how to stop caring what your parents think (LGBTQ)

Advice Request

hello friends,

i am 22 and about to graduate college. i am moving back home soon and will probably live at home for 3-4 years at the very minimum. i am really not looking forward to being not allowed to express myself clothing wise, i am AMAB and bi and love being feminine, painting nails, wearing makeup, wearing crop tops etc. I am also questioning whether I may be genderfluid or maybe even trans.

i am chinese american and for us its very important to respect your parents beliefs and remain in very close contact with them. i once told my mom about a girl I had a crush on, and the girl was overweight. my mom said she was really upset that i liked her, I told her I didn’t give a damn who she finds attractive in my partners, who i find attractive is most important. she said she wants me to date a super skinny and sexy girl, and was really offended that i like this girl and that I didn’t care who she found hot, which I find hilarious and also sad. that’s not even getting to the queer stuff though. i even started wearing tighter pants and she said it’s “shen jing bing”, meaning sick in the head. my dad said it’s ridiculous and wrong for men to dress like women, and when i asked why he said “because I said so, and society says so”.

outside of whenever i bring up dating or queer stuff, i have an excellent relationship with my parents and love them. they have supported me through my music career and been very good to me. on queer stuff, i fucking despise their opinions and it honestly gets to me sometimes, i sometimes dress up and then imagine what my dad would say. i have attempted coming out like at least 5 times, and they always forget / ignore it. the words they say in response to this stick in my head for months at a time. i want to respect and love my parents but they don’t respect or love this part of me. i’m hoping others have advice or can relate to this. thank you so much.

in AsianParentStoriesby dm7b5isbi

100%

20d

CatCasualty

20d

Is it possible to not live with them? Can you just start living independently? I feel you, though, the housing market is rough.

dm7b5isbi

20d

i suppose i could, but i have student teaching coming up (which I don’t get paid for) and then i have to find a teaching job (i studied to become a music teacher). i imagine my starting teaching salary will be eaten up by rent, at a time when i need to be saving for grad school. so, it’s not very smart financially unfortunately.

dm7b5isbi

20d

if i may ask, when did u move out of your parents home?

ergo-x

20d

Try to live away from them, if possible. That's the easiest way to "not care." However, the trick to really not caring, even if you are living with them, is to just push past the discomfort and be yourself around them. They'll push your buttons and make you feel uncomfortable, but there is no other way to not care. Just commit to yourself and your own well-being and have the resolve to push away whatever nagging discomfort rears its head trying to drag you back to the image they have of you.

I guess to put it simply, there is no secret technique for this. Faking who you are will only make you miserable. It's time to stand up for yourself. This will show you who your real friends and family are. Anybody who genuinely cares for you will, even if they have questions or concerns, give you your space.

Take it easy for now and don't worry too much. You will be okay!

emma_m_k

19d

I think this is an impossible situation to find a win, I'm so sorry. I'm half of the LGBTQIA acronyms myself so you can guess where I stand on bigotry. And I hate all the "my freedom of speech" and "I'm entitled to have and share my opinion" stuff no matter how hateful and damaging it is.

But its not the same situation if you move back in with them. In the privacy of their own home, they can actually say any horrible thing they believe. You can try as hard as you want to change their views but at the end of the day they simply.. don't have to.

Your parent's hate is not your fault. It's difficult to live alone or share because of the economic situation of the world today, and that isn't your fault. You may have to accept you have no other good choices, and that isn't your fault. They may pull some "while you're under my roof" shit, and that isn't your fault.

As for how to stop caring, that way of framing it suggests it's on you to change yourself. To be more resilient. To be thicker skinned. To be less sensitive. To suppress who you are and suppress your outrage. That's still thinking how you need to change for them.

Everything about this is shit. And none of it is your fault. So if you go into this situation I think a healthy way to do it is to understand there will be conflict, but if you don't manage to win them over, it isn't your fault. If you have to make choices or choose your battles wisely or bite your tongue, this is a survival choice. You have very little chance of "winning", so don't put that expectation on yourself. Get through your education until you can work to afford your own space, if you need to. Survive, then thrive. I hate saying this but reality isn't as kind as we'd like to be.

I'm not saying change the way you behave or dress or express for them btw. Just don't take it as your failure if you can't change their outlook, or if you can't help being hurt by it. None of this is your fault.