Me being upset that I was not informed about a proposal that affected future plans.
Meta "I don't have to tell you anything, as far as the poly tree goes you are not part of my relationship"
I never agreed to a poly tree in the first place whatever that is? I feel roped into it.
It's hard to give advice with so little information. Would you say more about what your relationship agreements are with your partner (as opposed to your meta, which I assume to be your partner's partner)? Have you agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship with your partner?
ETA: If I have the details right, leaving aside the "poly tree" figure of speech, what your meta said is correct in substance: you aren't in a relationship with them. You should probably be discussing {whatever this is} with your partner directly.
I don’t think there’s enough context her to provide advice.
Also why would you meta need to inform you of things when you’re not dating them? Talk to the hinge (your partner)
Also is a “poly tree” a polycule or something else. Please give more context 😅😅
Exactly this. Meta is right. Hinge is not hinging
I went into a "polycule", I am apparently now in a "poly tree" against my will...
Against your will? Honey. A "poly tree" is not some new relationship configuration, your meta was just describing the polycule you're already in. They didn't unilaterally change the shape of your relationship. But your partner may have done that by accepting the proposal.
I haven't heard the expression "poly tree" before. Did the people involved describe what it means?
Are these labels describing the unexpected appearance of a hierarchy in which you are less of a priority?
I just saw that OP meant that meta proposed to their partner. This all makes more sense now.
Meta is still correct, they have no reason to consult you on that. Hinge should be explaining how things should go from here.
What has your partner said about all this? Meta is kind of a non factor in all this
Also could you define “poly tree?” I see it mentioned a few times but without context, it doesn’t help.
I think you’re distorting the fact and playing with semantics at this point because you really want to blame meta.
Let me put this simply for you.
From your response: - you enthusiastically decided to be poly with someone. - they have a partner Emma. - Emma is not dating you. - Emma told you as far as they are concerned they do not owe you a discussion/consideration as they are not dating you. They made the plan with their partner. Period.
If I got these info right, then majority will tell you that Emma is in The right here.
It doesn’t matter if you consented to poly tree, polycule, poly hexagon or poly whatever the ever loving structure it is. Don’t try to play semantics and misuse the term consent.
Meta owes you nothing, go complain to your partner.
Sorry in my distress I left out the important part. My partner didn't even discuss with me. I was upset at her not the meta.
In fact on the call the meta said "I don't have to discuss anything with you" when I was telling my partner that my partner should have talked to me.
Not the meta.
For example. Did the meta surprise your partner with the proposal? Then they couldn’t discuss this prior.
Was your partner aware of this and was anticipating the proposal? Then she doesn’t want your input on this because that’s her relationship and that’s how she wants to proceed.
Frankly these are kind of the things you discuss before you date someone. As in what their plans are around marriage and nesting and kids. So that this type of disappointment can be avoided.
She told me that just like me she was against marriage as it's a "mesopotamian construct for ownership" and I couldn't agree more.
This was said when I questioned her about it.
"Me and 'M' have talked about it and To us it is a new part of our partnership and when she asked me it felt right to say yes I have never felt like that so I want to try, the reason I felt like that before was cause I have witnessed so many people suffer in marriage but for me and her I don’t feel worried"
Which while a sweet gesture and all goes against everything we discussed.
It also tells you where you stand, and where they stand.
Nothing wrong with it. But does it work for you?
Most of the time marriage creates an inherent hierarchy, and this is basically announcing their commitment to hierarchy. Does this align with your value? Would you be happy down the line?
These are what you should be thinking. I understand that you were distressed, but when we’re distressed we hang onto wrong things that we feel triggered our negative emotions, for example the “poly tree” thing for you.
Put everything aside, take some time to yourself and decide if you are well and trying going to be happy with “I really dunno what’s going on but I love you” and then subject yourself to further of these impulsive decisions from your partner.
And I just wanted to add, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
In fact on the call the meta said "I don't have to discuss anything with you" when I was telling my partner that my partner should have talked to me.
Why was the meta on the call with your partner when you started discussing it in the first place? Talk about bad hinging...
They were visiting for the first time spending a few weeks together and that's when the engagement happened.
