Yes. The way I view the world impacts the words I use. Same with other folks
I realize that most folks who use “Girlfriend” on a polyam subreddit are talking about a romantic partner.
I don’t correct them, or worry about it because it’s clear what they mean
It’s just as clear as when they say partner.
🤷♀️
I would say a lot of the reasons given plus one.
You are on a vacation with another partner. You gave that time to someone else
While your partner might be cool giving some time with me, i wouldn’t feel good taking it.
My girlfriends are my besties. They are my friends who are femme My partners are romantic And sexual.
Why are you talking to her about it?
Be mad at your hinge, maybe, if you wanted To be married, instead.
Oh Right. And our lives have never shifted, And we have always had the same dynamics our entire lives 😂😂
Or have hierarchy. Or kids.
Since RA is not, in fact a flavor or style of polyam, but a broad, over arching theory centered around the import we give people as people vs roles in our life, I always get a giggle when someone like this dude shows up.
I know monogamous RA folks.
There’s nothing more likely to amuse than an ill informed opinion.
Because they are all my partners?
Some of us don’t have a primary girlfriend or husband.
Be super super clear. Like painfully, exceedingly clear.
Hey babe, I want to end our exclusivity, both romantically and sexually. I wanna fuck around and fall in love. And you can have that, too.
And we will never be each other’s “only” love.
Does that sound like something you and I could do together, or naw? “
Somethings to ponder:
- Can you focus on your partner, during this discussion?
Look, you’re curious, and polyam sounds very appealing. Plus you feel like this might be your missing piece to self-identity.
That’s great, but…
Very often, apparently, one partner can react in pretty big ways to this disclosure. It’s pretty important that you listen and validate your partner. It’s pretty important that you be willing and able to answer truthfully, while being honest and compassionate
- Are you willing to end things before things go absolutely sideways?
This means really talking honestly about what happens if they really hate it, from jump.
“Yes, that does mean we would break up, probably. I would want us to be in a place where that wouldn’t hurt either of us financially, and I have thought about housing. But even if we don’t break up, I think us having enough autonomy to make us a choice, is super important to me”
Make it clear that you understood that this announcement could signal an end for you two, and you have given a lot to how to end this compassionately.
Marrieds, absolutely planning on giving the most to ending this marriage.
- Be painfully honest if there is someone that sparked this desire.
“Yes, I have been entertaining fantasies of a life with Willow”
“I fucked a dude at a gas station”
“I’m fucking your best friend”
“I have a massive crush on Amy”
“I am having an emotional affair with Ben”
Be willing to own, that no matter what your identity is in two years or thirty years, that mono peeps catch feels all the time. Give that to your partner.
All of that would be pretty key, to me.
Edit:
4.
Stop researching right now.
Tell your partner all you know, with full disclosure
“but I could be wrong because I haven’t looked into past a certain point. I stopped when I realized I Valued our relationship and what we have, and so I want to have this talk before I move down this road.
I want to know if you want to learn about this path with me”
That’s, like, if you’re not willing to stay in monogamy with him.
If you’re just genuinely curious if he’s really interested in doing this, and would stay in monogamy if he asked, then just say
“Babe we talk about being open but we never talk about when. Why is that? “
🤷♀️
Everyone has limits, and someone who says they have no limits…😬
Instead of being shocked, have you engaged?
Some of these folks are not polyam at all, some of these folks are new, and I would just suggest engaging with your community members. It may be semantics, they may be super green and lack knowledge. You never know here
Locked while we sort through rep
I mean, if I had a dime for every time someone describes something truly awful and says “but I didn’t say no”.
That is the low bar for consent.
I’d like to think the stuff that I find joy in are going to be more appealing than that.
Normal people, in normal situations just say “we stopped being in love.”
“We drifted apart”
Normal people don’t say “oh!! I can’t/won’t talk about that!”
OP, if you feel 100 percent safe (which you clearly don’t ), or if you weren’t in immediate danger (which you might be) feel free to increase your risk and your children’s risk of harm.
