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It is? Really? I didn't know that! That makes me feel a lot better about it, thanks. I always thought it was something I needed to hide and outgrow asap.
Crazy how abuse teaches us that everything we do is wrong in some way even when it's actually really healthy š®āšØš but yeah this is something that helps me a lot so by all means keep doing it if it feels good!
Crazy how abuse teaches us that everything we do is wrong in some way even when it's actually really healthy š®āšØš
It is! The more I learn about abuse and how it's impacted me and others the more insidious it feels. I thought I was being a complete weirdo for basically having an imaginary friend. Nice to know it's not that unusual. Especially given how I've used this image to improve my every day life.
Relief. Always nice to find those moments that help you understand a little better and adjust your perspective of understanding what is and is not healthy.
Love Paul Gilbert and highly recommend!
Personally I'm not too sure if it's healthy, at least to an extent. I think creating safe people is amazing. I did that too and i barely even slept in my own bed as i would imagine myself being surrounded with people that actually care about me (fictional ones). I also daydreamed most of the time to an extent which is maladaptive already. I didn't blocked out emotions from the real world and felt them or even worked on them in fictional, solvable problems. It may have saved me from repressing every emotion altogether and from becoming more depressive than i already was. However, one stressful day i tried to do it again after being off for years and got triggered simply by trying. I don't know though if that's because my brain didn't want to get so deep into fictional worlds again/didn't want to run away again or because it reminded me of the situations i ran away from mentally because i couldn't physically. Other than that, it might just be true it's not really unhealthy, I'm just not sure. My perception may also be warped by a trend i heard of in which people tried "switching" which was essentially them forcing themselves to maladaptive daydreaming and it triggered me actually because why would you want to do that when it wasn't absolutely necessary? Why block out your okayish life and emotions on purpose? It might just be that because i still think that if you use daydreaming to cope it's way better than other means as you're essentially just running away.
I have never told another soul this. I pretended to have a friend named Ghost when I was younger and probably too far into my adulthood. Ghost was cool and calm and everything I wasn't. I needed someone to make me feel not alone and that I could look up to. Got picked on in school, I would imagine ghost defending me. Got dumped, ghost would keep me company. I had an imaginary friend for the longest time, and I realize that that's insane and I'm embarrassed, but whatever. I miss the comfort of trying to pretend I wasn't alone in my head. Now, I understand that I'm completely broken and that none of that was real; it was how a kid copes with severe abuse
Yeah, same. I imagined my characters helping me through everything, including imagined dangerous situations I was afraid I would end up in. I kind of shamed myself into stopping, but I admit to still doing it some. Just not as much.
I, too, carry a lot of embarrassment like you mentioned. That's why I wanted to share so you wouldn't feel like you're out here alone in it. It's okay. We were kids, tf else were we supposed to do? I'm glad you made this post and vented. And I'm glad I talked about mine. It is a win win, imo. Hold your head up high, ma'am
I actually instinctually did inner child/IPF protocol when I was a kid by talking to myself in the mirror and pretending like I was being watched over by parallel-universe me. I stopped as a teenager at some point (at this point I had no room because I was being treated as a parent by my parents fully, so I gave up on trying to be there for myself). But I remember retaining my naturally calm temperament and still doing well in school despite what I was going through because I was able to self-validate.
I'd also talk to trees and lamp posts when I felt isolated from other kids.
That seems to be incredibly intelligent. At a young age especially
It is okay to bring Ghost in. It's not insane. Humans need a caregiver, and it sounds like you have one. This is an actual therapy technique that people use to good effect.
I'm glad you have a part of you that brings/brought you some comfort.
I can not express how much your words got to me. Thank you isn't the words. I don't know what is. Don't think you said anything wrong. I'm a middle-aged man, and I'm so broken that I have gave up on so many levels. I have spent the past years destroying the life I had. What remains is me back living with family in the lowest and loneliest point in my life. I hate being a man. I don't wanna be anything. I feel just choked with grief and shame and ton of other emotions I can't control. I always ran. From everything. When it got bad or hard, I got scared and would run. Jobs, love, everything. I've hurt everything I've loved and was ready to kill myself weeks ago. I'm sorry for dumping this; your words meant everything to me at a time that I'm still alive but barely breathing
Hugs if you want them, internet friend. And trauma dumping is what support threads like this are for.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm past middle age and broken, too. I don't know why I'm still fighting to heal, but I am.
