Polyamory: openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person

• Posts must be about polyamory.
  
• No personals, no unicorn hunters, no harem builders.
  
• Don't be a jerk.
  

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A: Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is a type of non-monogamy, not all non-monogamy is polyamory. Check out r/nonmonogamy to talk about all forms of ethical non-monogamy.

A: Check out our glossary: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab

A: Here are some resources you may find helpful:
- Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson
- The Most Skipped Step by @PolyamorySchool
- Dear Monogamous people, you Do Not have to give Polyamory a try by u/EllefromHTX

A: Because polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. Unicorn hunters and harem builders are not ethical. What? Why?

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Relationships Menu -- When you want to get off the relationship escalator and build relationships thoughtfully, this is an excellent tool built by u/poly_jane

I Don't Know Anything! -- When you just don't know where to start, here's a truly excellent collection of resources from u/turtlehollow

Book List curated by u/chasingthewiz

Multiamory Podcast -- recommended by many of our regular contributors

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If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, or a relationship you think may be abusive:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships
http://www.thehotline.org
http://www.loveisrespect.org
https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/en/all-resources

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!

so my nesting partner and i have been going through some shit with trauma, and hes been pretty avoidant and ive been pulling in because we’ve had the label of a relationship on us for a while now. im autistic, so labels mean a lot to me, and when we were labelled as a relationship, i expected relationship-adjacent intimacy which my NP couldnt give.

today, i told him about queerplatonic relationships (specifically the concept of romantic friendships) and its as if a lightbulb lit up above his head and he went “would you mind if we transitioned the relationship over to this?” which was a huge relief, since ive been contemplating bringing up a qpr to him for at least a month now.

im so happy we are on the same page, and my autistic little brain is so ecstatic about this. i am also probably getting into a qpr with a girl i really like!! so im super happy hehe

This may just be my perception, but in recent years there has seemed to be an uptick in poly noobs thinking that poly people necessarily date in a group (that is, that poly people don't generally pursue one-on-one relationships but instead date in, like, modules). Where is that coming from? Bad media representation? The mainstream being more familiar with swinging and assuming poly is just the relationship version? A higher prevalence of social media misinfo?

Hi, I'm 34-cis woman-demisexual w/ high sex drive, and I've identified as Kitchen Table Polyamorous for about a decade in a large city. I have some shorthand rules that have helped me access a wide variety of partners and find more emotionally mature and genuine partners.

I'd love to hear other perspectives and feedback.

1. It is natural to feel feelings,
   even ones I'm embarrassed to feel. it is my responsibility to be non-dickish about expressing them.
   

2. No straight men,
mostly because they tend to center themself and their feelings while turning down possible moments of emotional maturity to perform masculinity. It is what societal perception of straightness requires of them. Not to say there arent straight men trying to reprogram, but most of the ones i've dated who are will still get very defensive if I point out sexist or misogynistic behavior that I'm not cool with.

3. No married couples.
I have yet to find a married couple who value the non-marriage partner as a human being who deserves full honesty in the polycule, especially when the marriage is going through rough patches.

4. Being alone should remain a better alternative
than being in a bad relationship. Use therapy and self-reflection regularly to make sure it remains so.

5. Protect my peace.
Drama and Dishonesty is not conducive to a peaceful and enjoyable life for me

I'm not sure if I want support or advice.... But I'm managing hurt feelings on a hypothetical situation.

My semi-long-distance partner and I have been together for a couple of years now. At the moment he's my only partner, he's got a small rotation of casual others but considers me his primary who he has the strongest feelings for and connection with.

I don't want to cohabitate with anyone, I have been of this mindset for years, and I established this upfront with him, it's nothing personal, it's just how I function best. That's fine, because he's committed to living with a former partner of his for the long term, she's incredibly dependent on him and he cares for her more like a father than a partner. It works for them and I'm happy with their dynamic.

That said, my feelings are shifting, and although logistically it will never make sense for him and I to live together, I've actually reached a point where I hypothetically would like to be with him, and I do desire to live with him and the idea fills me with joy. I haven't expressed this to him since logistically we can't live together anyways.

In casual conversation this past weekend he mentioned that it's good I don't want to live with him, he wouldn't be able to cohabitate with me because of x, y, z personality aspects of mine.

I feel deeply hurt, rejected, devastated. It feels so personal. I'm suddenly questioning our relationship and if I want to be with someone who feels that way about me and aspects of me.

I don't know how to process this.

I'm looking for advice on how to manage my feelings maybe?

I've been dating someone new for about 2 months, but it's going quite slowly, which I both enjoy and find challenging, as I would like to be able to enjoy a NRE with them, but I don't think I can?

