My life is going downwards since 2019. Covid hit me hard and I was on sick leave for 9 months. I went through a messy divorce with a woman I didn't love (arranged marriage). I'm depressed almost all the time. Then got diagnosed bipolar type 2 but I'm not convinced. New medication helped for a while but then I got back to where I were. My depression hinders everything in my life. Everything is hard to do. Getting a better job or meeting new people is difficult. So I find my self standing still where all my peers are advancing through life. Better jobs, buying houses, marrying and having children, going on vacation. And I'm waiting to find a way to be a little bit normal. To wake up happy. To be able to make plans without them collapsing because I'm depressed. I had enough with therapy and think this and think that and the inner child and see the positive side of things. The last time I felt alive was a couple of months ago when I was with my ex with whom I experience real love, but she had a huge amount of issues. She was out of an abusive relationship and had a history of CSA. Heaven turned to hell with her and she started accusing me of really horrible stuff so I escaped. But this experience showed me that all I need is human connection. My psychiatrist keeps asking me to try new medications that give me all sort of side effects. But deep down I feel that all I want is to be adopted by a loving family. To feel love and to be listened to. A break from adult life until I get back on my feet. Now I get panic attacks when I think that everything is either in stand-till or going downwards. And I feel HELPLESS! I'm scared to death because I don't see an out. I'm scared to lose my job because I don't think I'll be able to find another one. I'm scared to get evicted because I can't afford another place with higher rent. I'm in my 40s and still live like a student. It's not supposed to be like this. I worked hard to get my education and to adapt in a new country and to get a job and I was full of hope. Then I collapsed. All alone. No support. I feel like people around me don't understand what I'm going through. Sometimes they seem bothered by all the negativity. The only hope left for me is ketamine therapy but it's expensive. But I feel like I had enough of this tasteless life. I want to feel alive.
Therapy stopped helping. Medications are making things worse. I really wish I could be with a loving family. Is this just a phase?
OP, I see you.
I feel helpless quite often too, despite all the work and knowing that I do make progress regularly.
I think we will always want a loving family, to have our tribe, our village. Always.
In my own experience, it's usually sitting with/listening to my Inner Child, who's still quite scared, confused, and will probably always be for the rest of my natural life (it's alright, I've decided to love her and do my best for her, so that we - all parts of me - can live a meaningful, satisfying, and peaceful life).
Is it possible to just sit with all of the "negative things"/challenges in your life right now?
It's OK to not achieving and living a different life to anyone else. I'm actively doing that because I want to live for me, first and foremost, and no longer for anyone else.
Hi. Thanks a lot for replying. It helps a lot to feel heard.
My inner child is panicking. He was holding to the hope that someday, I'll find a way out. He is panicking because of the idea that nothing is working. That it seems everything is not changing, or even worse, going downhill. That I can't advance in my career. That I have no savings for a rainy day. That my cercle of friends is shrinking. That my chances of meeting someone with whom I can spend my life are minimal in this state I'm in. There isn't any aspect of my life that gives me hope that things will get better. That I broke up with the last person that wanted to be with me, even though being with her made me feel extreme panic and fear. Yet I blame my self for not being strong enough to handle her trauma and toxic behavior. I see no hope and I'm panicking and I have no one to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. No medication is working and therapy is just a temporary relief. I don't know what to tell my inner child. He hates this life and afraid that things will never change. No hope can be seen.
Is it possible to just sit with your feelings, your Inner Child, and your Inner Child's feelings.
There's an academic gentleman who works in self-compassion area in psychology and in an exercise, he gave an example of to just be with ourselves and go, "Oh, so this is how despair feels."
The way I do it is to just feel my feelings and locate where it feels in my body. It's one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing I have to do for myself, but feelings do demand to be felt.
When I do this I go in a spiral of panic because I start thinking about everything wrong in my life. It gets to a point where I start doubting reality.