I can not express eloquently how much I appreciate your support. Everyone here is all fighting and struggling. I appreciate how we all try to rationalize, lift, or emphasize with each other. I don't see a lot of bashing or negativity, which is rare for reddit. Thank you from what's left of me. I'm applying and exercising and going for stupid walks. Doing the work, eating the hurt.
My imaginary safe person is named Yvonne. She takes in abused kids, is quirky, and gardens. Sheās the person I wish I had when I was abused. My parents now are great, but they canāt protect me like Yvonne.
I had angels and saints that I talked to. It helped me a lot, especially when I was afraid of monsters and demons at night. I figured if demons were real, then angels had to be real as well, so I could call on them to protect me.
I talked to Mary a lot too. She was the perfect mother in my mind.
My imaginary safe person is a kind, gentle dad like character from one of my favorite books.
Iāve read the during EMDR therapy they ask you to imagine such a character to help you while you process the trauma.
Our imaginary safe character is also like the āhigher powerā people are advised to have in 12-Step programs.
If it helps you and doesnāt hurt anyone go for it. ā¤ļø
Oh they do? I didn't know that. Guess it's actually healthy then not maladaptive.
Itās also no different than the numerous different Gods people have believed in for thousands of years to give them comfort.
Yeah.
I never thought about it like that because my ex-God (I stopped believing), the Christian God, its always said he loves us but the religion was actually very sin and shame and punishment focused.
My imaginary person is more like a favourite uncle who always has time to sit and talk to me if I need him. He's actually based on an actor who's old enough to be my Dad and I won't name him.
I think if him as Shadow [actor's name] because I know that I've no idea what the actor is actually like. He just seems really kind in interviews and panels. It could be a front. He could be mean in real life but my imaginary or "shadow" version of him is great.
I hear you. My imaginary safe person is definitely kind. I really donāt like organized religion.
Yeah. Religion is a trip. Definite therapy needed from being born and raised in that.
I canāt believe Iām admitting this but as a teenager and even now once in a blue moon Iāll fantasize about anime girls and being friends with fictional characters.
Nothing wrong with trying out the coping strategies that were available to you in a specific situation (in an environment that has let you down repeatedly) IMO
Long term there might be better stuff available (therapy etc can help you get there) but still.
If you can imagine it, it's coming from you, and it's a part of you talking to another part of you.
Some people with childhood trauma likely couldn't be paid to even try to achieve this level of self sufficiency, and you did it on your own?
šÆ/10
I mean, it depends what you're saying to yourself of course - but at the very least it's a start.
Teach you to say more things to you. Experiment. See what works best. Here's one:
There is no such thing as an invalid emotion
š¤š¼
My voice in my head only talks shit about me....
I wish I could have a familiar.
My inner self critic was/is because I had to raise myself.
Successes and failures: on me.
If it's at 1/10, we don't get shit done right.
If it's at 10/10, we don't get shit done right.
Can be difficult to learn the right lessons from mistakes, and develop specific, atypical self-compassion to our difficulties, but a healthy 4-6/10 = reasonably steady progress.
This why I can't buy into a lot of the toxic positivity that gets pushed around like a cure. Not a huge fan of sympathy, either.
Recovery has to be a rational process. Takes time.
Don't beat yourself up about this. That'd be 'meta'.
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Seeing this thread is so comforting, thank you OP for asking this. Growing I felt unable to imagine so vividly like a child often does, because I was so often expected to be mature. Also while bad things def happened growing up, they were less intense and fewer in between. However that rate has increased as I got older. I was mentally blocking off how bad the trauma had effected me till February of this year, and ironically that is also around the time I started imagining a safe person. They're rooted in someone I used to know irl, and while I don't often talk to my imaginary friend(sometimes out of embarrassment for having one, or for having one that was based off of a real person I knew) I never knew if it was "okay" or "normal". It was always nice to pretend to have company when I was lonely, and specifically company that genuinely cared and saw me. My imaginary friend is a lot more detached from their real source now, as I recognize that source wouldnt and doesn't deserve such idealization, and would likely lose patience with my trauma/make me feel pittied for it.