I have a feeling that this relationship may be unequal, and that is partially because I am without a primary partner, but the person I am seeing is. They have a live-in partner, and a very tight group of friends around this relationship with whom they do everything, all the time, which ultimately leaves little space for me.

I am not really insecure in what I bring to the table, and we've had a chat recently where I asked them "Ok so what do you want?" because I felt a distance, and maybe also that I wasn't as much in their thoughts as much as they were in mine. I voiced a few times prior that I didn't know if I wanted to invest myself with someone who already has such a packed life and schedule, and they kept saying "but I can be there I promise!". And I don't really think I trust this, which I'm boiling down to this difference between the fact that I am looking for someone I can possibly come home to sometimes, or someone I can enjoy the excitment of a new relationship with (hello NRE), and they... don't really need this (question mark "with me"?).

Like they have most of what they want at home, it seems, which makes me feel quite insecure.

I don't feel any jealousy or problems with their partner(s), I think, it's more that I struggle to believe that I will get the same consideration maybe? But that also may be my own insecurities. I don't really enjoy the fact that I seem to be allocating a bunch of brain space that I don't really know they would allocate to me, also because our lives are built differently (they have one tight group of friends they have known forever, I have a constellation of 1 to 1 frienships that sometimes interract, so making space for 1 person doesn't work the same way for them or for me).

My instinct is to sort of close shop and run away, but I don't think that is the way to go, and I like them overall. The time we manage to find for eachother is quite lovely and it seems like it might go well (although again; I don't know how/if I'll get an actual place in their life and that scares me!).

Anyway, have you experienced something similar?
How would you manage?

I met somebody on tinder and we planned a meetup last weekend. About an hour before the date, he requested that I help take a picture of him on the date for applying for his passport which was expiring soon.

I thought it was a strange request and said no in a subtle way, ie. Asked him to seek help from his family or friends instead.

He insisted to which I felt uncomfortable and told him I'm having second thoughts of going ahead the date, which he then said I do not have to take the picture if I don't want to.

So I went ahead and met him as planned. During the date, he said it was an overreaction on my part to 'threaten to cancel the date over such a frivolous matter'.

I was surprised that informing him I may want to cancel the meetup is a 'threat'. He said that we're meeting in a public place and he said that nothing will happen to me if I just click the shutter, the phone will not explode etc, and not a reason to threaten to cancel on such frivolous matter. And I should not assume that he has family and friends that can help him with that. And that he values people's time and could have spent time with him mum instead of meeting me. And me not ghosting him is a 'such a low standard', and I should have a higher standard of just coming out to meet him and see what he has to say with the strange request.

Am I in the wrong that if do not want to go ahead to meet if his request makes it uncomfortable for me?

ETA: What I really don't understand is - was what I said really a 'threat'? To someone I have never met.

If you’re dating someone new to poly, but you yourself are not new, and you know they’re actively working on adjusting out of mono, how receptive are you to them asking you to take more of a lead in helping you adjust? I know someone asking this needs to be clear on what that looks like for them, but if you know they’ve been doing research, self reflection, and reaching out to other community members for their insight - are you more open to that request or turned off?

I know this is subjective and I’m happy to provide more context if needed. I think the biggest hesitation for people wanting “help” in adjusting is that they’ll come off as not equipped for poly.

Im keeping it short and simple My long distance partner has recently started flirting, etc with someone new, which is great for them! Cool. He also has a girlfriend which is no problem for me at all. Good for them.

But now my problem isnt that by itself, its just that the last few days hes started to leave me on read constantly, no matter the time or topic. Since its long distance, I just feel so lonely because thats the only communication.. and now hes ignoring me

I cant help but feel replaced and forgotten. Weve talked before about how behavior like that makes me feel very insecure and hurts, so I dont see the point in bringing it up again, but I just dont know what to do

We have been married for two years and four in total at the relationship. I (35M) met her while I was actively dating others. Soon after I met F (33F) and I had a relationship that lasted over a year with her. I haven’t had my other significant relationship with someone else since.

The other day we were talking about our future and she told me she didn’t wanted me to have another partner, that she did not want to be in that situation again. She knows this exact same thing happened to me before, a girl I loved did the same thing and I broke with her and it was really painful for me. I tried to be monogamous for her and it didn’t worked, I felt I was betraying myself while I was trying.

Now I feel I’m at the same spot once again, but this time I’m married, this time we both agreed at the start of the relationship that we were going to be polyamorous. I know she can opt out anytime she wants, is her life and her decision on how to live it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be with someone else in a relationship besides her, I’m not pursuing it, nor looking for someone. I just love having the freedom to follow my heart if someday happens.

I would really love to have some perspective and advice on how to handle this

Thanks in advance

I’m personally an atheist, but some scripture stories are actually quite useful. So, I wonder if this will help anyone. It has certainly helped me in the past, usually in situations where one partner has wanted me to break up with another. But it works with friends, too.

