i’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you are neurodivergent and she is neurotypical and you have mostly subconsciously self selected out of close relationships with purely neurotypical people in your adult life. because what you describe sounds a lot like a tricky metamour situation i had last year. you could spend many more hours analyzing her behavior and trying to make sense of it, or you could just accept that you can’t figure her out because you’re not playing the same game. accept it for what it is - you two are not a good match - and require better hinging from your partner. and be generous and give her the benefit of the doubt. if she’s truly acting out of malice, it denies her the satisfaction, and either way you get to be proud of yourself for living up to your values.

love it!

this is so cool - i had no idea someone translated it to German!

since i put the menu out into the world a couple of years ago people have done great things to make it work for them. i love the google doc and web form that others have shared up thread. the google doc makes it really easy to copy and customize for your own needs, including adding a “does not matter” option. having used this in several relationships myself since i put it together, i agree that “maybe” was overly broad. :)

This is the best book I’ve found. It covers so many of the common topics and misconceptions that come up in this sub and others, from a place of compassion and respect for all parties. The concepts of differentiation and recommendations about how to set up successful agreements are really well done and so helpful. It’s a big book so can be intimidating, but the author has a Medium blog that would be a lighter start for a true newbie.

Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) https://a.co/d/20U7g8J

this 100%. monogamy is great if that’s what you and your partner choose! i just wish it wasn’t the presumed default setting in society.

Since your libido is coming back and you’ve enjoyed group activities in the past, why not try a swingers event or something? Go in with no expectations other than to enjoy the vibes, and maybe it’ll spark something.

many men are vile and uncaring but many aren’t, and women can be vile and uncaring too. if his concern is actually you having vile and uncaring partners than OPP is not the best way to prevent that. he probably wants the OPP because of his own insecurities, though, and is therefore demonstrating the vile uncaring attitude he claims to want to protect you from.

i’ve had the same experience. i think they list them incorrectly because high rise are more desirable

Honestly if you’re going to lie, seems like the more beneficial lie would be to just claim to be single. Not like women are rushing the stands to sleep with enm guys.

wow the worst people are out in this forum today. where did she ever say, in her original post or any follow up, that she wanted to do it? she said her husband asked her to do it for years before she agreed. she followed him out until he told her to go back and resume. she probably thought he would be upset if she didn’t continue.

Have rich parents.

You can always respond to the question with: “I’m looking for X in order to make a move.”

What’s your current salary? I’m looking for $80k in order to make a move. That’s in range but I need to know your current salary. That’s private information.

what op posted isn’t dadt. she knows who he is with and when. she just doesn’t want any details of their time together. that is not dadt, it’s having personal boundaries.

do the typical “poly people have no game” thing and just put it out there. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and connecting as friends. I also find you attractive and would be open to exploring more romantic or sexual dynamics, if that appeals to you. If not, no worries, I value our friendship as it is!”

I’m in r/poly too and wouldn’t have ostracized you. I don’t think any situation is always “bad” and a lot of the reasons people view OPPs as “bad” are because they often come from a patriarchal, heteronormative male desire, and frequently only apply to limit the women’s interactions. That isn’t what’s going on here. You and your partner have an existing non-monogamous relationship with mutually agreed upon boundaries. You want to expand those boundaries, she doesn’t. I think the fact that she’s been willing to have these conversations with you and talk openly about the possibility is important. She isn’t interested in doing a ton of reading or research—many people aren’t! I’m ADHD and tend to hyperfixate and research things I’m interested in obsessively. My spouse does not. When we first started exploring poly, I did all the research and reading and podcasts and he… did not. But we had a lot of conversations and I shared bits of things I had read as they were relevant, and we’ve slowly gotten to a place where he is comfortable hearing about my encounters with both men and women (we were never opp but were dadt (gasp!) for me dating men). When the time is right, I think you should continue to share some of your learnings with your partner and talking to her about it. Eventually you might start to explore why the idea of you with other women makes her so much more uncomfortable than you with men. Eventually she may start being interested in dating men. These things evolve and change over the course of a relationship, and I would not view any conversation as the “final decision.” This is the decision for present and near future, but if this is a lifetime partnership, you are both going to grow and change a lot during your time together. So, this becomes a topic to put on the back burner for now, while continuing occasional conversations and check ins (you should check in regularly on comfortability with your current open arrangements even if you don’t have a desire to change—it’s a good habit!) and who knows what the future may bring.

Awesome! Thanks for sharing ❤️

So, your position is that she should have initiated a divorce? Assuming, in her view, their conversation went something like this: W: I can not stay in a monogamous marriage. Can we consider nonmonogamy. OP: I am very upset by the idea of nonmonogamy. W: I don’t think I can stay married then. OP: I don’t want to lose you. Do whatever you need to do to stay married, what I don’t know won’t hurt me.

It’s a lose-lose scenario for all parties. But I don’t think there is one obvious ethical answer and all other answers are not ethical in that circumstance.

I agree that OPs wife was inconsiderate of his feelings but don’t consider this cheating with his explanation. It sounds like she (fairly) interpreted their conversation as landing on a DADT agreement, and he did not (also fairly). Both needed to communicate more clearly, but once DADT is established, it can reduce communication even further. Wife could have thought: he said to do what I need to do and don’t tell him. If I initiate conversation again about it I will be hurting him and doing what he asked me not to do. I wish I could talk to him about it but I will respect his wishes.

sure, feel free to use. no need to credit

i was so excited to meet other people in their 30s in similar life stages and then i realized i’m not 35 yet 😂 😭

halsey! girl is a gun or whispers

It’s very common for women to have sex when we don’t actually want to because it seems like the path of least resistance in the moment. It took me a long time to break that cycle and I still struggle with it sometimes. It can also be really hard to identify your feelings in the moment and know for sure if you do/don’t want to try something when passions and hormones are running high. All this to say your experience is very understandable and normal and you should allow yourself to feel uncomfortable about the experience without blaming yourself for going along with it in the moment. I agree with others that this is something worth communicating about with your partner. You do not even need to make it specific to that one situation. You could approach it from a perspective of having learned something about yourself. E.g. wow, i’m having some negative reactions to that experience that i didn’t expect. in the future, i want to make sure to go slow when introducing a new partner to our dynamic so i have time to check in and process my feelings, and assert boundaries if I need them.

Your other threesome isn’t really relevant here though I get how it can feel that way. Remember the fries acronym: consent should be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. Consenting to one threesome doesn’t mean you consent to all of them. Consenting to playing together initially doesn’t mean you can’t reverse it. Not saying your partner or his partner violated your consent here in the situation you described, but FRIES is the standard you would apply to others. It’s also helpful to use it with yourself as a check in to evaluate whether you want to engage in/continue a sexual encounter.

you have a good head on your shoulders and a solid relationship base from the sound of it. give yourself the time/space that you need. then learn those skills and… give me a call? 😉

seriously though, sounds like you found some cool new friends and you’re going to take some great things away from this situation in the end. be kind to yourself while you get there.