Wife (32F) told me she doesn’t want to be poly anymore

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If you don't want to jump to breaking up, you can spend some time journaling, talking to friends and/or a therapist, and really asking yourself if you can be happy in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life. I recommend setting a time limit on that thinking process (3 months?), so that you're not dragging it out indefinitely, or until you meet someone you're interested in and the whole thing feels a lot messier. Unfortunately, this may be a situation where it's better to break up when things are good than wait until things are bad.

When my spouse and I first discussed marriage in 1994, we didn't know what poly was, but he was very straightforward with me that he couldn't promise that he could be monogamous forever. We have a 17 year age difference and at 26 I couldn't imagine allowing my spouse to "cheat" on me. What I told him was I couldn't make any promises on how I would react in the future if he came to me and wanted to have sex with someone else, but that if we hit that place, I would listen and be open to his perspective. He said, he would be honest and never "cheat" but that he couldn't promise to be monogamous. We were monogamous for 20 years.

We first started by navigating swinging, but that didn't satisfy both of us as we are both very demisexual. We started transitioning to poly three years later and have been ever since. He hasn't had much luck with making and keeping poly partners (he believes it is his age). I have had a number of play partners over the years, but am now on my fourth actual long term boyfriend. He is 10 years older than me and we have been dating a year and a half.

I echo some of the suggestions you have gotten about exploring your own thoughts and feelings and sharing them with your partner. I would encourage you both to go to a poly friendly counselor/marriage therapist. Lastly, I would tell you one thing I told my husband many years ago. I might be able to believe I could control your actions (in the short term) but noone can control another's thoughts or heart. So, I will promise to always be honest with you if you will be with me and hopefully we will grow together and not apart, but only the Universe knows what is in store for us. 34 years later, new chapters of our story are still being written.

For me, it is more about having my personal autonomy than actually dating anyone. I haven't gone on more than a first date in almost 5 years... But I can't agree to be monogamous. I have also tried to do it before, and I felt like I had a ball and chain around my ankle--I didn't feel like my life was fully mine anymore--I couldn't stop wondering if one day I would meet someone and feel an instant connection, but be forced to ignore it instead of exploring it because I had made a promise I had never wanted to make...

You said you love having the freedom to explore... You said you felt you were betraying yourself to agreeing to monogamy... You are on reddit talking to us about this, so I assume you weren't thrilled to hear your wife say that she decided she just wants you and you forever and isn't willing to share you... So unless you suddenly think monogamy sounds exactly like the life you want... I think you should tell your wife that you will not stop being polyamorous as that is something you do not want to change about yourself.

Does she just not want to date or does she also want you to not date?

You’re getting some really weird advice in the comments! You are not wrong to have stopped dating if you didn’t feel compelled to seek new connections. It’s unfortunate your wife now wants monogamy. If it’s not something you also want, unfortunately it sounds like things have to end.

These are tough shoes to be in for each of you. Poly or not, people grow and values change often in surprising ways in relationships and marriage right? So I’d try to steer clear of the heartache of questioning who is at fault, and definitely do not feel obligated to be a martyr for the sake of trying to “make it work” and ticking that box - you sound very clear that this won’t work for you because you thrive on the feeling of freedom. Even if you wanted to bargain here, it is not even a question of how you can compromise because it is the concept of freedom that you desire. It hasn’t much to do with the number of people you see at any given time, it’s more of a lens that you want to view the world through, it feels right. You don’t have to try to go against yourself just to prove that you can’t be happy that way, you don’t owe that to anyone. Try to be grateful for the clarity you do have here and stand in your truth even if it’s uncomfortable and painful in this moment. If there was an undertone of shame there on your part or some question of whether this was authentically you that would be a different conversation, but your clarity really strikes me as something you need to honor. It will be the healthier road for you both and you simply can’t know what the future holds,we can only be authentic today and hope it leads us where we are supposed to go. What is not right for you cannot be right for her either, even if she doesn’t have the clarity you have on this right now.

It’s a recipe for toxicity and resentment no matter how pure the intentions are to be with the person you currently love IF you are clear on your identity and desires in life and you can see you aren’t compatible on those anymore. It’s an emotional minefield and not a recipe for a happy marriage or happy individuals to betray yourself no matter how good your intentions are or how much you may wish you could flip a switch ; the fact that you recognise this feels like betrayal at your core and are so strong in your words tells me you want to say this and be accepted. Show up for yourself and honor your feelings, you’ll both be glad you did sooner than later.

Best of luck 🙏🏼

Now I feel I’m at the same spot once again, but this time I’m married, this time we both agreed at the start of the relationship that we were going to be polyamorous. I know she can opt out anytime she wants, is her life and her decision on how to live it.

But she can't decide for you. She can choose to not date others but she can't turn the relationship mono unilaterally any more than you can open a monogamous one unilaterally. "I do not want monogamy and I will not agree to it, now or in the future. I understand if that means our relationship is done because you want reciprocal monogamy now, but I nothing has changed for me, and thus I don't consent to monogamy"

I don’t know if I’ll ever be with someone else in a relationship besides her, I’m not pursuing it, nor looking for someone. I just love having the freedom to follow my heart if someday happens.

