized.

It's not weakness. It's a legitimate disability directly caused by abuse/neglect.

Because sometimes being high functioning was a mandatory and we have internalized that. I remember going to school beaten up. I was still expected to have the highest grades - nothing less. There was days when I have been crying all night - still went to school and was on my best. I know it sounds so good but it’s not. I have internalized that I cannot be weak, needy and sick. I could literaly be with arm ripped off and I would call that I’ll be in meeting. I have 0 empaty for myself. If I let myself just do nothing - I hate myself afterwards. I cannot stop being prodactive by society standarts because if I do, I’ll hate myself. I cannot ask for help because that’s what weak people do - so my abusers beat into me. I needed to be well behaved, high achiver 100% of time. It’s exhausting and has tremendous helth effects. My body goes until I have some serious helth issue which just makes be on bed rest. I have worked years in therapy and it’s better. But I still cannot not feel guilty for being normal human.

It’s not a choice. It’s brutal and awful and different brains adapt in different ways to cope.

My brain chose to disconnect basically all my emotions and put me into auto pilot. I had no idea how to be a human, so I watched those around me. I became a huge people pleaser with no boundaries and a workaholic.

I could just have easily become an alcoholic (both my parents and grandparents are). I still wonder how I escaped that. It wasn’t a choice, as much as I’d like to claim it was.

Society values workaholics and I was rewarded and accepted for it, it reinforced what I was doing. It took burning out to realize how unhealthy it was.

I'm pretty high functioning. Emotional numbing + constant dissociation + stress response. I'm severely depressed and have been since I was a kid, I do not love life. I am just instinctually afraid to die and if I do not go to work, feed myself, etc, I will die. Right now I'm in a period of my life where my functioning has started to 'slip' a little-I've had trouble getting out of bed, showing up to work, and it's extremely stressful but I'm also the least suicidal I've been in years. Because I'm actually getting to experience emotions, even the negative painful ones like loneliness and frustration and grief. It's like I get to be human, instead of an animal who is just trying to fend off death.

Mine manifested in my 20s 30s and early '40s as being a workaholic. And then I hit a brick wall and I am now almost 50, disabled, and unable to work. So even those of us who look like they were functional, aren't. We're just masking.

i'm only functional when my existence is threatened. as soon as my basic needs are met, i collapse and all the progress i've made is undone. then something awful happens and i'm functioning again. sometimes, when i'm really stuck, i pray for something awful to happen to me so i can be alive again. i don't really want something bad to happen, i just want to be a person again. i wish i knew the answer too. we sound like we're around the same age, close to 25 - i hope we both live long enough to find the answer and to be the people we want to be.

Honestly as someone who is high functioning I think it's because although I was physically abused as a kid I was also loved and cared for. Also high functioning sound like a stupid name because you are basically walking on a tight rope trying to not fall off constantly and it's not like you are a functional human being. You can feed yourself and go to work but thats about it. I mean for me it was like being fueled by anxiety to do the bare minimum things I had to do. I mean being fueled by anxiety sucks but I guess it did get me by so there is that.

These people likely have outside support or strong connections outside the abusers

You living under your abuser’s roof is a major trigger for depressive episodes (even if you love life) and further traumatisation (not blaming you just giving a probable explanation as to you feel that way). Don’t compare yourself to others. People have different circumstances, biology, environmental, financial, and practical factors, and doesn’t make you “weak”.

Just remember that it’s very difficult and taxing to lift 1 finger in the thick of a depressive episode. Leaving is not as easy, given that your abusers, more likely than not, will try to sabotage your plans.

If you’re 18: Take your time into thinking through the details of an exit strategy. It’s a lot of work, time and effort, but take all the time you need and actively work on this. If you have documented/recorded the abuse (and you have to do this as much as possible to show that it’s a pattern), take that to the concerned authorities in your country. Psychological abuse is violence too (Don’t forget to save multiple copies of the evidence, so you never lose it).

There are some people who do better engaging with their feelings and processing their experiences. Other people prefer to put it all behind them and focus on just the present and future. It all depends on what kind of person you are. Both methods have theor pros and cons. Emotional processors run the risk of long term depression. Put it behind them people run the risk of trauma simmering in the background which can potentially come bursting out in times of stress.

You are not weak. I have gone through cycles in my life where I was exactly where you were, I even flunked out of my first semester of college because I just couldn't go to school. I avoided conflict and was unable to function to the point where I was fired from something I really cared about. I was in full freeze mode. It took years for me to get out of it, and it wasn't until EMDR (at least for me) and leaving my abusers far behind that I was able to find a modicum of stability. I'm personally so impressed you can get out and walk your dog. In the worst of my freeze moments, I didn't even eat.

Add all of that to the fact that you are living with your abuser, and that means you're still in survival mode. How can you thrive when your brain is doing all can to keep you alive? It's taking all of its effort just to do that. I'm not sure what you've tried already to leave, but is there any singular blocker preventing you from doing so? Financials?

So I've seen the flip side, the people who experience horrible childhood abuse and by most common social metrics stay consistently functional anyway. That path is absolutely miserable and is made of suffering, you really don't want that!

My grandfather was the sort of abusive where he eventually murdered one of his ex girlfriends. He had four children. To the best of my knowledge, half grew up to be abusers and the other half to be severely abused, but they all kept up the social norms of holding down jobs, marrying, raising kids. They all did that by assuming their father's behavior towards them during childhood was right and proper. Like their stories always include the abuser's logic and not their own, "I was a little shit so they had to beat me."

To the best of my knowledge, none of the four broke the cycle of abuse. I have horror stories and so do all my cousins. The ones who survived anyway. Got a horrible habit of trying to unalive ourselves before we hit 18 to escape the generational abuse, and at least two cousins have been successful so far. The ones who survive tend to go low or no contact with their parents.

I vote for the other path. "I behaved in unusual ways during childhood because I was trapped in an unusual environment. I am not okay, and it's understandable that I'm not okay because really nobody could be okay after what I've been through."

Plus it's not like there's an established end date. My mom was dead more than a decade before a family secret got spilled and I had one last reason to be furious with her for lying to me. The day dad tried to sell me to a pedo was just a weird memory I didn't entirely understand until my 30s, when I finally put together the context clues and understand what was really going on that day. I would expect the understanding that my dad tried to sell me to be a whole new fission of trauma, and it was. Every so often my brain replays another "weird memory" with context highlighted and I feel the urge to puke and cry and hide in a closet because I knew it was weird/wrong then but now I understand and it's extra gross.

But ya know, I don't hit kids! My stepkids loved me and insisted on giving me lots of hugs, and the worst "punishment" they ever got was asked to watch a few episodes of a relevant "how to be nicer" TV show plus a long talk about choices and behaviors and outcomes. Always made it clear nothing is about right or wrong, or about breaking rules, but it's about Health and Safety, and wanting them to have a good life in the long run. If that required repeating myself for an hour in different ways and telling stories to illustrate my point until it was understood, well that was my job as a fill-in-mom.

