I am horrible at emotional regulation. It takes me so long to calm down after something happens that gets my emotions out of wack. This weekend was really rough and I just could not get regulated. I’m still struggling with it. What are some techniques that help y’all to regulate? What thought processes do you use or what mindsets have you adopted?
- Talking to friends
- 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
- Orange peeling grounding technique (DBT)
- Slow, deep breaths
- A warm bath or lying down with a heated blanket
- Petting or snuggling a pet
- Rocking back and forth or otherwise stimming
- Thought replacing— “I’m so dumb! I can’t believe I didn’t notice it’s a pull door!” becomes “Its okay to make mistakes. I didn’t notice and that’s okay.”
- Crying
- Journaling
- Meeting my basic needs. I make sure I’m clean, dressed, fed and watered, and comfortable.
•going for a walk
What's orange peeling grounding technique?
From mhs DBT and Mental Health Services:
“Use Observe and Describe to explore an orange. What are the visual features, what does it feel like, and what does it smell like? Now, slowly start to peel the orange and continue to tune in to each sense. Notice any emotions, thoughts, or other experiences that you have during this process, but cling to nothing, instead of staying engaged in the activity. Ultimately, you may choose to mindfully eat the orange.”
Scheduling when I'm going to buy groceries gives me a real sense of well-being.
Ooh that’s smart! I should try that
I talk to myself like I'm a kid, and try to imagine there is an idealized parent figure comforting me. I also take hot showers.
I recently prompted chatgpt to comfort me like a proud loving parent 😅 it made me cry 🥺
No way this is such a good idea!!! Sometimes I am confused on how to “parent myself” because I don’t know what a loving parent should be like.. 😂
It's rough out there, I'm fully onboard with trying again with a robot family 🤣
HAHA my biggest fear is robots and i was like f*ckkkkk AI hell no.. & now I fully have a robot mother
Right there with ya!
Imagine Ideal Parents (Powerful Exercise) | Dr. Daniel P Brown
https://youtu.be/z2au4jtL0O4?feature=shared
Ideal Parent Figure Protocol Guided Visualization:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAcUlVEbAtg&ab_channel=EvanLeedIPF
I talk to myself like I'm a kid, and try to imagine there is an idealized parent figure comforting me.
I talk to myself too! although more often I'm learning to soothe myself when I make mistakes ('It's okay, you can do better' instead of the voice of my parents: 'nice going, idiot!')
This one is soooo good when I do it.
I do the same, but I imagine the person is just a super supportive friend.
I can't get myself to imagine a parent comforting me. Makes me uncomfortable.
Smoking, watching tiktoks, playing video games, sometimes I just lay down in the dark for a few minutes, singing, cleaning, cooking, drinking. Obviously some of these options are healthier than others but that's the truth.
I am also a BIG fan of laying in the dark. If I'm overwhelmed with my bf I can just tell him to turn the lights off and hide in bed with me for a bit in silence. He's happy to, n we can talk ab it after.
And what if nothing helps?
What if I just can't stay myself because how bad I feel?
If there is a place you can't stay, then you have to go. Pick a direction and recreate yourself
Practice. Practice, practice, practice, practice practice.
Feel your emotions, then practice not reacting to them. Understand your experience, and practice analyzing the situation then analyzing your emotions. Then practice finding your good emotions, however it is you get to your happy place and practice doing that when you are done practicing feeling and not reacting to the negative emotions or whenever you go through a stressful situations.
Mind you I do a whole lot of practicing when I go smoke weed. That weed practice is some good shit yo. Point being it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be consistent focused effort. You can use some copes, within reason. I don't zone out with weed I use it to regulate anger and frustration sometimes.
Feel your emotions, then practice not reacting to them.
spot-on!
The Stoner Rishi has spoken.
lol
I practice being peaceful and happy when I’m high. I started paying attention to that “I feel good, why was I hating myself and ruminating” feeling but damn it’s hard to grab onto when sober. The negative and erratic emotions are SO strong and it’s frustrating being hyper aware of them and actively trying to work through them only to fail.
Well I mostly use weed for that level of upset. This is not an endorsement, weed is not for everyone, but it was what finally worked for me. Good golly knows I tried everything else first, finally trying weed was an act of desperation when all else failed me.
It's like life gets too sharp and painful for too long, so I need to retreat to a fluffy comfortable happy cloud and enjoy a state of physical and mental relaxation that has otherwise been entirely unobtainable all my life.
Nothing will change while I'm chilling, my problems will still be there tomorrow, but I might be more able to tackle them later when I'm not feeling like a wiggly bowl of emotions or an erupting volcano.
I wish I could use weed. It makes me freak out. I'm using alcohol instead but I'm trying to get away from that.
with you here, weed is the LAST thing I ever needed, tho I kept trying as it's trendy & promoted.
