Questions for first date

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Funny I just said yesterday to say no to something small as a way to see if someone could respect you.

Why would you give them any leeway here? They don't like you saying no and will fight you and dismiss you over it. You think you want more of that?

Yo, OP. You didn't do anything wrong, and reading your description of this interaction makes me want to ghost this guy and I've never even met him.

Feel free to forget this demanding, obnoxious stranger ever existed.

Dude is WEIRD.

If it is indeed "frivolous" to him he could ask the anyone anywhere to snap his pix. Or go to the post office and have them do it. Or crazy... set the phone on a shelf and use the timer function and do it alone.

And I should not assume that he has family and friends that can help him with that. And that he values people's time and could have spent time with him mum instead of meeting me.

Cool. Mum can take it then.

The fact that he's grinding on this so much? And seems to have anger right under the surface and wants to criticize you so much for having some personal boundaries/honoring your own comfort level when he doesn't even know you?

I'd drop him and not bother with him any more. People are usually on the best behavior on first few dates and THIS is all he has for best? Pffft.

This would definitely make me not go for a second date. The way this ass responds to a “no” says a lot about how he will respond to “nos” in the future.

I would agree take his picture... so I could show it to the cops when he inevitably began stalking & harassing me 😝

So many red flags. I have to wonder if he got the idea for the passport photo from some dating advice coach/pickup artist, & was really peeved that you didn't let him run game on you, & wasn't mentally flexible enough to roll with any small deviation from his expectation. He was damn lucky you met him at all, & he still complained about it 🤨 

he sounds really entitled and this is all a huge red flag, i would not go on a second date

🙄🤣 He is NOT dating material.

This is a weird request especially since you can literally take a passport photo in a photo booth or go to a place where they take official passport photos. Weird, weird request.

I probably wouldn't have even gone on the date with him to be honest. People who don't know how to take no for an answer are not generally people that I want to date. Especially if they then bring it up AGAIN on a date to analyse my reaction. Blergh. No thanks.

In fact when he said he could have spent time with his mum, I would have been like, "Great, you can call her now", got up and left. To hell with that BS.

The dude just sucks. He's demonstrated that every time you don't want to do something, he'll try and argue/debate you into changing your mind. 

Oh my god run

This dude is a PROBLEM.

Like 98% probability of abusive piece of shit.

Just seems manipulative to me. It’s easy to arrange a camera with a timer or a remote for a passport photo. I’m just wondering what weird thing he was going to ask for after that.

He sounds like an ass that only his mommy can tolerate

if a guy game me that spiel and couldn’t handle a no, I would tell him the dates done and there will be no follow up.

No it was not a threat -- any guy should understand that anyone going on a first date is understandably wary and will go on high alert if anything even remotely sus arises.

The fact that he doubled down on the date instead of saying "hey, sorry I threw you with that, I didn't mean to make you nervous" means he is at best a jerk.

I thought it was a strange request and said no in a subtle way, ie. Asked him to seek help from his family or friends instead.

It was a strange request. But even if it was a regular request you have every right to say no. A request where "no" isn't an acceptable response is a demand. And if someone pushes your no for any reason before you've even met, unmarch and move on. You don't even have to explain. People are on their best behaviour in the beggining. If he's already trying to get you to do things you don't want to do, it's not gonna get any better. Just more controlling.

He insisted to which I felt uncomfortable and told him I'm having second thoughts of going ahead the date, which he then said I do not have to take the picture if I don't want to.

He only dropped it when he realized you might blow him off due to has behaviour So it was more manipulation.

So I went ahead and met him as planned. During the date, he said it was an overreaction on my part to 'threaten to cancel the date over such a frivolous matter'.

Thats him trying to gaslight you into not upholding your boundaries or being able to negotiate your "No" further down the line.. And ghosting isn't canceling a date. It's blocking and disssaoearing without an explanation. Which I suggest you do in the future hen a strnage man pushes your no. Even for the smallest thing. Makes dating much easier and safer.

He said that we're meeting in a public place and he said that nothing will happen to me if I just click the shutter, the phone will not explode etc, and not a reason to threaten to cancel on such frivolous matter

" I don't consider pushing my" no" a frivolous matter. I consider consent fundamental to a person's morality and ethics. The fact you think it's frivolous and the way you behaved when I said no was appropriate, tells me seeing you is a waste of my time. And you should have asked your mom to take he photos for you. She might actually want to. I barely know you."

Am I in the wrong that if do not want to go ahead to meet if his request makes it uncomfortable for me?

Nope. The only mistake you made was acrually meeting up with him. You are allowed to cancel plans, change your mind, or decide you no longer want to associate with someone.

So I went ahead and met him as planned. During the date, he said it was an overreaction on my part to 'threaten to cancel the date over such a frivolous matter'.

I would NEVER let anyone speak to me this way, ESPECIALLY not a man! Absolutely not.