These days I nanny for the younger cousins. 3yo cousin thinks I'm his super best friend. When he cries, I don't repeat the old trash like "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" I just offer a hug and let him sit on my knee while saying things like "I know buddy, it's a big feeling! It's alright, you go ahead and cry, let that big feeling out!" All he knows about my childhood is that I had to learn how to be the meanest member of our family to survive it, and that's why he's safe with me, because deep down I'm meaner than any monster. I wish he didn't know that about me, but he caught on the day a pedo tried to follow us home from the park.

1) The people who are judging you for not being "disciplined" are being garbage. This isn't a matter of disciple. It's your brain trying to keep you safe.

2) Sometimes the people who "are functional" and the ones who aren't are the SAME PEOPLE. I was so disabled by my C-PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect that I was on SSI/SSDI, and I got them on the first go-around. I've now been working for the past 15 years solid. This won't be your forever.

3) Therapy is key--but you have to find the right option for you!! For me, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) worked VERY well. Brain spotting is similar. And lately I've been doing Internal Family Systems work. Make sure any therapist you work with is well-versed in trauma informed practices, and never be afraid to fire someone who isn't a good fit.

4) Don't give up. You're not "broken." Your brain is trying to protect you. It sounds like you're stuck in a "freeze" loop (out of the fight-flight-freeze-fawn trauma responses). I used to have the same thing, and I'd lose hours where my brain would go blank. Like, I couldn't snap myself out of it no matter what I tried when I was experiencing the worst of it.

5) It can help to figure out what's triggering your responses, but this should be done with a therapist to guide if at all possible.

You're going to make it <3 I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Just remember that right now isn't forever.

I feel like this is the envy my siblings have for my situation. I've been on my own since I was 18. They won't ever admit I was abused but still believe I "left the family" and I've been selfish. That's what my dad parrots so it's what they think but truly deep down I think they just hate me because I've only ever needed myself. I had to learn to be this way and I had to leave that area and get sober to do it. Idk how I did it. It's been a miracle getting away and out and coming into my own clarity. It's so fucking hard. But I tried to stick around and help but it was killing me getting into the same battles with my family as I would be when I lived there defending them physically and financially and emotionally. It was exhausting. But I'm out and I don't know when my siblings will realize staying would have killed me. I don't know how to make them care.

It's not your fault. It's not you. You're out and that's what matters.

Idk I pretended I was fine and the Stuff Didn't Affect me At All, ignoring all the signs until my long messy breakdown aged 29-35. Held down a job until I'd just turned 35.

I guess the functional ones are prone to having the fight response as their daily mode of being

It’s luck. Some people think it is resilience, which I don’t disagree with, but I think it really boils down to luck. Maybe some people find a trusted adult in a teacher or counselor of some sort; maybe they have a sibling who shielded them from the full weight of the abuse. Either way, it is just a matter of the spin of the wheel as to whether or not they had someone like that to help them; I do not think most people have what it takes to do it completely on their own, and I hate it when people compare themselves to people who had help (whether those people admit or not).

I'll say this, my intrusive, emotionally neglectful, untreatedly mentally ill parents made me extraordinarily good at doing everything on my own, but if there'd been some other flavor of abuse mixed in (physical, sexual, open verbal assault?) I could so easily see that all falling apart. I guess it was "good" they didn't deliberately go on a mission to make me hate myself, or I'd have hated myself way more than I already did when I got out.

If you are still living with your abuser it makes perfect sense that on some level, you want to make yourself small. Why would you try, when that person is right there to notice if you try? When abusers notice progress, they can't help but fuck it all up...

You're not weak. The freeze response doesn't spring out of nowhere.

Oh the feels here. Days weeks months hiding in my bed, or at least my room. I just could not figure out what was wrong with me. So much sad. So much confusion. I tried so hard, so many times, just to end up back in bed.

My family punished me every time I screwed up, that I saw. And then punished me more when I was successful, or was on the verge of being successful. It took decades for me to see that. I believed that my family really did want the best for me. They told me so. Society told me so.

I just could not be satisfactory or acceptable. Anything I said was wrong because I was the one that said it. Anything I did was inadequate because I was the one that did it. Real life example, when I got an 89 on a test, I had not tried hard enough. The next test in the same class I got a 91, I was criticized for wasting too much time studying.

If I did achieve something that had to be recognized because society expected it, like graduating from college, the next months were filled with nagging, harping and shrewing until I was back were I belonged, in bed.

We have a golden child/scapegoat family system. As the scapegoat I was never allowed to out shine the golden child. The older golden child launched at 18 and then made a complete mess of her own life, so mine had to be worse, in everything all of the time. Each time she f-ed up and failed she came back home and made my life a living misery. She failed so many, many times. Staying bed and being non functional was the only safe space in my life.

Stepping out of my room meant constant condescension and disgust. It was so normal in my life I didn’t even realize it was happening. I honestly believed I was the problem because the people I loved and trusted told me so. I finally made it out and made something of my life despite the never ending sabotage. It took going no contact to completely end the sabotage.

IDK if this is your circumstance. But I’m going to bet this comes from outside of you and not inside of you. Just because we reach 18 does not mean the abuse stops at 18. And not everyone in a family is abused the same way.

I truly hope you find a way out from under the covers. Hugz & Hugz & Hugz

First off, you are not weak. None of us are. We are survivors doing the best we can to heal from sh*t we didn't create.

My story:

I've always been one to function under pressure, in fact, I would thrive on it. I didn't have any time to think about my past and felt like I was in control. I wasn't.

I started therapy about 3 years ago with a childhood trauma specialist. I've uncovered some true horrors.

Part of the healing process meant that my usual tools, living in a fog of dissociation, were no longer available to me. Sure, I have new tools but they are clunky and I don't always remember them or use them properly in the moment I need them most. Change is hard.

I have a loving spouse, we own a home, have a car paid off, working on our student loan debt. If you were to look at my life on paper, it looks like I'm just over here thriving and living my best life. I'm GREAT at masking. In fact, it's part of how I survived my parents, who didn't allow me to have any emotions they didn't sanction.

Last week I started to have a panic attack while on a work call. It was a guest speaker so nothing big. I was even being praised for some work.

It was like I was underwater and nobody on that call seemed real, or maybe I was the one who wasn't real. I've had my fair share of panic attacks but nothing like this.

It was like that mean voice of my abusers was coming from my own head, in my own voice but the "dark side" version of me (for the Star Wars fans). It was loud and on repeat just terrible things: loser, worthless, faker, you don't belong, they will abandon you like everyone else, you don't deserve what you have, it will all be taken from you, even your spouse hates you how could he not you are damaged.

Just really mean things that I thought I had control of. I didn't.

Usually, I can talk to the mean voices and shut them up. This time, they laughed back at me. Told me how pathetic I was.

I did manage to get into my doctor for emergency medication and that has helped.

Now, I'm like a lost soul. I don't know how to recover, or pick back up at work. I feel like a burden to everyone in my life. I'm just lost.