Sober 25yrs + from any substance. It's still hard, but at least I have a stable home, long term solid friends & financial safety net from sobriety.
I used to be able to keep a job for years, but since the pandemic I've blown a fuse or two and am re-learning how to be a worker among workers. I'm challenged! But still putting one foot in front of the other.
Former alcoholic here. Sounds so dumb but seriously, if you rigorously exercise and listen to angry/sad music to get more energy and fuel I swear it makes me euphoric. Then of course my sleep is better too so my mood gradually got better and better
I'll give it a try. I'm still trying to find my outlet for stress that isn't alcohol.
What steps did you take to quit?
Showers, cooking, journaling, sleeping/napping, video games, incense or candles or sage, read a few pages of a book.
Music helps me a lot.
Daily walks help a bit
Big fan of walks here.
Medication helped me
May I ask what kind of medication helped you? I’m thinking to take this route next.
Mood stabilizers! Also antidepressants anti anxiety and sleep aid/nightmares
Lately has been warm showers in the dark. I never saw that one coming (pun not intended)
write about your emotions, how you felt the event triggered it, the traumas, things you wouldn't tell anyone l, not even to yourself, and set the page to fire, watch it burn
I find that grounding and being aware of me current emotion is what helps. Am I angry? Yes, or no? If yes, why? Is it that I am angry, or is it something else--overstimulation, things not happening according to my timeline, etc? Am I low on spoons? Can any of those things be fixed in the moment?
Learning to do this has made me become more open and vulnerable, and less volatile.
this! it’s all about slowing down the reaction time with questions and once you have been able to answer everything you need to about to situation (from understanding why, how, what) you feel, then you’re able to see the situation and your feelings more logically 🙏🏻
Yeah, I agree! It took me so long to learn how to do this. I always wondered...do people without neurodivergence or CPTSD process all of this much differently?
sometimes I wonder that too bahaha
Although do they question and process things as we do?...maybe not all things, but...oh, I have no clue.
I KNOW!! it’s like the blue strawberry problem but for perspectives rather than colours 😵
Blue strawberry? I've never heard of this before...
“[Man who had a stroke] He had no problem seeing color, his doctors concluded. He easily passed the test for red-green color blindness, finding the numbers hidden in colored dots. He could put very similar hues in the right order. But he could not sort tokens into distinct colors such as red, green, blue, yellow, and orange. He could not identify the colors of the tokens. He could not imagine the color of his car. He could not even understand, when presented with a drawing of garishly blue strawberries, that the picture was odd at all.”
Whoa, that's fascinating!
Yes we do. MRI scans show this.
Oh, ok! Thanks for correcting me.
This has been a recent go to of mine. It’s a short, METTA guided meditation. I repeat the words out loud to myself.
Exercise, talking with friends, playing with my dog and reading.
For when I'm feeling anxious/any kind of overwhelm:
I stop whatever I'm doing, even just for a minute or two if I can afford to, and take some deep breaths focusing on the out breath. If I can't stop for whatever reason, I force myself to slow down slightly in whatever I'm doing, to reassure my body I don't have to rush & there's no danger.
I feel into my body & label the sensations I'm feeling, label the emotions, let myself cry if I need to - sometimes if I can feel a particularly strong or ongoing build up of emotion I'll drive myself to somewhere quiet and just scream/cry it out in the car in privacy, where I won't freak out my housemates lol.
If I'm really struggling to regulate myself or I've got something important I need to do, I'll use freezing cold water on my hands/face/in the shower to regulate my nervous system very quickly.
Also, sometimes I just have to do things dysregulated, so during these times I take the pressure off myself to be particularly sociable or whatever, and just keep returning my focus to my breath or part of my body - I lower expectations of what I can do on these days, and make sure I set something comforting up for myself after I've completed whatever I need to do.
For when I'm feeling shutdown:
Find movement of some kind - stretch, take up space physically, do some HIIT style jumping jacks or running on the spot etc. Cold water also works for this kind of dysregulation.
Take deep breaths focusing on the in breath, like a sharp intake of breath - my therapist told me about this one recently for bringing the nervous system back online during shutdown.
Express myself in some small way - put some music on and sing along to it, maybe dance a little bit, do an easy task like tidying my room a little or something. Connecting to the part of myself that feels light hearted and silly, maybe picking songs that I find particularly ridiculous or funny sounding.
I also ease expectations when I'm feeling this way, and if I'm feeling dissociated I try and stay away from busy places cause they can feel disorienting - if I absolutely have to go into one I bring my noise cancelling headphones, trying to minimise the input, do what I need to do and leave asap lol.
