Polyamory: openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person

• Posts must be about polyamory.
  
• No personals, no unicorn hunters, no harem builders.
  
• Don't be a jerk.
  

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A: Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is a type of non-monogamy, not all non-monogamy is polyamory. Check out r/nonmonogamy to talk about all forms of ethical non-monogamy.

A: Check out our glossary: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab

A: Here are some resources you may find helpful:
- Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson
- The Most Skipped Step by @PolyamorySchool
- Dear Monogamous people, you Do Not have to give Polyamory a try by u/EllefromHTX

A: Because polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. Unicorn hunters and harem builders are not ethical. What? Why?

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Relationships Menu -- When you want to get off the relationship escalator and build relationships thoughtfully, this is an excellent tool built by u/poly_jane

I Don't Know Anything! -- When you just don't know where to start, here's a truly excellent collection of resources from u/turtlehollow

Book List curated by u/chasingthewiz

Multiamory Podcast -- recommended by many of our regular contributors

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If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, or a relationship you think may be abusive:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships
http://www.thehotline.org
http://www.loveisrespect.org
https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/en/all-resources

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!

It just sucks dating only other partnered poly people while “single”. I (32F) was basically just broken up with by my first poly relationship, 30NB. We were dating for a little over 5 months, but the last 2 months they have become more distant and we were only seeing each other like every 2 weeks. They never communicated any clear desire to de-escalate aside from saying they were busy, They have primary partners who they live with.

I had to literally ask them if they wanted the connection to end and they simply responded yes. I’m neuro divergent and they have probably been trying to send hints for weeks like not responding to texts etc and suddenly being less available for plans. However if someone says they are busy/drained. I just take them at face value and expect they are going to be able to communicate their own wants and needs.

I wouldn’t say I consider myself solo poly but that’s how I essentially have been operating since everyone else I’m dating is heavily partnered and it’s more casual with them. That’s been fine for the most part, but I was completely infatuated with this person so it just hurts. It hurts even more that I had to initiate breaking it off and it felt like they pushed me into that position because it was easier on them.

I’m new to poly dating, so I’m sure I still have a lot to learn. I just feel so alone, at least NB has their partners to turn to, I don’t have that. It feels really unequal.

Without going into long details, I've been trying to date on my own, my other partners also do. I feel like I get a good sense of things from conversations before meeting. I was talking to 4 different people, but none of them ever reproduced the spark of interest from their profiles. Politely as I could, I sent messages to them explaining that is what nothing they did or did not do. That I was simply not feeling anything. And while no one took it poorly, I feel like a selfish asshole. My partners assure me this is not the case, and I did the better thing by not prolonging something to the point of hurting anyone more deeply. It makes me think I'm bad at being poly.

I don't know what I'm looking for with this post. Thanks for taking the time to read it

There's a lot of negativity on here of folks struggling and cheating and hurt so wanted to share something heartwarming and positive.

I (43m) am married to Cherry (43f) for 19 years and have been ENM for 10 years. Sexually open emotionally closed was our standard (we have both had numerous sexual relationships outside our marriage) and then Apple (43f) came in and I caught the feels and fell hard for her.

Apple, Cherry and I talked at length as individually and as a group and decided that it was natural and actively pursued the emotional relationship. Cherry and I returned from a planned vacation and Apple and I were going to have our first overnight (big exciting step)! Day comes and Apple and I go on our way. I call Cherry that evening to say goodnight and she is having a lot of anxiety and feels. Apple immediately says that we have to go to Cherry so we abandon our weekend plan and drive home to Cherry and spend the evening talking about feelings and the relationship. Ended up deepening feelings for both Apple and Cherry and the honest feedback on the relationship and the compassion Apple had to make sure Cherry didn't feel abandoned or hurt was amazing. Was awesome to see new partner support my wife like that. Also helped me learn where I was being too complacent in my own communication methods as well and provided a forum for feedback for all three of us. Ended up being an even better weekend than expected and was genuinely a wholesome experience that brought me closer to both my partners.