I'm working with my therapist and realize that I've not done the work to shift the blame off of me and onto my abusers. It seems like a no brainer right? Not for me, and I'm sure many others can relate to this.

I'm telling my story to say that even for those of us who seem to have it together, many of us are a panic attack away from my desolation.

I was the workaholic, loner. You can only outrun your trauma for so long, it will always catch up to you.

I was "okay" till I wasn't. None of us are immune. Some may be able to mask better and some may be further along on the healing journey.

I will say that looking back, I would never have started to heal if I were still living with or even near my abusers. I just would never have found the courage to break that cycle. That's partly why I moved when I was younger. I knew I would be stuck if I stayed and I didn't want that.

I can't say how I did it because I had help. My husband was just my friend back then and he helped by giving me a place to land when I moved. Helped me get a job and I'm so grateful for him. He was patient and understanding when we went to dating, then when talking about marriage. I never wanted that because of my family.

Him showing me what love is, both from his actions and his family. I feel truly blessed to have had that in my life. Not everyone has that. It's not your fault.

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It depends on circumstances you can’t really compare yourself with others like this

Being a workaholic and being extremely independent will eventually collapse if you have CPTSD

I was functional because I got pregnant and knew that I came from a messed up family and went through some stuff but in order to raise my child I put it all behind me and forgot about it and tried to make the best of everything. We didn't have a village no matter how hard I tried. Then in my mid 30s my abuser triggered a flashback with their then current behavior and that led me on a path to healing. Before that, not addressing or evening knowing what happened to me, I was having anxiety attacks and had no idea why. However at the time my husband was an alcoholic and I didn't stray too far from behavior that I thought was normal having known nothing else up until then. I managed GED, college, a professional career and almost 20 years of work by putting myself on the back burner and forgetting everything. Now I'm 57 and still working on it, in therapy, on medication, reading self help books, etc.

Why couldn't my trauma just manifested as being a workaholic or being extremely independent and a loner?

Well I did that for decades. Yes, it was a useful way of coping, as it got me out and my life sorted. But it requires a lot of repression, and the price of living like that over time is pretty high. I got really, really depressed, and when I started stirring that pot, my functioning plummeted real quick. So all in all, not a great long term strategy. You're not weak. It's not nonfunctional to feel bad about things that are, in fact, pretty bad.

I want to say I’ve found this thread comforting. I wish this on no one, but it sure helps to know I’m not alone in being this way.

Hey, I can only speak for my own experiences and I don't know if it will be helpful, but I'm a "functional" workaholic loner and feel the exact same way that you do most days.

I left my abusive home to go to university after being an unemployed high school drop-out. I left because it was the only option for me. If I hadn't have left, I wouldn't be around anymore. I felt like I had to keep my abused past all a secret to make it anywhere, and it was incredibly isolating, but I'm working through that, and learning to open up and heal.

The reality of it is that having work, hobbies, and a social life (even a small one) is necessary for me to keep surviving in a way that makes me happy. A lot of the time, when I have the days where I want to crawl into bed and stay there, and I get up anyway, it ends up being a really good day.

It hasn't fixed me and it hasn't fixed my life, but it keeps me going, because I really believe that there's a good life out there that's worth living, and that all of the pain and struggle that goes into living it will be worth it someday.

I hope things gets better for you, and I hope you can find a life that makes you genuinely and truly happy, because that and nothing less is what you deserve.

I have a theory about this.

I have CPTSD and so does my younger sister.

I have a successful career, a healthy marriage and everything looks dandy on paper. I’m always there to helps others, and I’m considerate.

She wasn’t able to stick to anything, always an excuse for everything, always mean to almost everyone.

We are both fucked up. But it turns out that I might have been way more fucked up than she is, all along.

We both carry emotional scars from abuse, but all this time she has been unloading all of that on everyone else, which made her life very difficult, it was unfair and it made it challenging to be a part of her life. But at least she was well enough to understand that she didn’t deserve to be abused, and she didn’t do it to herself.

I, on the other hand, never quite understood that. I carry the same hurt as she does, but I unload it all on myself. That’s how I’ve accomplished everything I did so far, by pushing myself way harder than I should have, by not respecting my own limits, running on fear, anxiety and self-loathing.

I’ve been doing therapy for over 10 years. She only needed 6 months of therapy to get her life on track. She’s so much better than I am now, at least emotionally.

What I mean to say is that, it is very logical that a person will have to deal with consequences of having been abused. If you can’t see those consequences at plain sight, chances are that they’re internalising all their shit. That looks better from the outside, but it’s much worst medium and long-term, and it’s much less healthy and wise.

I know it sucks to feels bad. But, awful things were done to you, so if you feel bad that means that your emotional alarm system has not broken. It is harder when it’s broken.

Also, what you’re describing could well be undiagnosed ADHD. I’m not saying it is, I’m just saying that I’ve been through similar things, and in my case, it was.

still live under my abusers roof

This is one of the problems. You can't heal in the same environment you were harmed. While you may not be physically in danger now, because you're an adult, your body surprisingly doesn't know that. It freezes because it's scared and doesnt have a safe adult to tell it that it's ok now, safe now. You have to be that adult, to your inner child and literally out loud tell yourself "I'm safe, no one is attacking me, no one is out to get me, no one is hurting me, and if anything happens I can just leave."

As a child you were unable to leave and got stuck in freeze. Until you are out of that environment, your entire existence must be dedicated to survival, on a primal subconscious level.

Have you considered going to trauma recovery therapy (EMDR?)

Like a lot of the comments my trauma DID manifest as workaholism and 0/10 do NOT recommend. My entire sense of self-worth was placed on doing well in my career and pleasing my managers, I had no friends, couldn't keep my house clean, would lie in bed binge-eating and watching TV after work because no energy left, but would show up in the morning and be the best employee ever. Now I look back and it's like, I can't believe I really thought living like that was ok??

For just over a year now, I've been back with my parents unable to find work using my law degree (that I got when I was still a workaholic and now don't want). For awhile I was just working retail 20 hrs / week and even that was a struggle, I would often go home exhausted. Now? I'm working almost 40 hours again, between retail and tutoring, but my approach to it is sooo different. Now if I wake up and it's a struggle to get out of bed I don't absolutely force myself until I'm crying, I go you know what? We're just gonna be 20 minutes late today. If they ask me to work another hour and I don't feel like it? I just say no. On my days off I make time for myself, making sure I go on adventures alone and buy myself little treats. I enjoy the job overall but it isn't my whole life. I like my managers, but don't feel beholden to them, and am looking for other jobs that will pay more.

I hope you will also begin to come out of your freeze state soon and find a more healthy balance, it's definitely hard but I believe we can heal and build better relationships with work.

• Most people who go through a traumatic event will not develop PTSD.

• About 6 out of every 100 people (or 6% of the U.S. population) will have PTSD at some point in their lives. Many people who have PTSD will recover and no longer meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD after treatment. So, this number counts people who have PTSD at any point in their life, even if their symptoms go away.