I wanted meta there to express my disapproval of bad communication in the first place. Meta didn't have to do anything, but hinge should have at least discussed with me as it's a big hierarchical change that does affect things legally. If not that, I mean at least out of respect...
They were visiting for the first time spending a few weeks together and that's when the engagement happened.
How is this relevant? You couldn't wait for your partner to get home? Not be in the car with meta? Have privacy to discuss? Taken time to process before you said anything?
I wanted meta there to express my disapproval of bad communication in the first place.
Thats controlling. Meta has nothing to do with your anger at your partner or your unreasonable desire for your partner to pause big life moments with other partners to text you.
Neither of those things are okay to expect or ask for, not really. Stop bringing your meta into your conversations with your partner. No wonder she told you to it wasn't her problem.. You keep trying to involve her. She has no responsibility to you.
Meta didn't have to do anything, but hinge should have at least discussed with me as it's a big hierarchical change that does affect things legally.
He still can discuss it with you. Or do you mean your meta should have discussed it prior to saying yes? Yeah, thats not gonna happen in healthy polyam. even a partner would not not agree to having to ask permission from one partner for progressing another relationship or kissing, or taking any relationship steps. Or date anyone who has that agreement. It's faar too controlling.
And big hierarchical changes absolutely do affect things for you, legally and personally. And you get to decide where your relationship with your partner goes and whether it continues at all. But you don't get to make demands of your meta or their relationship.
I wanted meta there to express my disapproval of bad communication in the first place.
This is really inappropriate behaviour. I would break up with a partner for berating another partner of mine.
Side note: can those downvoting the OP explain why? OP is answering a question honestly, and explaining their frame of mind during the conversation. Was the OP supposed to lie? Not answer? I'm sincerely confused..
Downvotes are (probably, I am not a lurker so might not have their mindset down) how lurkers indicate disapproval with what OP did, rather than the fact OP answered honestly.
Well they clearly disapprove of me even asking 🤣
I appreciate your concern and that you genuinely want to help with my growth rather than put me down. ♥️
Proposal as in?? There is not enough information to give true advice here
They proposed to our partner...
Been there, done that--and I mean, I literally was invited to the gathering at which my meta proposed to my partner, saw everything, and I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen until it happened.
Yes. It sucks. Yes, I felt hurt by my meta since we did have a bit of a friendship and it was a shock to me.
But, if your meta wants to propose to your partner without telling you... That's their choice. You can't control them no matter how you feel about it. You can choose to not continue any friendship or other type of relationship you have with them if you feel wronged... You can ask your partner to go more parallel with your relationships... You can ask your partner to try to express your feelings to your meta on your behalf to reach some kind of peace agreement... But you can't control your meta and you haven't been "roped into" anything--because no one ever told you that you would be able to control your meta.
Whether your partner says "yes" to a marriage proposal is in the control of your partner. If your partner said "yes" and you are upset about your partner's answer, that is a problem you have with your partner--not your meta.
That’s definitely a big change. But I have to agree with the meta. It isn’t their job to tell you
Even if it affects future plans in a relationship dynamic I did not consent to?
Yes. Now it is up to your hinge to communicate with you about this change
You consented to a poly relationship
Yes. Now it is up to your hinge to communicate with you about this change
SERIOUSLY. Would be bizarre for meta to tell OP.
Exactly. I definitely think it’s a big deal. And I understand OP being upset. But this is now a much bigger issue that their partner needs to be ready to communicate
I definitely think it’s a big deal.
Oh yes. Huge.
And I understand OP being upset.
I would say disappointed, but yes. Some potential paths have just disappeared.
You right you right. I am not the best at tone to be honest
I'm more upset that my hinge didn't discuss it beforehand, though it was a surprise proposal she could have messaged and said "we need to discuss something serious"
Nope. Would effectively give you a say in things. That is NOT the way to do it. A couple decides the course of their relationship by themselves then informs other affected parties as gently as possible.
Your meta doesn’t need to do that. As they said. They are not in a relationship with you. They do not need to discuss future plans with you
That is up to your partner to discuss that with all their partners. Why are you putting the work of your partner onto your meta?
"I'm more upset that my hinge didn't discuss it beforehand, though it was a surprise proposal she could have messaged and said "we need to discuss something serious"
When did I say Meta?
Sorry I’m half asleep. Who are you expecting to send you a message and say “we need to discuss something serious?”