-sleep headphones playing meditation music. When I'm very dysregulated I use them all day. Or regular ones if I have to go into a store or anything -weighted blanket, heating pad, heating blanket, cozy soft blankets, long hot shower, any kind of warmth, comfort, pressure, tactile stimulation -lots of orgasms and lots of weed, tbh -isolate, avoid anyone that doesn't feel safe. Try to be around a safe person if you can, talk about how you're feeling, hug and snuggle. Co-regulation but only with someone else who is regulated -time in nature. Go for a walk in the woods, get bare feet on the ground. If the weather is bad or a walk gives me anxiety, I'll go for a drive in the country. Windows down, music blasting. I process through a lot of emotions while I'm driving. -lots of deep breathing. You can look up wim Hof on YouTube if you want a guided breathing technique, that's pulled me out of a lot of panic attacks. Or you can just work on taking as deep a breath as you can manage and then hold it as long as you can before letting it out. It will be hard to take a deep breath when you are dysregulated but you'll slowly be able to breathe more and more deeply
Oh and move your body! If you can't go for a walk, maybe you can do a bit of cleaning, or just stretch, swing your arms around, bend over and touch your toes, dance
what kind of sleep headphones do you have? im looking for some
I just grab whatever $20 ones on Amazon. I've ordered from the same listing and ended up with very different ones lol
How to manage your emotions | TED Talk
https://www.ted.com/talks/ted\_ed\_how\_to\_manage\_your\_emotions
realllly intense work out like lagree or hot yoga that takes me out of my mind without connecting me to my body too much lol. Comedy, knitting, getting crafty. walking and spotting/identifying all the birds
weighted blanket + nap
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I can’t.
2 in the moment strategies: - tapping (if you’ve never heard of it, google “tapping solution” -there’s this mammalian diver breathing technique I was taught. You put an ice pack on your chest and the back of your neck and breath for 30 seconds. It should cool and regulate your body within 30 seconds. It’s something mammals do instinctively to calm themselves apparently.
My go-to's are going for a walk, Tapping, Somatic Shaking, and Havening. Magnesium or CBD when I'm trying to go to sleep. I also have a bigger list of nervous system regulating tools (+ instructions on how to do them) pinned in my profile. Hope you can find some peace soon! 💕
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Last year I was diagnosed with a regulation disorder. The emotions were so much for me to take in and always so overwhelming I could just no longer think rational in that moment any longer what really caused problems in my relationship but was really exhausting to. I was tired and anxious all the time.
I got prescribed a baby dosage of what they call topiramaat in my country, I know its also called Topamax, and in the first weeks it was like I was on drugs and I had difficulty to remember words etc but I wasn't scared anymore, I finally slept in etc. So I just dealt with it. After about a month or 2 all side affects were gone. I feel like myself, but its like the volume of my emotions is a bit down.
This made it possible to even in a situation where I would normally go full child/trauma mode could still think Nope. Not me. This is not my drama and just walk away.
It made me set boundaries for the first time with my mother. That was such a relief.
It made me able to choose without fear what is good for me.
On top of that I've started meditating everyday morning and evening since October. I did meditation before but it was on and of something I did when needed.
I also walk alot, do yoga, and there are some exercises to get you out of your trauma response. Like splash of cold water in your face, dance it off, shake it off, and vagus nerve practices.
I've been choosing me since last year something I've always been afraid of doing.
Normally, I do something physical like a walk or petting my dog. When I can't, I try sensory grounding techniques or visualization. The easiest are drinking really cold sparkling water or thinking about something I enjoy, like riding my horse. I imagine what the reins feel like in my hands, what it feels like to use different muscles, the smells and sounds, and ride different gaits. The more I focus on super specific details, the more I'm taken somewhere completely different. When I worked for a crazy boss who would scream at, gaslight, and mistreat all of us employees, I would completely check out of meetings and go for a ride while making direct eye contact with him.
Idk how different the latter is from maladaptive daydreaming, if I'm honest, but it saved me from a complete meltdown and/or sustaining more mental damage. To this day, I have no idea what half of his tantrums were about because my brain was working through a dressage test. And honestly?? I think my riding improved.
Meditation kinda.
I sit or lay down and replay happy moments of my life like a movie in my head.
Not the most healthy but it works for me: turning it all off and putting the mask on till it passes. I have shit to get done and don’t have time to break down right now, I’ll think about it tomorrow.
Crying, I let myself numb out for a while sometimes with escapist behaviors like games or cooking. Gym, sauna, long walks, many calls with friends.
I generally view the trigger as danger and until I can problem solve the danger away I get stuck. So I hyper focus until life makes sense again. I let myself Analyse and derive meaning until I find the solution.
I don't, but I'm in therapy to learn!
Getting regulated once you're already seriously disregulated is pretty tough, even for people who aren't working with trauma. Its a bit like asking "how do i run a marathon?" - generally, you dont just run a marathon, you practice daily and then when a marathon shows up youre ready for it. Practicing mindfulness and meditation in calmer moments can be very helpful, by teaching you what works to get you back to well managed , by learning what getting amped up feels like so you can start addressing it earlier, and by helping to slow the process down so you have more time to address your feelings. I was very reluctant and skeptical of mindfulness and meditation, but when I learned how they work as kind of exercise for your brain, and then saw the effects, I changed my mind and added it to my day.
