I would like to know from the experienced team…

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If I am dating Brooke (who is less experienced than I at poly, not that this matters) and they ask for my thoughts about a struggle, of course I am going to be receptive to helping. If they don't ask, I have to assume everything is going great. If they don't ask, timely intervention may not happen, and small issues may spiral too much to reign in later, causing things to fail spectacularly.

We all (not just Brooke!) need to be honest about how we are doing and seek assistance as needed. Some problems originate in how we think, so we can't just think our way out as that's how we got into the situation to begin with. It's like being stuck in a hole with a shovel. We know how we got here, and continuing to use the same tool set isn't going to suddenly change anything for the better; we'll just keep digging.

are you more open to that request or turned off?

I'd be super open to it, as long as I had the idea that they also did at least some self-guided learning.

Curiosity & info-sharing are some of my main expressive love languages. If I am into you (and if you enjoy it) I can basically become your unofficial research buddy :P

I find it absolutely effortless to introduce people to the relationship smorgasbord and to the non-escalator relationship menu, as well as to Polysecure, and more targeted info, such as the polyam videos by Watts the Safeword as a way to let them learn about all the various ways we try to have / build a have relationship.

I would probably do something like that anyway, just maybe on a different subject. Now, it is extra cool because we get to be relationship nerds together, and that is sexy.

If they want me to alter my practice, not at all. My practice is my practice for a reason.

If they want to ask me questions—sure, up to a point. A date that consists entirely of processing someone else’s feelings about our relationship or coaching them on dating and hingeing isn’t much of a date.

I don’t date monogamous people and I don’t advise anyone to. Newbie is a person who wanted polyamory for themselves before we even met, for their own reasons and for their own benefit. They need to focus on their own motivation.

It depends on the ask, and what I’m ready to invest in my connection with this person. This isn’t work I would take on for a stranger, but let’s say my current crush and I were dating and she needed some advice based on my years of experience: I’m happy to talk about my experiences with partners. But if she needed a lot of guidance from me, I would probably not feel comfortable with that. It’s too easy to take a more experienced partner’s values and preferences as gospel - I would really want to date people who come into the relationship with their own takes and opinions.

I won’t teach someone how to self soothe. I won’t teach someone how to behave well.

If they need small hand holding day to day I could live with that for someone whose issues were not about jealousy. And I’m happy to have big scheduled relationship chats. Assuming that they are planned and out dates don’t turn into them venting/processing. If the dating isn’t working as just plain dating then why are we doing all this work?

You’re worried I’ll forget you? I’m happy to text you a lot to show you I won’t. You can’t handle that I’m with other partners? No patience whatsoever.

It’s often unkind to coddle people. Be ruthlessly poly.

Taking a lead in what way? What does that specifically mean?

I don't understand the question. They want me to take the lead on managing my own...what? What are you actually asking?

My BF and I joke all the time about the noob who was opening her marriage that he took a chance on (aka: me) and how it seems to be going alright.... damn is it going alright. He was a decade into being poly when we met, and I was brand new to non-monogamy and dating and I was opening my marriage.

I think he was fine with my asking for his experiences and generally letting him lead in various ways. Communication was key, and he was always careful to couch things in "this is just my perspective", and I was always thoughtful about forming my own opinions. I was pretty well read and in touch with ENM best practices and sexual health information, but theory and practice really are two different things. So having his perspective to add to my information base was very helpful. Especially when it came to group sex, being able to game things out and hear what he had seen go well and go badly, allowed my group sex experiences to turn out mainly really positive.

However, we joke all the time about the noob he took a chance on because wow could it have been a total disaster for him, and I'm pretty sure others in his life were wondering what the hell he was doing. Good for me that he's a hopeless romantic.

So, now that I have my poly sea legs under me, would I do that for someone new? I'm literally in the midst of asking myself that very question right now, looking at a super hot dude who is smart and lovely except maybe not quite up on poly and ENM and he is opening his marriage..... and man it seems like a lot of risk for unknown gain..... ugh.... no idea. Ask me again in 6 months.....

If you choose someone who only wants this now because they came into your life, yeah they deserve a lot of hand holding and empowerment work. Recognizing even if you all do the best things at the best times it still likely won't be a good match long term.

I'm really bad at this so I'd probably discourage them from asking me. To much likelihood that it would end up on a breakup because I'd be like "hey of this is struggle for you I'm okay for us to just be friends".

I don't really understand why people struggle with polyamory. Both in the sense of "but why would you find this hard" and "but if you find this hard why would you do it at all".

I know there's plenty of people who find it difficult but worthwhile. I've just never found it difficult and I'm not sure I would be willing to pay through if I did. I might be lazy, I guess.

As someone who was recently new to poly, and adjusting out of mono, I wouldn't actually recommend anyone date someone in that situation.

Yes, this leaves the conundrum of "how do you get experience." The experience will still happen, and it will be painful, leaving broken hearts and wounded relationships.

Until that person learns how to not use intimate relationships to workshop the feels in other intimate relationships, at a minimum.

