Why we don't have to forgive toxic people.

All of those people being bullied in this sub to forgive abusers this is for you!

"Toxic people use forgiveness as a tool to continue to extract from their victims. This is why the victim is bullied and harassed into forgiving when they are not ready to do so. Toxic people will use friends, relatives, bosses and coworkers to gang stalk you, make you feel like you are wrong, and how your failure to forgive is your offense against them all. What is most important in such situations is to protect yourself from anyone who jumps on their forgiveness bandwagon, allow yourself the time and space to rationally filter through what feels wrong to you, and separate yourself from people who do not have your best interest in mind. They are operating from their own interest,and your forgiveness is what they need to absolve themselves from any wrongdoing. Have you ever observed how easily abusers free themselves from guilt or shame by placing those harmful feelings on the victim?"

https://thegoddessprinciples.net/2024/05/09/when-forgiveness-is-toxic-and-how-not-to-forgive/#:~:text=Toxic%20people%20use%20forgiveness%20as,not%20ready%20to%20do%20so.

Edit: Better Title

in EstrangedAdultKidsby CraZKchick

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16d

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Sukayro

15d

Please don't take this as an attack. I've heard this phrasing before, and it always strikes me as odd. It makes it sound like I have some ownership of my abuse. I don't, so what would I have to forgive?

Maybe it's the word itself. As others have said, the meaning I associate with forgive is absolve. I will never absolve nmom.

I'm picking up the pieces of my life. I don't give a fuck about nmom. I apologize if I've offended you, but I really am puzzled when people say this. Am I misunderstanding something?

Scary_Ad_2862

15d

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is letting go of all the anger, bitterness and rage you have towards someone about what they did. It’s okay to be angry about what happened to you but you also need to move through the anger and come out the other side. It’s acknowledging that what they did was wrong and hurtful and should never have happened. Forgiveness does not mean that you are saying what the other person did was okay. It is accepting that the other person is who they are, and what they did was not right and should never have happened. And then letting the grief and pain and hurt and anger go and turning around and living your best life.

Reconciliation can only come about when the person who has hurt another person, genuinely repents and changes their behaviour. It cannot happen without that.

People seem to think if you forgive, you are reconciled. To use the bible as an example, Jesus forgave but he was not reconciled with everyone. He forgave the ones who killed him, but he was never reconciled with them. And given the chance they probably would have killed him again. The only ones he was reconciled with were those who genuinely wanted to change who they were. He held people accountable and called them out for their behaviour. The ones he reconciled with were the ones who genuinely changed their behaviour and made restitution for their behaviour.

And finally every person I know who held onto their anger, their bitterness, who could not let it go, ended up becoming like their abusers. The ones who could genuinely let go and forgive (not reconciled) did tend to not become abusive and live better lives.

Sukayro

15d

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense.

I still don't like the word forgive, but I understand the need to let go of the bad emotions FOR MYSELF. I mostly have. She'll never change and I don't have a time machine, so all that's left is to move forward with my life and do my best to heal. My main feeling for her (both of them really) is apathy.

Scary_Ad_2862

15d

I get it as a lot of people have misused the word and use it for their own manipulative purposes. I know some call it radical acceptance. For me it’s also learning to let go and choose who I want to be as a person.