theshovel.com.au/2023/08/10/new-government-consulting-barbie-costs-125-million/
This is a fantastic clip. Thanks for making me guffaw like a donkey.
This. He’s had 10 years to recognise the pain he caused his eldest daughter due to his nasty attempt to bury your natural attachment to your mother. He must have known how much he hurt you. You were just a kid yet you fought so hard for the keepsake and then you shut down.
I suspect at some level he knows he really screwed up, but rather than deal with it and sincerely apologise, he’s trying to bury your valid feelings of anger, mistrust and feeling unvalued. Again.
He and stepmother also don’t want answer questions about why you have excluded them… makes them look bad. Enjoy it.
It’s not that I want to be alone. But I only feel safe and relaxed when I am by myself. Many people exhaust me. I attract a lot of needy people. With others it’s tiring to keep up my very convincing facade of being highly functional. Fellow survivors are the best companions.
I found out I had CPTSD in my 30’s. I’m now in my 50s.
The severe abuse started when I was 12 years old. Up to that age I’d been an excellent student, popular at school and I’d even drafted science fiction novels. Someone with potential you would say.
After the abuse started I became withdrawn, my marks dropped and I became socially isolated. I was a different person.
For many years I grieved that hopeful productive child. Maybe if I did enough therapy and self help they would return? But no, the former me didn’t return.
Yet my life became much better. While I was facing the worst trauma in my 30s including being homeless and hospitalised, there were many people who helped. Some were health professionals, some were other survivors, others were just good people who listened without judgment.
I saw that the world is made up of those who help and those who destroy.
The ones who help have so much influence in the world. The news is full of the destroyers, but it’s the helpers that slowly move societies to become more humane and less tolerant of abuse. Visible wins in recent years include MeToo#, Black Lives Matter and similar movements.
Abuse that was acceptable 10 years ago is no longer tolerated.
I decided to become a quiet helper. I sign petitions, join in the peaceful marches, support people I see struggling where I can. And I’ve learned to be a non judgmental listener.
So while the child I was - the high achieving science fiction writer - never returned, I feel like who I am matters. Would I trade my life of being a quiet helper for the wealth and recognition I might have had if I had been able to fulfil my 12 year old potential? I’m not sure I would.
Did she not experience hours and hours of waiting time when she was not attended to? I don’t believe she was in a bed or any comfortable area in the hospital. If I knew I was going to experience a tragic miscarriage and the hospital could not help me, I would go prefer to miscarry at in the emotional and physical comfort of home versus a hospital reception area.
The answer is yes. I have complex CPTSD and have benefited a lot from EMDR.
The therapy uses a specific event as a starting point, but it is really about revisiting who you were at the time of the trauma and breaking out of the powerlessness that trapped you. So not just about one event, but about empowering the person who faced those events.
For example. My therapy started by revisiting one of the most traumatic events of my childhood, one that I have only glimpsing memories of. In the EMDR therapy I revisited the room where it took place (something I remember very clearly) then when I was ready, the traumatic event (s).
With each visit I became more empowered. I felt bigger and stronger like an adult who could fight back instead of a helpless child. This took 6-8 visits.
Importantly I’d had enough therapy in the past that I could acknowledge the abuse, so this made it easier to deal with the intense feelings. If I tried EMDR at the beginning of my healing journey when I was in denial about what had happened to me, I think it could have been too much.
If this is your situation, you need all the kindness and support you can get. What matters now is your well being. You are worth the effort. I have come out the other side, you can too.
It’s definitely really horrible at first. An attempt to end things is a traumatic event in itself, and then there is the pain you were already in, that led you to make the attempt in the first place. So anyone who survives is in a bad state afterward. You need to be an advocate for yourself, even though you likely don’t feel like it.
Use any resources that are offered esp good health professionals. Distance yourself from anyone who isn’t helpful. Family and friends can be too horrified to be helpful. In my own experience my family were actually blaming and vindictive to deflect their responsibility. Some health professionals are great others are blamey. Find the ones that actually help you, switch off the others.
Don’t expect great things of yourself. Be very gentle. People will give you sorts of edicts e.g. exercise, specific foods, mantras etc. But they haven’t been through this. You have. Imagine you have a friend who has been incredibly ill and survived a fatal disease. Would you not treat them with utmost care? You are that survivor.
One day at a time. It’s overwhelming waking up knowing your life was so bad you wanted to leave it. But you don’t have to face everything all at once.
Try and find the opportunity in where you are. Looking back 10 years later, it was my attempt that helped me face my trauma and helped me deal with it. It was incredibly painful, but it was also a turning point. My life now is very much better as a result.
Photo no 2 is brilliant…the tongue bending around a corner in what looks like an impossible quest, yet magically scoring a blob of sauce!
What happened in France?
BPD can be used as a condescending way of transferring blame from therapist to patient. It translates into ‘I can’t fix you with my limited expertise, so I will label you as having a personality disorder as it lets me off the hook’ OR ‘your self harm freaks me out so much… I can’t deal with the trauma behind it, so I’ll just label you as faulty’
It feels a bit like the modern day version of ‘hysteria’ .
Some therapists cannot face their own emotional and professional limitations, so use terms that blame the patient. I did not realise this until I had a good therapist.
I resent all the ‘wasted’ years of my life spent struggling to survive and to recover. I know some feelings are a result of the abuse…feeling as if I am not entitled to just exist, that I should be achieving more.