Relationships are hard and changing the paradigm of a relationship has been challenging, but clear honest communication is so essential and makes a world of difference.

so my nesting partner and i have been going through some shit with trauma, and hes been pretty avoidant and ive been pulling in because we’ve had the label of a relationship on us for a while now. im autistic, so labels mean a lot to me, and when we were labelled as a relationship, i expected relationship-adjacent intimacy which my NP couldnt give.

today, i told him about queerplatonic relationships (specifically the concept of romantic friendships) and its as if a lightbulb lit up above his head and he went “would you mind if we transitioned the relationship over to this?” which was a huge relief, since ive been contemplating bringing up a qpr to him for at least a month now.

im so happy we are on the same page, and my autistic little brain is so ecstatic about this. i am also probably getting into a qpr with a girl i really like!! so im super happy hehe

If you’re dating someone new to poly, but you yourself are not new, and you know they’re actively working on adjusting out of mono, how receptive are you to them asking you to take more of a lead in helping you adjust? I know someone asking this needs to be clear on what that looks like for them, but if you know they’ve been doing research, self reflection, and reaching out to other community members for their insight - are you more open to that request or turned off?

I know this is subjective and I’m happy to provide more context if needed. I think the biggest hesitation for people wanting “help” in adjusting is that they’ll come off as not equipped for poly.

This may just be my perception, but in recent years there has seemed to be an uptick in poly noobs thinking that poly people necessarily date in a group (that is, that poly people don't generally pursue one-on-one relationships but instead date in, like, modules). Where is that coming from? Bad media representation? The mainstream being more familiar with swinging and assuming poly is just the relationship version? A higher prevalence of social media misinfo?

I’m experiencing some struggles while transition from a monogamous relationship to a moe poly relationship and am looking for advice on what are normal transition struggles with the change and jealous and what are signs that poly isn’t right for you?

I'm seeking advice to help my girlfriend Bree navigate a tricky situation. Bree's husband, James, has a girlfriend, Sarah. Last summer, Bree and Sarah had a falling out, which eventually led to James and Sarah breaking up. Recently, James and Sarah reconnected and started dating again, but Sarah decided she no longer wants to be around Bree and wants to go completely parallel.

Now, whenever James and Sarah plan overnights at James and Bree's home, he asks that Bree spends the night at my house and not to return until Sarah leaves. This became a problem when Bree needed to run home last night during one of their dates to get some things she forgot and to drop off their shared car. She texted James saying that she needed to run home and he got upset, saying she couldn't come home. He insists that Bree can't be anywhere in the vicinity when Sarah is over because the idea of Bree being in the same house, even if they don't see each other, makes Sarah uncomfortable.

Bree wants to accommodate James, but she feels like he is displacing her from her home and prioritizing Sarah's comfort over her own sense of home and security. Bree asked if she was being unreasonable, and I told her she has a right to go home and be in her house. It seems more reasonable for James and Sarah to have overnights in a neutral space if Sarah is so uncomfortable with Bree's presence (though Bree pointed out that getting a hotel room or Airbnb for James and Sarah's date nights is not currently within their budget).

Bree decided to bring this up with James today, but he was very insistent that asking her for space on their dates is reasonable and normal for parallel polyamory. James is very much on the spectrum and can be rigid and unyielding regarding rules and expectations. Bree asked me to help provide resources to back up what she's saying to show James that his expectation isn't reasonable and to offer alternatives to forcing Bree out of her house.

Any advice or help provided here would be appreciated.

Edit - For additional context, I consider James a friend and truly believe him to be an overall good and reasonable guy; he can just sometimes be stubborn and inflexible when he has his mind made up that he's in the right. We're all relatively fresh to poly (less than two years) so I think in this case he's under the mistaken belief that what he's doing here is correct. If anyone has any resources that I can give to Bree to pass along to him to show him that this isn't the way, I think he's capable to course-correction. We're all still learning and growing and this is just one of those growing pains for them.

Throwaway because I know some IRL friends are in this subreddit. Long story, but my head's a mess right now and I don't know what to think.

I (F31) have been happily in a poly relationship for the last three years. My long-distance partner, Nick (M36), has three other partners, two of whom he lives with. I see Nick every 2 - 3 months and stay with him and his two nesting partners for about a week every time. We all get along splendidly. In the meantime, I've been on a few dates with folks who live closer to me, but nothing has really clicked.

