My 4 year old’s best friend is mean to him

Child 4-9 Years

Hello any advice will be appreciated.

I have a 4 year old boy who will be turning 5 in June and his ‘best friend’ at school is really mean and bossy to him. His friend is 10 months older than my son and he tells my son what to do and reminds him everyday that he is number one at school, according to my son. Our families are pretty close, and I’ve seen them quarreling couple times but didn’t think much of it until recently when I saw their interaction up close. My son and he were playing in the playground and when my son was about to go down the slide his friend stopped him saying he needed to go down first. When my son was on this alligator ride his friend told him to move to the back because he always gets the front seat. And my son actually moved back and this kinda killed me.. 😢 It sounds pretty petty but my son almost seems defeated and he tells me his friend makes him feel bad very often. These last few days he came home crying. But school doesn’t think much of it because they’re “buddies”. My son’s showing some peculiar behaviors too, like he would try to put me(his mom) down like “I’m better than you” or “i can do xx but you can’t”

My son is having a birthday party in June and I’m afraid that his friend will make him cry again on his special day. If i call up his mom and ask her to remind her son to be nice to my boy, I know it will make her uncomfortable and feel like they’re unwelcomed at the birthday party. She never reprimands him so will definitely get offended if I ask her of this. I don’t know what to do? I keep telling my son to walk away when he makes him feel bad but he sticks around because he loves his friend. What can I do so that my son will have a happy birthday?

in Parentingby Troy_mama

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16d

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DIY_Engineer235

16d

Talk to the other mom. Be resolute and let her know that his behavior is not welcome and that if his behavior continues, he and she will no longer be welcome in your house.

It sounds like you want to make your son the priority, and you should.

Further, contact the school and ask them to monitor the behavior between the two boys because you have concerns that the other boy is taking advantage of your son's good nature and imparting unhealthy behaviors.

You should also contact any other parents who interact with the two and see what they say.

Troy_mama

16d

I actually brought it up to school at one point and his teacher said there were no problems, just boys being boys. +she also told me that “if moms make a big deal, kids will make a big deal” which kind of embarrassed me. We’re going to a diff school next semester.

Scary_Ad_2862

16d

My son had a best friend at Kindergarten who was pretty mean to him and liked to be the boss of her everything. My son is pretty easy going and gravitated to this friend because she mothered him and when they first met, he needed or wanted that kind of a relationship. As they got older and my son was more confident, he wanted an equal say and that’s when his friend would say whatever she could to make my son do what she wanted. It wasn’t a good dynamic. My son grew and changed and she struggled to grow and change with him - she preferred the old dynamic.

Some things we found that worked for us was I actively supervised the play dates and would step in when his friend was demanding her own way. For the slide I would step in and say ‘no, you need to take it in turns or your son was at the top first and he needs to wait.’ Actively speak up for your son. Actively remind him in front of his friend and his parents that it is okay for him to say, ‘no, we need take it in turns.’ I think your son will be relieved to have you have his back.

When you’re at home and playing, talk about taking it in turns and negotiating. For example when you are playing Lego together ask him if you should choose the game or what you build or do you think we should take it in turns of who gets to choose. Do you think one of us gets to choose first this time and the other first next time? Get him thinking about it. Talk to him about what makes a kind friend, what he likes about different kids etc.

I would talk to the teacher again and couch it in terms that you would like your child to have lots of friends and not just one. Use the excuse of lots of friends makes it easier for your son and his friend when the other is off sick or away and they will need to get used to separating as your son is going to a new school next semester.

The other thing is to reduce play dates with your son’s friend outside of school as much as politely is possible. Organise play dates with other children especially any child going to your son’s new school. If your son’s friend’s parents ask why they aren’t playing as much explain you are trying to also build his friendships or connections with children attending your son’s next school to make the transition easier.

About the birthday party, step in and be active in the interactions especially if his friend is being bossy or mean. Everyone gets a chance to be first and everyone needs to take it in turns. Talk to your son about needing to play with all children at the party or interacting with all as he is the host and a lot of the kids will want to talk to him or play with him because it’s his birthday. And that’s okay. Having a party is different to one on one play dates. I hope this helps.

Troy_mama

16d

You know seeing these comments reminded me that it’s ok to intervene but gently of course. I felt awkward saying sthing to other kids bc some of the parents around me never discipline their children and I was always the only one doing so to my own kid. Thank you for your comment

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16d

Troy_mama

16d

Thank you so much for this. If i could pull this off it would be so so ideal but knowing her I really do worry will rub her the wrong way bc she’s been quite sensitive with us lately (for something else). However I think i will def do no.5 at the party.