Despite a good income, I don’t have holidays or any luxuries, giving every spare cent to those in need. It’s not because I am a caring person, more because I feel like I have not contributed enough. Trying to buy my way into a meaningful life. Sux.
I look at the pain, acknowledge it and respect it. Your abuser(s) should not have gotten away with harming you so badly. They should have been exposed and held accountable. For most of us that didn’t happen. My abuser died while I was trying to get up the courage to confront them. I never did get my say. They got a funeral and full of people saying how wonderful they were. It made me bitter and angry.
For me there are 3 things that help 1. Mindfulness…I see the pain as objectively as I can and respect it 2. Disclosure…I have told people (as many as I can cope with) about the abuse; some of these people knew my abuser and were horrified 3. Advocate…encourage and support other survivors in their journey to confront living abusers via legal or other means
This comment really helped me thank you dal_harang
Not everyone has the same level of CPTSD. Your symptoms are likely to be worse if the abuse started at a younger age, involved more than one abuser, happened over a longer period of time, or consisted of multiple types of abuse (emotional. physical, neglect, sexual etc).
On the other hand your resilience might be stronger if you had a kind teacher, relative or got help earlier.
I watched a documentary about an 8 year old who SA and violence alert was raped for 5 hours to the point where she almost died from her injuries then her throat was cut. This amazing child went for help and grew up to be a policewoman and child advocate. And here am I struggling to simply get out of bed every morning.
So as VivisVens says we can do toxic comparison (I’m fundamentally crap because I’m not a heroic child advocate/rescuer) or just try to love ourselves like we deserve. None of us are weak or flawed. Our abusers might be but we are not. We survived. We do our best. Some days we are heroes for just getting out of bed and facing the day.
Family and loved ones have a hard time admitting that when we try to exit ourselves they are hurt and angry. How could we try to leave them without warning? They don’t understand that their love is not enough to keep us around when life becomes truly unbearable.
The other thing they feel is fear. What if you do it again, but this time you succeed? Can they cope living with you in this tense fearful state?
The people who do understand what you are going through are fellow survivors and experienced medical professionals.
Don’t expect loved ones to truly understand what you are going through. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone but yourself. But unfortunately when you try to exit life, your loved ones are traumatised. Some of them try to punish you for it or over control you. Some want to stay away from you, other don’t want you to leave their sight. Some have enough understanding to be more empathetic. But they are all terrified.
Your partner cannot show anger to you because you are still so vulnerable. They would be an ass if they did that. The best thing you can do is use the trained resources around you to help you get back on your feet. You have wanted to exit life for some time. You need lots of nurturing and support. Professional support.
One thing that will help both of you is get an emergency plan in place before you leave hospital. What if you feel this bad again? Who will you contact? What are the steps in place, the phone numbers of doctors or resources that you or your partner can contact to get help before you get desperate enough to self harm? This plan will give your partner a sense of security they may really need so they feel less anxious, and you need it too.
Good news is there has never been a time in history when there are so many useful resources for trauma, depression PTSD recovery. You have a good chance of getting through this horrible time and getting yourself a life you don’t want to leave.
Your imaginary friend is not only normal but a great emotional safety tactic. As an adult I was advised by a therapist to imagine a strong safe person who cares for you and ask them for advice. DYI guardian angel for trauma survivors.
During my abused childhood I had an imaginary friend as well, based on the cartoons I watched at the time. I can’t remember details but I can remember the feeling of comfort.
Despite severe childhood abuse I present as a strong super achiever. People at work complement me on my ‘resilience’. I am a mentor for younger people.
What they don’t know is - I have been hospitalised (sectioned) 3 times - I cannot sleep without strong medication - I have lived on the street - Every time I touch someone I feel nauseous decades after the abuse.
I have had 20 years of therapy, I appear to be ‘highly functioning’, and to be sure I have come a long way and am at peace with myself. Finally. But all it takes is a few bad life circumstances and I could end up in hospital again.
Very few people know my full story, apart from health professionals and other survivors. I used to try to tell people but they couldn’t cope with the ugliness of it. So now I just present my strong side, the side that others can cope with. The rest I keep secret.
He has Parkinson’s. That is why no face expression. With Parkinson’s the body freezes and they have to wait until they unfreeze. It’s very debilitating and many elderly people have it.
What you did is normal. If you read the research, most people freeze in a traumatic situation. It’s the most common response, programmed by our monkey brain. It’s not a thought out thing, but a deep seated instinct. If you freeze and stay quiet, there is a good chance the predator won’t see you.
I read a book “Deep Survival” that researched how people react in disasters. One scene in a sinking ferry the survivor saw all other passengers frozen in silence, standing still unable to do anything to save themselves.
You just quit a major addiction? Sounds like you are definitely getting strong.
My mother was ecstatic when my older sister, then an anxious 18 year old, lost weight. My sister turned into a skeleton…she no longer had a backside, there was just bones. My sister moved toward death, her breath smelled foul, her eyes sank into her skull, my mother praising her all the way.
Fortunately my sister was admitted to hospital where she was in intensive care for some time, lying on an inner tube so her bones wouldn’t poke through her skin.
My sister recovered and became a fantastic contributor to society. My mother never understood why all the fuss about anorexia. My mother finally reached her target weight before she died of cancer. Her greatest joy was that she lost so much weight through the chemo she could fit into jeans.
Are you really gonna eat all that?
TwoXChromosomes