Find a different medication. Not all medications are the right fit and it can take time to get the dose and the right medication for your child. And my psychiatrist has said the best dose is the smallest dose that you need to manage ADHD. You may need to change to a different ADHD medication.

I am really glad you found it helpful.

I haven’t been but my spouse was by a family member and the scary thing is, it is very generational in my spouses family. This has deeply impacted my spouse and me and we probably spent the first 8 years of our marriage working through all of my spouses childhood issues from what he went through. It is also something I have done a lot of research into because we wanted to stop the generational cycle.

These are the things that I have learnt and implemented over the years with our son. Be the safe person. Be the person your child can come to about anything and know you are the calm, not get upset person to talk to. This is something you do in the everyday little stuff as well as the big stuff.

Learn to read their body language. My child is not a natural talker and very independent and likes to handle his own problems. He doesn’t dob and we’ve had to talk about its okay to talk about things going on and you don’t have to handle everything on your own, with him lots of times. It’s a work in progress but I have learnt to read what his body is telling me and will say something when I can see his body is tighter and he looks like he’s carrying a problem. I do this because most children don’t tell their parents they are being abused. My child needs to know I will have their back and am safe to talk to about anything.

Have their back and teach them how to set boundaries in a clear direct way and when they do support them with it. Tickling is a good way to do this (surprisingly enough). I hate and loathe being tickled but my child loves it on their terms. I made it clear to them that I did not like it because my dad used to tickle me and never stopped when I asked so my child had to tell me when he wanted me to stop and I only tickled them when they asked. They tested me and we spent an evening with me tickling them and then saying stop every couple of minutes. They loved the fact that their no was strong enough to get me to stop and that they were in control. I gave my child the safe space to practice saying no with how they wanted or did not want to be touched. My child also has full control over all touch be it hugs or kisses or high fives. I ask them if they want a hug etc and they get to choose. Individual children get to choose so what one child likes another one may not and asking them, allows them to choose for themselves and their preferences will change depending on their mood and needs at the time.

Always remember, little things matter. My child is an observational learner, so they watch me with how I listen, how I speak, how I set my own boundaries. Show your child that their needs with these things are more important than making someone else happy or keeping the peace.

As your child gets older, teach them to trust their judgement. You will not always able to be there in every situation, so your child needs to know how to assess a situation and people. Do they feel safe in their body? Do they have good or bad butterflies? Teach them to listen to what their body is telling them. We are told to be polite, don’t be rude etc but we aren’t taught how to act and what to do in situations where we don’t feel safe. Physical activities such as rock climbing or climbing trees or anything that means they need to think, problem solve and use their judgement are great things for them to practice and build these skills. My child loved climbing as a toddler and before he started school so I would let them and get them to think about the situation and to safely climb up and down. They would ask if it was okay and my response was to check in with their body- do they feel safe? Is their body saying it’s okay to do this? When I did this it built their confidence and they were more attuned to what their body was saying about situations and people.

When it comes to the internet, have the safety settings on and have the conversations with your child about online concerns. We’ve talked with our child about online bullying, the hook of spending money online and porn. We are actively supervising as in I game with my child and play Roblox, Minecraft and a host of other games. For the most part my child’s experiences have been positive but we are mindful of the risks and what is out there and keep the conversations going with them.

And finally, most people won’t do the right thing about this. They will talk the talk but they’ll turn a blind eye rather than have the hard conversations or change behaviour that is borderline and can groom a child to accept abuse. I have had to cut people like this out of my life because they don’t get it or understand and never will. That has been hard but there is no relationship that means more to me than my child’s sexual safety. And not everyone will get that.

I get it as a lot of people have misused the word and use it for their own manipulative purposes. I know some call it radical acceptance. For me it’s also learning to let go and choose who I want to be as a person.