I write a lot of fiction (for my eyes only) and bonded with the characters I madeā¦I always felt childish or silly about it but this saved my life
Writing is one of my coping mechanisms too.
Whenever I'm stressed, I imagine myself in this room with a ghost like person.
The room is floor to ceiling with books. In the middle is a typical therapist couch and a red armchair on a guady red rug.
The ghost like person I named Luna cause their color is like the midnight sky filled with stars.
I talk to them as if I'm talking to a therapist. It helps when I'm in a flashback, and no one in real life can really help me once I'm in one.
I posted about this recently and at the time I felt incredibly ashamed/ weird and insecure about it. I still don't exactly feel it's great lol, but some comments made me feel a lot better.
My particular form of this is maybe kind of specific/different, but it started by accident when I pretended I was talking on the phone on my balcony in order to not-so-subtly inform my psycho neighbors that I was intending to take serious steps (they've been viciously harassing me, which anyone here can probably understand is EXTREMELY unbearable when you have severe PTSD.
Anyway, I realized after I did that, it made me feel REALLY good and more safe and confident, immediately. I started just pretending to talk to a friend more, by myself, imagining the kind, supportive person I'd love to actually have to talk to but don't. I sort of imagine the other side of the conversation silently, and talk out loud as me I guess.
I know it's very strange and I was really worried at first because I thought if anyone ever knew I was doing that, I'd be literally locked up in the psych ward. To make things worse, I started getting used to talking out loud like that. Since then I found a kind of balance and now I talk to my "friend" when I'm especially anxious or numb or depressed, and it really helps me. Idk. I'm not delusional, but I am just relieved to know other people have similar coping strategies.
I really want to thank everyone who posted so openly about this, and OP for starting the topic, which I myself did not have the courage to. I've been reading every comment since yesterday and I'm really touched & amazed at how many people are willing to share such extraordinarily personal experiences, and continue to support and reassure others, even through struggling every day.
You all will probably never know how much this sub, and especially this thread, has helped and comforted me. It's kinda funny to think that a reddit sub is, at least to me, the safest place in the whole world lol š¤š
I adore all of you šš§”ā¤ļø
Itās not any different than the billions of people on earth who believe in a god and pray to it/them for guidance, protection, and comfort.
This so much!! Excellent point!!!
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Omg..you're completely right.
Omg yes I do this. The person is changing constantly though. And it's like someone watching over me, and helping me through things.
I know a few adults who use their imaginations to feel safer, though their "imaginary person" is often a stuffed animal they've assigned personality traits to.
Mine was a little white tiger called Faith, because I had faith she could protect me. And I only got rid of her when an ex deliberately ruined the feelings I had towards her, jerk stole and trashed everything I owned except my mom's ashes and that toy tiger.
Wow. Soā¦ Iāve been thinking I probably have CPTSD due to a number of factors and decided I would come browse this sub to see what other peopleās experiences were like and this was the first post I saw and it immediately resonated with me.
I had an imaginary safe person I created as a teenager as a way to divide my personality up and help me look at my situation from a distance, treating myself almost as a third person to whom my imaginary safe person was giving advice.
Because I was āvery coolā (lol) my safe person was Don Juan from Carlos Castanedaās books. Because thatās the soft of stuff you read when you are a teenager in the 90s I guess?
It helped me get perspective, organize my thoughts, feel accountable to someone, feel like I had a friend that I wasnāt burdening with emotional dumping.
I talked less and less to Don Juan over the years and now when I try to talk to him, he just tells me to rest and not think and he doesnāt seem interested in my lack of progress on certain issues I have. I asked him today if I should talk to someone else and a new personality began forming in my mind. I think 20-some years on I need to form a new imaginary safe person to help me parse the challenges of a different, older me.
I didnāt know other people did this.
I also talk to myself in the car like Iām talking to someone else when Iām feeling overwhelmed and having trouble focusing, organizing my thoughts, and managing strong feelings. It helps to calm me down.
