I'm not even sure what to say. I just wish I knew what was going on. It feels like everything in life just passes away in a flash and I can never remember why I feel so low or what could have happened in my life to make me the way I am and why I live the life I do. I don't feel like a real person. All I want to do is get through my days and I hope I can just do the things I want to and then die when it's done. I hate being alone and I don't want to be anymore. But I feel like there's nothing I can even do about it every single year of my life is the same and I just want to live as freely as possible doing the things I thought thought would bring me joy and then die. I don't feel like I can have connections with people anymore and it feels like a waste to put effort into trying. I don't want to extert all of my strength and energy into maintaining relationships when I have to rewire the ways I think just to be understood and in order to understand. I wish it was easier and that I felt more capable. I feel like I will rot away in an apartment by myself one day and I think that will be the peace I was looking for. I want to live a happy life but I never can conceptualize a real life for me in the first place. I don't know if it matters to try