I’m so sorry for all that you’ve had to go through. No human being should be abused by others or subjected to poverty. You’ve made it this far and we’re proud of you. The world needs you as you are, for your goodness and your strength. We love you.

I'm not sure about enjoy, but it's definitely gotten a lot easier as I've gotten better. I don't feel the need to mask as intensely, and I'm much better at making casual conversation.

I haven't had a flashback in months. I can feel a broader range of emotions — more joy in small things and observations, but also more dissatisfaction, anger, and isolation - but the feelings just register as feelings now, not existential threats, if that makes sense. Also, it feels like I'm "on my own side" for the first time in my life? If that makes sense.

Hey, I'm really sorry. Human beings are meant to exist in communities and to love and be loved by other people. It's shitty that we live in a society that expects us to do everything alone, and forces/encourages people to only look out for themselves. I feel your pain, sending you love

Hey I'm really glad you posted this. In the last half a year or so I've had something along the same lines happen to me. Big reduction in flashbacks and so I've finally been able to stabilize a bit, stop living life like I'm going to careen off the edge every second. And the same thing, it's like I can finally see how normal and steady and nice everyone else and thing are. I used to look around and wonder how we could all possibly be living through this, but now I realize that most people weren't living in the same world I was. They didn't have to contend with my past and their brains were quite literally processing reality in a way that was easier to deal with.

I definitely have a lot of times when I look back at my entire life leading up til now and I realize as much as I insisted to everyone that I was 'perfectly functional' I was very, very obviously unwell. I used to wonder why people couldn't understand me and now I kind of get it. This doesn't make me feel broken anymore, instead I feel so much self-compassion. I feel deeply sad for the person I was. I shouldn't have had to live that way or be forced to become that person in the first place, and I shouldn't have had to suffer so much alone.

You deserve infinite compassion. You have been through things many people can't understand or imagine and the chance to be 'normal' (whatever that means) was taken away from you for a long time. I'm proud of you trying to find your way back

I have a hard time feeling emotions about people so it can be difficult to tell. It’s a morbid test, but if I imagine someone dying and the very thought is just instinctually terrifying. Not just “I would be really sad” but so scary that my brain immediately tries to delete the thought and can’t even consider the possibility. Then I know I love someone.

Reality feels dreamlike and slow—visuals, sounds, other people, it's like a never ending movie. It is hard to pay attention to anything, and I forget things as soon as they happen. No internal monologue, very rare to experience real emotions. I don't feel like a person, just an empty body. A sense of detachment towards everything, like I'm living someone else's life.

1. More compassion and unconditional support for myself.
2. More compassion for others.
3. More balanced view of human beings—people are selfish, entitled, power-hungry, greedy, and destroying the planet, yes, but that doesn't mean we're not also capable of love and beauty. It's about finding the right people
4. Dramatic decrease in frequency and intensity of flashbacks (this has improved my quality of life immensely).
5. No contact with family for a year, have my own place to live.
6. Made a tiny handful of close adult friends.

Hey, I'm so sorry. I can feel the pain your words and it makes me feel very deeply for you to hear how much you've had to endure and suffer. It sounds like you're not only experiencing the debilitating symptoms from CPTSD, but struggling with the shame of comparison to your peers and missing those big life 'milestones.'

It makes sense to grieve the life you didn't get to live. You deserved (and still deserve) to live a full life. You deserved the chance to strive for what brings you fulfillment, whether that's security (a job, a house), love (marriage, close friendships), or simply just staying alive and experiencing joy. It's not right that those chances were taken from you because of constant trauma and danger. It's simply not fair, and you have a right to be angry, frustrated, and deeply saddened by that. I'm angry and frustrated and saddened on your behalf, and I'm a stranger.

However, please don't blame yourself for not being able to accomplish X, Y, Z things. You are not the person to blame. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You sound like a good person who has suffered greatly in this life, and it is really incredible that you are alive and still striving for a better life (going to therapy, pursuing art as expression) in spite of all of that.

Wishing you love.

I work a corporate job, it is well paid and the hours are flexible, no limits on sick leave, etc. which is good. However, you are definitely not allowed to 'have' a mental illness—my job (and corporate jobs in general) are performance-based, you do well = promotion, you don't = fired. Depending on the people/industry/time of year, it can get stressful. I have to be very careful to mask at work, as upbeat, motivated, no issues that would affect my ability to do the job. There can be politics, pressure from higher-ups. So overall mixed bag, but I'm grateful for financial security/relative ease of schedule.

Thank you for writing this and sharing. 'What if I'm always like this?' These are basically the words that run through my head nonstop, too. Since I was a kid I've felt empty and scared and like the world is just... devoid of anything. I've felt wounded. I don't know what it's like to live without that wound. I want to be a 'whole' person, but I probably wont' ever be. I'm worried that when I get older, people will have less patience for the fact that I'm depressive, exhausted, suicidal, unstable, and stop caring about me or wanting me around. I'm already getting sick of being this person—constantly having to feel such loneliness, to be so misunderstood.

I don't know if we can ever be 'whole' (i.e. the people would be without trauma, with stable 'good enough' childhoods). That person, that life, that past and future is gone. It's so painful and unfair. I just hope that there's enough 'salvageable parts' that we can piece together a life that is not solely, and feels worth seeing to the end of its days.