• About 5 out of every 100 adults (or 5%) in the U.S. has PTSD in any given year. In 2020, about 13 million Americans had PTSD.

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/common/common_adults.asp

Why do some people go trough childhood negligence and manage to turn 18 and leave?

I can only speak for myself.

I realized that I was all i had. I realized that I must be successful if i want to remove myself from my parent's home.

This was a problem. I didn't have any money. So i needed to get skills. So i got some. I did work, studied and barely passed tests. I hated every bit of it. But I kept my eye on the prize - freedom from my parents. After enough time, and failures and successes, I had skills. (This took 5 years)

I went out and tried to find someone to employ me - no experience, no good grades, and no extra curriculars. I spent 1 year trying to find someone to give me a shot. Durring that year, I worked at a grocery store so I could pay some of my bills. I moved back in with my parents, gained 30 lbs immediately and isolated.

Eventually, after smashing my fingers unloading frozen turkeys from trucks for thanksgiving grocery shopping, I got an interview and it went well. They were on the fence, but were willing to give me a shot. I quite the grocery, I started my new job. I like the people - they were friendly and helpful. I moved out of my parents into a roomate situation that was cheap. I kept my head down, my expenses low and worked to earn some years of experience that I could put on my resume. My new goal became: Last 3 years at this job then move on.

I was laid off at 3.2 years. That same week, my car broke, and the floor in my house leaked and black mold grew under my carpet in the room I slept in.

I borrowed a car and while it was unregistered, drove around to various job interviews trying to get someone to give me a chance. I was passed up 11 times, and with 3 years of relevant experience. I was on unemployment by this time.

Eventually, i got an interview across town. I was 15 minutes late due to road construction on that side of town that I didn't know about or account for. I figured I wouldn't get the job so I gave up in my head. I showed up, apologized for being late due to the unknown construction plaguing this side of town.

I tried the least on this interview because I figured I wouldn't get it because I was late.

I was offered the job. And I ended up with the best mentor ever.

My point is that the road looks like hell but if you keep going forward and handle each challenge along the way, you will get somewhere close to where you want to be.

And just in case you were wondering, no I'm still not happy or fulfilled. I have a career and valuable skills. I'm still the hurt little boy inside wondering why no one loves me.

My favorite lines from one of my favorite movies is:

"I guarantee you that at some point, everything's gonna go south on you. And you're gonna say, 'This is it. This is how I end.' Now you can either accept that... or you can get to work. "

"You just do the math and solve the problem. And then onto the next problem and solve that problem. And solve the next problem too. And if you solve enough problems, you get to go home."

This is my life, currently. I don't know where home is, or what it looks like. But I'm headed there.

For me it was desperation i was living with my gpa for less then a year after i left and my job was the only thing keeping me grounded it was the only connection i had and about the only place where i could expel pent up energy i moved about 6+ times that year going from place to place to place i ended that year in my own apartment that only lasted till april (cause my landlady a bitch) and i was back at my gpas where i stayed till i moved to the city (about 3 years)

i got some help from people that work for the state and mostly friends and family the only reason i got out was my gpa and he expected me to go back (haha no) so between a decent support system and my abusive mother leaving the state around 2 months after i left which was good cause before that i couldn't stop looking over my shoulder before she left

I only saw her twice after i moved once because she found me at a public place and once to sign some paper for the insurance i didn't know i had both of which sent me into survival mode (yay) and kinda fucked up my day but my type is basically bawl my eyes out in a car and go work for 8 hours even if i hate it i put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to keep going with the reminder of all i have is me and i have no other choice I've always been a hard worker too so that helps

I had an episode happen when my abuser called me and i slammed the phone down and ran out of the house and went to a friend's for 3 days in case she was around (was a local number so i wasn't sure) but every time dealing with them gives me a massive panic attack (she tried to message me online and i had to take an extra break from work) so its not like im doing great im mostly just surviving and existing i really want to get to where im safe and can stay put but thats a few years off

im sorry you are feeling this way, truly. it is NOT a fun place to be in, i can vouch. but, part of me is just happy to hear that im actually not alone, on a foreign island or planet. each day gets harder & harder. at the end of some (most) days, i just sit & reflect, truly wondering how i made it through the day! 😔

You aren’t weak. We are all different. I also struggle quite a bit. But it’s also not always obvious when someone is struggling.

You aren’t alone. I think a lot of it has to do with personality, a persons support system and overall stress tolerance. But overall many people have trouble after experiencing childhood abuse.

I was "functional" for 90% of my life. That's what was expected of me. Nothing was ever wrong. It wasn't until my son validated my (adopted) father's abuse and gave me permission to cut him out of our lives. It means no inheritance. I stayed in that wholly toxic and abusive relationship because I wanted my son to have it easier. Be it for education, plastic surgery, down payment on a home... I wanted my father to give my son what he failed to give me. He'd always made it clear I was going to have to figure shit out myself, meaning he was justified in continually reminding me how devoid of value I was to him. He'd taken the only commodity he'd deemed valuable when I was 7. During the pandemic I had a medical emergency that was ignored by multiple doctors. I was literally yelled at by an urgent care doctor. They made me a statistic in the worst way. Things broke. Many things. So many things. I changed insurance and began trauma therapy. It's been 2 years and I'm not convinced there's a state of "healing" I'll ever really reach. That's a lot of work and what, with end stage Capitalism coming to a head and climate change speeding up - do I really wanna put in that effort?!?! Agoraphobia is really not that bad. I don't know if I'm capable of masking anymore. My autistic brain has run the data and masking had been not only detrimental to my mental health, but also played a significant role in the failure to diagnose my autism until I was 50. I dunno... Just staying broken and riding it out until either my life ends or humankind ends might be a now comfortable way to spend my few remaining years. Why face my demons when I can eat them, like I've been doing my whole life? At least if I die of heart failure/stroke, my kid gets my life insurance. I get to give him that "start", after all.

Personally i don't really know if i really have cptsd or not, if at all the symptoms are rather minor i think. Just a slight confusion and lack of sense of self (though that's not minor, i can repress it enough not to impact me and gaining friends has helped me learn about myself too). I can work, i like to work (i work as a therapist of some sorts and have a small helpers complex). I have hobbies that i take my time for. I just hate being unproductive, but i take joy in the things i do and i have a somewhat optimistic worldview.

My parents were pretty neglectful and emotionally abusive to a level where it highly concerns people when i talk about it. I did however have resources. I had a lot of fantasy/creativity and could escape into daydreams, drawing and videogames, all of which i still do except the daydreams being written down as sole stories without self-insert characters. I have an extraordinarily high IQ as professionally diagnosed a long time ago which my therapist always claims has helped me a lot to distance myself from the abuse going on. I had the chance to visit a boarding school five days a week and gain actual social skills and awareness of what was going on.