You asked someone three times to stop hitting you before you got angry. You should never have to ask someone three times to stop hitting you with a hairbrush. She could see she was triggering you and that you did not enjoy or want her to continue and she kept doing it anyway. It was only when you got angry and started scuffling did she start taking your ‘no’ seriously. Why did you have to get angry and start yelling and scuffling for her to take your ‘no’ seriously? Do not apologise. She should be apologising to you for not respecting your boundary of ‘she can’t hit you with her hairbrush.’

She has no respect for you and enjoyed upsetting you and thought you would keep taking it. That speaks volumes that she likes to bully and twisted her bullying to ‘I was joking.’ There was no fun or humour in that, which means she was enjoying upsetting and annoying you. Do not allow her into your home. It’s your sanctuary. Your wife has a choice to make - have your back about your body boundaries or be on the side of a bully.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is letting go of all the anger, bitterness and rage you have towards someone about what they did. It’s okay to be angry about what happened to you but you also need to move through the anger and come out the other side. It’s acknowledging that what they did was wrong and hurtful and should never have happened. Forgiveness does not mean that you are saying what the other person did was okay. It is accepting that the other person is who they are, and what they did was not right and should never have happened. And then letting the grief and pain and hurt and anger go and turning around and living your best life.

Reconciliation can only come about when the person who has hurt another person, genuinely repents and changes their behaviour. It cannot happen without that.

People seem to think if you forgive, you are reconciled. To use the bible as an example, Jesus forgave but he was not reconciled with everyone. He forgave the ones who killed him, but he was never reconciled with them. And given the chance they probably would have killed him again. The only ones he was reconciled with were those who genuinely wanted to change who they were. He held people accountable and called them out for their behaviour. The ones he reconciled with were the ones who genuinely changed their behaviour and made restitution for their behaviour.

And finally every person I know who held onto their anger, their bitterness, who could not let it go, ended up becoming like their abusers. The ones who could genuinely let go and forgive (not reconciled) did tend to not become abusive and live better lives.

My son had a best friend at Kindergarten who was pretty mean to him and liked to be the boss of her everything. My son is pretty easy going and gravitated to this friend because she mothered him and when they first met, he needed or wanted that kind of a relationship. As they got older and my son was more confident, he wanted an equal say and that’s when his friend would say whatever she could to make my son do what she wanted. It wasn’t a good dynamic. My son grew and changed and she struggled to grow and change with him - she preferred the old dynamic.

Some things we found that worked for us was I actively supervised the play dates and would step in when his friend was demanding her own way. For the slide I would step in and say ‘no, you need to take it in turns or your son was at the top first and he needs to wait.’ Actively speak up for your son. Actively remind him in front of his friend and his parents that it is okay for him to say, ‘no, we need take it in turns.’ I think your son will be relieved to have you have his back.

When you’re at home and playing, talk about taking it in turns and negotiating. For example when you are playing Lego together ask him if you should choose the game or what you build or do you think we should take it in turns of who gets to choose. Do you think one of us gets to choose first this time and the other first next time? Get him thinking about it. Talk to him about what makes a kind friend, what he likes about different kids etc.

I would talk to the teacher again and couch it in terms that you would like your child to have lots of friends and not just one. Use the excuse of lots of friends makes it easier for your son and his friend when the other is off sick or away and they will need to get used to separating as your son is going to a new school next semester.

The other thing is to reduce play dates with your son’s friend outside of school as much as politely is possible. Organise play dates with other children especially any child going to your son’s new school. If your son’s friend’s parents ask why they aren’t playing as much explain you are trying to also build his friendships or connections with children attending your son’s next school to make the transition easier.

About the birthday party, step in and be active in the interactions especially if his friend is being bossy or mean. Everyone gets a chance to be first and everyone needs to take it in turns. Talk to your son about needing to play with all children at the party or interacting with all as he is the host and a lot of the kids will want to talk to him or play with him because it’s his birthday. And that’s okay. Having a party is different to one on one play dates. I hope this helps.

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I am so sorry about you being SA and your brother siding with your abuser. It is heartbreaking.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 52 years old. I thought I had ASD (probably have them both) but it has helped a lot and understand myself so much more. My GP was willing to do the referral but wasn’t sure if I had it or not. I had learnt to compensate really well. Go get assessed, it’s worth doing and if you suspect then it’s likely that you have it or something neurodivergent. Also check out the ADDitude website. They are super informative.