Back in October, I attended a weekend social event with Nick and his other partners. It was very fun, and I made lots of new friends. One of the friends I made was Martin (35M) and we had instant chemistry. I certainly noticed him almost immediately, and our first interaction was very much a "meet cute." Wanting to scope things out and see if I had a chance, I asked one of my metas who had known Martin longer, and she let me know that he was married and monogamous, with several kids. I was mildly bummed out, but flipped the switch in my brain from "potential romance" to "potential friend" and moved on with that in mind.

Over the next few months, I wound up occasionally seeing the friends I made at this event, usually in larger group settings. Martin and I wound up slowly becoming friends. On social media, we would send each other the occasional meme and chat casually about our daily lives. At one point he paused the conversation for a, "Hey, you're great, I just want to be clear neither of us is looking for romance, and if you ever feel I've crossed a line, please tell me" conversation, which I really appreciated. His kids are adorable and I also really got along his wife. I wound up dropping my guard a bit. I have a few other platonic guy friends, but always held myself at a bit of a distance from them. In this situation, however, I guess I felt like the fact that he was married with kids was "safer" and I wound up chatting with him regularly and opening up about more vulnerable topics. (To clarify, by "vulnerable", I don't mean in any way inappropriate; mostly childhood stuff, relationship with my parents and siblings, etc. 100% the conversation never became romantic or sexual in nature.)

I admit I still had a bit of that initial attraction to him, and would get a bit more excited to see a message from him pop up than from one of my other friends, but I tend to catch feelings easily, and told myself it would pass given time and familiarity. I was also happy to see that Martin and Nick were becoming good friends and that the two of them enjoyed hanging out when I would go to stay with Nick. I felt like my friend circle was expanding. Everything was comfortable and fun.

I guess I was naive.

For the last couple of weeks, Martin's been ~jokingly~ saying things like, "Aw, you're so cute when you do [x]", "you're my not-girlfriend", "don't make me fall in love with you", etc. I noticed it of course, but I also joke around with a couple of my other platonic friends with way, so I tried not to give it any undue weight, thinking if I was reading anything more than joking into it, it was just because I still had some mild feelings for him.

Last night I was enjoying a watch party with Nick, his nesting partners, and Martin. About an hours into the evening, Nick and NPs got a visit from a neighbor and hopped off for the evening. Martin and I continued watching stuff and chatting. I noticed that he was drinking quite a bit, but didn't really think much of it. His wife also filtered in and out of the room he was in and said hi. I had a brief chat with her, but she was busy with her own tasks and didn't really stay for long.

The topic somehow circles around to a small argument Martin had had with Nick the week prior, and he said something that really caught me off-guard. "I think you're too good for him and you deserve better. I'm probably saying that because I have a crush on you."

I was shocked but got out a reply to the effect of, "I love Nick, I think he's too good for me, and also you're married..." to which he replied, "I know, nothing's ever going to happen with the two of us. I've got it under control."

His wife popped into the room at that point, and he turned to her to explain, "Yeah, I just had the conversation with OP about the crush I have on her" and his wife shrugged, barely acknowledged it, and asked him a question about household stuff before stepping out again. (Honestly, I feel a bit relieved about this; at least he's not hiding shit from her?) I made a quick excuse and ended the video call.

This morning I'm feeling... absolutely awful. I feel like an asshole for pursuing a friendship with a married man whom I had feelings for. And I feel stupid for thinking it *could* just be a platonic friendship. One of the friends I've told pointed out "a married man doesn't just start up a friendship with a poly woman" and I guess that's true and I'm at fault for not seeing it, or I ignored it because of my own little crush made me just want this friendship more than I should have. And I feel a bit betrayed. I really did think we could just be friends. I never, NEVER would have crossed any kind of line with him. I expected to just wait out my own feelings until they faded. Now I feel like that's impossible because there's always going to be this weird barrier here, and it just killed the possibility of future friendship because I'll always have my guard up. And most of all I'm really pissed about what he said about my relationship with Nick; I honestly thought they were friends, and it feels like a double betrayal that he would say something so negative about Nick behind his back.

My head's just a mess right now and I need some clarity from objective parties. I'm pretty sure I need to just block and move on. There's no good outcome to maintaining this relationship, is there? At the same time, we're in the same social circle, and unless I want to remove myself from that friend group completely, I'm 100% certain we're going to run into each other in the future. I don't know what my next step needs to be or how I can get past this. I just want to kick myself for being so naive.