I have such a hard time with this
Sex. Especially loving and deeply intimate sex. Bliss.
Petting my cats and taking a nap with them always helps :)
Gosh, I was in a customer service job where one customer threw a pen at me, and the next one called me a B*tch, then proceeded to tell me I had mental problems.
I think my eyeballs went cartoon style black, my mind went black too.
I told them both off without swear words. Not sure that was the right position for me with my dysregulation tendencies!
I put in notice and am looking for a job- I don't need a job that's "stress free", problem is I actually -want- to work w ppl as I'm alone alot at home. And despite this issue, I am a "people person" and only an introvert via trauma.
Point is, I want to learn skillsets for regulation.
I guess step one is to realize I will get "Thrown off". Then start learning!!
I can't "regulate" w a hot bath or soft blankY. I really need to learn to regulate on my feet & on the job stat.
I've done a bunch of research on the polyvagal system. The idea is to work from the bottom up, safe music, chest taping, light jumping/shaking helps reset (like you see dogs do). Another way is to look all the way to the left until you feel energy shift or a deep breath and then look all the way to the right until the same thing happens.
I have some levels to my coping and regulation:
Normal Daily Disregulation: Loud favorite music and couch time for an hour or so after whatever wound me up is over. Maybe a nap if I have lost energy due to the stress. Weed. Video games.
Medium Disregulation: All of the above plus meditation, journal, or talking to someone about my day or week. Visit friends.
Heavy Disregulation: All or any of the above plus outdoor activity that includes my mind and my body. Rollerblading, playing disc golf, long board.
For me, the biggest regulation is also just getting to my home. If i can get home, I can then typically regulate after an hour or two.
-Noticing my energy thrashing externally and I will pull it all into my core, kind of imagining my energy circulating around me rather than being sucked out of me (like ab*sers so often do w our energy) -soft blankets.. stuffed animal.. sounds dumb and simple but anything centered on the five senses and is home base is so grounding -routine; as someone with adhd i avoided routine for so long not realizing routine offers so much comfort and safety because of its predictability, familiarity, etc. & routine can be anything not the tiktok BS. For example in my routine i built in playing piano and playing with my bunnies and stuff at night -stretching; nothing strict just stretching and leaning into it. Something about feeling uncomfortable and having it progressively feel better as your stretch more. It’s physically and mentally reassuring.
I hope some of these helped. I totally feel you. It’s not your fault that emotional regulation is hard, while other people got to enjoy growing up and have normal development, we were fighting thjngs most people will never experience. I see you. :)
Music, weed , stimming
I've always had problems with this, and after finding out I also have AuDHD it's only become more difficult.
Things that have helped, though: - breaking down my emotions. I'm a super logical person, and being able to reason myself out of a meltdown/heavy dysregulation has been key to me having a good recovery. - going outside. Sometimes I need to touch grass. Or stand in the rain. Other times I go take a long walk in the bush, or take my bike and go for a ride. - removing myself from the triggering situation. This one doesn't always work, and can't always be done. If I can't physically leave the building and go somewhere else, I will find a space I can be alone and close a door. - headphones/loud music/noise cancellers. My dysregulation is usually always heavy, and having some way to block out the external world is sometimes the only way to concentrate on a task. - music: I'm a metal guitarist. Sometimes, I just gotta shred. The pain from the strings reminds me of the present and why it's best not to hyperfocus. I'm also a classical pianist, and I love technical songs. Playing them reminds me I'm not a total loss, and gets me out of my head. - boxing. I recently took this up as a way to vent anger and get my hyperactivity out, which are constants in my life. - weirdly, chewing gum. I get jaw tension in relation to anger, and it's always worse if any other kind of dysregulation happens. The chewing helps me to not lock my jaw or grind my teeth, and keeps my brain occupied. It's great for lower level dysfunction because I have to focus on not biting my tongue. - driving. This helps with medium dysregulation. Gives me something to focus on, and I like the control it gives me. Also, cars are great for screaming in. I don't cry very much if at all, and the car is one of the few places I can do it. Parked, obv. - talking. This one is silly, but a lot of my dysregulation comes from feeling like my emotions aren't even valid. Sometimes I gotta hash them out.
30 minute naps. Walks. Fisher Wallace stimulator (that's more for the sleep/depression side of things), prayer, reading scripture, 478 breathing exercise. I've done so many things and I'm bad at routines, but those are a few that have helped when they helped.
I love the rainbow grounding technique. Although I don't pick a color and find various things in that color, instead I just name and notice each color around me until I notice I'm calm.