No, you behaved perfectly. You did not let your Aunts behaviour turn you into being abusive or nasty. You stayed calm, polite and kind.

My birthday is in summer here and my mum had my birthday party a couple of months early. Did not bother me then or now that she did that. And as an adult I once threw a friend a surprise half birthday for her 21.5 years and she loved it as it was so unexpected. You could do something like that for your child.

I’m more worried about the impact it had on his teeth. His dentist would not stop going on about it.

We’re the same. There are consequences but not punishments and the consequences are natural ones that occur due the lie or bad decision but our child know we have his back. And we give him the chance to correct the lie by saying is there anything more you want to tell us. It helps.

I don’t tend to do punishments but rather natural consequences that fit the situation. If you want to anything you could have it that he has to have one of his parents watch him wash his hands. He may get sick of it and be more reliable and let him know that is soap hasn’t been replaced, this is where it is kept. Alternatively, you check with him each week if the soap is running low and he gets the replacement out of the cupboard and put it in the bathroom. It also teaches him to be aware of what things are running out in the bathroom and what needs replacing. He’ll become more aware and be able to better manage that in the future.

We have the same issue re cleaning teeth. He’s not doing it to be horrible just that he doesn’t like doing it, so teeth cleaning happens together and the dog gets his teeth cleaned at the same time.

That’s okay to hate it. It’s hard having to go through this for your daughter to learn that lying has consequences. But if you don’t then the lying will get worse. Hopefully this will nip it in the bud.

We did and there is significant generational trauma of SA in my husband’s family, including him. (We can trace it back and sideways). It meant I was worried about our child and him being SA. My husband did a lot of work on himself with it before we had our son. I have done a lot of work on me and put in a lot of thought as to how SA can be passed on so to speak. What tends to go hand in hand with SA, is people turning a blind eye to what is going on in front of them. This means I cannot turn a blind eye to any behaviour which can contribute to SA happening.

So I am vigilant about my son’s body boundaries being respected. And about being the safe person for him to talk to which means I have to ensure I am calm and give him the safe place to talk about what has happened about anything. I also have to be the safe person to tell when he has done the wrong thing and not go hardline with it. Natural consequences are a yes, punishments are a no. It has meant having hard conversations with others about their behaviour and the potential long term impact that they don’t realise. It has meant making sure I am safe for him to practice saying no to, so he can say no to others when it is hard to say no. It means addressing things that seem small but can grow into being bigger things and it’s easier to nip small things in the bud than it is to stop bigger things.

This is a life long journey and at some point I will need to have the conversation with my son about his future family, so he is aware of family history and the potential impact with his children. I have seen families where this skips a generation and I want it stopped in my husband’s generation.

I don’t regret having my son and in a lot of ways it’s been healing for my husband to have the father and son relationship that he never got to have with his dad due to the SA they both experienced. The trauma of that broke their relationship and it had only started being repaired a few months before my FIL died.

The only concern I have is your step son asked your son to leave the bathroom when he was in the bath naked. Your step son had the right to privacy. Your son did not listen or respect that boundary. That is the thing that needs to addressed with your son. He may be comfortable with people seeing him naked but not everyone is and at some point some children will request privacy with this. Your son needs to learn to respect a healthy boundary and you need to teach that to him. Your son did not listen to his step brother or you when asked to leave. Why not? That lack of respect of a boundary and willingness to listen to someone’s request for privacy is what is likely to be triggering your boyfriend. He is likely to be thinking: your son did listen to you or his step brother - he had to step in. You do need to discuss and teach respecting boundaries to your son. You need to model this. And before anyone says this is no big deal; remember abuse always starts from something that is deemed ‘no big deal.’ And it’s easier to nip things in the bud than wait until it gets bigger than that. Your son isn’t being abusive but he is showing his step brother than boundaries don’t matter and no one will have his step brothers back and stop someone that is causing him to feel uncomfortable when he is naked.