The story goes that King Solomon, who was incredibly wise, was once faced with two mothers. Both had recently given birth, but one of the babies had died. They both now claimed that the surviving baby was theirs.

King Solomon’s solution was to decree that the remaining baby should be cut in half. At this, one of the women broke down in tears and said, ‘okay it’s not my baby, let the other mother take it, just don’t harm it.’

At which point, Sol knew that this woman was actually the real mother, because she was the one who loved the baby enough to let it go as long as that was what was best for the baby.

So, Solomon changed his decree to say that, paradoxically, the woman who was willing to give up her child should be the one to keep it.

I think of this story every time I’ve been in a situation where I have to choose between two partners, or where I’ve hoped a partner would prioritise me. And I remember that loving someone is not about getting what we want from them, but about wanting what is best for them.

And so if I’m ever forced to choose between two partners/friends/etc, because one partner wants me to leave the other, I always choose the one who is not making me choose. Because actually, they tend to be the one that is worth choosing.

And if I ever feel insecure and wish that a meta would ever just disappear from the picture, then (with the proviso that they aren’t a shitty or abusive person) I try to remind myself that the best way to love my partner is to not make them choose.

It’s worked pretty well so far, I think.

I’m experiencing some struggles while transition from a monogamous relationship to a moe poly relationship and am looking for advice on what are normal transition struggles with the change and jealous and what are signs that poly isn’t right for you?

There's a lot of negativity on here of folks struggling and cheating and hurt so wanted to share something heartwarming and positive.

I (43m) am married to Cherry (43f) for 19 years and have been ENM for 10 years. Sexually open emotionally closed was our standard (we have both had numerous sexual relationships outside our marriage) and then Apple (43f) came in and I caught the feels and fell hard for her.

Apple, Cherry and I talked at length as individually and as a group and decided that it was natural and actively pursued the emotional relationship. Cherry and I returned from a planned vacation and Apple and I were going to have our first overnight (big exciting step)! Day comes and Apple and I go on our way. I call Cherry that evening to say goodnight and she is having a lot of anxiety and feels. Apple immediately says that we have to go to Cherry so we abandon our weekend plan and drive home to Cherry and spend the evening talking about feelings and the relationship. Ended up deepening feelings for both Apple and Cherry and the honest feedback on the relationship and the compassion Apple had to make sure Cherry didn't feel abandoned or hurt was amazing. Was awesome to see new partner support my wife like that. Also helped me learn where I was being too complacent in my own communication methods as well and provided a forum for feedback for all three of us. Ended up being an even better weekend than expected and was genuinely a wholesome experience that brought me closer to both my partners.

Relationships are hard and changing the paradigm of a relationship has been challenging, but clear honest communication is so essential and makes a world of difference.

I should start this by saying I’ve probably written this out like 5 times.

I (m) and my girlfriend (f) are currently trying to enter a mono-poly relationship (sorry if that’s no the right term) we’ve been together for around 2 years and while I think I’m monogamous she has recently met someone she has feeling for and is pursuing a relationship with them they are also female. We’re both pretty queer as before I met her I was exclusively dating men for a while so this isn’t the problem.

I told my gf that I needed time to figure things out and that I would never want to hold her back in life or stop her being who she is. She took this to mean she could kiss this other person. I was pretty upset but understand it was a miss communication on my part.

After that I agreed to enter a mono-poly relationship but only when I was ready and in my own time. This hasn’t really happened and I’ve been pushed into a situation where the other person is now coming to stay with my gf for the weekend. Like an idiot I said it was ok even tho deep down it’s was killing me. I understand that it’s on me but I think I expect my girlfriend to be able to understand how I was feeling. I now realises i was wrong.

I feel like what felt like time to adjust (a month) was enough for them it was hasn’t been for me. I also know that no time would have been right. That I’d always want to put it off. But it was all so fast. I’m mad at this other person for even suggesting the she come and stays and I’m mad at my girlfriend for even thinking I’d be ready for this. But I know it’s on me. That this whole mess happened because I was trying to play the “I’m cool with everything guy.”

As you can probably imagine I’m really struggling with this. And now we keep fighting. I love my gf more than anything in the world and she assures me she loves me too. But also has room in her heart to love someone else.

I just want her to understand how I feel and while she says she does it doesn’t feel that way.

I’m not jealous of this other person at all as they are completely different to me and frankly I have no desire right now to even know them. I think a lot of this comes from my insecurity of never feeling good enough for anyone.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I guess it would be good to know what if anyone has been in a situation like that this, can mono-poly work? Are there any mono-poly people I can speak to about this.

It’s all incredibly new to me and I appreciate if you read this far. Sorry if this feels like a ramble.

