Terrified of leaving toddler alone with other adults

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I haven’t been but my spouse was by a family member and the scary thing is, it is very generational in my spouses family. This has deeply impacted my spouse and me and we probably spent the first 8 years of our marriage working through all of my spouses childhood issues from what he went through. It is also something I have done a lot of research into because we wanted to stop the generational cycle.

These are the things that I have learnt and implemented over the years with our son. Be the safe person. Be the person your child can come to about anything and know you are the calm, not get upset person to talk to. This is something you do in the everyday little stuff as well as the big stuff.

Learn to read their body language. My child is not a natural talker and very independent and likes to handle his own problems. He doesn’t dob and we’ve had to talk about its okay to talk about things going on and you don’t have to handle everything on your own, with him lots of times. It’s a work in progress but I have learnt to read what his body is telling me and will say something when I can see his body is tighter and he looks like he’s carrying a problem. I do this because most children don’t tell their parents they are being abused. My child needs to know I will have their back and am safe to talk to about anything.

Have their back and teach them how to set boundaries in a clear direct way and when they do support them with it. Tickling is a good way to do this (surprisingly enough). I hate and loathe being tickled but my child loves it on their terms. I made it clear to them that I did not like it because my dad used to tickle me and never stopped when I asked so my child had to tell me when he wanted me to stop and I only tickled them when they asked. They tested me and we spent an evening with me tickling them and then saying stop every couple of minutes. They loved the fact that their no was strong enough to get me to stop and that they were in control. I gave my child the safe space to practice saying no with how they wanted or did not want to be touched. My child also has full control over all touch be it hugs or kisses or high fives. I ask them if they want a hug etc and they get to choose. Individual children get to choose so what one child likes another one may not and asking them, allows them to choose for themselves and their preferences will change depending on their mood and needs at the time.

Always remember, little things matter. My child is an observational learner, so they watch me with how I listen, how I speak, how I set my own boundaries. Show your child that their needs with these things are more important than making someone else happy or keeping the peace.

As your child gets older, teach them to trust their judgement. You will not always able to be there in every situation, so your child needs to know how to assess a situation and people. Do they feel safe in their body? Do they have good or bad butterflies? Teach them to listen to what their body is telling them. We are told to be polite, don’t be rude etc but we aren’t taught how to act and what to do in situations where we don’t feel safe. Physical activities such as rock climbing or climbing trees or anything that means they need to think, problem solve and use their judgement are great things for them to practice and build these skills. My child loved climbing as a toddler and before he started school so I would let them and get them to think about the situation and to safely climb up and down. They would ask if it was okay and my response was to check in with their body- do they feel safe? Is their body saying it’s okay to do this? When I did this it built their confidence and they were more attuned to what their body was saying about situations and people.

When it comes to the internet, have the safety settings on and have the conversations with your child about online concerns. We’ve talked with our child about online bullying, the hook of spending money online and porn. We are actively supervising as in I game with my child and play Roblox, Minecraft and a host of other games. For the most part my child’s experiences have been positive but we are mindful of the risks and what is out there and keep the conversations going with them.

And finally, most people won’t do the right thing about this. They will talk the talk but they’ll turn a blind eye rather than have the hard conversations or change behaviour that is borderline and can groom a child to accept abuse. I have had to cut people like this out of my life because they don’t get it or understand and never will. That has been hard but there is no relationship that means more to me than my child’s sexual safety. And not everyone will get that.

I think many of us have these fears in some form or another (to varying degrees). I had an inside view of the consequences of paranoid/anxious parenting which re-formed how I go about patenting and made me more moderate (whilst still taking necessary precautions).

My aunt was paranoid about everything when it came to my cousin - child abuse, kidnapping, accidental harm, disease...you name it. My cousin is now riddled with anxiety...sure, she was never kidnapped or assaulted but she deals with major social anxiety (and every other type of anxiety) and has been taking Xanax since adolescence. She was given no autonomy, she was never given the space to make mistakes and learn from them...she can't drive or answer the door and is suspicious and uncomfortable around most people.

Your child is still very young but as she grows up, the best protection is educating her on how to keep herself safe because you're not going to be around 24/7. That means making sure she knows what is and isn't appropriate behaviour, how to respond if she feels uncomfortable in a situation, how to contact a safe person etc.

Negative developmental implications on him.

Like being denied the opportunity to form relationships with other people (including his own dad), test boundaries, learn independence, develop appropriate social skills, be exposed to other situations not directly controlled by their parent... and so on.

One word: therapy.

