Was how my therapist treated me shaming?

Discussion

I feel upset about something that happened with the therapist I was seeing for childhood emotional neglect and abuse, and I wanted to know what others here thought of the situation:

A while ago, I had a few weeks’ break from my therapist, at which time I read about Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) and found the concept of willingness to feel my pain and exercises to practice feeling emotional pain extremely helpful. When I finally went back to see my therapist, I told them about the relief I found in these principles and practices, and that I was feeling more equipped to face my pain and my fears, and the first thing my therapist did was ask me if I had taken drugs during our time apart. When it became clear she wasn’t joking, I felt hurt and taken aback at this, and like the implication was that I couldn’t possibly make any progress on my own, or with other resources. I felt really invalidated and belittled, and honestly a little chastised and shamed. They spent the rest of the session questioning me with a skeptical look on their face, trying to poke holes in my story of how these techniques had brought me relief and understanding of my own emotional pain. I didn’t feel supported or congratulated on the progress I’d made, instead I felt like they doubted me and were trying to upset me to prove that I hadn’t actually had a breakthrough. It really hurt to know they didn’t believe I could have improved in our time apart, let alone the hurt I feel that they weren’t happy that I was feeling more relief.

I held my cool through the whole session, but I haven’t been back since, even though they invited me to come back at any time.

What do you think and feel about how my therapist treated me in that session? I’ve been feeling sad and angry since then, and I’m just looking for compassionate support. Thanks y’all

in emotionalneglectby towalkamongtheclouds

96%

2mo

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Bokthersa00

2mo

Unfortunately that’s my experience with several therapists as well. They want you to do exactly what’s in their script and nothing else.

When I told them about other stuff I found really helpful like reading The body keeps the score and Pete Walker and doing exercises by Patrick Teahan, they all belittled me, pretending those are all quacks that are practicing new/untested methods that couldn’t possibly help anyone.

That always made me feel less open and trustful. If I made progress, it was always because of them, never accepting I work on myself every damn day, by being here or trying to find different resources with an open mind.

If I didn’t need EMDR I would ditch all therapists. I know, the key is to find a good therapist but it’s just so difficult.

Anyway, I’m sorry you had that experience with your therapist. I know exactly what you mean.

Goodtogo_5656

2mo

I’ve had the same experience. Every-single-time, I’d report…..” Oh hey, I read this book, had this breakthrough this week while you were on vacation”…..always with the invalidating, or off handed comments. Eithe hurt and saying “ don’t you think I get it?” Or trying to overshadow my perspective with theirs…like it’s a competition. I made the mistake of trying to understand it in a “ therapy” sub, and it’s the same feedback that I got in when I confronted my therapist….” You must be projecting”… or. ..” that sounds like an attachment issue.”. Like I’m dreaming what’s going on.

Icy-Compote4231

2mo

This is basically my worry about trying therapy. The things that have helped me thus far in my attempt to deal with this on my own is reading books like Pete Walkers and some therapists/counselors on youtube (and posting on this sub). I'm worried bringing any of this up will lead to judgment or skepticism, eyerolling. At least at this point in my healing I have a shred of confidence to realize how arrogant and close-minded a therapist would have to be to dismiss it outright. But funny enough if I hadn't made the progress I have thus far, when I think of who I was in the past, I don't think I would have had the sense of self to recognize a shitty therapist.

towalkamongtheclouds

2mo

Totally valid fear, there are clearly some unsupportive if not actively harmful therapists out there. The good news is, I now think there’s a lot we could do in an introductory phone call to weed out an unsupportive therapist. If you bring up other people’s work and they dismiss it, or say something that makes you mad an hour or day or week later, you could choose not to proceed with them without ever going to their office. I wish I had asked more questions of this person - like are they seeing their own therapist, how did they work through their own issues and what were those issues, what’s their actual treatment plan for someone like me. I was so intimidated I didn’t ask any of this, but what I did ask, my ex-therapist was dismissive towards. So there would be signs. Maybe if we committed to giving ourselves a week or however long we needed to process the conversation emotionally, we could dodge a lot of shifty therapists outright. If they don’t have that warmth and enthusiasm, or we feel a little twist in our gut when we remember our conversation with them, maybe we’d know to move on.