My brother on the other hand whilst not having the same father (doesn't even really matter as my father was negligent when i visited and i mostly played with my brothers on his side, wondering why my father was so far away), does not have these resources. Despite his situation being a little different, we still grew up under the mostly same circumstances most of the time. He likes to build/fix things but i don't think he really has a hobby. He visits a different school than i visited, one less academical and thus his social environment cannot bring some kind of awareness to his situation, they might come from similar households as well. He cannot distance hisself from his parents physically or mentally and as far as i know, his IQ is pretty average (though it hasn't been tested by anyone). As a result, his social skills are very low, he's incredibly insecure and tries to gain attention by complaining about the most random things and his mind seems incredibly foggy (observed in the way he tells stories and how he writes his exams - it's all over the place). I cannot see his personality and he might as well be a wandering coping mechanism and even though he's still in the situation, i do not see him doing well outside of it.

So resources. Having a useful way to cope, having useful genes, having opportunities to distance oneself.

Luck, pretty much.

i am/was functional honestly bcuz my life depended on it. i was homeless twice (18 & 19), women's shelter was horrid looking so i worked as much as i could to stay afloat in the motel i stayed in. it sucked and i wanted to just have a minute to i guess process it all but i had to work so i could shower, wash my clothes, eat etc so i could make it to work the next day. Rinse and repeat until my parent let me back. I am in my mid 30s now been on my own and am only just now gettin to a point where i can take my first vacation in my life.

i have gone through alot including being off work for a year during 18-now. Ur body is obviously needing u to stop/slow down. It may not always be like this but for now just try to not think so negatively about yourself for everythin u have dealt with.

As a workaholic, it sucks. A lot of what you said I feel as well. People depend too much on me and for some if I don’t meet their standards then they don’t want me around or they say mean stuff and it makes me want to rip their eyes out too. I wish I could just stop but I feel like I’ve dug myself a big ass hole. I want a life too. I don’t really feel like I’m living much. I want a life where I’m actually doing things I want (which are productive things) and do them slow enough where I can enjoy it and really learn, really work, really be present. We naturally find meaning in work, like not just monetary meaning, but a purpose not only to live but to be connected with the world. In reality I feel like I’m just working as a means of hoping one day I won’t have to worry about my bare necessities. More than anything I really want to rip my own eyes out. I’m so tired of working.

Edit: I feel like every time I look at this sub I can’t believe how many people are just like me. Literally like the stuff some people wrote looks like it came out of my journal.

Coping and running away. I used work to get away from home. I ran on energy drinks, cigarettes, imaginary worlds and my fight or flight. I am healing now and I have destroyed my body and mind to the point of no return. It will always come back to haunt you. Either now or later. You are not weak because you didn't or couldn't do it. Others that did aren't strong or better. We just all cope differently. We all find ways to ignore and pretend we are okay. That doesn't make us stronger or weaker. It makes us individuals. I also compared myself constantly to others. How far in life they are what they accomplish. Dwelled on my own shortcomings. It is getting better, being aware and stopping myself doing so. Deleting social media helped a tremendous amount. But the main thing is to realize and focus on yourself. Not others. You are still here, you might have gotten out of bed today. All good small steps to progress. Focus on those. Heal your relationship with yourself slowly. Accept how much you can do and what you cannot do and draw strength from putting down boundaries and achieving even little things.

Sorry for the long rambling xD hope you find inner peace and heal slowly. All the best on your journey!

Thank you thank you thank you for posting this.

I shame myself daily and isolate because I feel trivial compared to what others in my life have endured or are currently enduring. This is part of the trauma that happened to me. I've been vaguely aware that my self esteem is in the dumps but lately, looking directly at it, I'm wrecked over just how much I hurt myself. I'm witholding from myself almost in exactly the same manner that my family did.

Which was fine when I was focused on building my career. I had everything locked up tight though. I did become a workaholic.

But now I need support and I'm realizing I'm totally inexperienced in dealing with my emotions. So now I'm frozen. I'm trying to be patient with myself and take my time, it's not easy. It's a daily practice. I know it's worth it, I do not want to ever feel like I did in my last relationship again. I stayed way past the expiration date and it deepened and reinforced the wounds of childhood. It is uncomfortable to learn healthy. So weird to think that abuse/neglect is comfort, huh?

So be kind to yourself, feel free to reach out any time ❤️

I feel like much of our responses are genetic, sort of like how I have a son that's very outgoing and a daughter that was horribly shy until she married a man that helped her to come out of her shell in ways I never could, I was always afraid to address it, afraid I would damage her because I was damaged.

My husband is also horribly shy and I could physically see the same reactions in her that I saw in him from a young age. I feel I am a very outgoing person too but the trauma I experienced broke me to the point that I withdrew from the world and while I could give the appearance of being outgoing when I needed it, I was a nurse and being gregarious in that profession helped me to put patients at ease, but it was more like a costume I put on and once I walked out of the hospital I would become insular and isolate.

I ended up going through a practical nursing program for a year to get my diploma. I aggressively pursued having a career because I knew if I didn't I would be trapped with my parents who were my abusers. I wouldn't say I was disciplined or that was the key, in hindsight looking back as the old woman I am now I can confidently say I was running, I was looking for a way out. As a kid it was leaving the house all day on my bike or to school and then my bike, out and away from them as much as possible. I ran several other times for real in my teen years, lived in an abandoned hat factory for awhile, but I had no street smarts and every time I ran the cops would find me so that eventually I gave up running in that way.

As a young adult that translated to pushing to get my nursing diploma because it was another form of escape.

So if you were to compare us: you freeze in place/ I run. I don't think either is healthy really. I got away from my parents but not until I was 28 for good, even after I got my diploma I was constantly pulled back: come do this for me, I need you, you owe me, I gave birth to you, etc.

I feel like at least part of what you are describing could be depression. I went through that after I married and I say this because that's the point where I froze in place because, mission accomplished, married and out of my parent's house so my drive to achieve anything that was fueled with, well, fear, that completely evaporated. Quit working and stayed home to be a 'housewife' when what I did was clean the house in like 30 minutes, cooked dinner in 30 minutes, and spent the rest of the day in our tiny duplex camped out on the couch with our chow-chow watching daytime television and stuffing my face, incapable of doing anything with all this extra time I had except to do damage to myself which I was really good at.

I finally did therapy through financial assistance as we struggled with just one income. That was the beginning of crawling out of the pit. After 6 months in therapy I felt good enough that I went back to work and didn't leave again until I retired.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling and I absolutely relate.

I just want to share that you may be overestimating how functional some of us are. I consider myself lucky in that I can usually pass as someone who is fully functioning if not successful. I have a PhD and a good job. I seem like the workaholic loner you said you wanted to be. I also have the worst executive functioning skills outside of the office out of everyone I know. I essentially keep it mostly together at work and then fall apart badly enough that I've barely escaped being involuntarily institutionalized multiple times. Just last night I froze in bed exactly like you describe. That PhD took me 12 years and a leave of absence to obtain.