I'm looking for advice on how to manage my feelings maybe?

I've been dating someone new for about 2 months, but it's going quite slowly, which I both enjoy and find challenging, as I would like to be able to enjoy a NRE with them, but I don't think I can?

I have a feeling that this relationship may be unequal, and that is partially because I am without a primary partner, but the person I am seeing is. They have a live-in partner, and a very tight group of friends around this relationship with whom they do everything, all the time, which ultimately leaves little space for me.

I am not really insecure in what I bring to the table, and we've had a chat recently where I asked them "Ok so what do you want?" because I felt a distance, and maybe also that I wasn't as much in their thoughts as much as they were in mine. I voiced a few times prior that I didn't know if I wanted to invest myself with someone who already has such a packed life and schedule, and they kept saying "but I can be there I promise!". And I don't really think I trust this, which I'm boiling down to this difference between the fact that I am looking for someone I can possibly come home to sometimes, or someone I can enjoy the excitment of a new relationship with (hello NRE), and they... don't really need this (question mark "with me"?).

Like they have most of what they want at home, it seems, which makes me feel quite insecure.

I don't feel any jealousy or problems with their partner(s), I think, it's more that I struggle to believe that I will get the same consideration maybe? But that also may be my own insecurities. I don't really enjoy the fact that I seem to be allocating a bunch of brain space that I don't really know they would allocate to me, also because our lives are built differently (they have one tight group of friends they have known forever, I have a constellation of 1 to 1 frienships that sometimes interract, so making space for 1 person doesn't work the same way for them or for me).

My instinct is to sort of close shop and run away, but I don't think that is the way to go, and I like them overall. The time we manage to find for eachother is quite lovely and it seems like it might go well (although again; I don't know how/if I'll get an actual place in their life and that scares me!).

Anyway, have you experienced something similar?
How would you manage?

I'm not sure if I want support or advice.... But I'm managing hurt feelings on a hypothetical situation.

My semi-long-distance partner and I have been together for a couple of years now. At the moment he's my only partner, he's got a small rotation of casual others but considers me his primary who he has the strongest feelings for and connection with.

I don't want to cohabitate with anyone, I have been of this mindset for years, and I established this upfront with him, it's nothing personal, it's just how I function best. That's fine, because he's committed to living with a former partner of his for the long term, she's incredibly dependent on him and he cares for her more like a father than a partner. It works for them and I'm happy with their dynamic.

That said, my feelings are shifting, and although logistically it will never make sense for him and I to live together, I've actually reached a point where I hypothetically would like to be with him, and I do desire to live with him and the idea fills me with joy. I haven't expressed this to him since logistically we can't live together anyways.

In casual conversation this past weekend he mentioned that it's good I don't want to live with him, he wouldn't be able to cohabitate with me because of x, y, z personality aspects of mine.

I feel deeply hurt, rejected, devastated. It feels so personal. I'm suddenly questioning our relationship and if I want to be with someone who feels that way about me and aspects of me.

I don't know how to process this.

Hi everyone,

I'm relatively new here - I've (M45) been curious about polyamory for a long time and I'm now a little over a year into a poly relationship. The lifestyle resonates very strongly with my sense of freedom and my attachment style.

My question is in relation to relationship goals - for me I have an idea of the number of people I would like to be in my life based on what I feel I can realistically contribute to the individuals involved. I asked one of my partners recently if he was comfortable sharing his goals/plans for meeting people and he kind of freaked out. I didn't mean to get into his business but I felt comfortable disclosing my own outlook and was curious to know if he wanted to get involved with more people (one, two or whoever comes along).

So, do you think about this? do you have a position or plan? would you discuss it with a significant other? is it a legitimate and fair question to ask or maybe it should be asked in a certain way that I'm not seeing.

Thanks for your input.

My husband and I opened our marriage 2.5 years ago because we stopped having sex due to his low libido. Our goal was primarily to find other sex partners. I (40 F) am much more active in dating than my spouse (46 M). I want to move more towards a poly approach but he does not.

