Well, you can't make me feel anything. So... It's really your own issue.
It matters to me. Don't be resentful.
I don't really know actually. I'm told that I suffer from shame due to having CPTSD but I don't actually know what that means exactly.
I don't walk around feeling ashamed of myself. I've felt ashamed before and it is not what I feel all the time.
What I feel is more akin to not belonging, or lesser on the totem pole compared to any random stranger, unworthy. What I feel is that I'm different. And if anyone finds out, I'm going to die. But also, everyone always seems to figure that out. Haven't died yet.
But these are the feelings.
My mind says other things, tries to reframe, etc. But my body is always at odds with my mind. It becomes hard to know if you can trust yourself or not. And these feelings have been consistent in my life, everywhere I go.
Yay! Good job on getting through so much suffering. I hope you continue to flourish!
For me, it is exactly realted to an internalized lack of permission to be authentic and let go, to be connected.
I was punished for liking girls while growing up. My first girl friend was when I was like 9 and that caused a big problem - her sisters were jealous so they made up things and got us in trouble. I was never allowed to see her again and nobody said anything as to why.
Then in puberty I was punished for being interested in girls, threats of violence or losing my things due to wondering about girls bodies and using the internet to learn.
Then my family would make fun of you "he has a GiRlFrIeNd."
My dad would spy on my internet traffic. He entered a chatroom with me and another teenager once. It was so embarrassing.
I don't really feel in my body that I am allowed to have sex with a girl. As weird as that sounds.
I know in my mind, but my body doesn't feel allowed to.
I pushed through this feeling at 27 against all logic and feelings of anxiety, and I was shaking and nervous and scared. She took my virginity while saying "don't worry, i'm not going to hurt you." She ended up becoming my abusive crazy x girlfriend that destroyed my sense of self, my finances, my confidence and my life as I knew it.
I too take forever. Which isn't really a bad thing, unless they or you run out of energy first. For me though, it's not tied to porn or kinks or anything like that. It's directly tied to how connected I feel in that second.
I dissociate during sex, especially during the first few times until I'm more comfy with my partner.
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm hopeful.
Thank you. I'm waiting for something cathartic. But I keep just feeling this sinking feeling of: on to the next shit.
I've fought like hell over the last 3 years. I don't want a trophy. But i do want to feel like it was all worth it. But it doesn't. Supposedly it will, from what i'm told.
When you get to know someone before you have sex, you suddenly create more responsibility involved with that sex and the connection itself. Hookups are low responsibility, high reward situations - which is why they are potentially dangerous. Low responsibility, high reward situations attract people who like when there is no responsibility. They are short-term minded and are much more capable of hurting due to the nature of the low responsibility situation.
It's very common for people to get hurt and decide that they aren't going to be easy anymore, because the cost was too high. Getting to know someone before you give yourself to them is one of the best ways to protect your mind and body from undue suffering.
My guess is that it's probably harder for you to have sex after getting to know someone because you then have more responsibility attached to the sex and the relationship, and thus, your own actions. OR Once you get to know someone, you realize that you don't want to be intimate with that person - which means it was good getting to know them before you let them inside of your body, and before you let the brain chemicals override your safety plan.
My therapist getting very concerned and getting me on anti-depressants. That took the ideation away.
Still not sure why i'm here, or what to do, though. I'm off of them now due to them making me feel like a husk of a person walking around with no affect and no emotional energy.
No i'm in the "worst before it gets better" phase, supposedly.
I've lost everything and is now time to rebuild from nothing. I have two days left at this workplace.
My body thinks i've made grave mistakes, my mind knows i've done nothing wrong and that i'm making the right move. So I don't feel welll.
I'm very depressed lately, very angry, and lonely as all hell. I'm getting through it, watching the time go by.
Your library is not too far away! Hold steady!
You can only be loved by others if you love yourself too.
Do you have any tips, or guides for how to do that?
We feel what we feel for valid reasons. The key is to believe these reasons, and do something about them. But often, we allow ourselves to neglect ourselves and stay put and suffer. Take it from me, it took me a year to breakup with an abusive woman whom I decided I wasn't going to marry a year prior. And it took me two years to leave a toxic workplace environment that I said i wouldn't be at for more than two years.
All of my suffering over the last three years would have been short lived if I just ripped the bandaid off and broke up with that abusive woman, and then ripped off the bandaid and left this shitty workplace.
