[Potential SA (incest) during childhood, am I making it up ? Is it possible to trace it back without having any memories of the event, but only vague physical and emotional flash-backs + weird dreams ?]

was this abuse?

Hi, I'm so confused. Weird dreams, therapy and observations of my sexual behavior led me, my therapist and my boyfriend to think that I might have been SAd by my own father (and maybe my oncle as well - too much to be believable). I remember almost nothing from my childhood. But I used to blame this amnesia on the constant emotional neglect and verbal abuse.

I am now 26 yo, and I don't care anymore about my uncle. But the idea of my father being a pedo upsets me a lot. I think that it is impossible, because now my father's behavior towards me is perfectly normal, he's really kind now that I am an adult, more than he ever was before. He pays a lot of attention to me. He buys me things. He helped me find a job and appartement. I don't think a pedo father would be able to behave like nothing happened. He's also really compassionate towards others, and shows a lot of emotional sensibility, so he's not cold or psychopathic. I can't wrap my head around this contradiction. Something is illogical, I begin to even question the verbal & emotional abuse. But my beloved grandmother is here to remind me of how bad it was, she witnessed a lot of this abuse. For exemple, up to 9 yo they forced me to bathe with my little brother in order to "save water" despite my will to have privacy. I had 0 memory of this before she told me. She fought for me as much as she could. She showed me that I was worth being defended and protected, and that I am not being ungrateful and despicable for calling "abuse" their parenting style.

We lived for 3 years in a mold-infested appartement. The amnesia is so bad, that I have been unable for 10+ years to remember where was the kitchen, bathroom, parental room...I only remembered the living room. I know now how the appartement was thanks to a dream and the confirmation of my brother. Wtf.

The most weird thing is, I wrote on a paper "it was [x] and [y], they did it" while I was under the influence of psilocybin. But I had 0 control of myself when I wrote it. It was like a weird auto-hypnosis. I was panicking inside, but something in me wanted to write. Something really cold-blooded and calm. As if a part of me was aware of what happened and the importance for the "whole me" (?) to know. I also had the urge to record an audio for my therapist, but I regained enough control to stop it. I still have no idea of what I would have said, yet I am still afraid. But can I really trust something I did while high on psychedelics ?

As for the dreams, I won't go into heavy details in order to avoid triggering others. Still, I advise CSA survivors to skip the next 2 paragraphs.

In these dreams I was always a little girl (from 4 to 8) in shitty situations. My father touched me in inappropriate areas, and I felt pleasure. Sometimes, it was an unknown fat man (0 pleasure here). When it wasn't my father, it was always the same fat man. Sometimes, I was myself the agressor, walking in his skin, touching the little girl (supposed to be me), feeling his sick desires as if they were mine...Waking up from this kind of dream is hell, wouldn't recommend 💀. During adolescence, I was always uncomfortable near my father, I couldn't stand the way he looked at me, even though it was probably in my head.

[TW : age regression during sex] With an ex-boyfriend, him going down on me triggered a weird response : I felt like a little girl. Hard to explain. My voice changed, I suddenly had a really child-like mind (wanted to play etc). Once, during foreplay, I even told him with this horrible girly voice that he made me feel like a little girl. It obviously killed the mood. I was so ashamed afterwards... but the words slipped before I could catch them. It was 5 years ago, now this trigger no longer exists with my current bf, but wtf.

Still, I am unable to tell if I'm making it up. I would have brushed it all away if I hadn't have my bf, my close friends and my therapist to remind me that nothing in my childhood was normal, and that my current behavior screams CSA. (My bf told me that I was obviously uncomfortable when he touched certain areas in a certain way, so he immediatly stopped. I didn't even saw that in the moment. But when he told me about it, I felt how he was right... I'm so disconnected from my body that I don't pay attention to these kind of signals.)

Many thanks to the ones who read this far ! And sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first language.

[P.S : when I listen to IC3P3AK, I feel comforted and at home. Especially Fairytale. It's when I had to admit that I was a bit mentally unwell. Cool band though.]

in csa_survivorsby Will-ItsNotOver

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2mo

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miangelita

2mo

I would say very probable. I have dissociative identity disorder, in part from CSA, and I relate to that a lot. Particular red flags is the "feeling like a little girl" part. Maybe ask your therapist to explore internal family systems, and talk about dissociation?

If you were making it up, you'd need to want it to be true. If you don't want it to be true, you would have stopped making it up by now. And if it was just being high, it wouldn't still be bothering you this much.

Will-ItsNotOver

2mo

It makes sense, thank you for the toughtful comment !

Even though I "cognitively" agree with you, I still feel like some kind of impostor, and I might even forget in the next few hours that I even posted on reddit. But before, I want to do some researches, so the time spent and the open tabs wont allow me to forget.

I looked up DID. It seems so scary, I'm sorry you're going through this. I relate to the "parts" thing, not the whole persona changes. My overall sense of identity is blurred 24/7, I guess I can't have multiple personas if I don't even have one. How can I know that I might be on the dissociative spectrum without going to therapy ?

My therapist was wonderful but the last time I saw her, she said we would try hypnosis. I agreed, but was never able to go to the next session. I would get physically ill, or sleep through the appointment time. After trying to re-schedule so many times, I just ghosted my therapist out of shame. I guess I feel safer researching on my own, anonymously

Bokthersa00

2mo

Just wanted to say it’s perfectly alright that you stopped therapy for the moment. If it doesn’t feel right or makes you feel that bad, it’s ok to take a break. You can go back to therapy when you feel ready. It’s your right to decide when that’s the case.

One other important thing to remember: pedophiles are monsters that camouflage very very well. It’s not like on tv, you can’t just spot them. Abusers like that can keep up a perfectly put together, nice picture they present the world. I am sure my abuser (my uncle) would just scoff and accuse me of making things up if I confronted him, pretending to be the perfect family man. I am not strong enough yet for that, so I will not confront him. But I’m getting stronger every day.

The signs that you were abused seem crystal clear, your body remembers. There are a few very good self help books that got me to a point where facing my trauma and therapy was an option. But you have to go at your own pace. The reason you don’t remember is that you are not ready yet, and that is ok.

These books helped me a lot: The courage to heal. A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk

I wish you all the best.

Will-ItsNotOver

2mo

Thank you, take care! I will take a look at these books.