I grew up believing I wouldn’t amount to anything.
Despite my straight As I was so socially anxious I was nearly mute, I hated myself.
My mom was an alcoholic with BPD and always told me I was “too quiet” or too shy or too whatever. The binge drinking and the mania and screaming at everything daily was fun too. Also loved how she called my father weird, too quiet, stupid, an idiot, every day, and he was just like me and the only role model in my life.
I never believed I’d have a real job or find a husband.
Somehow I did find a husband, but I never feel like I’m good enough for him, despite the endless love he gives me.
I did find a career, and only 12 years into it I burnt out so badly from pushing myself so hard with my perfectionism that I had a major clinical nervous breakdown and had to give up the career altogether.
Now I walk dogs part time, bring in no money to the household, and feel like a loser most of the time.
I also can’t give my husband children because I cannot carry to term. All my friends from over the years have careers and kids and I feel like such a complete fucking loser compared to them.
I just feel like such a failure. I always had this innate drive and intelligence and capability that was always squashed by my zero confidence and my anxiety and depression and all the other things that cptsd brings.
Just having a “loser self loathing” day.
EDIT: Thank you to all the angels that posted such kind, loving words. I really needed the support from people who truly get it, and it all really helped, every single comment. <3. Feeling better today and considering cptsd focused therapy to help prevent these types of toxic shame spirals.
It sounds like you've had to endure a lot in this life, and I'm really sorry. The way your Mom treated you as a child was not okay—you deserved two fully present, supportive parents who would protect you, not subject you to verbal abuse, instability, and alcoholism. I also can't imagine that hurt and disappointment of a) being unable to continue a career that you invested a significant portion of your life in and b) wanting a child, and not being able to have one. I think it's really incredible that you're here anyway. I know walking dogs may not have been what you imagined for yourself, but for what it's worth, that's kind of my dream haha. I'm sure you bring those dogs a lot of fun and happiness they wouldn't get otherwise, and that's something. 'I always had this innate drive and intelligence and capability'—those things still belong to you. It's not your fault that life threw some really difficult things your way and you weren't able to express those traits the way you hoped, but you are still that intelligent and capable person.