Just my two cents - I hope you do what makes you most comfortable and feel free to discard an internet stranger’s ideas.

Also, proud of you for building that bit of self confidence. I hear you on not being sure if you’d even have recognized shitty treatment before. Interestingly, it was reading part of one of Pete Walker’s book that even inspired me to make this post, so I think that’s a secure base to return to if you did ever end up talking to a therapist and wanted to check in with yourself about how they were treating you.

Icy-Compote4231

1mo

yeah, doing a phone screening is really important. Yet it's another thing that would have always been extraordinarily intimidating I'm not sure I would have managed 😂 I like to think I'm a bit better now... although when I try to imagine actually asking the questions I feel so... stupid? Unconfident, I guess. Oh well I will have to go into robot mode and just force myself to ask them. No matter how awkward it might be, like you said, I can always move on if it doesn't feel right.

towalkamongtheclouds

1mo

I feel you. I feel intimidated just thinking about it. What do you think of building in a cooling off period, where you just sit with the pressure you feel to get back to them and choose not to act on it, no matter how bad it feels, for like a solid week? When I imagine it for myself, I feel like that would give me enough time to feel icky and want to get away if they had said something sneakily invalidating or undercutting. What do you think?

Icy-Compote4231

1mo

Taking time to mull things over is a good idea. I worry more about the actual conversation and having the balls to bring up different questions and ideas 😬

towalkamongtheclouds

1mo

I hear you, I struggle with that too. I get so tense and nervous on the phone and can’t make the words leave my lips. Recently, I’ve been writing down what I want to say beforehand, then I practice saying it out loud to myself when I’m alone, just so I’ve had the experience of forcing those words out at least once before. And before the call, I’ll write my main questions in big clear letters for myself to read when I’m actually on the call, and star/highlight the main ones I want to say. It still doesn’t always help, but it does often mean at least one of the thoughts leaves my mouth. Idk, maybe it could help you too. Also, I think it’s totally valid if you end the call not having said anything. It’s totally understandable that you struggle with it, and amazing that you’re trying to contend with it in the first place! Go you!

towalkamongtheclouds

2mo

Yeah, it should have been a red flag from our first phone call when I brought up Pete Walker and said I thought I had CPTSD, and they said “the label doesn’t matter” and then never brought up CPTSD or Pete Walker’s work again. They also told me “I’m doing a lot of reading right now” because I kept reading books recommended by people like Pete Walker and on subs like this, with their tone implying that it would be good when I stopped reading and bringing up other people’s healing concepts… I just didn’t see these interactions for what they were at the time. I hope reading them can help someone else see if their therapist is subtly dismissing other valid inputs on a regular basis.

Bokthersa00

2mo

Yes, I’m German but because of these groups here I read Pete Walker etc. It would seem that German therapists hate American therapists and don’t want to hear anything about them. This is a shame, especially because the explanation of emotional flashbacks is THE one thing helping me understand my childhood and my reactions. But therapists have never heard of emotional flashbacks and dismiss the idea. I try to explain it to them but it’s kind of not my job to do so?

It just feels so invalidating, the same as my parents‘ reactions to anything that is important to me. Very triggering.

Also, the cPTSD diagnosis is problematic. In Germany, that’s no official diagnosis. In the clinic I was diagnosed with PTSD (because of csa) but my symptoms don’t fit 100%, so all the therapists I talked to since seem to want to disprove the PTSD diagnosis.

But I just want someone to help me. It is so hard for me to even seek help. To then be invalidated and not taken seriously by therapists triggers me so much and I have to fight hard to try again. Very frustrating. I feel that I will heal DESPITE them not because of them.