Submissions by Far-Quiet3972

12d

I wouldn’t say I prefer monogamy. I would say I’m used to it. Even though I was initially shocked, I feel quite comfortable with my decision. We talked about this a lot and still do. I think this brought us together more closely. But you might be right. Maybe I fucked everything up and just postponed a divorce. But for now everything looks fine and we will see… I rather fail trying something new than just destroying everything I build over the last decade because of principles I was raised on.

Married with kids and new to polyamory

polyamory

Far-Quiet3972

12d

Although I disagree with your assessment, I’m thankful for your input. You clearly have more experience in poly relationships and therefore I value your point of view.

Married with kids and new to polyamory

polyamory

Far-Quiet3972

-1

13d

Well I did not get into all details. Sorry for that. I know him for at least 7 years. Our kids know him as a friend that sometimes comes by to play games, watch movies or for dinner. My wife knows him for almost 20 years. We hang out together and like one another. That was also the problem I had when she confessed her feelings for him to me. I generally am not jealous or feel threatened by other man, because we have special interests and humor that are very rare in our generation and especially the rural area we live in. I always was interested in opening up the relationship sexually as we did in the past, but emotionally and romantically was new to me especially because we have a lot in common. That’s why I initially wouldn’t agree. They startet rekindling their friendship a year ago and my wife started to have feelings towards him that were more than friendship and at first tried to ignore them. As soon as she noticed he had the same feelings for her she told me. So it’s not just a crush. I also wouldn’t say it’s poly under duress, because if I wouldn’t have agreed, everything would have continued as is, since both of them wouldn’t break up our marriage. The permission based rules were simply in place to ease me into it and to protect the family. I could have been more clear on the fact that my feelings were just initially like this, because I’m an overthinker and I see vague possibilities where others might not. As dhowjfiwka guessed correctly we talked about this a lot and thought it through. My wife is really careful and sensitive about this and also asks me if she can tell me things about him. Our communication improved a lot and we three are still meeting up together even though we have no dates together. Concerning the kids we will see where this takes us. We will not lie to them, but as long as they don’t ask we won’t tell them. And since we are not open about it in public or to the family, they cannot be told by anyone else. We talked about therapy and will start as soon as we find someone that takes new clients and that we can afford, since this is a problem where we live. I should also say that I’m currently very happy with this arrangement and mainly wanted to tell another perspective on things. But your thoughts and concerns are always welcome.

Married with kids and new to polyamory

polyamory

Married with kids and new to polyamoryI am new

Hi! I’m new to the whole poly thing and started looking here for some insights. My wife and I are married for 12 years and have 2 kids (11&9). When we started dating I knew that she was bisexual and had had a relationship with a woman in the past. Early on in our relationship we had a threesome with another woman and I loved it and also fantasized about repeating it in the future. A couple of month ago my wife dropped the polybomb, basically telling me that she had feelings for another man and would want to kiss and date him. I was unprepared and in shock. Next day we talked about it a little more and this helped, even though I didn’t quite agree. After that she went to her friends to tell him what she told me and spent some time. It was the first time in years I cried really hard. My feelings at the time were:

am I not good enough in bed? I stood through all of this, 2 births, miscarriage and so on to be replaced like this. I will die alone.

I was hurt and I told her about my feelings in a way I probably hadn’t done in any relationship so far. This helped a lot and she did understand. She told me that she wouldn’t persue it if I am against it, but also that she is happy with our marriage and that she loves me and would never leave me. I told her that I need some time to process this and that she could still meet with her friend but I would feel more secure if she would do it in public places. It felt as if a weight was lifted off of her and also that we as a couple had found a new level of communication. After a couple of weeks continuing like before but with more openness, I told her that I would be fine with it if we put up some rules. 1. Family always comes first 2. We won’t tell the kids (one of them is emotionally unstable) 3. She needed to get on birth control (we were talking about this before, for medical reasons and we did not want a third child since we are 40ish and don’t want to risk anything. 4. We are honest with one another 5. We are transparent and discuss any next step when we reach it

My thoughts on this and the reasons why I opened up our marriage is: - I know she will not leave me for another man as long as the children are not adults since we have a lot of friends that are children of divorce and most of them are still struggling because of that in their 30s - if I won’t let her do it now she will probably do it in 10 years when the kids have moved out - by that time she might resent me for it and leave me, so in the end I would be alone - since our communication improved already by it I was curious to see what else would - I understand that she enjoys the time of just being an adult without kids in close proximity - I also know that it helps her to talk about everything to a person she loves and has no shared responsibility with

We continued and everything went well. A couple of weeks later, she asked me if it would be ok if she kissed him because she really longed for it. I slept on it and told her the next day that I’m fine with it. Our relationship blossomed and so did our intimacy. A couple of weeks later she asked if she could stay over night and again after a night of sleep I told her that I’m fine with it. I knew nothing was going to happen because I trust her to ask me first. My wife will always make sure I’m ok before she leaves to go to him and gives me extra attention to make it easier for me (not because I ask her to) A couple of weeks later she asked me in advance if it would be okay if she would go on a 2 day vacation with him. At first I was reluctant and a little evasive. This time it took me a week to think about it and to make up my mind. I told her that she could do it and also that I would be fine if they had sex as long as they use condoms (as a secondary contraceptive). I offered it because I knew how hard this question would come to her. Her mind was blown and she was really happy. So that’s where we are at the moment.

I’m still only interested in a relationship with my wife and don’t have time between my job, kids and hobbies to romance anyone else. I know her secondary partner and we sometimes hang out, have a barbecue, play games and so on.

polyamory

13d