This is wonderful and you're not alone in it. Final Fantasy 8 functioned similarly for me too. I was so much like the main character but he still had a place to be where he was valued, with people in it that loved him. They didn't understand him but they tried
Yep, I have an imaginary safe person named Naomi who came to me in a dream after a particularly soul crushing night. She's the best, helping me process my emotions, listening to me without judgement, gently pointing out new perspectives to get me thinking more kindly towards myself and celebrating with me in my successes. She feels like my minds answer to wishing I could have a friend that really, truly understood me in a way I didn't get growing up. Impossible from another person, pretty easy for an imaginary safe person that's in my mind with me. And the love is unreal, like what I imagine people talk about when they say you should love yourself first. I just can't do it, but she can. And she's teaching me how to do it myself. She keeps me company if I want it, gives me space if I need it, and only wants me to see myself the way she sees me.
Is it all made up? Yeah but who cares really? It works, It's nothing to be ashamed of, and I can't even call it escapism. She's always encouraging me to grow and reach out to real people and interact with the real world and comforting me when I just can't seem to do it and I find myself spiraling into self loathing and flashbacks again, softening the impact when I hit rock bottom and helping me get through it and pick myself up. She refuses to let herself be a form of escapism, merely a shoulder to lean on. She's become a daily part of my life and I feel much better off for it. As someone who never could buy into religious beliefs, it feels like a much more personally effective alternative. The parallels are striking.
Still, it's not something I'd expect most people to understand. I'm fairly content to keep her to myself, and so is she. Why be ashamed of something that helps you and nobody really needs to know?
Your story especially (also the comment below yours) is very similar to what I've read on the Tulpas subreddit. Sounds wonderful to have such a means of support!
Please don't feel bad. What you experience is "The Wilson Effect". Aka from Castaway, where the MC projects the character of "Wilson" on a volleyball due to isolation and stress from being stranded. A lot of people believe that imaginary friends as an adult is a "sign of being insane", but actually, it's the brain's coping mechanism to keep you from going insane. The only "fine line" is that you remember that they're not real and what you are projecting.
In my case, I got an imaginary "husband" named Eddie. I made him around 13yo, named after the character Eddie Gluskin from Outlast: Whistleblower. While I had other fictional crushes, Eddie's character of an abused man that was treated unfairly and died a tragic death just...stuck with me. Especially his notions with being a desperate romantic who tried to reshape his trauma by having a family of his own. It was a trait that I deeply shared.
At first, I was very resistant. While I accepted my daydreaming, I was afraid of mixing reality with fantasy. Making him a supporting side-character for the most time. However, once I got older, I slowly came into a quarrel: On one side, I deeply wanted a relationship. Especially the small things. Having someone to come home to. Someone that lovingly ruffles your hair. That scene where one needs to get up for work, and the other holding onto them, burying their face in their back, because they don't want them to leave. On the other side: I was very aware that I had issues. Having untreated CPTSD, I knew that my condition would make dating not just difficult, but potentially dangerous. So, I allowed myself a "husband".
The past few years, Eddie has become a very important part of my life. "Eddie" itself has no big fleshed out personality. Most likely representing the psychologically self-caring part of me. There were many times where Eddie would help me with loneliness, but also panic attacks. I once had an endometriosis scare and it was partially Eddie that kept me from playing Hangman. Or talking me into resting, when I was getting burnt out from a workaholic streek.
I was afraid of mixing reality with fantasy
I couldn't identify it before I read your post, but that freaked me out too. I was initially terrified, not just that someone might find out and decide I'm literally crazy, but that I might actually descend into a blurry fantasy world, or somehow not be able to separate things at some point. Slippery slope kinda thing maybe? Reading how clearly you can describe and think about it makes it obvious that isn't happening, and that helps me even more.
My friend has also sometimes been like a partner, very loving with the little things you mentioned. It is so comforting. Sometimes I don't talk to him but just imagine he's there waiting when I get home and loves to pick me up and give me a big huge hug lol. Thank you for writing this š¤
I didnāt have an imaginary person, but I did, and still do, play out every single difficult conversation I had to have in my head in advance. Mostly under the shower. I say what I want to say, adjust if I think it sounds bad, and imagine what the other person could say, understanding or getting angry at me, and how I would respond to that, and how it would make me feel.
