So this post is about the rules we use to navigate poly and your take is nobody needs them? Why are you here? If you don't need a rudder, good for you. But I see a lot of people in this post who needed one and I'm not about to tell them they're just doing poly wrong 🤷🏾‍♀️

I am 1 month out from having to break up with a guy who was married because the last straw was him being cagey about planning our anniversary with me. He was with a wife who blinded one of his eyes because she was playing with a bb gun in the house. Plus she moved in one of her partners into their shared home without consulting him. He had so many flags of not just being dishonest to me but refusing to deal with a life he complained about regularly but made no effort to improve.

I am 6 months out from being dumped by a different married my partner because he was having a hard time and after 3 years of a physically and emotionally open bond, he didn't tell me. Him and his wife talked about his and i's relationship but I was left in the dark. The fact that he chose not to confide in me about us but made the unilateral decision to break up with me is the kind of emotional blocking that I've come to expect from married couples. These experiences and more have been so common in dating married men and happened not that long ago. if I need to focus on dating individuals instead of having to inspect every marriage for red flags, then I get to.

Remember I am evaluating people for access to me. Not for society wide acceptance of who and what they are

This is a very timely reaction that is also seen in the choice between being trapped in the woods with a Man vs trapped with a Bear. Most chose bear. Men, especially straight men, are not a oppressed category of people. Intersectionality is a good topic to explore

Reading is fundamental. I've said I'm 34 living in a large city. I've dated all types of men when I was age 21-28. I know what "fantastic" Opportunities I'm supposedly missing and my life has been so much less toxic and full of drama since.

Again, I live in a big city with millions of people and a mix of everyone. Finding partners isn't hard and tailoring my search increased my number of compatible partners because I wasnt front loaded with a large amount of the same kinds of defensive and toxic people.

and that's just the worst thing that can happen to anyone, huh? being less popular online.

Reading comprehension is important
"I have some shorthand rules that have helped me access a wide variety of partners and find more emotionally mature and genuine partners."

I never said it's what people should do to be successful in poly

Times where their communication is of and they're stewing in resentments. Usually because they refuse to address long term issues. And because they're unwilling to address them, there's little warning and communication to the non married partner because the married ones are lying to themselves

I would see how it plays out. i give a lot more chances once in a relationship than in the initial meet, mostly because I have a better idea whether it is worth it.

more like if, someone doesnt do poly my way, I don't date them.

[GIF] 

autonomy has never been about keeping myself available to people just because they don't "deserve" to be "forced" to be mature and civil to the others in my life. not being able to date me isn't a punishment

"So what if someone goes apple picking and you both really like each other but they don't want to keep spending a bunch of time with their metas and wants to spend your limited time together dating each other?"

To answer this hypothetical, there arent a lot of meta-wide events that I throw. it's not really required and it's only a problem when people act like it's crazy to ask them if they want to go.
Most of mu dating happens without meta interaction. However it matters if somebody has a problem with even the idea of other metas. i do not want those people in my world. if someone cant handle any mention of my other partners and doesn't want to mention theirs, that is my red flag. i am this person from the jump. if someone doesn't like it but isn't clear or transparent when they figure it out, that's not a person I want to be with.

If I were to nix the KTP thing, i'd still require the same things: Transparency about relationships,
awareness of my life and the people in it,
and me not being forced to deal with someone else's dysfunction just because they don't know how to have honestly and transparency in their relationships.
why would I want that.
KTP is just shorthand, something that I can filter out people who know they want secrets and grayness in their relationships. they are the opposite of the people I enjoy dating.

"it's not cool to require KTP"
cool? I cant decide the kind of relationships I want to have and be upfront about it? That like saying it's not cool to require that my partners also be poly and not monogamous. It's a belief system.

I don't see where people in my polycule don't have full autonomy. who is getting hurt? what kind of hurt?

dating each other? getting dumped because they don't want to date someone or go apple picking?
what are you talking about? also that would never be a requirement.

what are you mad about? specifically?

all I want is transparency and honesty. from myself and my partners. the amorphous gray cloud of who my partners are with and who I'm with is a red flag for me. i demand clarity.

what happens between my polycule is not decided by me. I only want them to know what kind of polycule they're in and to be a partner with transparency about my relationships. everyone knows about everyone. that's the ideal. the apple picking is a perk that I've been managing for 5 years straight and people look forward to getting out of the city. it's not required but I'll ask why it's a problem.

but also, there's a difference between "not vibing" with my partner and seeing something harmful in them.

This is only true if you are assuming that I am somehow tricking my partners into being with me first and then springing on them that they have to be friends with my partners too. The partners I meet online see my profile saying that I want my partners to be Kitchen Table AND that if going apple picking with my friends, partners, and metas, is uncomfortable then they should look elsewhere.
I don't see where anything is "forcing" people in my polycule to be Kitchen Table and it concerns me that 2 people already are up in their feelings about me supposedly "forcing" people to be friends. like we're not all adults making clear informed decisions here.

at what point did i say that I require my metas to be friends? the general knowledge of the polycule is the goal, although my partners do tend to get along because we're nerdy and like a lot of nerdy stuff.
what made you make that assumption?

if you were happy, you likely wouldn't be here, asserting that metamors shouldn't have to actively participate in a polycule that they explicitly agree to from the onset.

your table must be very empty of collaboration

I (demi, solo, pan) stopped dating straight men. like, flat out. it lead to me finding folks with much less of a toxic mix of insecurity and audacity

So, I have the lofty conceptual rules and then the more direct *yucks*

• all members of the polycule need to be good with going apple picking with my friends and partners. we're a low key bunch and if that not your vibe, neither am i.
  
• I consider myself someone who makes good choices so I only pick people who make good choices about their own well being.
  
• be honest to myself about myself. expect the same from potential partners

Rules of Engagement
- Kitchen Table Poly ONLY
- No married couples
- No straight men. I don't enjoy masculinity performances. Just do you.