This probably isn't the right sub to post in, but I've posted a bit about my situation before and have a feeling if I post elsewhere I'll be flamed for not having a traditional relationship with my post history, which isn't what I need right now.

Today marks a full year since I had in-person time with my partner, since I've been hugged or touched in any kind of platonic friendly way. I wasn't purposely keeping track but I saw the date and I mean I was feeling a lot of things at the airport and the whole flight to my house and my relationship has been something I've held very dearly so the date just kind of stuck I guess.

It's only just really starting to sink in that I'm not a priority to my partner in the same way they are for me. That realisation just kind of hit hard today and my mind isn't being a super nice place to exist in right now. I know others have told me that before, but being told something and having the realisation for yourself are two very different things.

How do you detach your value as a person from your relationships? I just kind of feel like I'm not ever going to have a relationship where I as a person am a priority in the same way that I prioritize others, be that romantic or platonic. My self esteem is at a low, for a multitude of reasons, and I just want things to be better, to feel a bit better about myself.

Me and my bf have been together a little over a year and 4 months, we got together whilst i was in another relashinship and activly "being poly". ofc he knew that going in, and then me and my other partner broke up and its just been me and him. i enjoy being poly, i enjoy the life and experience ive gotten from it. i havent been in a monogomous relashinship for roughly 4 years (until me and my last partner broke up about 8 months ago). i think he was hoping id just grew out of it. ive tried to bring it up to him and have a genuine conversation over it all and explain my feelings in a way that wont make him feel less than. i love this boy so much but monogomy isnt something i particulary feel fufilled in. especially since i hardly see him anymore. i tried to explain that i wished i knew his feelings on polyamory before me and him got together, especially since he knew i was poly but it doesnt seem like he just doesnt want to talk about it at all. i dont know what to do. i wont force him into something hes not comfy with obviously, i love him. i dont think my feelings are worth it enough to break things off. id rather he be happy and comfortable, even if i dont really want to be mono. i dont know. i feel like theres no way to win this situation without either of us getting hurt. i wish i didnt feel so unfilled in monogomy. i cant go hours or days without real conversations, i crave affection and people i guess? i know hes busy and he has alot and thats not his fault. i dont blame him at all, i just wish i knew his discomfort. it makes me feel bad now knowing we got together while i was activley poly and he didnt like it. pardon the rambling, i have alot of feelings over this and i dont know what to do

EDIT: thank you so much for all the advice, i feel heard out and less alone on the situation. i feel less like an asshole lol. definitely revaluating everything, im scared to throw away a good thing and those memories but i cant be fulfilled like this. i cant be truly happy. i feel lied too, and like i was put in a unfair situation. i love him but not enough to lose such a big part of myself and my experiences.

Just seeking advice from any kind folks more experienced in this world willing to spare a few words.

I (40sf) met a sweet poly guy (40sm) in our shared place of work a while ago (fyi he is not a direct colleague at all). Anyway, I didn't realize he was in a relationship as he doesn't wear a ring or anything. Long story short, we matched on OLD a few months later, and his profile said he was looking for an "open relationship." (Edit: he also wrote that he was poly in his profile description.) This was/is fine for me as I am a single mama of two younger kids, and I don't want to move faster anyway with someone (and don't want to bring anyone into the lives of my kids for a long while).

We finally had our first date a few days ago, and I'm super duper attracted to this man (his intellect, energy, smile, eyes, and well just everything). In fact, he feels like something very special to me. The similarities between us are uncanny. He seems super attracted to me, as well. We ended up being very intimate that night.

The thing is, he also disclosed on this first date that not only is he looking for an open relationship, he's already in one. He said he doesnt put it on his OLD profile because then no one matches with him. He said he has a central relationship with a kid, and he has had a poly constellation of lovers around him in the past though not currently. The central also takes her own lovers on the side.

Of course, I asked a lot of questions. He said basically his central and him have a DADT type of agreement (Edit: he said they can tell sometimes but it is just with discretion) with a central contract written up. His contract includes things like: 1) he is not allowed to take anyone to his house, 2) no harm can come to his central, 3) no harm can come to child, 4) he is not allowed to take any weekends or vacations with his other relationships (and other things I can't remember).

Look, I'm all for having a contract. I read "The Ethical Slut" and even had a failed attempt at ethical non-monogomy a few years ago due to my partner sleeping around without condoms. Yet, this whole issue is a bit tricky for me because I'm demisexual, and I would like to feel like I have an emotional (love) connection with someone whether in a mono or poly space. I am OK without ever going to his house, and I certainly would never want to hurt his wife or child (as I have been on the hurt side of the equation in years past). But it strikes me as kind of sad to never be able to imagine having a weekend away with my lover. Hmmmm.

