How do you get through lonely terror?

the kind of terror where you feel panicked, unsettled, unsafe.

Where you want someone to be with you and help you feel protected. But there's no one.

When life feels unsalvageable.... when the world feels to scary and difficult to stay in. Where you can't function in it.

I don't feel my deterioration or quality of life matters to anyone. As long as I don't cause any problems or draw attention to myself.

I want a parent attachment so bad, it feels so missing, I feel wobbly... like I am standing on one leg and i didnt get given a second one, like I'm half developed, and the sad thing it is irreplaceable. I didn't get those needs and now I probably never will.

Omg, this is just hell on earth. Absolute torture and torment.

How do you make it to the next day?

P.s, thank you to all who reply and/or replied to my other threads. I read them all and they are so helpful

in CPTSDby luna-plushie

100%

4mo

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Primary-Class-9361

4mo

Hey, I'm so sorry. We all needed someone to prioritize our needs, to love and protect us unconditionally. Being deprived of that, the pain stays with you your whole life. It's a loneliness so deep that it feels like death—which makes sense, evolutionarily speaking. Young human children are helpless on their own, and we're reliant on the capability and attentiveness of our caregivers to survive. The absence of that translates to 'hell on earth', constant terror. I've been haunted by that same terror, and I wouldn't wish that kind of loneliness on anyone.

I've started to get better in the last half a year or so as my life situation stabilized. I'm no longer in contact with my biological family, I have steady work, a handful of close friendships, and access to medical care. The relative safety has slowly given me time to acknowledge how wrong what was done to me was, and truly be both angry and sad over the fact that I was never protected. The failure of my parents to take care of me was such a traumatic and unforgettable lesson, it stayed with me for the next two decades and influenced virtually all my decisions and personality traits. Even as an adult who was physically and mentally capable of surviving without parents, I still felt it, because I was still stuck 'there.' I never stopped being that lonely, scared-to-death kid.

I'm not fully out of survival mode yet, and I don't know that I ever will be. But the terror gets 'smaller'. In its place is grief, rage, and a deep sense of melancholy and longing. We'll always be wounded, and that isn't right. But I think (I hope?) it's possible to live with the wound, and still have a life that means something, that brings us moments of peace and wonder. Sending you my love <3

seductress_rat

4mo

Thank you for this answer :) The first paragraph rings so true. I've also been haunted by this loneliness and terror my whole life. I feel overwhelmed by my needs, gaslight myself that I am wrong to need these things (just as my parents did growing up) and feel hopeless that I will never be in a place to meet my own needs (learned helplessness).

What you're saying is very true, a stable life situation makes you feel so much safer & gives you a starting point from which to heal. Of course it's so much more work for those of us who survived abuse than for the average person. Friendships and relationships are harder to form and tend to be unstable. Work can sometimes be triggering and too much for us. Our threshold for feeling safe is so much higher than for others. It's a lot of work but it's worth it.

Apart from that, I'd like to mention finding ways to feel safe inside your own body. For me it's working with somatic meditations and becoming more aware of myself. It's extremely hard to do when you're in a triggered state, but with practice it increases the safety I feel when I am alone.

Thanks again for writing this, I wish both you and OP all the best on your healing journey🖤