Please be kind to yourself. I don't want to minimize your struggles, but some of the people you're comparing yourself to are truly less different from you than you think.

I think you should cut yourself some slack. I have severe CPTSD as well, and I am exactly like you describe, not depressed, but cannot work and 'function' at a very very low level (most of the day hiding under the covers as you describe, most days cannot leave the house even if I try, have to do housework in 5 minute stints).

And.. I am long out of any abuse. I am literally over *20 YEARS* away from the traumas, and I have a loving family.

You are doing amazing. Honestly, you are so strong and I am in awe of your strength. I pray you get away from the source of your trauma. I think you'd do great xx

Genetics. There is a lot of studies that are very heavily back up that shows genetics plays a part. There is a gene for anger and a gene for anxiety which if the person grows up in a loving, nurturing environment, the gene does not get activated. If they don’t, it does. The Dunedin Study did the most in-depth research on this. The ones without the genes aren’t as affected by not growing up in the loving and nurturing environment. Your genetics do impact you with the trauma you go through.

Hi. Sending hugs.

I’m sorry you’re struggling-you’re not alone.

My trauma turned me into a unfulfilled/never good enough/striving for greatness “workaholic”.

Outwardly I may seem successful- with a job/house/dog/kids. I am fiercely independent… and honestly I am depressed all the time- Sometimes I freeze too- when the stress of it all feels like it’s crushing me. I took 4 mental health days last week.

I realized that if I want the world to change- I have to be the change first. So I keep trying. I put reminders on my phone- and in my mirror to speak out-loud or write down what I am grateful for.. (along with weekly therapy.) I listen to inspiring podcasts and try to move my body/eat healthy/get some sunshine/take vitamins- and I start to notice a difference.

This month has been rough for me too- I hope things get better for you.

Good luck- keep going. It’s worth it. <3

People can only live for so long in survival mode. Some people break early, some people endure decades, but everyone breaks. I personally think the earlier you break the better, so you can get on with the business of healing. Breaking makes it very clear there's a problem that needs to be addressed. Continuing in survival mode means additional trauma is added to the pile you eventually have to heal from. Does this make sense?

Being an extremely independent loner is also it's own hell.

I feel like a skin walker doomed to pay taxes and slave for wages but I'll never fall in love, never have a family or a sense of community or belonging. One day my body will give out and I will become homeless and die alone on the streets. No one will mourn me and the only ppl who notice will be the ones I inconvenience with my body.

I completely understand where you are. It is nearly impossible to take care of needs like higher education or passions when your body is still struggling with the effects of the abuse you suffered as a child. Your feelings are valid, you are not weak my friend you are healing.

Are you away from your abusers or are they still in your life?

To be fair you do not know the whole story of what goes on behind the curtains in the lives of the people who seem to have "made it". Oftentimes those people covertly take drugs, abuse their spouses when no one watches or are severely unhappy/unsatisfied with that they do but manage to cover it up. Or it goes well up to a certain age and then suddenly crashes with something like autoimmune disease for example. So, feeling shame is understandable if you compare yourself to the appearence of those people. Be mindful however, that often it is not as rosy as it appears to be. Wish you good luck though of getting your stuff in order and be well.

I will say that I recovered from my childhood abuse but then once I was abused again as an adult that completely ruined things for me.

I was that person for years that was ‘functional’ and on the outside looked like I was thriving after I was abused. I’d been a straight-A student and a workaholic for years. For me, school and work were the only things keeping me going and providing me with any kind of respite from my trauma (and even then, it was hard work not to have it replaying in my mind). I became very good at blocking it out, which has left me with a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms I’m now having to unpick.

I was able to keep this up for years, until one day I couldn’t. Everything came crumbling down around me, I struggled to get out of bed everyday, I stopped showing up to school. I stopped caring about anything. All my feelings and emotions towards my trauma that I’d ignored for years completely consumed me. I’ve never really been able to fully come back from that.

Point is, people with trauma-related disorders may seem like they are functioning on the outside, but in my experience, what is happening internally can be a completely different story. It is very hard maintaining that ‘functioning’ persona and eventually it falls apart and leaves you with an even bigger mess to deal with than you did in the first place.

(To clarify, this is just my experience with this and I know others may have completely different experiences. None of them are wrong or right, we just do the best we can with the tools we have)

I don’t know how anyone gets the space to not be high functioning. I have felt like I am 2 steps away from homeless ever since I left. If I stop, everything falls apart. So I don’t because I can’t :(

i haven´t been able to function since i was 17 and i never had anyone to guide me or one stable person who i could trust. i was pushed around between different families and parts of the family and mistreated in all of them. every new environment is s threat to me and everything is a trigger. next time someone tells me he had a difficult childhood too and that i need to get my shit together i´m gonna punch them in their fucking face.... it´s not like i am choosing to be like this, am i

I am not depressed

I just cannot fucking get up and do them. I've spent money in classes and I still don't go. I even put on clothes, get ready and when it's time to leave it's always the same. I get inside my bed and cover me with the blankets, and just freeze there for hours, until I have to walk my dog.

That sounds like depression. =(

working is so difficult. i quit jobs sm but i found one where we work w disabled ppl (& i feel like one lol) but it helps me relate to some of their anxiety so i feel like i help them somewhat and they express liking me as their coach . and my shifts are in like 2-3 hour blocks. im a job coach. sometimes i feel dumb tho bc i don’t communicate as much as i should w employers and my clients.

I think some people just bury the damage better. I started college after hs. Then in my junior year I just fell apart. I quit. I couldn't deal. I worked for a year and got myself together. I decided I wasn't going to let what they did to me, said to me decide what my life would be. I would prove I wasn't stupid lazy, useless, or good for nothing. I got back in school. I worked two part time jobs. Thankfully I lived with my grandma so I didn't have to pay rent. I paid my way myself. The damage and hurt is always there. Unfortunately I think it's like a radar for abusers. I thought my future husband was kind gentle and good. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I went through many, many awful years. My marital abuse unburied abuse I suffered as a child. So many memories I hadn't even dealt with. There are things I am still remembering now. I believe the human brain helps us deal with things. Mine just put it out of my thoughts completely. It's how I survived.

Depends on the nervous system and the brain. Some can hold on for much long before breaking. Different people have different coping mechanisms and stress responses. I noticed a freeze response is the one which works in forming a CTPD.

My younger brother always used "flee" or "fight" response. He managed to avoid forming ctpsd.

Don't feel ashamed of being unable to function normally. It took me about 2 years to even start speaking with people after I escaped the house of torment. Drawing was everything to me. After I escaped - ctpsd activated and I couldn't draw for 8 years.

It will take a lot of time for you to recover to be more or less stable. But with each day you'll get better. Cutting contact with abusers is a first thing to do. Then real healing starts.

Me and my siblings were in the same household and our abilities and limitations are all different. And that’s without the major differences in situation that various people have, not to mention genetics.

