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i think i’ve always held this thought and had to suppress it or be gaslit. it’s crazy because in my adult life i’ve almost never felt the urge to seriously say, “oh so i’m the bad person” instead of “how can i rectify this situation?” and i’ve only been an adult for like 5 years. my mom has started this new thing of saying that my brother is my dad, and when i point out that’s an inc*st joke, she just says, “get your mind out of the gutter. your brother helped me raise you.” which is just like not how it should be.
sorry you’re going through this too
Yeah, I'd go completely No Contact and advise my brother do the same if I were you.
These people are NOT going to grow up, at least in foreseeable future, and you do have your own life to live. You owe it to yourself to live for you and not for other people, not even your mother, who, honestly, made the decision as an adult to have you.
That's 100% on her.
Now you can just go live a healthy independent life since you don't have to be dependent on her anymore for food, shelter, and other things we had to as a child.
Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she is a good person. It doesn't mean she loves you or that you owe her any loyalty. I would cut my losses and go no contact and maybe go to therapy and find some good people and get on with your life. These people fuck us up and then hold us as hostages because we're "family". Family doesn't treat each other like that. Find some new family.
been in therapy on and off for about five years for other stuff. currently on again after losing my insurance for a bit. every time i talk about the roots of my trauma it always comes back to my relationship with my mom and her alcoholism, but i can’t bring myself to talk about it (esp. after one bad therapist’s advice that “you only get one mom”). i’m just gonna have to step up and start putting in the work parenting myself rather than the person who was supposed to parent me.
her talking to a 14 year old girl like that who isn’t even her daughter made me realize how badly she probably spoke to me when i was 14. i had to respect her then for fear i would have no place to live. now i do not.
I am SO ANGRY at people, especially therapists, who pull that "you only have one mom" bullshit on us. Yeah, I only get one mom. And she sucked. And what people don't understand is the evil way they turn us against ourselves so we feel we should be the one who absorbs the pain. Fuck that. I only got one mom and she screwed me up and now I'm practicing radical acceptance and looking for help to fix the only one I have control over-me.
It's like they don't want to live in a world where a mom could be so cruel so they ask us to pretend otherwise. It adds insult to injury.
Best of luck to you. I believe you. They fuck us up really bad and our life task is to untangle it and learn to love ourselves. Not to somehow try to make it work with a person who has consistently and selfishly chosen alcohol over their own children.
hell yeah for radical self-acceptance! i only got one mom but she only got one me regardless of how many children she has.
best of luck to you too. it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work in untangling.
Do you think this wedding will really go through if she's shaming the guys kids in front of him?
as the date gets closer my doubts get higher and higher…
Your mother does sound extremely self-preoccupied and emotionally immature.
Sadly, my own female parent is not too different with her, "Well what else am I supposed to do?" "Oh, now I'm the bad person, aren't I?" "I'm just an awful mother!" and all the cop out, no-accountability things they said.
It's ridiculous that as an adult they don't snap to the behaviour of "OK, this is happening, what do I do responsibly? How do I hold myself accountable?"
I do believe that you are Parentified. I feel it too, just with also a male parent and four younger siblings (a whole can of worm altogether).
I'm so sorry you experience this, OP. It really is tough.