Currently, I am limited to go out once per week, home by 1030pm, no sleep overs, no weekends. We approach as a “don’t ask, don’t tell” (his choice) so he knows nothing about my other partners. I love him and many aspects of our life together and I have been trying to be ok with how things are, but I’m just not happy with this and I feel trapped. When we discuss it he claims I’m “always pushing his boundaries” and “he’s just not comfortable.” I’m afraid we aren’t going to be able to find a place where we can both be happy.

Has anyone successfully navigated this type of poly challenge?

Hi, I'm 34-cis woman-demisexual w/ high sex drive, and I've identified as Kitchen Table Polyamorous for about a decade in a large city. I have some shorthand rules that have helped me access a wide variety of partners and find more emotionally mature and genuine partners.

I'd love to hear other perspectives and feedback.

1. It is natural to feel feelings,
   even ones I'm embarrassed to feel. it is my responsibility to be non-dickish about expressing them.
   

2. No straight men,
mostly because they tend to center themself and their feelings while turning down possible moments of emotional maturity to perform masculinity. It is what societal perception of straightness requires of them. Not to say there arent straight men trying to reprogram, but most of the ones i've dated who are will still get very defensive if I point out sexist or misogynistic behavior that I'm not cool with.

3. No married couples.
I have yet to find a married couple who value the non-marriage partner as a human being who deserves full honesty in the polycule, especially when the marriage is going through rough patches.

4. Being alone should remain a better alternative
than being in a bad relationship. Use therapy and self-reflection regularly to make sure it remains so.

5. Protect my peace.
Drama and Dishonesty is not conducive to a peaceful and enjoyable life for me

We have been married for two years and four in total at the relationship. I (35M) met her while I was actively dating others. Soon after I met F (33F) and I had a relationship that lasted over a year with her. I haven’t had my other significant relationship with someone else since.

The other day we were talking about our future and she told me she didn’t wanted me to have another partner, that she did not want to be in that situation again. She knows this exact same thing happened to me before, a girl I loved did the same thing and I broke with her and it was really painful for me. I tried to be monogamous for her and it didn’t worked, I felt I was betraying myself while I was trying.

Now I feel I’m at the same spot once again, but this time I’m married, this time we both agreed at the start of the relationship that we were going to be polyamorous. I know she can opt out anytime she wants, is her life and her decision on how to live it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be with someone else in a relationship besides her, I’m not pursuing it, nor looking for someone. I just love having the freedom to follow my heart if someday happens.

I would really love to have some perspective and advice on how to handle this

Thanks in advance

In March, I (29F) approached my husband (32M) of 12 years (3 years married) about being polyamorous. He has low self esteem and the idea hit him hard as he thought it meant I dont love him anymore or he's not good enough for me. We've done a lot of work and going to monthly couples counselling sessions with a poly-positive therapist, so we're in a much better place. But he doesn't seem like he's ever going to come round to the idea of me being poly, and the longer I wait for him the more I feel like I need it.

I know I can't force him into allowing me to be poly, but for my own mental health and happiness I really feel like I need to try it out. I've been tip-toeing around him for fear of hurting him, but I'm kinda hurting myself in doing so my making myself small and quiet.

Has anyone been in this position before? Am I being totally selfish? I don't want to lose my husband, I love him to death and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just also would like to experience that feeling with someone else.

I (26F) have been dating my girlfriend (27F) for about 6 months. She is wonderful! Thoughtful, kind, considerate and beautiful. She’s emotionally aware and very supportive. We both really enjoy each other’s company, have a lot of shared interests, etc. and have talked about our longer term futures. We’ve also both shared some prior insecurities from relationships and I trust her a lot.

She has a husband (32M) who is also great! We are in a sort of non traditional thruple where I’m essentially with him too, but our relationship is more so physical and the emotional aspect is still growing, just slowly. Just for context this is my first poly relationship and theirs too, previously only had flings/hookups.

I would say 90% of the time my mind and anxiety are at bay and we all have a grand ole time together. However, my problem is usually after spending a few days together (let’s say Thurs or Fri to Monday together) I don’t want to leave (I typically spend nights at their house when we’re together!) We may or may not make plans for the future but regardless I just get this general feeling of unease. I love this little life/routine we’re starting to build and I just want to be around her/them. But I truly do want to respect that she needs more alone time in general. Also, time spent apart doesn’t really bother her like it does me. We’ve talked about our future and want to naturally/gradually build to where we’re all together even more/more equally. Sorry I’m new to this and don’t 100% know/remember all the poly terms.