If your family has a long history of abuse or was part of a targeted ethnicity who was also traumatized by the world, your epigentics (clingy proteins to your DNA strands) could carry the old trauma along with your personal trauma. There’s so many factors that goes into how CPTSD manifests, don’t judge yourself too hard! It could be anything from the proteins on your genes to your unique brain chemistry or unique abuse situation.

I didn't know I had severe CPTSD until this past 3 months. Most of my trauma started as early as I can remember and continued throughout childhood until going no contact. I'm 40.

I'm working through therapy now and have done a lot of work on myself my entire life due to the medical system and family utterly failing me (fibromyalgia, CFS, and more,). All of my coping mechanisms I created as a kid and teenager to adult turned out to be ancient meditation practices and parts of cognitive behavioral therapy. I think I was doing just enough, often enough to get through life on my own.

I used anger to fuel myself through life. Dealing with it now is difficult but I believe if I understood how bad the trauma initially was, I wouldn't have been able to function or go as far.

I wouldn't recommend this approach but it's all I had to get through a really awful situation. I believe my inability to accept my trauma and severity of my medical situation is's what enabled me to get through the vast majority of my life and situations.

I’m only functional in some areas cause I have no other choice. I severely lack in other ways (everyday chores for example).

I’m still out here working because if I wasn’t I’d have no one to take care of me financially and I’d probably end up homeless.

I guess it’s still part of my survival mode and the fact that I’m angry and don’t want to give up.

Everyone is different and has different circumstances.

That could be your inner critic yapping. If you removed that nagging inner voice that is totally a by-product of trauma, chances are you would be content.

I don't think anyone is fully functional when they're in the wraps of trauma, tbh. Not even those who turn abusers. Not even the workaholic types who seem so well put together.

Those are all different flavors of coping, and they likely all come with their nasty downsides that are only apparent from within.

Your story is similar to mine. When I attempted to study, I would become unable to stay awake.

I did a lot of talk therapy, which educated me, but didn't stop the sleep response to studying. The responses I was having weren't in my head, they were in my body. The problem wasn't my level of interest in the topic, or discipline, or self-sabotage, or weakness or motivation.

The problem was that my nervous system was responding to my childhood dynamics and abuse. Learning how to listen to my nervous system (based on Polyvagal theory) and using tools and practices to calm it allowed me to reduce both the intensity, frequency and duration of these responses. That in turn, had a calming effect.

In my amateur, 10 cent opinion, this doesn't sound like a problem of strength, will-power, or discipline. It sounds like a nervous system that is responding to what it sees as threats. At least that's what it was for me.

Did I write this???? Was I sleep typing or something???

I worked like a normal human being for years, but I wasn't dealing with the trauma. I thought I had dealt with the trauma, but I was wrong.

Now, I'm finding it more and more difficult to cope.

The truth is that a lot of people are not alive today because of their childhood abuse, or abuse that they went through in adulthood. But we don't see them or hear about them.

We see people talk about their trauma in interviews and how they overcame that and now they're a businesses owner, a published author, a mother/father of four and have a healthy marriage. I'm so happy for these people. Their stories should absolutely be shared.

But we also need to hear the other stories. Stories from homeless people for example.

Soft white underbelly on YouTube interviews sex workers, homeless people, victims of human trafficking and many more. Trigger warning though because these are some heavy topics.

I feel crippled by my cptsd and I have no supports but I'm functional anyways because I have no other choice. I'm running myself into the ground

Some people just get abuse/neglect from their parents, then get away and thrive. Others of us get abuse,/neglect, and a fucked up amygdala.

It's not your fault. It wasn't your choice, and has nothing to do with your "character".

H

It may ebb and flow. I was frozen for a while, maybe rn its just going bad for you but it doesnt mean itll be like this forever

They either deny and avoid and try to replace the pain with new ppl etc or they work knowing all that happened and it’s hard but they do it. That’s it. U either live in denial and try to make a new nice life out of desperation ( it won’t end well ) or u accept ur fate and do it even though it’s difficult ( will end well ).

I sit there all day and I cannot get my brain to do anything. I study very part-time and I still struggle with it. I feel so much guilt for not being able to do anything, even hobbies. I want to be able to live a normal life. I deferred my studies last year but I can't give up again.

I feel you big time op. Sometimes I wish I had the workaholic type of trauma too. I went for a job interview for a 9 to 5 years ago and then a day shift of training for said job, and that one day alone was so stressful I was sobbing at home by the end of it. I just can’t do it.

Looking like they are functioning doesn't really mean that they are not having any problems. Some people are good at pretending and that is also another survival mechanism. There is no reason to compare all the different outcome as we don't need to compare every aspect of ourselves to other people. Everyone is different, our personality is largely what we are born with and no parents can change that, and parent’s influence also is a big part of how we operate in the world and how we deal with everything is very different to begin with, without the trauma, so it is natural that everybody has a different expression of PTSD. Some people might get some work done, but it doesn't mean that they are healthy while accomplishing them. One could escape to work and it can be toxic.

In your case, it is great that you notice how you freeze. Discipline is not your problem, and you know that. You are trying very hard but trying hard and discipline is not going to make you more productive. Don't blame yourself for not being productive. You want to somehow make yourself feel safe and grounded so that you don't go to freeze mode so often. Find those techniques or ways to make yourself feel more safe and grounded. Once you get more grounded, your productivity will have no problem. Trying to only work on your productivity won't work as you already have tried. Go a different route even though it will take time and difficult. You can do this.

You may find this a good read, I work myself to death and disassociate any negative feelings. I can't have relationships because I find them incredibly draining and I need SO much alone time to function. Empathy With Your Future Self

I am considered quite high functioning despite having symptoms that are considered quite severe and a lot of triggers impossible to avoid in life. At my worst, I could barely do anything but still managed to attend school daily and do the minimal self-care like forcing myself to eat every few hours. I was dissociating all the time for a good few weeks right before my final exams and didn't finish learning the concepts for a few subjects (didn't have time to revise at all), but I still managed to pass all my subjects quite decently in a very competitive school. I've also been focusing on my recovery a lot and doing everything I can to get better.

A very big factor that saved me from a lot of C-PTSD problems is my parents were not problematic at all until I was maybe 9. They spent a lot of time with me, praised me for my strengths, I felt comfortable communicating with them a lot (until I developed trust issues from something someone else did), and I always felt close to them. With all things considered, I received good enough parenting for most of my early life, and my first definitive trauma came from them leaving 6yo me at a family member's house for 5 months while they settled some immigration logistics. I moved to a different country after that and only lived with my parents but I have never been the same ever since. I was ostracized in school for a decade and my parents emotionally traumatized me recently but I don't have the problems that come with parental neglect.