My dad was abused when he was little. He was very protective of me. Despite this I experienced things I shouldn't have bc well you can't control everything right?

The mother of my child experienced trauma herself and seemed to be vigilant and on guard. We had a falling out and for the first 5 or so years she kept our daughter and kept her from me ... I thought she was safe with her mom...

Well... it turns out that the environment she had my daughter in was not good. I failed my daughter by not being there sooner...the mother of my child made some very bad choices and my child now lives with me.

I would say trust your instincts. There were signs that I let my ex talk me into ignoring and that I didn't want to face. I thought there was no way she would have my daughter in danger. I was wrong.

So my daughter came to live with me in Sept of 2020.

I had her in public school but there were behavioral issues and then the school had investigations of it's own regarding sexual abuse involving the HS students.

Even though my child was only in 1st grade things felt off to me. The teachers were really over stepping their boundaries and having meetings with my daughter without notifying me and incidents of bullying were happening that I would learn from my daughter but they refused to acknowledge. They were highly encouraging medication and all kinds of stuff that I can understand but choose not to have my daughter a part of.

So in 2021 I began homeschooling. I filed all the proper paperwork and haven't looked back. Best decision I've ever made.

I had the same gut feeling that something was off in that school and that they were not being forthright with me. I will not ignore that feeling as it's been accurate. Especially when it comes to my daughter.

When our children are little and don't have a voice is when they need us the most. I wasn't there for my daughter and i will not be making that mistake again.

I would say if you have the opportunity to keep your child safe then take it. Once they have the ability to articulate and communicate clearly then maybe let the leash out some.

You know I just never thought it would be her mother that put her in danger, despite our differences I thought I could at least trust her with our child.

You can't be too careful these days.

This is a very real concern. You are wise to want to guard your son, the world is getting increasingly more horrid. Especially with children. That being said, it might help alleviate some stress to share this deep concern with someone that you trust, like a sounding board. Often when we share our worries, we have been in a tunneled anxious state of mind which doesn’t allow for us to examine all solutions available to us. When you share with someone else, you’re given the gift of an objective perspective and possibly new solutions you would have never otherwise thought of. The first commenter mentioned therapy, and that may be helpful, but if there is anyone you are already close enough to to discuss such a topic, that might provide some relief a little sooner than therapy can. Still I recommend it, but sometimes just getting things out and hearing yourself say your worries out loud, helps you see if they are slightly extreme, or if they make sense. My son is 10, he lives with my mother, so I completely understand your point of view. I worry if she lets him go play outside alone, or how she treats him when she is upset, if she watches him like a hawk in public, so on and so forth. It’s smart to be aware, no matter how painful it is to learn about such things, I get it. But he is safe now, because of you. You are his guardian right now, so stay vigilant, but don’t stress so much as if something bad has already happened. I hope some of that helps, I’m sorry this is such a concern, it is for me too. Hugs. You’re a good mom, and he will be safe because of that. But don’t torture yourself over something that hasn’t happened. That only robs you of being able to stay present like he needs you to right now. Breathe, it is okay.

the unfortunate truth is yes it’s extreme but also yes the data will scare the shit out of you.

but just also think you can’t let statistics alone cause you to stifle your son and his dad’s relationship because it’s very important for his development.

and i’m glad to hear you say you don’t have legit concerns his dad will abuse him, because honestly the statistics for men SAing their own biology children should not be confused with the stats for boyfriends/stepdads/uncles/etc, and also shows that the anxiety isn’t so severe it’s clouded your perception of reality.

but all that being said, we all just try our best not to be a source of trauma to our kids, but think about the parents on this board… the vast majority of us, even realizing our parents did things wrong, recognize that like us, they’re human and imperfect, sometimes were ill-informed and/or repeating generational cycles because that’s all they knew, yet we don’t question their love for us and love them for all the things they did for us and despite other things. you will make mistakes and so will his dad, and some won’t even be clear until well down the road when hindsight is 20/20.

i know you’ve said you’re already in therapy, but CBT was very helpful for me in examining some of my ‘irrational thoughts’ that were anxiety-induced and give me the tools to try to handle situations in front of me without projecting situations from the past into them. highly recommend if you’re not already doing CBT with your therapist.

The fact that this really bothers u so much u said home school . Sounds like an issue .

Use kid’s smart watch, it’s game changer, you will be able to listen to your child’s surroundings whenever you want. I also let my son go for a walk with my husband with heavy heart, not because he can do any harm on purpose, it’s that boys prefer more dangerous activities…