So you want your partner to pause a very important and intimate moment to text you immediately about the possible change? I mean, you can ask for that I guess, but I don't know a single polyam person who'd actually say yes to that.
No I didn't expect her to decline. It could have gone.
Accept the engagement
Tell meta that words need to be had with me out of respect.
Discuss with me before fully committing so I can choose my best course of action and future plans.
She already decided and there was no changing that... But doing so without talking it over even after the fact, even though I'd have been happy for them.
I don't like that my hinge didn't include me at all and just assumed that was ok.
She already decided and there was no changing that... But doing so without talking it over even after the fact, even though I'd have been happy for them.
I don't like that my hinge didn't include me at all and just assumed that was ok.
So tell your hinge that. But again, your meta has nothing to do with it.
You're right, I should have tried to keep the meta out of it. But how am I supposed to do that on their engagement when they are inseparable?
Your partner should be the one to tell you. Most meta problems are actually bad hinging/partner problems
Yep yep. Meta shouldn’t even be mentioned in the original post. It should be “my hinge is now engaged and it’s going to change our dynamic and I’m not a fan.” Which is fully understandable.
You can’t consent to every hypothetical future dynamic.
They are engaged to each other.
now you get to decide if you want your date your partner or not. Your consent still is irrelevant to their individual relationship. You cannot not consent to them getting engaged to others.
Yes. Now its up to your hinge to make their choices and for you to make yours based on their choices and what you can accept.
No, let me correct you again, if they are your meta, and I believe they are because there is no indication you are dating your meta too, meta proposed to their partner.
There’s no “we” here. It’s not a team sport.
Meta "I don't have to tell you anything, as far as the poly tree goes you are not part of my relationship"
She's right. I haven't heard polyam tree before, but she 0robablu meant that your partner is who is supposed to communicate with you and inform you of things and that's true. Your meta isn't dating you.
I never agreed to a poly tree in the first place whatever that is? I feel roped into it.
Huh? Do you feel roped into polyamory? Is this polyamory under duress? What's going on here? Your post is super unclear.
Edit:okay so I see from the comments you were mad that your meta proposed to your hinge. But your meta is right, they are under no obligation to discuss that with you or inform you. The person you're dating is who you need to communicate with. Not the person uninvolved with you.
First, a "poly tree" is not a new relationship configuration; your metamour was simply reminding you that being in a polycule together (ie dating the same person) does not mean that you are automatically in a relationship with each other. & since you are not together, your meta does not need to consult you before making decisions that affect their own relationship. It's your hinge partner's job to hear the proposal, & think about how it might affect you, because they are the one who is dating you.
Marriage definitely introduces more concrete legal hierarchy, & you're allowed to be upset & disappointed & angry at your partner for making that choice. You should talk to them about how this change will affect your relationship & future plans. They owe you some clarity.
That is exactly why I was upset because the choice was made without my knowledge and consent. I understand the circumstances didn't allow for that because my hinge wasn't privy to the proposal before it happened but I am still upset about the legal issues we may face.
But the way she put it I was "telling her she needed permission to be happy" and that honestly hurt...
I hate to be this person but is this the partner you have never even met IRL?
Nobody needs to get your consent to progress in a relationship. Especially one who someone has never even met. You don’t need to “consent” to your partner getting engaged. That is up to your partner
You're not part of their relationship. Your consent is irrelevant to what happens in someone else's relationship.
Why are you talking to her about it?
Be mad at your hinge, maybe, if you wanted To be married, instead.
That's what I said "her" is my hinge.
Were they discussing the possibility of getting married prior to this proposal? If yes, then communicate to your partner that you would have liked them to inform you of this.
If the proposal happened with zero prior discussion of marriage, thats a red flag for other reasons, but your meta doesn't owe it to you to communicate anything about their relationship, that's the hinges job.
I mean, your meta shouldn't be the one to tell you about things. It should be your partner. If you don't want to do polyamory however, you can just not do it. You can make your own decisions.
Hi u/MissFinalverse thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Me being upset that I was not informed about a proposal that affected future plans.
Meta "I don't have to tell you anything, as far as the poly tree goes you are not part of my relationship"
I never agreed to a poly tree in the first place whatever that is? I feel roped into it.
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