I guess a part of me just doesn’t like that it feels like I might “miss out” on fun (or mundane) things with them :) but I understand that’s just how our dynamic is right now. I’ve been in their lives for 6 months, vs they’ve been together 6 years.

We have talked about this and she’s understanding and wants to be reassuring and validating but I just feel bad/annoying needing more reassurance than her.

Most of my fears/insecurities stem from past relationships not the poly aspect. Such as if I’m not making it “easy” or contributing xyz, then why would she stay? I’m working on all this, just hoping to see what others’ perspectives/strategies are.

To help cope with this so I’m not bothering her every time I’m anxious or when we’re apart I’ve come up with these things, but I would like to hear what you do when you’re apart from your partner, or just generally feeling anxious bc of past fears.

Things I do to help: - journal - exercise - have a snack and drink some water - go back and re-read a sweet message she may have sent recently - try to work on a personal project

I’m also very pro-therapy and in the future would also be interested in starting therapy but have just been too busy lately and it fell to the back burner. I’m starting here bc while she says it doesn’t annoy her if I share any of my anxious thoughts or feelings, I don’t want it to be something I’m not working on. I still want to be the best partner I can to them and I don’t feel it’s her or their job to always assuage my anxious mind.

TL;DR: I have a great relationship with my partners and don’t want to mess it up by having unresolved issues I’m not actively working on. What are some of your coping strategies when you’re feeling anxious in your relationship?

I think my post history is pretty evident of how hard the ending of this relationship has been for me to process. I really hope there are some things people in this sub can say to me that can help me finally put these thoughts away and begin to move on.

My ex and I (both 32f) had a very confusing relationship for me. We worked together, and briefly lived together. I had always struggled with her lack of initiating affection and plans. Our relationship had begun to feel one-sided, at least to me. I had brought this up in a way that seemed reasonable and communicative to both of us 3 times in the beginning few months of 2023. It really felt like she was withholding any initiation and I deeply felt unloved. It felt like she would say all the right things, do them for a couple days, and then just return to ambivalent reaction mode where I had to really drive the connection in our relationship. I was left feeling extremely insecure in the relationship as a result. It felt like nothing I did or said or asked for resulted in any change, but I definitely loved her and was far too invested to end the relationship over that. We had had several other auxillary relationships end because of mistakes we had made. We watched eachother hurt other people and be hurt by other people through failures in communication and poor choices several times. We decided to become functionally monogamous in spring of 2023 to see if we could figure out this disconnect in her withholding from me. Nothing ever changed. I started to become resentful, and irritable. We lived together briefly in the summer-fall of 2023 due to me and her both dealing with unstable housing issues. When still nothing has changed, when I could not get her to even ever initiate touching me or making plans, it drove the resentment even further. I kept trying to talk about it with her constructively, but it always became "I don't know what I'm doing wrong". She told me she thought she was aromantic, and also that her giant dose of SSRIs was keeping her from being affectionate and taking initiative like that. Eventually, after so many tense conversations, after all the moments where resentment overtook me, I had to move out and we had to take a break. We still worked together. We tried to get back together in January of 2024. I felt like trust wasn't being rebuilt, but I wanted to see what would happen.

During our time apart, she started seeing someone else. It made me see that she was either lying to me or misrepresenting herself to me during our whole relationship. That she can indeed initiate these things, just didn't with me. She admitted to me that she had been lying to me about why she was withdrawing from me, just telling me it was because of how irritable I had become towards her... but that made no sense to me, since it had started long long before that had begun. I had asked her what she needed. What she gave me was vague. "I genuinely thrive from sharing emotional intimacy with certain friends. I still want you to be my one romantic relationship." I understood this as we would not be starting relationships with others while we were rebuilding trust within each other. When she tells me she has started "dating" the girl she had started seeing while we were separated, I... kinda lost it. I could not tell which was was up anymore, and I felt like she was doing everything to make sure we couldn't rebuild trust and security in each other. She then dumped me over text, again saying "it feels like I'm always doing something wrong". I was an emotional wreck. I spiraled and said a whole bunch of things that gave finality to the situation, including me thanking her for dumping me. I was accused of so much in the end that I don't think is fair, but I was so confused and insecure at the end of all of it that... I just believed it. I had to quit my job we both shared in order to give myself a shot at moving on from this. I had to sever friendships that reminded me of her. It really felt like all intimacy we shared was faked on her behalf in the end of all of it.