Early childhood parenting really impacts functioning and recovery. To give a point of contrast, my friend was neglected and emotionally abused by parents from a very young age. We're in the same class and they previously had really terrible sleep problems (not being able to fall asleep for days) for weeks on end and didn't know why. They also don't eat breakfast or proper meals for lunch because they cannot stomach it. When revising for the same exam, they learned all the content on time and did the revision papers, but still failed multiple subjects despite being very intelligent and high-achieving in their early teens. We have quite a few similar symptoms and dissociation problems, but they've developed an intense fawn response since young that makes functioning and recovery (working on oneself) much harder, especially since they always feel directionless and lose motivation when it comes to taking care of their own needs. Whereas I never developed much of a fawn response or major troubles with that and am very motivated to work things through as much as possible.

This part is probably genetic (+ lots of parental attention before I was 6) but I never gave up on myself or accepted any of the bad things that happened to me (apart from being ostracized in school). I don't remember what the family member did while my parents were away but a part of me keeps shouting that he's a demon, I have way too many triggers for physical traits that resemble him, and a lot of issues that probably only come from CSA. What I do remember is hating every minute in his house and never accepting my life there as normal. I tried my best to look for feasible ways out of there and fantasize about being saved but I couldn't contact my parents without contacting them through him. After some time I knew that I had no option but to stay there for a few more months, so I tried to make a daily schedule to avoid any alone time with him as his wife was also there. I felt like no one was there to help me but I was determined to help myself as much as I can. I felt like living there was worse than death but I looked forward to getting out of there and meeting my parents, so for the things I couldn't control, I just shut them out and wait them out. By the time I got out of there, I developed significant freeze/flight mechanisms and dissociative problems, but I never had much of a fawn response. I learned the fight response over the years with my parents too but never developed much fawn response until I was in my teenage years. So I almost always had a strong sense of self-agency and assertiveness, I barely take BS that happens to me and blame myself, and I try to maintain as much personal agency as possible. All this certainly helped in my recovery so far.

Also, my parents are highly educated so they really care about my education and my mom earns enough to pay for the really expensive mental health services. So I get as much therapy as I want, though I haven't gone to many and am just trying to sort through the parts I can on my own before going there (like reading C-PTSD resources and trying to unfreeze my body a little). Still got a long way to go with the frequent dissociation and flashbacks (I probably can't do much about that on my own apart from grieving) but I've managed to work myself out of feeling extremely overwhelmed.

Have you had a physical recently? This happened to me when I was about your age. My therapist got me on anti-depressants and anti-narcolepsy meds (I would get up and get dressed for class and then feel exhausted and just get right back in bed).

When I finally went to the doctor almost a year later I learned I had been living with untreated mono.

It’s easy to attribute this kind of stuff to our mental health, but sometimes it is physical! You might also want to get a blood test. Anemia can cause fatigue and foggy headedness.

I am somewhat an example of the "came out functional". I wouldn't really say I'm functional I'm that I'm usually single, and am underemployed. But I survive, have food friendships, create projects and experience some joy in life.

I wish I had a good answer but what I want to say is that I feel it was really random and I have survivors guilt. I see how it turns out for many people raised like me and myself don't understand why it was different for me than them.

The two things I know made a difference for me that not everyone has is proximity to wealth, and a particular friend. I am not wealthy but I am white and raised with good education and access to middle class behavior etx. These things just put me around wealthier people who became my friends and sometimes those friends bail me out. This is incredibly unfair because it's not fair if my friend can pay for therapy one month if im broke and another person's friends couldn't do it for them. It's made a big difference for me. I also have one friend, older, almost like a surrogate parent. He met me when I was 22 and guided me into my 30s. I don't know who I'd be without him.

Not everyone has the same level of CPTSD. Your symptoms are likely to be worse if the abuse started at a younger age, involved more than one abuser, happened over a longer period of time, or consisted of multiple types of abuse (emotional. physical, neglect, sexual etc).

On the other hand your resilience might be stronger if you had a kind teacher, relative or got help earlier.

I watched a documentary about an 8 year old who SA and violence alert was raped for 5 hours to the point where she almost died from her injuries then her throat was cut. This amazing child went for help and grew up to be a policewoman and child advocate. And here am I struggling to simply get out of bed every morning.

So as VivisVens says we can do toxic comparison (I’m fundamentally crap because I’m not a heroic child advocate/rescuer) or just try to love ourselves like we deserve. None of us are weak or flawed. Our abusers might be but we are not. We survived. We do our best. Some days we are heroes for just getting out of bed and facing the day.

I guess because everyone is different. Even our CPTSD can be caused by different types of trauma. Everyone has different support system and connections. And trauma affects people in different ways. If I had a place where I could run away at 18, I would do it. If I received help earlier, maybe my symptoms would improve by now and I would be much more capable of normal life. Don't call yourself weak. You are so strong, you do the best you can to get through. I'm in this with you.

What's the smallest act of compassion you can do for yourself?

Do that. Then do some more when you can.

I was where you are now. I still go there from time to time.

Healthy, aware compassion for ourselves is really integral part of healing, in my experience.

But you have to develop that skill. That's where it's challenging.

I’ve thought about this a lot too.Like you hear about famous or very successful people who had absolutely terrible childhoods and go on to be so successful and seem to live full lives. Of course they suffer and probably have relationship issues or substance abuse issues but still they manage to make things work. Then other people struggle to get out of bed.

It’s probably so complex, the genes involved and how the abuse or neglect happened plus where it happened, whether they had any kind of support at any point etc. Everyone’s brains and environments are so different. Some abuse victims grow up to be abusers, others grow up to become overly kind or giving, even in the same family.

You will get there, I promise. Just keep investing in yourself and eventually the heaviness will begin to lighten and things won’t be so hard 💙

I struggle with this now too OP. I actually first had the reaction of being a loner/workaholic for years but I got so physically and mentally sick from that Due to the unresolved trauma, so now I enter the freeze state you mention a lot. I do think trauma therapy helps like EMDR, and trying to get away from your abusers would help a lot. Much if my anxiety went away when I moved from them.

So don’t feel weak- when I pushed myself to unhealthy work levels it was terrible and I think delayed my healing a lot. Focus on self love and acceptance and getting to a place you feel happier (physically and mentally).

I wish I had an answer about the freeze state, but I’m currently struggling with that too. To Do lists help me a lot as crossing off something even small helps to build momentum.

Therapy helps. I have cptsd but I’m way better now.

I’ve been going to my psychologist for four years. Went to my psychiatrist for 3,5. I took anti depressants (but half a year ago I was cleared to stop!) my first two years of therapy were hard and I had a lot of days like that were you do nothing. It destroyed my higher education chances and I had to drop out. I went to work and that 9-5 work helped me stress less as I didn’t have to do any work after work (while in school you are never done).

Finding the right psych isn’t easy but I’m lucky with mine 😅

(Edit spelling)

It's so easy to get stuck in those kinds of comparisons. But my friend, a lot of people who went through what we have been through are probably heavily addicted, become abusers or kill themselves. You are the absolute opposite of weak. It's tough to live in an environment which feels completely unsafe. It's really no wonder you're in freeze mode. You're an absolute rockstar for still getting up every single day. Most people who perform in society probably wouldn't be able to do that with your background. I know it's really unfair but you're a warrior nonetheless.