Am I overthinking this? Would I have the right as the new lover in such an equation to express my own desires for a contract modification to take a weekend together down the line or is that being controlling? Does the new lover just need accept whatever is on that contract carte blanche to avoid hurting the central or else choose not get into the relationship?

He said he doesn't label his relationships as primary or secondary because this results in a hierarchical grouping of lovers, and he doesn't want that. But isn't it a hierarchical grouping that the new lovers could not take a weekend with their partner?

Sorry, I'm a newbie in this realm, but I really want to try to evolve to be the least controlling and most loving human that I can so any advice here is helpful. I'm sure I have a lot of growing to do in this realm.

TLDR: new poly boyfriend has contract with central relationship that does not allow weekend away with other poly lovers. If I'm not comfortable with this future outlook of no possible weekends together, should I walk away now. Seeking advice from you wise poly folks.

Edit1: Thanks everyone for your wise feedback! It's really helped me think through this stuff more.

Seems like the consensus is that this guy was not being super conscientious (honest) by not disclosing his partner and kid status beforehand - and - he is practicing a type hierarchy relationship maybe under the ENM/open realm despite him saying he is practicing a non-hierachy and not wanting to use terms like primary and secondary.

Some of your comments also helped me understand why it could be could actually be helpful for him to have a primary partnership ENM/open relationship to maintain his family unit. Which I totally want to honor because kids are beautiful and innocent.

So, I guess my next steps are to have a conversation with him about it. Maybe he's just inexperienced with all these terms, so I at least want to communicate to him that it seems hierarchical, so maybe he can disclose this better to future partners.

Anyway, I'm going to think more for sure, but I don't think I can do the hierarchical structure as a demisexual who wants the occasional vacation with my lover. Thank you all so much for helping me understand this all a lot better... bunch of kind people up in here!

Edit2: I just want to add several comments have talked about how hierarchical structures in open relationships are not inherently bad especially when living with primary or nesting partners and kids, and I tend to agree (the same I may not be totally comfortable with it for myself as a demisexual).

People have just said that it's the obfuscation of this dynamic from the get-go, which is not healthy (e.g., that he didn't disclose it ahead of time). I don't think he was necessarily doing this with bad intention. He later expressed to me that he, and his central, are coming up with their own definition for ENM/poly (that may or may not be in line with the shared definitions of ENM or poly that already exist). He seems to have a good heart. It's just a vibe, I get.

At any rate, your comments have been incredibly helpful in my understanding that his practice is not poly as much as an open relationship with rules. So I thank you all for the emotional labor to help with that clarification. I'm going to take some time to clear my mind about all this stuff to think through my next steps with the whole HALT principles in play as I'm feeling a little tired from all this emotional labor myself. Thanks again, you all. Take care.

I’ve been a big reader of this forum and never thought I’d be posting haha. I (26f) have been dating Leaf (32m) for around 5 months. L has been with May (33f) for two years. I met him through May and she highly encouraged both of us to date. It got pretty serious pretty fast and we ended up becoming official and sharing I love you’s within a month. They’ve been poly their whole relationship, but I was the first romantic interest to come into the dynamic. After about two months of us seeing each other, May realized this adjustment was taking a bigger toll on her mental health than anticipated and suggested she step out of the relationship to focus on herself and allow us to continue building ours. Leaf didn’t want this, and instead told May that he would break up with me to keep her.

Spoiler alert: he didn’t!!

Instead of coming clean, Lead told May he had broken up with me, and told me May wanted to practice parallel poly but pursued it in a DADT kind of way. This was my first poly relationship, as well as my first relationship, so I was still learning what was normal for this kind of dynamic, what were trauma responses that were being triggered, etc. etc. So I really let a lot more slide than I should have.

So Leaf continued to lie to both me and May. He has a packed schedule with various hobbies, work, etc. so it was difficult for us to see each other. I was lucky if I saw him for more than two waking hours in a week. He lied to us about his availability, saying he was working when he was actually with either me or May.

I’ve recently gone on a vacation to visit my parents out of state and invited Leaf. For weeks he told me he was trying to find coverage, only to tell me days before I left that he couldn’t. I asked him how May felt about this and he said she was okay with it because she was in the middle of finals. Clearly this conversation never happened, because May thought we had broken up MONTHS prior.

During my trip, May found a pair of my earrings and finally realized we were still together. Leaf lied until the last possible moment, trying to convince her that it was his step mom’s. She gave him the ultimatum to either break up with me or they were done.

So he did. The day I got home from my trip. Before that he continued acting totally normal, so I was completely blindsided. In this conversation he said his life was too busy and he wouldn’t be able to make time for me, and that he had broken up with May days prior. She wasn’t taking it well, according to him.