I mean, I invite people in the deep end and see what happens. That's where I live. They can hang or can't.

My current partner, when we met, asked my favorite ever noob question: "WTF is unicorn hunting even...people do that?"

The way I approach this, relationships are relationships. At the heart of it, the only thing I do differently is not agreeing to romantic or sexual exclusivity. 

If someone doesn't get that, then I'm not going to hold their hand. 

I dunno. My last experience with dating someone newer to poly ended with a lot of pain and suffering. For both of us. It has left me very hesitant to date anyone who doesn't have at least two partners for at least a couple/three years.

That might change as time goes by, hard to say.

I think that really depends on what "helping" means. I'm happy to hold space for feelings, to send along resources, to give people the benefit of the doubt, and stuff like that. I'm not here to be their therapist. And I'm also absolutely not entertaining things like temporary restrictions on my autonomy in the name of helping them, e.g., stuff like putting a pause on dating new people or limiting my activities with my other partners.

I mostly choose to date experienced people, the experience doesn't have to be much but the reading and discussion and understanding level does need to be higher than brand new to the idea. I'm not a gambling person so if I'm not very sure that a person is definitely sure about polyamory for all, and isn't going to prefer a different type of enm or even monogomy I'm just not going to risk it.

I have dated a few new to reading up on it, not new to the concept but zero experience people and it is hard work. I'm not going to be trying that again anytime soon.

how receptive are you to them asking you to take more of a lead in helping you adjust?

Not at all because there isn't anything I can do for someone else - they can only do it for themselves.

you know they’re actively working on adjusting out of mono

How would I know that? Like how would I actually know they are actively working on adjusting to anything? How am I supposed to gauge their activity and what are they askinge to do?

doing research, self reflection, and reaching out to other community members

This is not really in the practical application section of working on adjusting. This is gaining insight. Insight is the first step to active strategies in emotional regulation, emotional management, or self-growth. But Insight gaining is NOT signs of active change. It's signs of a willingness to change. And that's a fine line. You can read every book in the world, doesn't mean you do a single thing with anything you've read. It's easy to read a book or listen to a podcast. It is significantly harder to actively take the steps to change and grow (which typically is demonstrated through routine changes, behavioral changes, verbal reframing, distress tolerance increase, active coping skill usage etc).

how receptive are you to them asking you to take more of a lead in helping you adjust

I can't do magic. So this is a no from me, dawg.

I can't take a lead role in someone else adjusting to anything. I can be supportive (provide reasonable support and assurance that does not mean actively tanking my other relationships, work, or health).

I can reasonably respect their boundaries or state when I will not be able to do something they want me to do.

That said, I feel like anyone asking me to take the lead role in their emotional management and self regulation is not a partner I want to date.

Hi u/Ok_Assumption5038 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

If you’re dating someone new to poly, but you yourself are not new, and you know they’re actively working on adjusting out of mono, how receptive are you to them asking you to take more of a lead in helping you adjust? I know someone asking this needs to be clear on what that looks like for them, but if you know they’ve been doing research, self reflection, and reaching out to other community members for their insight - are you more open to that request or turned off?

I know this is subjective and I’m happy to provide more context if needed. I think the biggest hesitation for people wanting “help” in adjusting is that they’ll come off as not equipped for poly.

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I just started dating someone who is new to ENM. He's been reading, researching, listening to podcasts. He understands basic terms, principles, and concepts. He's curious about gaining insight from people with experience. He's single and wants this for himself (wasn't talking into it or opening an existing relationship).

I'm fine with this arrangement because he's demonstrated that he's "serious" about it, wants to ensure he's acting ethically and following best practices, etc. We just get to nerd out about the subject now and then.

To me, that's really different from someone who is actually looking to me for guidance. Yeah, I've been doing it for 5 years and learned a lot along the way, but I'm not an expert - and the way I practice poly might be entirely different from the way they'd want to do it, so my advice and "help" could be completely counterproductive for what they want to learn. That's why unicorn hunters get away with so much - they often find people brand new to poly and convince them that's what poly is supposed to look like.

Aside from that, I also don't want my dating experience being me teaching someone how to date properly. There are times in life I might have more patience for that, but I prefer to date people who already know what they want and what they want that to look like so I can assess compatibility early on.

I am newer to it as well so my opinion might not be as useful, but I think this depends on if you’re looking for someone to help you adjust emotionally versus logistically, for a lack of a better word, perhaps? Emotionally it is on you 100%, but I think it’s totally okay to ask for help adjusting to their dynamic by establishing expectations and boundaries. Every poly set up is different, and if you’re new it can be overwhelming knowing how it all works for them and their partners - nothing wrong with getting clarity on that imo. IF that’s what you’re after. And if so, maybe it’s transparency and more communication you should be asking for more so than a “leader.”

Came here to say, being someones training wheels is a waste of resources

I’m fine with being a guide but not to the point where I’m someone’s poly sherpa, particularly when it comes to making recommendations for their nesting relationship. I draw a pretty hard line around not advising on their primary relationship.