I just hope I'm not alone with it, because it really triggers the shit out of me. Not only do these people trivialise their own trauma (and that of their children, because of course they pass on their own unprocessed trauma), but most of the time these are the very people who then say about the things I experienced that my parents certainly didn't know any better or did their best. I hate it so much when people make me feel like I'm just too sensitive. I work so hard to process my childhood and be a functioning human being and then some jerk comes along and tells me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. And the worst thing is, I just can't keep my mouth shut. I feel provoked by it and then try to discuss it. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut. Do others feel the same way? Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get that out. Please tell me I'm not alone.
Have you ever met people who defended their parents although they were obviously neglectful?
This is such a simple but powerful and accurate sentence.
So true and so heartbreaking
When children are mistreated by their parents, they almost always first turn their anger inward instead of at their parents. A child feels safer thinking “maybe I’m the problem” than they do recognizing that their parents are not safe.
It takes some people decades and decades to even realize they are abusing themselves to avoid acknowledging their parents mistreated them. I have compassion for these people — there but for the grace of God go I, as they say.
But it is super triggering and you have no obligation to keep people around you that make you feel unsafe. You can have compassion for them (or not, it’s not a requirement) but still protect yourself from people who haven’t healed yet.
I agree 100%. I do have compassion for these people whenever I'm not caught in an emotional flashback. I was just like them a couple of decades ago. I just wish there were more people who would actively work on processing their trauma.
Cutting through denial and brainwashing is hard. I went no contact for the first time when I was in college, even though we didn't have that language back then. It took me until 39 for the denial to crack enough for me to wake up to being abused and neglected, even though I'd been off and no contact for almost two decades at that point. Brainwashing, indoctrination, conditioning, gaslighting, and grooming are unfortunately effective abuse tactics.
And once I came out of denial, I realized just how many people are still stuck in it. It's a lot. Whole systems of people are still in denial. It's bleak.
The more of us that wake up and heal, the better. Healing is revolution.
Couldn't agree more with your final two sentences. And as triggering as it is being around people who are in denial, it is so so refreshing speaking to people who have broken through the denial and are firmly grounded in the truth. It's like water and fresh air.
it is so so refreshing speaking to people who have broken through the denial and are firmly grounded in the truth. It's like water and fresh air.
Strong agree.🌱💗🍃
I think this every day.
I find these people are either feigning empathy or havent processed their own trauma. They havent integrated it yet, they're still in the childhood mindset of parents as heroes.
Yeah, my partner has done this. He hasn't denied my experience, but he's definitely denied his own. I think he's had trouble coming to terms with the fact that parents can love you and do their best, but still end up neglecting you.
One of my siblings reflected back on our upbringing in a positive way and said something about our mother being a good mom. That's just objectively false.
I try to give some of those people the benefit of the doubt, but some of them are just jerks. All of them can trigger emotional flashbacks when I run across the comments and attitudes. You aren’t alone, friend, it is hard. For my own mental health I’m trying to disengage, but I’m not always successful.
My mother. Her family had a dynamic between a physically and emotionally abusive father and an enabler mother. Major physical violence was inflicted on all family members. To this day, after her parents have passed, she still defends them, even when they made her life miserable. In fact, she feels guilty for being a bad daughter and refuses to acknowledge that the harm they caused by far outweighs whatever good they offered.
It really is a form of a Stockholm Syndrome.
I get wanting to help save someone from further abuse. But you cannot push people to heal that are not ready to heal. You can inadvertently cause a lot of harm. A victims denial and dismissal of their own abuse are defense mechanisms are what many of us need to just survive our current experience.
Real healing can only happen when the victim is safely away from their abusers. And abusers will use any means of abuse to keep their victims trapped. For a lot of us, standing up for ourselves can get the shit beat out of us. And outsiders have no way of knowing how the victim will be punished for defiance.
Admitting to our selves that our own families are purposely hurt us is one of the most painful things we can do. When I had to admit to myself that my mommy and daddy like to hurt me, it broke my heart and shattered my mind. I ended up hospitalized.
People in denial should to be met where they are with compassion. Validate the pain they openly share and let come to their own healing as they are ready and able. It would be amazing if we all could stand up together and say in one voice No More. But abusers have rigged our social systems and economics to make that almost impossible. It is exactly why universal healthcare, a living wage, food and housing security are so difficult to achieve in the US. Abusers want to keep abusing.
