OP, I see you.

I feel helpless quite often too, despite all the work and knowing that I do make progress regularly.

I think we will always want a loving family, to have our tribe, our village. Always.

In my own experience, it's usually sitting with/listening to my Inner Child, who's still quite scared, confused, and will probably always be for the rest of my natural life (it's alright, I've decided to love her and do my best for her, so that we - all parts of me - can live a meaningful, satisfying, and peaceful life).

Is it possible to just sit with all of the "negative things"/challenges in your life right now?

It's OK to not achieving and living a different life to anyone else. I'm actively doing that because I want to live for me, first and foremost, and no longer for anyone else.

I've yet to read it, I might as I've opened the doc already, but I just want to say that you not immediately Fawning (a trauma response) and trying to fix your relationship with your best friend is a sign of emotional maturity, I'd say!

Well done! I'm proud of you!

I agree!

According to Joseph Griffith's biological theory of human condition, we're probably supposed to live like a community of Bonobos, so yes on "community"/"village" instead of just family.

I especially agree with this when I'm with my people, my chosen family if you will. We could be apart for five years, but the moment we met, we can talk for hours, about anything, and still have the same value.

Sometimes I feel that way, too!

I especially feel it when I recognise that my Inner Child is bawling and it's quite rough. I have to take care of her, even though I am also her, oof...

But self-work has made me adult, even several adults at times, so I'm thankful for having that going.

Yes, this seems to be a theme for various APs I know, including my own.

My own male parent, who physically abused me when I was a child I generally hate being touched as an adult (at large, I'm healing now), can and have airily make physically abuse joke.

I love that for him. 💀

You're definitely not alone.

I was literally one of these people.

Until, of course, tragedy and challenges come and various adults around me finally agree with me that, on god, my parents are so shoddy, they're barely an adult, let alone a parent.

In all social cases, OP, you can only meet people as much as they've met themselves.

So if they've yet to get in touch with their emotionally neglected side, they won't get you.

But that work can only be done by them and them alone.

Oh, don't worry too much about "failing".

Sometimes I just sit with my Freeze Response, going, "Man, I will spend another day just playing game, watching YouTube, go to Reddit, etc."

The progress is SLOW but it's there.

I think it's so much more important that you're secure, feeling safe and OK as you are - basically being comfortable with the now, even though the now hurts!

Lately I do a "OK, I'll shower at 8:45 PM", but even if 8:45 PM arrived and I still don't want to, I just sit with it. I stay in the presence, notice my resistance, and go, "Hm... maybe another 10 minutes is OK!"

It doesn't always work, but it's OK!

We're all just learning.

I have a childhood photo of me, around the time I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. I used to cry looking at her, but she's so small. She's just six years old.

When you fail, think about your child version. I won't get mad if the six years old me fail to brush teeth. Like, yeah, it's not good, but there's tomorrow. We'll try again next time. It's OK. Even if it goes really bad, I'll still take care of me!

I'll try to make it simple, but feel free to ask me to elaborate further!

1. Meditate. Learn to sit and be with yourself. Start with 10 seconds meditation if needed. Guided meditation was my starting point in 2018.
2. Journal. Write things down. Physical, digital, audio... do whatever works for you to let your thoughts out.
3. Find your Guides. I usually do this mostly through books, but there are many great licensed mental health professionals on YouTube, too. Try starting with "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller. I read books constantly. Currently reading "The Courage to be Disliked", an Adlerian psychological approach to heal. Interesting read thus far!

Wow... it looks like you're an adult, a whole human being, with your own life, business, and wants... what a shocking thing for your parents to have to live with. 🙄

They are being ridiculous, OP. You don't need this on your life.

It can be both, OP.

I grew up too fast in some areas (taxes, cooking as elementary school child) and I haven't grown up in some other areas (emotional tantrum, because, let's face it, most adults aren't emotionally mature yet).

And yes I've figured this out: do the work.

Learn about yourself, learn about your past, understand your pattern, and keep showing up to do the work, day by day, moment by moment.

Then you keep going with dignity.

Unfortunately, you probably can't.

You can explain it to her, you can try to make her understand, but whether she would understand...

That's 100% on her.

I don't think we can really make other people understand, not really.

If I were you, I'd probably do a rain check and just maintain a Very Low Contact with her for now, for she doesn't sound too reasonable on my end. Or try a dose of fortnight or a month of No Contact.

Yeah, I'd go completely No Contact and advise my brother do the same if I were you.

These people are NOT going to grow up, at least in foreseeable future, and you do have your own life to live. You owe it to yourself to live for you and not for other people, not even your mother, who, honestly, made the decision as an adult to have you.