He'd have been lucky if I didn't rip his face off (figuratively, not literally 🤣) before I walked out. No man is going to condescend to me that way. Nope nope nope.

I think a good rule of thumb is: if a man makes you doubt yourself or question your sanity for expressing your feelings, setting a boundary or otherwise just having opinions, he's the problem.

A) Passport photos can't be taken by private individuals, so this whole conversation is just bizarre and would put me on high alert.

B) Trying to blame you for doing things you didn't do and telling you what you did was wrong / criticizing you is yucky and a red flag for continued critical and manipulative behavior.

I would tell him than you for the chat time but you don't want another meet up. Block if you need to.

I had my passport photo taken at Walgreens drug store, they knew the format etc. I don’t think taking it myself was even an option

If he thought it was trivial, there are two ways he could have handled it.

First option, "Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I'm wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable, I'm just pretty informal."

Second option: gaslight you and be a dick.  

He chose #2.

Drop him and move on. 

Scary ass creep who doesn't understand consent, yeah I would cancel or ghost.

Wow, on the very first date you managed to learn the definitive answer to a very important question: "Will this person respect my 'no'". Good job.

Never date humans who do not respect your no. Period, end of paragraph, end of chapter.

NTA, you did nothing wrong

They asked something of you, you said no. It WAS a weird request, even if it's not something that's threatening or harmful.

The fact that they kept pushing is also weird. And to keep bringing it up, very very very weird. Just ignore this person moving forward. These are situations where, personally, I think it's perfectly fine to ghost.

I would say narcissist. Do NOT spend anymore time trying to figure it out. Just block.

The red flags are like neon red here. Ghost, block & do not look back. First date and he’s already told you a really crucial piece of evidence: he will NEVER take your no for an answer. He can’t even take your no over, a literal picture -

But also, like… i used to do passport pictures. And maybe you’re not in Canada where passport pictures are VERY strict, but I can’t imagine somewhere where there’s not at least some rules. So where was he planning to allow you to take these pictures? Was he bringing a whole camera on this date? And a plain backdrop? Or were yall going to his house? I have questions. And all of them kinda point me to a not good picture of the fact that idrk if he was really planning to have you do his passport picture tbh.

Hi u/Commercial-Pop68 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

I met somebody on tinder and we planned a meetup last weekend. About an hour before the date, he requested that I help take a picture of him on the date for applying for his passport which was expiring soon.

I thought it was a strange request and said no in a subtle way, ie. Asked him to seek help from his family or friends instead.

He insisted to which I felt uncomfortable and told him I'm having second thoughts of going ahead the date, which he then said I do not have to take the picture if I don't want to.

So I went ahead and met him as planned. During the date, he said it was an overreaction on my part to 'threaten to cancel the date over such a frivolous matter'.

I was surprised that informing him I may want to cancel the meetup is a 'threat'. He said that we're meeting in a public place and he said that nothing will happen to me if I just click the shutter, the phone will not explode etc, and not a reason to threaten to cancel on such frivolous matter. And I should not assume that he has family and friends that can help him with that. And that he values people's time and could have spent time with him mum instead of meeting me. And me not ghosting him is a 'such a low standard', and I should have a higher standard of just coming out to meet him and see what he has to say with the strange request.

Am I in the wrong that if do not want to go ahead to meet if his request makes it uncomfortable for me?

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Hi u/Commercial-Pop68 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

I met somebody on tinder and we planned a meetup last weekend. About an hour before the date, he requested that I help take a picture of him on the date for applying for his passport which was expiring soon.

I thought it was a strange request and said no in a subtle way, ie. Asked him to seek help from his family or friends instead.

He insisted to which I felt uncomfortable and told him I'm having second thoughts of going ahead the date, which he then said I do not have to take the picture if I don't want to.

So I went ahead and met him as planned. During the date, he said it was an overreaction on my part to 'threaten to cancel the date over such a frivolous matter'.

I was surprised that informing him I may want to cancel the meetup is a 'threat'. He said that we're meeting in a public place and he said that nothing will happen to me if I just click the shutter, the phone will not explode etc, and not a reason to threaten to cancel on such frivolous matter. And I should not assume that he has family and friends that can help him with that. And that he values people's time and could have spent time with him mum instead of meeting me. And me not ghosting him is a 'such a low standard', and I should have a higher standard of just coming out to meet him and see what he has to say with the strange request.

Am I in the wrong that if do not want to go ahead to meet if his request makes it uncomfortable for me?

ETA: What I really don't understand is - was what I said really a 'threat'? To someone I have never met.

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the replies - I learned a very valuable lesson about respecting boundaries from this. To add, passport photos are not that strict in my country and has recently helped my partner do it at home with a phone camera so his request is not as bizarre as it sounds. It's the fact that he doesn't have friends/family or even want to use the photo booth and had to ask a first date to help that made me go on high alert.

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