I make this post, because often we only take a look at the bad. God knows, we all have enough of that. But I feel that it helps me greatly to realize and celebrate the things I already achieved. That gives me so much motivation to keep on going and try to heal myself.
So I propose, today is ~self appreciation day~. Let’s all name one good thing that has come from all this sh*t show, one thing that’s better now or even a major step on the healing journey. Because, let us be honest here, with all the things we had to endure, even a small positive step is more than we ever hoped to dream of.
For me it’s this:
Today I finally realized something. I put so much pressure on myself, to heal, to achieve goals, strike something off the to do list etc. I do this with brute force. It has always worked in the past, just doesn’t seem to work any more. All the pressure paralyses me instead and I achieve nothing.
But as soon as I take all pressure off, I feel lighter, free. And often a short time later the motivation is there and I can do the thing I put off so long.
I finally understand that this pressure is like a whip, a cat o' nine tails, made out of barb wire. That’s the whip my abusers installed in me. That’s the whip I have been using on myself my entire life. Of course, I have been f*cking miserable.
I need to respect myself and put away that damn whip.
So that’s my positive step on this journey.
What is your step or achievement we can celebrate?
Exactly that. I cycle here, I cycle there. And back again. I kind of expected the kinks to go away completely with beginning therapy. But that doesn’t seem to be the case for me.
I have learned to accept the cycling and not feel ashamed about the return to kinks. I guess it’s good practice for feeling deep into myself and ask myself what I need in the moment, like do I want sex/touch at all, do I feel safe and comfortable or not. In the past these things were very nebulous at best for me.
Flashbacks and kinks
adultsurvivors