Hey, I'm so sorry you have to feel this too. I wish people could understand me, it's the only thing that would make it easier, but I haven't met anyone in real life who does. You deserve to be able to talk about your experiences and receive genuine empathy and comprehension in return. Human beings are wired to process things socially, real isolation is one of the worst things that can happen to a social animal. I think reading and commenting on this subreddit can help a lot, though. Even if it's through the internet, just knowing that there are people out there who get it helps immensely.

You're right. To stay alive, you have to do things. I guess I just meant in a broader sense even perpetuating oneself (staying alive) is something you don't have to do unless you want to.

You never have to do anything again if you don't want to. It's enough that you exist.

Yes, I've felt this very strongly my whole life. I don't want to bring a child into the world for a lot of reasons (climate apocalypse, financial freedom, etc) but growing up my parents would say they regretted having children/me. They did not enjoy me, disliked my personality, and spent as minimal time/attention on me as possible. I also felt miserable because of them, too. I was like, No way in hell am I doing that when I grow up. I'm not going to inflict that on myself, or inflict myself on a child.

Hey, I don't have a positive PCR test (I took at home rapids at the time of infection, was logistically unable to take a PCR). I've been able to get some appointments/a clinical trial through a) submitting correspondence with my academic institution where I indicated I had covid and b) taking an antibody test through my doctor that showed clearly positive levels of Sars Cov 2 antibodies, despite not having active covid/having had covid in over a year.

I talk to myself like I'm a kid, and try to imagine there is an idealized parent figure comforting me. I also take hot showers.

Hey, I'm so sorry. We all needed someone to prioritize our needs, to love and protect us unconditionally. Being deprived of that, the pain stays with you your whole life. It's a loneliness so deep that it feels like death—which makes sense, evolutionarily speaking. Young human children are helpless on their own, and we're reliant on the capability and attentiveness of our caregivers to survive. The absence of that translates to 'hell on earth', constant terror. I've been haunted by that same terror, and I wouldn't wish that kind of loneliness on anyone.

I've started to get better in the last half a year or so as my life situation stabilized. I'm no longer in contact with my biological family, I have steady work, a handful of close friendships, and access to medical care. The relative safety has slowly given me time to acknowledge how wrong what was done to me was, and truly be both angry and sad over the fact that I was never protected. The failure of my parents to take care of me was such a traumatic and unforgettable lesson, it stayed with me for the next two decades and influenced virtually all my decisions and personality traits. Even as an adult who was physically and mentally capable of surviving without parents, I still felt it, because I was still stuck 'there.' I never stopped being that lonely, scared-to-death kid.

I'm not fully out of survival mode yet, and I don't know that I ever will be. But the terror gets 'smaller'. In its place is grief, rage, and a deep sense of melancholy and longing. We'll always be wounded, and that isn't right. But I think (I hope?) it's possible to live with the wound, and still have a life that means something, that brings us moments of peace and wonder. Sending you my love <3

I’m 22 and have been long hauling for close to 2 years at this point. It’s been horrible and I’m so sorry you’re facing it too ):

Completely eliminating added sugar.

The loneliness is awful, I'm so sorry that you've had to endure it. Human beings are social animals, we're hardwired to need other humans for survival, and you deserve to be seen and loved and protected by other human beings. It's so isolating when you have people around you, but you don't feel safe enough to open up to any of them. 'I want so many things and to have a good life'—What are the things that you want? And what is currently making them too difficult to achieve?

It sounds like you've had to endure a lot in this life, and I'm really sorry. The way your Mom treated you as a child was not okay—you deserved two fully present, supportive parents who would protect you, not subject you to verbal abuse, instability, and alcoholism. I also can't imagine that hurt and disappointment of a) being unable to continue a career that you invested a significant portion of your life in and b) wanting a child, and not being able to have one. I think it's really incredible that you're here anyway. I know walking dogs may not have been what you imagined for yourself, but for what it's worth, that's kind of my dream haha. I'm sure you bring those dogs a lot of fun and happiness they wouldn't get otherwise, and that's something. 'I always had this innate drive and intelligence and capability'—those things still belong to you. It's not your fault that life threw some really difficult things your way and you weren't able to express those traits the way you hoped, but you are still that intelligent and capable person.

That makes sense—I'm glad she seems like she knows what she's doing though. I know it's a long road, but I'm hopeful that it can be helpful to you someday.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're in so much pain. I wish there was some way I could take it all away or help bear it for you. You're a human being who's being put through things that no human being should have to go through, and by the sounds of it, you're weathering it mostly alone. Just the act of you continuing to breathe is an immense feat, and I'm really proud of you for being here on earth right now. If Nutella and weed and just lying around doing nothing is what it takes, so be it. You mentioned you're still going outside for therapy—how has that been going?

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and that you've been forced to be so alone. It feels impossible to experience any meaning and connection in adulthood when from birth we've been trained to not to do that, to suppress all humanity, just to survive. So much of what you said resonated with me–'I don't feel like a real person.' 'All I want to do is get through my days' 'I don't want to be alone anymore'—and not being able to even conceptualize what it would mean to be at peace or content. I'm in the same place so I have no idea what the answer is, but I just wanted to thank you for putting your thoughts here. They made me feel less alone, and more real. You have all my love