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What do you do when feeling left behind in life? When friends reach milestones but you're stuck?
Hey, I'm so sorry. I can feel the pain your words and it makes me feel very deeply for you to hear how much you've had to endure and suffer. It sounds like you're not only experiencing the debilitating symptoms from CPTSD, but struggling with the shame of comparison to your peers and missing those big life 'milestones.'
It makes sense to grieve the life you didn't get to live. You deserved (and still deserve) to live a full life. You deserved the chance to strive for what brings you fulfillment, whether that's security (a job, a house), love (marriage, close friendships), or simply just staying alive and experiencing joy. It's not right that those chances were taken from you because of constant trauma and danger. It's simply not fair, and you have a right to be angry, frustrated, and deeply saddened by that. I'm angry and frustrated and saddened on your behalf, and I'm a stranger.
However, please don't blame yourself for not being able to accomplish X, Y, Z things. You are not the person to blame. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You sound like a good person who has suffered greatly in this life, and it is really incredible that you are alive and still striving for a better life (going to therapy, pursuing art as expression) in spite of all of that.
Wishing you love.