Last night he told me about all the lies. I continued discussing everything with May into this morning, which is how I know all of this information. Leaf had been telling her that our relationship was casual and nothing serious, whereas he was telling me he wanted forever and was already planning our six month anniversary. He’s told me he didn’t want to end it and that he doesn’t want to lose me entirely.

They’re still together. I don’t know how to process this. I told him I was insecure about the length of their relationship vs how new ours was. When they were struggling, I asked what he would do if May told him to break up with me and he said he wouldn’t. I’m just upset I didn’t get a proper conversation or a choice.

Is it bad that I still want him? Is it bad that im jealous of May for having the opportunity to rectify things? How does one process all of this and heal?

Sorry for the long rant, I’ve never been in a position like this before and I have no clue how to feel or what to do. I love him so much.

Edit: I in no way blame May for any of this. I feel so terrible that she was hurt in any way and I honestly can’t say I would’ve reacted much different if I were in her shoes.

One of them has never been in a polyamorous relationship before and the other has only had negative experiences with polyamory. I got out of a hierarchical poly relationship a year ago and I don’t like that kind of poly relationship. And it’s feeling like that’s what’s happening again and like I’m the less important partner again. One of my partners, it feels like they have to be reminded that I’m part of the relationship. And it feels like they’re with me for, like, the novelty(?) of being in a poly relationship. I feel like I’m intruding on their relationship but I’m scared to bring it up because I’m a very non-confrontational person. And I don’t know if I should break up with them or keep trying.

So I had been casually dating a guy for 2.5 years but we had talks throughout of when we do make it official keeping it open with of course some parameters but we never technically have made it official.

We have been acting essentially as our main partners though never said we were official or going on trips, spending most weekends together, him putting me as his emergency contact at the hospital. We were still talking to other people and he would see "friends" besides me but I haven't really mostly because I didn't need it and don't have a lot of free time.

Well last fall he got in a bad accident on his motorcycle that has left him indefinitely missing 4 inches of bone in his leg and unable to walk.

I have been there for him day in and day out as much as I can with my full time job and trying to take care of my own health. I have given over 100% emotionally and mentally even if it took away from what I needed.

He hasn't been able to give me anything sexually, very little emotionally or mentally which is understandable because of what he is going through. I'm not upset he can't do this.

That being said I am now actually trying to date outside of him not in an effort to leave him at all and still follow our rules but I just need to have my needs met because I don't want to resent him and I am giving so much of myself for him that I feel drained because I'm not getting any back so I'm hoping if I can get it somewhere else I'll have more to give myself

I've gone on one date, with someone who already has a main partner so it's not like he is looking to snatch me up. Just enjoy each other's company then go back to our main partners.

My partner seemed ok with this, but then a week later he made me feel like I shouldn't be trying to to have my needs filled and should just worry about being at his side.

So is that how I should behave? I mean he hasn't even called me his girlfriend to his "friends" straight up telling them I wasn't his girlfriend just his best partner when they mentioned they were worried about contacting him because it would upset his "girlfriend"

Is it normal to feel soul crushing loneliness. I have a partner and I love her very much but I have been poly for nearly 5 years now and have no other long term partner and recently I have just starting to feel a deep seeded depression that comes from just feeling like I'm missing something. Is this normal and if so how do I fix it?

(Using pseudonyms of course). Currently in a relationship with my partner, Kate, who also has a meta, Molly, who I’ve known for years. Both Molly and I are similar in many ways— we both hold down full time jobs, are relatively introverted, and share domestic responsibilities with our partner.

Kate also has a number of other comet-type relationships, but those relationships did not develop further for a bunch of reasons, e.g. one of them has a primary partner he invests a lot of time to, another one is uncomfortable about emotional intimacy, another one is both uncomfortable about intimacy and constantly wanders around the world, etc.

Recently, Kate met Ella, they are not currently partners but it is a budding possibility. Ella is a trust fund kid, living in a huge estate, with her lgbt-supportive parents (which is extremely rare where we live), and she has essentially unlimited time and money. She does not work nor study, and is trying to make indie films. In practice, she is constantly throwing big parties that Kate is invited to (I should mention that hosting parties is also something few people in this country do, for the lack of space and parental permission), she shows up to nearly every social that Kate throws, and she is constantly asking Kate for dates. I should mention Kate is uncomfortable with how strong and fast Ella is coming on, so Kate has been turning down the majority of the offers to see Ella 1-on-1.

Upon reflection, I think my insecurities stem from how different I am from her. I am low-contact with my unsupportive parents. I hold down a full time job and pay rent, but the cost of things + the entry level job means I recall the time my partner bought me some gas station snack to tide me over until payday. The NRE has worn off between myself and Kate, and we sometimes discuss the ‘boring’ things like how to fix up the apartment and how to reduce the utilities bill and things like that. Meanwhile, Ella seems to be carefree and tenacious in the kind of way that people with unlimited resources and no responsibilities are. It doesn’t help that I used to be almost like her when I was a student (I had rich parents I was closeted to, back then) and I had met Kate then.

