How can I convince my mom that short visits are still valuable?

Seeking advice

I just got into a little argument with my emotionally unavailable mother about how I am "refusing to go visit even if it has been 2 years since last time".

I live abroad and I do not have many opportunities to go home, especially now that I am ~~unemployed~~ in between jobs. My mom just asked to go visit and upon telling her that it is not a good time, she got offended and stopped talking to me.

I had to remind her of the time when she specifically told me not to go visit (when I had all the intentions to) because only 2 days is more traumatic of a visit than no visit.

My boyfriend sees his parents once every couple/3 months, depends, because they come visit often but for shorter periods of time. For some reason my mom does not think this way, for one it is never her coming to me but always me and second she only wants me to go for 2+ weeks and maybe when I was younger that was okay but now it is never doable anymore.

When confronted on the whole "do not come for just 2 days" she obviously denied saying anything like that and refuses to take any responsibility for the harm she caused me. Imagine your mom telling you not to come visit, I was heartbroken.

How do I make her understand that I can go visit more often but for shorter periods of time without her getting offended?

in emotionalneglectby Any_Pirate5967

100%

19d

CatCasualty

19d

Unfortunately, you probably can't.

You can explain it to her, you can try to make her understand, but whether she would understand...

That's 100% on her.

I don't think we can really make other people understand, not really.

If I were you, I'd probably do a rain check and just maintain a Very Low Contact with her for now, for she doesn't sound too reasonable on my end. Or try a dose of fortnight or a month of No Contact.

Any_Pirate5967

19d

Thank you for this, I am already very low contact with both my parents for many reasons.

Honestly, talking to her about anything is impossible, she blames everything on being "too sensitive" and she constantly gets offended.

My brother tried to go and salvage the situation but she is too set in her ways, I am the child and I am to go visit when she asks for however long she wants, end of story. It's ridiculous.

CatCasualty

19d

Wow... it looks like you're an adult, a whole human being, with your own life, business, and wants... what a shocking thing for your parents to have to live with. 🙄

They are being ridiculous, OP. You don't need this on your life.

Any_Pirate5967

19d

Thanks :) they could also come visit but I guess it is an inconvenience. It is what it is.

Senior_Mortgage477

19d

I remember once I needed some space after a traumatic event. My pil didn't like this and dh pushed hard for me to explain and justify myself. My pil literally said, 'we could understand... and thats ok but we don't understand...'. It was in the early stages of me growing a backbone and dropping my huge people pleasing habits. I spoke up for my NEEDS for once and told dh, they don't NEED to understand (why I need space), they just need to respect it and do it. You don't have to (repeatedly) explain and justify you decisions. Especially if someone isn't listening. Especially if they don't want to understand. It's exhausting. It implies that you can only do things that are right for you but inconvenient for them if they agree and give the go ahead.

Any_Pirate5967

19d

Thanks for sharing, I agree with you. I'll just let her throw a tantrum with herself and touch bases again when I am ready to visit.

agreeablesort

19d

If I go for a short visit, all they do is complain the whole time about how short the visit is. If I got for a long visit, they complain about me and my faults.

Better to have them complain about the short visit the whole time if you can.

Abominalminority

19d

Honestly if i were u (from ur recent comments and posts), i wld mentally prepare myself to detach emotionally from my parents. Still love them of course, but from a distance and to prioritise ur own well being. U have to put urself first in this kinds of situations and do whats best for u

buttertits4lyfe

19d

Unfortunately you can't convince her, she doesn't want to be convinced or use reason and logic she wants to spend her time stewing angrily in emotions instead.

You can offer the time that works for you and if she refuses to accept that then that's on her. Try to focus more on your own inner work, all the guilt and terrible feelings she's making you feel. Focus on you, try to heal yourself not her. She wants to be upset, we can't reason with people like that. I'm sorry your ma sucks, you deserve better.