We started dating in October of 2021. We broke up finally in Feb 2024.

I am left not knowing what to think or believe. I just know that this experience traumatized me. She has never contacted me a single time since that day. I feel manipulated, but unsure as to why or what the point was. I feel used and lied to, but have no way to concretely prove that to myself.

I don't know what to think anymore and even though it's been 102 days since no contact started, I am still fraught with trauma, confusion and shame about it. I am in twice weekly therapy now to try and heal. I am now just trying my hardest to put it behind me, even if I really have no idea how to rationalize anything that happened, or what I'm supposed to learn from it.

Any advice or input anyone gives me I will take with gratitude. Thank you.

Heyyyy so I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this, so thought I would come and ask for some advice.

My mom is old school and a bit closed minded. When I tried to explain to her that I’m still poly and seeing other people even though one of my partners is now my boyfriend she was highly confused. She did end the conversation with “I guess I don’t have to understand, I just have to accept you.” So that was a huge step for her, but I didn’t tell her everything in that conversation. I explained I’m poly and still see other people besides my boyfriend but I didn’t explain that he’s married. We dipped our toes into the married and poly convo and it didn’t go well.

Does anyone have any good points or helpful pointers when having this conversation with someone from a generation above you who doesn’t seem to be understanding.

This is the first time I’ve been in this scenario. Dating a married man and not dating both the couple. She doesn’t know I dated couples either.

Also I’m still fairly new so please be nice. I know I don’t owe anyone every detail of my life, I just don’t know how to explain it to my mom who is so old schooled.

He has a friend who has been trying to be with him, he said she is been after him for the last 2 years but he would never be with her cause she is too emotional and he also needs a friend he doesn't sleep with, now after 2 he told me they are going to try, I.td him he is out of I integrity cause he said to me he would never be with her and he said im entitle to change my mind. But he did not only change his mind they have been having conversations about it and he told me now that he made the decision. I told him omissions are betrayed. Because if im his lifelong partner and we come first, he would never leave me for anyone ( his words) why did he plan and not even consider saying something after they agreed? Not only does she know a lot about our relationship cause he talks to her, but she is not my friend she is only his friend:

Is he out of integrity or im overreacting?

I met somebody on tinder and we planned a meetup last weekend. About an hour before the date, he requested that I help take a picture of him on the date for applying for his passport which was expiring soon.

I thought it was a strange request and said no in a subtle way, ie. Asked him to seek help from his family or friends instead.

He insisted to which I felt uncomfortable and told him I'm having second thoughts of going ahead the date, which he then said I do not have to take the picture if I don't want to.

So I went ahead and met him as planned. During the date, he said it was an overreaction on my part to 'threaten to cancel the date over such a frivolous matter'.

I was surprised that informing him I may want to cancel the meetup is a 'threat'. He said that we're meeting in a public place and he said that nothing will happen to me if I just click the shutter, the phone will not explode etc, and not a reason to threaten to cancel on such frivolous matter. And I should not assume that he has family and friends that can help him with that. And that he values people's time and could have spent time with him mum instead of meeting me. And me not ghosting him is a 'such a low standard', and I should have a higher standard of just coming out to meet him and see what he has to say with the strange request.

Am I in the wrong that if do not want to go ahead to meet if his request makes it uncomfortable for me?

ETA: What I really don't understand is - was what I said really a 'threat'? To someone I have never met.

I should start this by saying I’ve probably written this out like 5 times.

I (m) and my girlfriend (f) are currently trying to enter a mono-poly relationship (sorry if that’s no the right term) we’ve been together for around 2 years and while I think I’m monogamous she has recently met someone she has feeling for and is pursuing a relationship with them they are also female. We’re both pretty queer as before I met her I was exclusively dating men for a while so this isn’t the problem.

I told my gf that I needed time to figure things out and that I would never want to hold her back in life or stop her being who she is. She took this to mean she could kiss this other person. I was pretty upset but understand it was a miss communication on my part.