Not irl, but Crying in H Mart was a very triggering book for me in this regard. Her mom was abusive and neglectful in various ways and this was never acknowledged explicitly with those words.
I feel the same reading historical fiction. Yes they saw it as normal but that's not gonna stop me feeling bad.
Yessss. Stuff from the 1930s up especially. It seems really not all that different than today but people acted so much crueler to their kids as a whole it seems :(
Those whom defend Parents are still in Denial
I recently met someone i was hoping to date. Over the course of the getting to know you part of the thing he let me know a few things. He grew up super poor in a trailer. He didnt go to college. He got a girl pregnant at a very early age and had a daughter (who is delightful and went on to be very successful) . Got a divorce, then went on to live in many very sketchy/undesirable living situations in order to do his art. Many years later he is a successful artist but still doesnt have a steady income. A few conversations later he randomly tells me his parents are gambling addicts and have never stopped gambling his entire life, "but they dont know better, and he doesnt blame them for anything" and it "didnt really affect him." As an adult child of an entire army of addicts who has spent my whole life unraveling why i am the way i am due to childhood trauma, his statements rang so false i immediately saw the biggest red flag light up in front of my eyes.
My sisters.
My boss at work randomly drops at work regularly that she’s terrified of potential parental judgement. She also is the toxic positivity type where she’ll spend more time complaining about complaints than the original complaints ever did . In addition her youngest sister seemingly received the most neglect/abuse and constantly lies and steals from their parents .
I’m always randomly hearing these stories and completely confused how this is a happy family environment.
Identifying with the aggressor because it’s too painful to acknowledge the truth and grieve. Unable to face reality. That’s how I see it.
Oh and people have resistance to feeling like a victim because it was so painful, a type of dissociation. Our society doesn’t accept the idea of a “victim”.
That's it IMO. Nobody wants to feel weak and that's why these people have to tell everybody else to "not make a fuss" so they don't have to confront themselves with their own trauma.
Yes.
My own parents. Especially my mom who criticizes people that 'focus on the past and bring it up'. She tried to make it seem like it's immature but luckily my anger kept me smart.
Same for me. My mother would mock people who were "blaiming their childhood for everything bad in their life". It took my years to get to that stage of anger, but it's there now.
That's even worse tbh.
I was already miserable and angry since I could understand emotions. But I'm sure it lead to me now having life long mental disorders 🧍♀️
Yes, used to be me. My youngest sister still defends my parents’ behavior at times, which I see as a defense mechanism because it’s too painful to confront reality completely, especially while she’s still living at home. She has acknowledged the reality of our family a lot more in the last few years, though, and is willing to discuss it with me when it comes up. I have a few friends and coworkers who seem to defend their neglectful/abusive parents, too. It’s difficult to watch. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I just can’t escape how prevalent and unacknowledged this is in the world.
I think many of us have a certain event or life circumstance that forced us to really confront the reality of our upbringing, while others never have that moment or have it much later in life. It’s very painful to go through that acceptance stage.
My best friend experienced abuse and neglect by her father and grandmother to the point CPS was involved and she still cannot see their behavior as problematic. It happens.
Yeah, when my friend was little, a family member called CPS because of neglect and the living conditions at their house. My friend talks about this like "can you believe she would do that? Of course my parents are estranged from her!" Unfortunately CPS did not help, and my friend's parents just completely stopped having anyone over to their house, worsening my friend's isolation.
Yeah, me :-(
I thought the same thing here. My parents fucked me up with going to extremes and total instability. They could either scream at me and not offering me help with my mental health, in addition to unlash on me for their marriage problems, and, later, they can come running to hug me and make me feel like a princess. Both are true and I can't deny it.
I understand parenthood is not linear nor a stable thing, but, sometimes you see the extremes because you live through that and you feel that. Love and comptent for your parents, that you're grateful and you wish they were nicer in areas you needed the most.
I don't know what are your specifics, but these are mine.