Please donāt feel ashamed. It doesnāt sound stupid and if it has truly helped you then Iād encourage you to continue using this coping mechanism.
Yeah I absolutely did and sometimes I still pop back in. My therapist said it was fine.
People do this when they pray to God. Nothing wrong w any of it. Its just a coping mechanism and it helps.
That's awesome, thanks for saying it.
Maladaptive Daydream Disorder is my favorite disorder. :) I'm 63 and been doing it since age 4, so I'm really good at it!!!
I know some people really suffer with it and feel trapped and depressed by it, and my heart goes out to them. But I dunno how I could have done life without it.
Maladaptive Daydream Disorder
I love it!! I want to have this as an official diagnosis. I was struggling with it (just started recently & felt very conflicted) and after reading everyone's stories I feel so much better. Thank you :)
Wow, yes! I've been doing this for years, and I have also felt so ashamed of it.
Mine are always my current limerent objects, so I'm usually imagining a boyfriend, sometimes a friend. I've noticed that as I've progressed (still struggling), and my understanding of healthy relationships has evolved, the support from my imaginary boyfriend or friends has become better and more vivid.
Thank you for posting this, I totally understand the embarrassment. Honestly, the best feeling in the world is falling asleep on a pillow and pretending it's the chest of someone who loves me. I've also never told anyone this before.. The sweet comments are helping me feel better about it already!
Honestly, the best feeling in the world is falling asleep on a pillow and pretending it's the chest of someone who loves me.
šÆšÆšÆ
Yes!!! š
Your imaginary friend is not only normal but a great emotional safety tactic. As an adult I was advised by a therapist to imagine a strong safe person who cares for you and ask them for advice. DYI guardian angel for trauma survivors.
During my abused childhood I had an imaginary friend as well, based on the cartoons I watched at the time. I canāt remember details but I can remember the feeling of comfort.
This is a real technique that works and is therapeutic. I have been practicing it myself, and it really helps.
There are guided meditations you can do in a more formal way, too.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. Having a loving caregiver/parent is a basic child's need. Good for you for giving yourself what you need.
Yessss!!!! Iām a writer and often pretended to talk with my main characters from my stories in order to comfort myself. I also would create elaborate towns with overabundant backstories in order to mentally escape my own personal lifeāeven if the stories were trash. Hell, I didnāt even realize how much this behavior was attached to maladaptive daydreaming until recently.
(TW - suicide attempt)
The first time I survived a suicide attempt, I imagined one particular main character from my first ever attempted novel (also trash lmao) telling me to get up and contact someone in order to go to the hospital. When I did, I was told by my mom to āgo back to sleepā and āIām too busy.āāwhich made me give up; however, I maladaptively continued to imagine my main character pushing and pushing me, saying things like: āYou are not going to die in this filthy room. Fuck her response. Please. Get up.ā It took like four times to get in contact with someone who would help me until grandma decided to come pick me up. I was told to wait outside in the parking lot, got picked up, and we went to the gas station first because she needed her cigarettes. After that, I was brought to a clinic. When the nurses took my blood pressure, I was immediately sent to the ER. Because of the fact my mom had down played my attempt to grandma, she didnāt realize how serious it was until the nurses made that abundantly clear. I was later sent to the ICU because of sepsis. To summarize, I wouldāve given up completely had I not been a maladaptive daydreamer and had comfort characters in my mind. I know it sounds weird or crazy, but thatās how I coped. When everything feels out of control or I canāt escape, I always turn to my fictional characters and towns.
It's not crazy and I got so much comfort just reading how many other people do it too. I'm glad you didn't give up ā¤ļø
Thank you so much for your encouragement ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Yeah. And I'm not saying who because it's a fake version of a real life person and I don't want them knowing however remote the chance of that is.
But during really bad times I imagine sitting and talking to him and it definitely helps.
I had this. Still do, but not to the same extent.