That's 100% on her.

Now you can just go live a healthy independent life since you don't have to be dependent on her anymore for food, shelter, and other things we had to as a child.

You are very welcome!

i'm Asian, so it has always been extra challenging for me to say things as it is; to say, that, indeed, some people are just that toxic, that they're harmful to others and it's honestly a relief that they passed.

All the best with the gathering and obituary. I'm with you in spirit.

I suppose one can think of our biological instinct to have a relationship with our parents as some sort of addiction; it is NOT healthy yet we're addicted to it.

We're addicted to think that if only they finally see, love, and know us, then life would be well.

Such is not - usually isn't - the case.

Your mother does sound extremely self-preoccupied and emotionally immature.

Sadly, my own female parent is not too different with her, "Well what else am I supposed to do?" "Oh, now I'm the bad person, aren't I?" "I'm just an awful mother!" and all the cop out, no-accountability things they said.

It's ridiculous that as an adult they don't snap to the behaviour of "OK, this is happening, what do I do responsibly? How do I hold myself accountable?"

I do believe that you are Parentified. I feel it too, just with also a male parent and four younger siblings (a whole can of worm altogether).

I'm so sorry you experience this, OP. It really is tough.

I feel like the stars are really aligned to this since last night I was playing a game's story about control and happiness.

A character (who might be the villain? I've yet to finish the storyline) argued that harmony is impossible and only by order we can find happiness.

I was practically yelling at him for such an immature, cop out approach and wrote a long rant on my journal this morning.

You are right. Always choosing to look at the bright side - while being healthy and rooted to reality - is a superpower.

That story only strengthens my stand on, no, I will not turn bitter, desperate, or dejected just because bricks of life are thrown into my face. Life is complex and challenging and I'm not afraid to face it.

To quote Lindsay C. Gibson in "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", our 'relationship' with our parents will continue to be one of the most if not the most disappointing relationship we can have.

So I understand why you feel the pull to "go back to them". I see this scenario played a million times before, both on myself and others.

The only way forward is deprogramming and keep putting in the work so we don't scamper to their ways again.

I know it's challenging, but these people are NOT healthy for us.

Is it possible to not live with them? Can you just start living independently? I feel you, though, the housing market is rough.

I'm still in contact. It is what it is.

It is tough, especially when I got the wind of my male sibling, who - in my opinion - is deep on leaning into our clearly unhealthy and self-preoccupied female parent because he has no one else for emotional connection, sent our female parent a bouquet.

I believe that the healthiest thing we can do is to sit with the feelings, really. Write it down, feel your feelings, stay with it, ask why it's there - from what it's trying to protect us from.

I'm sorry you struggle.

I know this too well because my relationship with my parents are also littered with them crossing my boundaries and I had to enact the consequences to them again and again.

We're in no control of how others behave and all, we're in no control of so many external things.

But we can always be on our side, choose to do the necessary, healthy work of being our own best friend and do the work.

I really feel this.

I literally looked up stories of "not regretting parents/family members die" in 2020/2021 because I was so pissed at family pushing me to have a relationship with a family member who literally did crimes and not serving anything.

There's even a sub for this, LOL, r/InLieuOfFlowers, because some people don't even deserve that.

I wrote what I wrote. 🤷‍♀️

You are welcome. Be cautious, still, it's healthy to go to anything with a handful of healthy skepticism.

My psychologist is a pretty rare person (though my counsellor before her was pretty fantastic as well, he was incredibly helpful, though we never got deep enough to my religious trauma).

I have to really, really stress this: many people had not done enough internal work to be able to not take it personally when someone come for values they hold on to.

For example, my psychologist could get offended when I dropped it to her that I do have religious trauma and that I have my moments of "Screw God, screw religions", which is very understandable from trauma perspective.

But she didn't.

She actually could say, "Yeah, I get it, I had my own moments of being angry at God. I know how you feel. It's valid."

Still, people can always surprise us with how understanding, kind, and helpful they are.

I'm crossing my fingers for you!

I think it's your therapist's job to help you through any of your trauma.

If she felt offended, that's her business, because she's literally there to help you heal, not too different from general doctors.

Still, mental health professionals are still human. I understand your concern.

My main point is that actually decent therapists would not think of you as a horrible person because you have religious trauma.

My own psychologist is hella religious, but she agrees that there's no point in me being religious just because and that the only genuine, healthy way to go is me finding my spirituality in my own way.

Now that's one healthy mental health professional.

You're very welcome.

You got this.

I believe in you.