But i didn't. I was attached and I neglected myself like my parents did. Then suffered for three years while everyone looked at me wondering why i'm doing this to myself.
I was suicidal too recently. This was before leaving my work, but after leaving my x.
I had this thought: I'm strong enough to murder myself, but not strong enough to tell a couple people that they are disgusting and that they can fuck right off?
Really gave me some perspective i needed at the time.
I hope you get that debt paid off. It's a great feeling being debt free. That is ultimate freedom and I want to get back there - but the breakup required debt, and leaving a job also requires debt.
I'm sorry you are feeling like me. It's painful and unenjoyable. Here is an internet hug.
Good wizards are the majority, not the minority.
In my mind it wasn't a oppressed vs the oppressors situation.
It was a coming of age story mixed into a fight against overthrowing the government and against freedom and meritocracy.
You kept a secret escape plan and funneled his money into your safety net. You are disgusting.
I mean it's my fault facetiously. I edited my comment.
It's not my fault. But it is my responsibility.
Part of me thinks i'd heal so much more if I could cry, but I cannot due to:
"If you don't stop crying, i'll give you something to cry about." As my arm gets twisted and he says this in my ear.
"Stop being a baby and do what i tell you to do." As my arm gets twisted.
"Don't think, just do." With a thud to my head.
"Think before you do!" With a thud to my head.
I start to feel like i'm going to cry, as soon as I notice it, it vanishes and then I'm sad because i almost got a release I needed.
if I’m treated shitty I know my worth
What is your worth? How do you conceptualize this? What gives you confidence in placing that bet?
Perhaps. I tried Zoloft for 5 months and it made me a zombie and my depression was worse once I got off of it. But it did quell the suicidal ideation I was dealing with.
I can tell you exactly why I am depressed and unable to feel anything. I have told my therapist too. There is no prescription my psychiatrist can write to give me what I need.
At the end of the day, what I need is someone to love me, hold me, and make me believe that everything will be ok and that nothing is wrong with me. I need the safety that can only be instilled into you by an unconditionally loving person whom makes it their life's mission to ensure I am ok. AKA a parent.
I do this with myself once per week as an exercise in parenting myself and inner child work. It gets me through the week. I tend to my inner child's deep need and I pretend to hold my inner child and listen to him cry and tell me that the world is aweful and unfair, etc.. However, It is not enough to get me through life, i'm afraid. I need a person that I love and respect, that loves me and cares about me and believes in me and is proud of me and who is interested in me. I need someone to show me what it is I cannot feel or see within myself that makes me worth something.
It's not that I don't have someone. It's that I know that no one has me. I know this because i've logically deduced this based on all of my experiences in life so far. That is why I am depressed and that is why the future isn't worth much to me right now - because there isn't much in there worth being excited about. And it's my fault responsibility.
I think Ukraine needs to surrender and Russia needs to have a sense of security again, or WW3 will happen.
1 roomate doesn't feel safe because of other roomates' actions, and everyone is angry that that one roomate doesn't feel safe. It's like in abuse where the victim is blamed for acting out against the threats and abuses in front of them. The West are clearly the abusers here, which caused Russia to act out.
I really wish I could. I've been trying for two years now and can't seem to figure it out. I go to therapy weekly. And I do not have social media. I go on walks, I play sports, I work and I repair things. I eat dinner with friends weekly. I hang with friends weekly. I have 5 close friends spread over two friend groups that do different activities. I have my own place. I live a life that, on paper, seems alright. But I can't really feel. I'm numb 100% of the time.
Yes. for me I don't really have a sense of self in the way that my therapist thinks I do, seemingly.
Like I know who I am, what is valuable to me, what I like etc. But that person doesn't seem to matter to anyone and so it may as well not exist. Like if people don't value it, why would I?
It's like I do have a self, but it's not a person unless other people humanize it - turn it on.
Without other people I'm pretty sure I'd just sit there numb and waiting. I might entertain myself somehow - that would be my sense of self acting, sure. But I'd only do that if there was no other option. And at that point i don't matter anyways so why would even that matter?
I'm a ball of existential grief. I only matter if I'm useful to someone. Otherwise i just exist.
This is very self-righteous, and lacks humility.
The way the paint comes off of this can
oddlysatisfying