This is how I feel. And I can't tell you what to do, but for me that freedom and being in polyamorous relationships trumps any individual relationship.

Firstly, I’m just so sorry you’re finding yourself here again. And I’m sorry it is with someone you love to the point of marriage. I’m no expert and I know you have asked for advice, but I’m just chiming in to say you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. I’m in the same boat now with my fiance (tho we have called off the engagement), and we have been together 6 years, entertaining openness from the start. He now wants to retract polyamory and I’m finding myself in the place you’re likely in now, which is; a gut feeling of maybe realizing a fundamental difference in what you want out of life which if ignored, will always mean one of you is unhappy. We only get this one life and we have to be bold. However difficult. I’m wishing you the very best and please keep in mind, there is no rush to act. But listen to your gut and trust yourself. 🫶

She can totally stop being poly. While you continue to be poly 🤷🏻‍♀️ she's allowed to decide things for herself, but not for you. If she doesn't like that then she can leave.

Mono poly relationships can be very difficult, they're quite a bit different than the usual poly relationships. But they can work.

I would tell her that you aren’t going to change your relationship style but that you don’t see yourself dating anyone in the near future and ask if she wants to continue things until and/or if that ever happens.

Her choice for her not to date. She knew you were poly before marriage and was cool with it. She doesn't get to demand that you change who you are after you say I do.

Hi u/Happier_milo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

We have been married for two years and four in total at the relationship. I (35M) met her while I was actively dating others. Soon after I met F (33F) and I had a relationship that lasted over a year with her. I haven’t had my other significant relationship with someone else since.

The other day we were talking about our future and she told me she didn’t wanted me to have another partner, that she did not want to be in that situation again. She knows this exact same thing happened to me before, a girl I loved did the same thing and I broke with her and it was really painful for me. I tried to be monogamous for her and it didn’t worked, I felt I was betraying myself while I was trying.

Now I feel I’m at the same spot once again, but this time I’m married, this time we both agreed at the start of the relationship that we were going to be polyamorous. I know she can opt out anytime she wants, is her life and her decision on how to live it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be with someone else in a relationship besides her, I’m not pursuing it, nor looking for someone. I just love having the freedom to follow my heart if someday happens.

I would really love to have some perspective and advice on how to handle this

Thanks in advance

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I think you know that you should divorce her, but you want to hear that from others too.

If you don’t know that - then I’m saying it’s the logical, yet unfortunate choice. If you both stay together - with her not wanting polyamory, and you not wanting monogamy - it could never work. (And yes I am aware it can work if she chose not to date others but was okay with you doing so, but this seems like that isn’t the case either.)

How does she feel about possibly her being monogamous while you're polyamorous? I've known a lot of marriages like this.

Don’t date mono people. It’s gonna happen and you are just inviting drama and this to happen.

You get a divorce. I don’t know what advice you really expect here, but if she isn’t fine being monogamous while you date, that’s the last option.

As someone who is new to polyamory and still getting used to the heartbreak, try to consider her heart. Maybe she’s afraid of losing you to someone else.

I think you need to have a conversation where you put your worries about what this means for your relationship to one side, and try to understand what's changed for her in this time. It might be that something else has happened in her life, that doesn't have much to do with you, that's made her feel less secure in your relationship - perhaps she feels like monogamy is the solution to that, when it might not address the root of the issue. It might be a lack of trust that you need to address before you can have other partners again. It might be that she's thinking about your future together, and can't see what that looks like with other people involved - but polyamory might look different as you age anyway. Lots to explore, these are just examples.

I think it's probably also worth reflecting on why this has made you panic, even though you haven't had any other partners for years at this point. Do you still have a desire to have multiple partners? It might be that the answer is no, and that that that is an unexpected change to how you view yourself.

It seems like you've been hurt before by a previous partner in a similar situation, but this relationship isn't that relationship. Your current partner will have different reasons for changing her view on this. It's only once you understand why her view has changed that you can move forward - whether that's together or apart.

Hi u/Happier_milo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

We have been married for two years and four in total at the relationship. I (35M) met her while I was actively dating others. Soon after I met F (33F) and I had a relationship that lasted over a year with her. I haven’t had my other significant relationship with someone else since.

The other day we were talking about our future and she told me she didn’t wanted me to have another partner, that she did not want to be in that situation again. She knows this exact same thing happened to me before, a girl I loved did the same thing and I broke with her and it was really painful for me. I tried to be monogamous for her and it didn’t worked, I felt I was betraying myself while I was trying.

Now I feel I’m at the same spot once again, but this time I’m married, this time we both agreed at the start of the relationship that we were going to be polyamorous. I know she can opt out anytime she wants, is her life and her decision on how to live it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be with someone else in a relationship besides her, I’m not pursuing it, nor looking for someone. I just love having the freedom to follow my heart if someday happens.

I would really love to have some perspective and advice on how to handle this

Thanks in advance

Edit:

Thanks very much for all your advice and perspective. After a very painful conversation we agreed to end things and pursue happiness in our own individual way

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Is having this freedom more important than having this marriage?

Tell her this is the path to resentment if she really wants to risk it.

Grown up and stop thinking your young and single