Frankly speaking, I think I have simply been having poly on ‘easy mode’, but now I’m confronted with this possibility and I’m wondering how to get pass my own fears that this new ‘perfect’ person will tempt away the majority of my partner’s time and emotional investment. Any advice?

Hi! I’m new to the whole poly thing and started looking here for some insights. My wife and I are married for 12 years and have 2 kids (11&9). When we started dating I knew that she was bisexual and had had a relationship with a woman in the past. Early on in our relationship we had a threesome with another woman and I loved it and also fantasized about repeating it in the future. A couple of month ago my wife dropped the polybomb, basically telling me that she had feelings for another man and would want to kiss and date him. I was unprepared and in shock. Next day we talked about it a little more and this helped, even though I didn’t quite agree. After that she went to her friends to tell him what she told me and spent some time. It was the first time in years I cried really hard. My feelings at the time were:

am I not good enough in bed? I stood through all of this, 2 births, miscarriage and so on to be replaced like this. I will die alone.

I was hurt and I told her about my feelings in a way I probably hadn’t done in any relationship so far. This helped a lot and she did understand. She told me that she wouldn’t persue it if I am against it, but also that she is happy with our marriage and that she loves me and would never leave me. I told her that I need some time to process this and that she could still meet with her friend but I would feel more secure if she would do it in public places. It felt as if a weight was lifted off of her and also that we as a couple had found a new level of communication. After a couple of weeks continuing like before but with more openness, I told her that I would be fine with it if we put up some rules. 1. Family always comes first 2. We won’t tell the kids (one of them is emotionally unstable) 3. She needed to get on birth control (we were talking about this before, for medical reasons and we did not want a third child since we are 40ish and don’t want to risk anything. 4. We are honest with one another 5. We are transparent and discuss any next step when we reach it

My thoughts on this and the reasons why I opened up our marriage is: - I know she will not leave me for another man as long as the children are not adults since we have a lot of friends that are children of divorce and most of them are still struggling because of that in their 30s - if I won’t let her do it now she will probably do it in 10 years when the kids have moved out - by that time she might resent me for it and leave me, so in the end I would be alone - since our communication improved already by it I was curious to see what else would - I understand that she enjoys the time of just being an adult without kids in close proximity - I also know that it helps her to talk about everything to a person she loves and has no shared responsibility with

We continued and everything went well. A couple of weeks later, she asked me if it would be ok if she kissed him because she really longed for it. I slept on it and told her the next day that I’m fine with it. Our relationship blossomed and so did our intimacy. A couple of weeks later she asked if she could stay over night and again after a night of sleep I told her that I’m fine with it. I knew nothing was going to happen because I trust her to ask me first. My wife will always make sure I’m ok before she leaves to go to him and gives me extra attention to make it easier for me (not because I ask her to) A couple of weeks later she asked me in advance if it would be okay if she would go on a 2 day vacation with him. At first I was reluctant and a little evasive. This time it took me a week to think about it and to make up my mind. I told her that she could do it and also that I would be fine if they had sex as long as they use condoms (as a secondary contraceptive). I offered it because I knew how hard this question would come to her. Her mind was blown and she was really happy. So that’s where we are at the moment.

I’m still only interested in a relationship with my wife and don’t have time between my job, kids and hobbies to romance anyone else. I know her secondary partner and we sometimes hang out, have a barbecue, play games and so on.

I (31M) have a nesting partner Amanda (33F) and a LDR girlfriend Jen (30F). Amanda and I live in the US. Jen lives in Europe and we have never met in person - we met on a video game and have been dating about 5 months.

Amanda and I booked a trip to Germany together just before Jen and I met. Jen lives in a neighboring European country (don't want to give too much detail). Over the past few months I have asked Jen if she would consider meeting us in Germany as the flight is only an hour long from her country to where we will be in Germany. She has said no, that we should wait until we can have at least a week together as having a couple of days together on this trip would be too little.

Now that Amanda and I are in Germany, I am feeling very sad that Jen is so close by and she is not interested in meeting me, or my partner. I offered to pay for her flight snd she still said no. She became very upset with me for being sad and wanting to see her and said it was unfair for me to even be upset.

For reference, my and Jen's potential week-long trip would be in January. I love Jen and would jump at the chance to meet her. If she were in the US only an hours flight away, I would be on that plane in a heartbeat.

Reddit please, am I being unreasonable? I love Jen so much and I feel so heartbroken that she isn't jumping at the chance to meet me, like I would for her.