I would go for it. You know your kids and you know Sarah. Some kids I wouldn’t trust at a mixed sleepover, others I would; it depends on the kids. If her family are concerned then the other option would be a sleepover at another friend’s house that has a sister. Sarah could sleep in the same room as the sister while the boys sleep in the boys room.

I traveled 3 hours away in a car when our baby was 6 weeks old and was okay and I was post a C-section. But I did get to relax and the only main visit I had to worry about was my husband’s grandmother (the point of the visit as she was close to the end of her life). I’m not sure about a wedding where I have to dress up and do photos etc on top of all that. That is a stress in and of itself let alone on top of managing a baby.

I am apologising up front if this solution about the drums upsets you; I want you to have something back. You can get electronic drums which are all drum pads and you wear headphones so you hear the noise of the drums and no one else does. My son has a set and I can guarantee you cannot hear them. I wish and hope you can get joy out of playing drums again.

A lot of people don’t feel comfortable going to someone else’s house. The paternal grandparents aren’t unusual with that. If it was your house and your parents lived with you, it may be different but it’s your parent’s house. Do your parents leave you alone to visit with the paternal grandparents or are they in the same room too?

Do you have a close friend/sibling living with their in-laws, how comfortable would you feel visiting them with the in-laws being present with every conversation you have with your friend/sibling or would you like some alone time?

My sister lived with my parents when she was married and had three kids. She did this for 12 months as they were building their house at the time. She said she was surprised at how hardly anyone came to stay when she was there and visits dropped off from siblings. I still visited regularly but was the only one. When I talked to one of my other siblings they said they wanted one on one time with our parents not be sharing time with some who lived there and got time with them regularly.

I can see why your paternal grandparents may feel like how do we get to know our grandchild who will choose her grandparents they see all the time (because that is who they are most comfortable with).

If you want this to improve then organise your parents to go out so the paternal grandparents get that one on one time with your child. If they still don’t come, then it’s an excuse but if they do then perhaps there was another thing underpinning why they aren’t coming, that can be rectified.

Happy mum, happy baby. Your baby will pick up on your feelings and emotions and if you’re coping then so will she. If your settled, she will settle better, than if your not. And you’ll be in a better place if you’ve had sleep. You will cope better with everything life throws at you because you have had sleep. Give your baby the mum you want to be and be.

My son did drums for 4 years and practiced regularly. Used to write songs etc for his teacher and then after 3 years his teacher went on maternity leave and he did not like his new teacher so asked to stop at the end of the year. We agreed because for two of the four years he had done lessons online due COVID lockdowns but still persisted so thought taking a year wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t. A year later he is learning the Saxophone and loving it. He gives it more challenging than the drums and is picking it up quite quickly. Had you asked me when he was 5 if he would love the Saxophone I would have said no. Piano maybe but nothing else other than the drums. Your daughter was 6 when she started. Does she need a break? Would another instrument suit her better? What is your motivation for her to play the piano? Is this a hump she needs to get through because she is likely to regret it later on. It’s hard to know sometimes but good to ask the questions.

I was able to take 12 months of paid maternity leave which was a mixture of saved annual leave, maternity leave and government leave offered. I went back part time which was more to keep my foot in the organisation I worked for. The organisation is flexible and very person friendly so it’s easier to care for sick family members etc. My previous job was nursing and I considered going back and working weekends whilst my husband worked during the week and not pay childcare. I knew having no family time would not work for us.

The other biggest factor was I was older mum and whilst I had reached the level I wanted to in my career, I had had friends die leaving spouses as single parents or friends and family divorce and suddenly needing to work because of it. I have also seen the main breadwinner become disabled or chronically unwell and not be able to work. Anything can happen in life. I know me and selling myself in a job interview is hard. I am good at what I do but cannot sell myself. If I experienced any thing like some of my friends and family experienced then I would want the security of knowing I had a job I could increase my hours back to full time if I needed to. The security gives me peace of mind and I’m less stressed as a parent.