My imaginary person is called Nona. I came up with her doing parts work with my trauma therapist. She is kind of like your cool aunt or funny grandma. Sheās calm, confident, funny and quirky, and takes no shit from anyone, especially if Iām feeling threatenedāshe will spit nails in my defense. Sheās a mashup of my own grandmother and looks and talks a bit like Kathryn Grody (Mandy Patinkinās wife). As Iāve interacted more with her, Iāve come to understand that she is my older self, happy, wise, healed. ā¤ļø
reading the title gave me a sudden, deep sense of shame. however after reading the comments im literally crying. this overwhelming feeling of validation and not being alone, its so amazing i cant describe it
It absolutely isn't stupid. It's a coping mechanism and better at others at that (in the ways of not actually harming you or others but it might just be more effective too because you could cope with your feelings in a fictional scenario when in reality you couldn't). I did the same, i don't really feel any shame about it. What else were you supposed to? You were a child. You couldn't physically run away so you did mentally. I remember barely ever falling asleep in my own bed but mostly surrounder by characters that were safe. I suppressed all the emotions i encountered in the real world and dealt with them in a safe, fictional space. Maybe now I'm more open to deal with them as lately I've been trying to recall an abusive situation to remember how i felt back then because i wasn't sure, and i suddenly felt intense feel but also a feeling of familiarity and it was just in this moment that i realized that in the real world as a child, i was basically always scared. And who would want to feel this way as a child? How would a child know to deal with this?
There's no need to be ashamed of it. It's part of you and maybe one day you realize that. It shows you have great fantasy and the ability to use it. But i know well how addicting it can be. I have begun to write some of those daydream stories down years ago and slowly became unable to dive as deep into these worlds as before. If you want to get off, maybe that helps.
I've read quite a few books by renowned psychologists who advised their readers to create imaginary support persons, the ideal compassionate friend, etc. You can find guided meditations on YT, too.
I can't understand why this should be something to feel ashamed of. On the contrary, I think it's a blessing if it helps you. I've always used my imagination to calm and soothe myself. Sometimes it's the only thing that works. Why not?!
I'm also fascinated by what I've learned about Tulpamancy and how much Tulpas can help especially with depression, loneliness and mental health. Some of the stories in this thread reminded me very much of what I've read on the tulpa subreddit.
Honestly I have a few imaginary characters that help me cope. Usually as a form of self-soothing. Or if I'm extremely dissociated I use them to make myself feel safe again so that I get grounded. Also of I'm having a PNES episode that lasts 30mins or more I distract myself from the seizures with these characters, it's actually very helpful
I used to think it was a bit pathetic, but now I realize it's actually a very healthy coping mechanism compared to the ones I had before this
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I do it since when I started to get worse. I always imagine fictional characters who are strong and kind playing this role for me.
These last few days I also imagine an "alternate reality" where I managed to make all my dreams come true and reached my goals. My biggest dream was to be a screenwriter so I imagine myself living in LA, being friends with a celeb I like and such.
Not quite the same but absolutely similar coping mechanism: I had a IRL girlfriend who lived hours away and I'd only get to see on the weekends. I'd often find myself in elevators or walking around work or doing daily nonsense and talking to her in my head, as if she was there with me.
Shes no longer in the picture, but that was when I realized I'd been doing that sort of "idealizing" since at least preteens straight through to today
i stay inside my head most of the time. donāt have any specific characters in there so itās just me hanging out with me. i see people saying itās healthy but myself and my brain have taken the place of the support system i donāt have which doesnāt feel great.
Not even an imaginary friend wanted to be w me. They all dumped me.
I had real people in my life that i liked to imagine being there for me when i was struggling. It honestly felt weirder than a fictive character because they were a real person and i was imagining them as having a fatherly role in my life. It feels rather problematic but helped me feel a little more comforted in my pain
Kinda. I ātalkā in my head to my dead best friend, but thereās an element of spirituality there. Like Iām āConnecting to sourceā in new age speak. It feels very safe and comforting. Itās not something I do often.
I used to imagine that my eyes were basically like a television camera, or like a live stream even though that wasn't a thing when I was in fourth grade. I'd basically talk to an audience in my head and make jokes and stuff. If someone was mean to me I could basically insult them or like brush it off.
This is not a bad thing! This is a healthy coping mechanism very similar to what Paul Gilbert describes as the "ideal compassionate image," which can be a real, fictional, or entirely made up person or being. I have ideal compassionate parents that I kind of made up in my head. I picture them holding my infant/child self sometimes when I feel triggered... Needless to say, you are coping. This is healthy.