I understand, I was a parentified child, and an only child so every issue in my parents’ marriage and every issue in their own personal lives, became mine to solve. Not sure how they expected a 7 year old to help with their suicidal thoughts, and then how they thought taking me to Toys R Us would make it all better. I relate to the duality of their behavior, its made me question every bit of my reality seeing how someone could act like they hate me or I didn’t exist one moment, and then be talking about how proud they are the next. They are also immigrants, so I felt further indebted to make their sacrifices worthwhile. There are so many other bizarre and sad instances I’d rather not discuss but I’m at a point where I understand that their behavior was a reflection of the immense struggles they grew up with facing abject poverty, while realizing that I still deserved better. I recognize I could easily break contact, but they also have no one in this country to support, and they’ve been receptive (mostly) to change and hearing my grievances. It’s taken a lot of work to set boundaries and even more to uphold them, and our relationship is the best it’s been in years, but I’m also just lucky. Wishing you healing and whatever peace you seek!
Dated someone who (as I later found out) was attracted to bitchy women and being treated like shit. He actually wanted me to sleep with other men (he wasn't interested in sleeping with other women) so he could feel less and unfulfilling for me. Meanwhile he LOVES his mom...his mom who had to work three jobs to raise him and never made him dinner. Who had an abusive alcoholic for a boyfriend. I think cause his dad abandoned him he always thought his mom was an angel. I was like....you're mom wasnt even there for you. You're comparing her to your absent father.
Yes. It’s hard for people to face the fact that their parents failed them and repression is a strong psychological mechanism. I feel empathy for them even though they do frustrate me sometimes
Haha, oh yeah. My own siblings. "Why are you painting this in such a negative light" "Mom did her best".
It was a strange confrontation but I've dropped the ball on fighting them about it since. If they figure out, they figure out, if they don't - well...
Or they just say depression is an excuse to stop caring for your child
So you've met my sister?
They’re in denial and protecting their parents.
You're definitely not alone.
I was literally one of these people.
Until, of course, tragedy and challenges come and various adults around me finally agree with me that, on god, my parents are so shoddy, they're barely an adult, let alone a parent.
In all social cases, OP, you can only meet people as much as they've met themselves.
So if they've yet to get in touch with their emotionally neglected side, they won't get you.
But that work can only be done by them and them alone.
Oh my god, yes. I get incredibly triggered by people defending their neglectful parents and have the hardest time keeping my mouth shut. Realistically I know nothing I say is likely to change their views. But I am still sorely tempted to waste my time and energy arguing with people that in fact, what they are describing IS really awful. I think if I was more healed, it wouldn't bug the shit out of me as much as it does. I have a very very hard time accepting that where other people are at in their healing journey is 100% theirs to own. I hear them saying things that to me, sound like obvious cognitive distortions and I always want to point them out.
Thank you so much for your answer! This is exactly what I feel. I know it's a waste of time, but I just can't keep my mouth shut. What really triggers me is when people pretend that, because their parents were perfect (in their mind), all other parents must be perfect too.
I also felt validated by seeing your post, because this is something I struggle with all the time. When I'm thinking more clearly, I try to use the rage I feel as information to help me heal, like the whole "we are most critical of other people's traits that we hate in ourself" thing.
Do I get so angry because I myself am in denial or deluded about my childhood still, to some degree? I don't think so, but I can't rule it out.
Or do other people saying things that invalidate my trauma really get under my skin, because I don't have a completely solid trust in my own self assessment?
Or in the instance of one person I know, whose defeatist attitude and learned helplessness tend to trigger rage in me... Are there defeatist and helpless parts of myself that I am rejecting?
But to be honest, most of the time I can't draw any real lesson from it and either get into a long, frustrating, and unhelpful discussion, or just silently seethe until I can leave the room/situation.
I try that too and every encounter leaves me ruminating about it. Most of the times it is my own lack of trust in myself, because there are still inner critics that tell me (just like my parents did) that I'm overreacting. I hope at some stage I will be able to just ignore people who invalidate me. I'm sorry you're in the same boat and I wish you all the best!
A lot of people lack the emotional tool kit to be able to know when they have undergone something. So you're telling them can help them to realize it themselves. Even though a lot of people may have trauma the way we get our trauma can be different in many ways. And some don't know how to understand it. And doesn't mean they don't want to heal. Maybe they were not allowed to question their childhood much. Or just something in their mind that processed it all differently. We are all very much different.
