I’ve always been this way, and it sucks. I wouldn’t watch anything in the living room, even when I was 7, I felt embarrassed or ashamed somehow, I only watched things on a DVD player in my room, very low volume. This feeling got worse as I got older.

I only read books in my room, if anyone saw which book I was reading, I wouldn’t touch it anymore and would return it to the library the next chance I got.

I had a drum set as a teenager. This was my favourite thing, it still is one of my favourites. I was only able to play maybe once a month, when I was home alone. This sounds absurd, but when I would try to play them while anyone was home, I would sweat profusely and start panicking for some reason. That feeling lasted for days.

Even now, I can’t play the drums, the thought of faceless flatmates who I have never met, hearing my drumset, it makes me shiver. I still daydream of playing them.

I struggle to return/receive books from the library, it’s horrifying when the librarian sees what books I am interested in. Whenever I play music, or video games, it’s at the lowest volume tolerable. If I’m on a phone call, the windows have to be shut so nobody can hear me.

I will never play an instrument again. I will never listen to music unless I am wearing headphones. I’ve been told that it’s normal to talk to yourself, yet I never have. Even though I live by myself, not a peep comes out of my mouth. I will never peacefully enjoy reading books unless I am entirely out of others sight. How do you sit on a park bench and read a book?

I try and overcome this, but it brings me so much mental pain that it is unbearable. It brings me panic attacks that last for days.

I’m not insecure, nor do I have low self esteem. I don’t have any issue conversing with people, no anxiety or social anxiety. I really don’t understand why I am this way, or what has made me this way.