Otherwise feel free to stroll past that particular piece of advice.
Stay safe.
So, you know, other things that more people, in general, should do when they decide they are going to explore, and announce this to their partner:
- Be willing to focus on your partner, and not on you.
Look, you’re curious, and polyam sounds very appealing. Plus you feel like this might be your missing piece to self-identity.
That’s great, but…
Very often, apparently, one partner can react in pretty big ways to this disclosure. It’s pretty important that you listen and validate your partner. It’s pretty important that you be willing and able to answer truthfully, while being honest and compassionate
- Be willing to end things before things go absolutely sideways.
This means really talking honestly about what happens if they really hate it, from jump. (This isn’t really all that important to you, at 8 months)
“Yes, that does mean we would break up, probably. I would want us to be in a place where that wouldn’t hurt either of us financially, and I have thought about housing. But even if we don’t break up, I think us having enough autonomy to make us a choice, is super important to me”
Make it clear that you understood that this announcement could signal an end for you two, and you have given a lot to how to end this compassionately.
Marrieds, absolutely planning on giving the most to ending this marriage.
- Be painfully honest if there is someone that sparked this desire.
“Yes, I have been entertaining fantasies of a life with Willow”
“I fucked a dude at a gas station”
“I’m fucking your best friend”
“I have a massive crush on Amy”
“I am having an emotional affair with Ben”
Be willing to own, that no matter what your identity is in two years or thirty years, that mono peeps catch feels all the time. Give that to your partner.
All of that would be pretty key, to me.
Edit:
Stop researching right now.
Tell your partner all you know, with full disclosure
“but I could be wrong because I haven’t looked into past a certain point. I stopped when I realized I Valued our relationship and what we have, and so I want to have this talk before I move down this road.
I want to know if you want to learn about this path with me”
“I’m not comfortable answering that, and I don’t think it’s any of your business. That’s private to me, and I would feel very uncomfortable airing ex’s dirty laundry like that. Feel free to ask them though!”
This is not the answer of someone who’s ex is a good, safe human
I mean, asking your partner in a low key way “hey, have you ever wanted to explore polyam, or any other flavor of being open? “
Is much different than announcing “I’m polyam, strap in”
It’s one thing to say “I might like this thing. Is this a thing you might like?”
It’s another to say “this is the thing I am! Suck it up”
Especially when so many people try polyam and hate it.
I mean, I’m clear. I think status symbols, and status seeking, in general are/is shallow, empty and vain.
I think driving around a city and suburbs in a high performance vehicle in an urban area is a bid for attention. You don’t always get positive attention.
Thus when he parked his car outside of my house, and it got vandalized, I shrugged. The fact that he did too, was key.
He knows it’s not his best attribute. I do too. Nobody’s perfect.
It has nothing to do with his bank account.
Then it probably wasn’t worth mentioning here?
My boyfriend had something similar on his profile, And I thought “oh I could never date someone like that. But I could fuck them a couple of times”
9 years later, here we are.
We do have ground rules. He never ever tells me how much money he’s spent on something, unless he wants me to tell him what a colossal waste of money it is.
I also told him I would never be impressed by dollars, or monetary success, and all I want and need is to know that he’s happy, thriving, and doing the things that bring him joy.
Or you could put it on your profile
“Capitalism’s been good to me and I enjoy expensive toys. If that’s a problem, we shouldn’t match”
So you do care, and you should ask about those things.
You should care enough to ask:)
“Hey you’re getting your PhD in Marxist theory?
Is my love of expensive cars and embrace of capitalism going to be an issue?”
I have lot of careers and lifestyles I filter out. Saves time.
Add Marxist PhD candidate to your short list of “due disclosure” folks.
People that were dissapointing on date 2?
Man, that’s all apps for me. There are a lot of dissapointing incompatible people out there.
What kind of security do you want and need, and what kind of hurt?
Confused? New? Not new? Have questions?
polyamory