TLDR; Traveling in Germany from US, only an hour flight away from LDR never-met partner. Partner is not interested in meeting up until we have at least a week together and is angry at me that I am sad and heartbroken about her not wanting to meet.

So I feel like part of my learning experience in poly is about the different kinds of attraction I can have for somebody. In the past, I think it was sort of a binary - either I was physically attracted to someone or I wasn’t. Nowadays I feel like I’m learning about different levels of attraction but I’m having a hard time figuring out what they all mean and how they fit into my life.

Lately I’ve connected with someone and I enjoy spending time with him, enjoy our conversations, enjoy kissing and cuddling. But…I don’t think anything is really turned on from the waist down. It’s like, my engine is revving but it’s not turning over.

The first time we hooked up (3rd date) we did go beyond just kissing. It was good but not mind blowing. I didn’t worry though bc it’s rare that the first time with a new partner is stellar for me.

We had another date recently and he stayed the night. This time I wasn’t feeling anything beyond kissing/cuddling.

I’ve started thinking about this more and realized that I’ve had a similar dynamic with others I’ve dated. I feel attracted to them bc I want to kiss and cuddle and stuff…but I never quite get the “want to jump their bones” feeling.

I think maybe this can develop over time but, in my past, it was usually something I knew right away (however those were monogamous relationships and didn’t last so maybe not the best comparison)

I’m curious if others experience this same feeling. One person suggested this may be a difference between romantic feelings vs platonic. But I don’t think I have a desire to kiss/cuddle in a platonic relationship. But then again maybe it’s just semantics messing me up.

Curious what you think and how do you know if you have enough of a physical spark with someone to keep the relationship going.

Burner account for advice:

So me and wife have been in and started our relationship with the idea of it being free love and open. Both agreed on..with terms. Terms being

1:) No lies or hiding it

2:) No making sure another takes our place as the number one

3:) No exs

As of the last month or so, we have been in the process of moving. Moving close to where a former, last ex, lives. All of this happening sudden and very much like my how my last wife acted before she cheated on me. I didn't suspect my wife of anything at all but brought forth how it was kinda oddly triggering. Assured each time how there was nothing and never an interest or how dare I even assume.

So two days ago, month before move, I'm casually told she does want to change our rule three to sleep with this ex and always wanted to revist it from the start in her mind. I expressed how it made me feel, which was still a "no that's a boundary..and I feel we set it to avoid sparking any old flames and any new people would not be people be previous had romantic relations with. Especially not ones we dated for ten years". I was told instead it was made so I didn't sleep with one of "my" abusive exs and that hers, who she left for me, was cool and chill. I was also told if I had a nice ex I would be ok with it, which no, I would stick to my guns still. Because I would fear the same..I've seen it happen.

As I stood my ground peacefully, she got more and more angry as she tried to continue this sell and not just let it go. Saying how it would be the true test of our relationship and its better to be someone we know than a stranger we get to know and give them those terms. I still disagreed and stuck to my boundary of the old candle outlook and said no. She didn't want to see it that way and said it would be emotionless sex and nothing to worry, yet threw hours into emotion about being told how I felt. Putting myself in the other shoe, I know I would drop it automatically, thats it. Also I expressed how thinking of this for it this long made me feel kinda hurt and mentally she wanted to do this when our whole relationship..all while she's hiding that she wants to change that for the person she just left for me. Told that was my hang out up from previous exs. Mind you, me always talked about our rules and stated "yes those are them". Never agreeing that we could change this and if anything, add things. Never questioned till we move 3 miles from said person..

I was told open means anything can go and no one is off limits and how I don't get it. I told her that even if a new person came around, we both still had to agree and could disagree and that's what makes it healthy. That in order for it to work, any book or Google will state it..even my other poly friends agree

Instead it seemed like more passion was put into this than ourselves recently over being able to break this rule. I will state..I have been depressed for sometime and haven't been all there due to circumstances I've just finally tried to get ahold of, but I feel that shouldn't be an excuse or reason to break a boundary. Sickness and health, wasn't mentally well for 5 months and it got worse when my father passed.

Right now we are on no talking terms, we have a child together, newborn. I've been giving her space and thinking everything over and not knowing what to do. I feel my boundaries aren't be accepted and just rolled with and instead I'm being sold on something and punished for not agreeing to it. She doesn't want to talk without bringing up how I was sad previously, angry at work and being sad about that, upset at my medical problems and me stupidly not listening to her to get them fixed, my crazy ex wife, or my adhd causing me to sometimes forget some things and I may take a minute to get there. All things I've shown Improvement on, even in her words..but all civil talk is broken down to whatever current thing I have to say is counteracted with a past thing.

When asked if she can ever move past it all and us be us again, she never fully answers and it seems that allowing rule 3 to go way is the answer..

Any thoughts at all..brutal or honest, doesn't matter.

Thank you