If it upsets and triggers you it just means continuing to work more through your things. Work through the anger of seeing other people not recognize their trauma. Why do you feel that way? Do you feel they aren't trying as hard or maybe you want to help them cause some part of you feels it will save yourself if you can get them to see?
I think it is like how sometimes when you have been through a lot you want to make sure no one else is hurting cause you know what that is like, I know I get that way, where I just want to help everyone but I obviously can't. But some magically hopeful part in us thinks we will heal if the world heals or something. And that is being real with ourselves and our inner child when we see those behaviors, just continually reminding yourself these things and trying to stay present and not getting reactive just helps you heal even more which also helps you help others if an opportunity should come up.
Thank you for your comment. In my case the reason I get triggered is my parents way of dealing with this. They were severly traumatized themselves and never worked on it. My father nowadays even defends his own parents who were abusive and still thinks that he's been a great father (of two kids who are NC). I'm working hard on my own triggers and on not passing that trauma on to my child. Maybe this is why it makes me angry to see how some people just don't care about passing their trauma on to the next generation.
Ohh yeah that makes perfect sense why you would be angry. I don't really know why but I think some of us are able to go through work and fix some of our behaviors and others seem to be asleep to it. But yeah, makes sense..
Yes, I have met my own siblings.
My sisters partner remarked, at a family gathering, how dissimilar I am from my brother. She was saying that the same environment that made him hard made me (she paused to find the right word, failed to find the word sensitive and went with) soft.
Fuck turning out like my father. I tried. I tried to take after him, to be like him, to support him - he rejected me absolutely. So fuck him. And fuck everyone who left me to figure it out while they supported him because when there's two people with the mentality of a child who need to be soothed, you take balm to the one who gets income.
I'm so sorry she said that. What a terrible thing to say to someone.
No but I been accused of this. But it’s like if you never get over it (which I firmly believe is a valid thing) then how can someone turn right around and accuse you of not doing enough to “work through it”? Like what do they expect? What would they have you do? (OP I’m not talking to you here, you’re just asking a valid question) but I’ve had others make this point at me in a toxic way, almost bullying me into therapy. It’s cool now but it really taught me why if I did see it I wouldn’t call it out because it seems like the only two choices are be ok some of the time by not thinking of it or “staying present with it” and feeling shitty all the time.
Maybe I expressed that badly in my post. I really mean the people who practically force me to adopt their opinion, namely that their parents did everything right and therefore my parents "only did their best" as well. This is what triggers me. I think everybody can and should find their own way and time of healing. I just don't want people to tell me that my feelings are invalid just because they don't want to work on their trauma. Does that make sense? Maybe we even mean the same thing...
You're not alone in thinking that. A lot of people (especially from older generations) believe that their parents were actually doing the right things and parenting them correctly. There are so many people who say they "turned out fine" when they very obviously did not.
The problem is, there's really nothing we can do to change their minds. They were taught from birth that the trauma they were subjected to as children was not only normal but necessary to produce decent adults. Someone whose beliefs are that deeply ingrained has to want to change, and the vast majority of them don't. In the words of George Bernard Shaw, "Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
You're right and I'm really trying hard to just ignore this kind of behaviour. I might write down the pig analogy somewhere where I can see it everyday!
Stockholm Syndrome. Yikes. It's not you.
Thank you!! Stockholm Syndrome nails it
Yep. Even those who have suffered too dont even know about emotional neglect.
Of coyrdr... Im the problematic one for breaking the cycle
My brother.
Yep. My sister.
I used to defend mine until I realized the extent of the damage I experienced.
I did until I was around 35. My brother caught on way sooner and it did cause some tension between us. I have apologized
Yes i have
I have and it really sucks seeing someone pick people who cause them more harm than good. I get that family is family but if a family is willing to drop you out of their lives over you making your own choices and decisions, I think there needs to be a reassessment over what "family" is because it is so much more than being blood related. How long can we forgive people who constantly make us sad when they're supposed to be the ones we go to talk about our sadness from outside world with? How do we run from people who provide for us? It's hard because in the end we feel like we owe our parents something, even if they are neglectful, we still owe them.
If a parent mistreats a child, the child doesn't stop loving the parent, the child stops loving itself.