After that I agreed to enter a mono-poly relationship but only when I was ready and in my own time. This hasn’t really happened and I’ve been pushed into a situation where the other person is now coming to stay with my gf for the weekend. Like an idiot I said it was ok even tho deep down it’s was killing me. I understand that it’s on me but I think I expect my girlfriend to be able to understand how I was feeling. I now realises i was wrong.

I feel like what felt like time to adjust (a month) was enough for them it was hasn’t been for me. I also know that no time would have been right. That I’d always want to put it off. But it was all so fast. I’m mad at this other person for even suggesting the she come and stays and I’m mad at my girlfriend for even thinking I’d be ready for this. But I know it’s on me. That this whole mess happened because I was trying to play the “I’m cool with everything guy.”

As you can probably imagine I’m really struggling with this. And now we keep fighting. I love my gf more than anything in the world and she assures me she loves me too. But also has room in her heart to love someone else.

I just want her to understand how I feel and while she says she does it doesn’t feel that way.

I’m not jealous of this other person at all as they are completely different to me and frankly I have no desire right now to even know them. I think a lot of this comes from my insecurity of never feeling good enough for anyone.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I guess it would be good to know what if anyone has been in a situation like that this, can mono-poly work? Are there any mono-poly people I can speak to about this.

It’s all incredibly new to me and I appreciate if you read this far. Sorry if this feels like a ramble.

I recently started talking to a girl that wants others to “host”. I’ve heard of this before but I’m still not sure about the etiquette for this. Any advice and tips would be great :)

I’m personally an atheist, but some scripture stories are actually quite useful. So, I wonder if this will help anyone. It has certainly helped me in the past, usually in situations where one partner has wanted me to break up with another. But it works with friends, too.

The story goes that King Solomon, who was incredibly wise, was once faced with two mothers. Both had recently given birth, but one of the babies had died. They both now claimed that the surviving baby was theirs.

King Solomon’s solution was to decree that the remaining baby should be cut in half. At this, one of the women broke down in tears and said, ‘okay it’s not my baby, let the other mother take it, just don’t harm it.’

At which point, Sol knew that this woman was actually the real mother, because she was the one who loved the baby enough to let it go as long as that was what was best for the baby.

So, Solomon changed his decree to say that, paradoxically, the woman who was willing to give up her child should be the one to keep it.

I think of this story every time I’ve been in a situation where I have to choose between two partners, or where I’ve hoped a partner would prioritise me. And I remember that loving someone is not about getting what we want from them, but about wanting what is best for them.

And so if I’m ever forced to choose between two partners/friends/etc, because one partner wants me to leave the other, I always choose the one who is not making me choose. Because actually, they tend to be the one that is worth choosing.

And if I ever feel insecure and wish that a meta would ever just disappear from the picture, then (with the proviso that they aren’t a shitty or abusive person) I try to remind myself that the best way to love my partner is to not make them choose.

It’s worked pretty well so far, I think.

My partner (25nb) has known for a long time they are poly. I (25nb) am still new to polyamory, but I'm really looking forward to figuring out if I want multiple partners as well! It's been a challenging but rewarding journey so far, and our relationship continues to strengthen.

My partner temporarily moved 2 hours away last year for a contract job (they have moved back in with me, but will be leaving again soon for another contract).

While there, they met a polyamorous couple. I was insecure about it at the time but once I had a chance to meet them, all my weird feelings disappeared. Almost.

One of the guys in the polycule gives me bad vibes. He's horrible at communicating, has manipulating tendencies, and very rapidly turns on people. His husband's ex has been blacklisted despite the fact it was a mutual breakup. I understand he's mentally ill but he tends to use it as an excuse instead of properly apologizing or working on his issues. I'm not super comfortable with my partner spending time with him but his place is the polycule's main hangout.

I know they are a grown adult who can make their own choices. I'm just worried that they are overlooking any issues because they are so excited to have queer poly friends (we live in a small country town so our access to other people with similar mindsets is sorely lacking lol).

I've mentioned I don't get good vibes from this guy to them. My partner kinda dismissed it. They look at life through rose coloured glasses and believes in the good of people which is one of the things I really love about them. They really like the other people in the polycule and I do too.

I guess I don't necessarily have a question or anything. I'm just uncertain if there are any other steps to take in this situation or if the next step is to be ready to support them if something goes wrong.