I sometimes get anxious when away from partners/when it comes time to leave their house

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You’re already doing most of the things I would suggest.

It’s perfectly reasonable to have FOMO when you are in fact missing out while they live other parts of their lives. What else do you have in your life? Are you seeing anyone else? Do you have a rich social life and good supports? If you are happy and busy might you think less about her/them?

Sometimes I worry a bit about triads that form this way even though it’s seemingly organic. What would happen if you lost interest in your meta and sometimes sexual partner? How did you happen to get sexually involved as a theeesome?

It’s great when things happen smoothly but it’s also realistic to plan for when things don’t go well. Right now they have oceans more power and say than you do.

If these relationships really do grow what kind of work are they willing to do to make room for you as anything remotely approaching an equal? Those things don’t need to be happening now and they would all require a lot of planning. But I wouldn’t want to have all my eggs in their basket and just trust that my future in in their laps and they’ll work it out.

You need an autonomous and independent full life outside whatever this dynamic may become long term. I would start there. And then maybe next year I would start to talk with your partner about what kind of life you want with her long term and if and how that should include her husband.

NRE makes you obsess but it also makes you overlook things.

How often do you get one on one time with her? You should really prioritize dyad time for a good long while when building a triad.

Are they a package deal? If you wanted to stop fucking him could you just date her?

Hi u/LimeBeneficial6246 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

I (26F) have been dating my girlfriend (27F) for about 6 months. She is wonderful! Thoughtful, kind, considerate and beautiful. She’s emotionally aware and very supportive. We both really enjoy each other’s company, have a lot of shared interests, etc. and have talked about our longer term futures. We’ve also both shared some prior insecurities from relationships and I trust her a lot.

She has a husband (32M) who is also great! We are in a sort of non traditional thruple where I’m essentially with him too, but our relationship is more so physical and the emotional aspect is still growing, just slowly. Just for context this is my first poly relationship and theirs too, previously only had flings/hookups.

I would say 90% of the time my mind and anxiety are at bay and we all have a grand ole time together. However, my problem is usually after spending a few days together (let’s say Thurs or Fri to Monday together) I don’t want to leave (I typically spend nights at their house when we’re together!) We may or may not make plans for the future but regardless I just get this general feeling of unease. I love this little life/routine we’re starting to build and I just want to be around her/them. But I truly do want to respect that she needs more alone time in general. Also, time spent apart doesn’t really bother her like it does me. We’ve talked about our future and want to naturally/gradually build to where we’re all together even more/more equally. Sorry I’m new to this and don’t 100% know/remember all the poly terms.

I guess a part of me just doesn’t like that it feels like I might “miss out” on fun (or mundane) things with them :) but I understand that’s just how our dynamic is right now. I’ve been in their lives for 6 months, vs they’ve been together 6 years.

We have talked about this and she’s understanding and wants to be reassuring and validating but I just feel bad/annoying needing more reassurance than her.

Most of my fears/insecurities stem from past relationships not the poly aspect. Such as if I’m not making it “easy” or contributing xyz, then why would she stay? I’m working on all this, just hoping to see what others’ perspectives/strategies are.

To help cope with this so I’m not bothering her every time I’m anxious or when we’re apart I’ve come up with these things, but I would like to hear what you do when you’re apart from your partner, or just generally feeling anxious bc of past fears.

Things I do to help: - journal - exercise - have a snack and drink some water - go back and re-read a sweet message she may have sent recently - try to work on a personal project

I’m also very pro-therapy and in the future would also be interested in starting therapy but have just been too busy lately and it fell to the back burner. I’m starting here bc while she says it doesn’t annoy her if I share any of my anxious thoughts or feelings, I don’t want it to be something I’m not working on. I still want to be the best partner I can to them and I don’t feel it’s her or their job to always assuage my anxious mind.

TL;DR: I have a great relationship with my partners and don’t want to mess it up by having unresolved issues I’m not actively working on. What are some of your coping strategies when you’re feeling anxious in your relationship?

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I'm here because I feel so seen. I used to struggle with this a lot. Then it was gone for a couple of years. It recently resurfaced but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. For me it's primarily sadness, which is highly maladaptive because I'm overreacting to temporary and normal separation. I'm grieving a non-existing break-up for some reason.

A) Sitting with uncomfortable emotions. No way around it, mono or poly, to be a mentally healthy adult, this needs to be practised, so when those emotions show up, it's easier to invite them in, embrace them with curiosity, and try to hold onto them (which dissipates them fairly quickly). There is guided meditation and other resources on this online.

B) Preparing your home to host yourself a warm welcome for your return. Whatever you need to feel appreciated and special when you walk in the door. Something you prepare before you leave for their place (which means you now need to plan 30-60 minutes longer for your departure). A little happy place, scented candles, favourite tea, pen and paper, and a sticky note with a kind message. Something like that.

C) Scheduling something you're looking forward to when you leave, especially if it makes you leave sooner. Works better if it's something I don't want to miss/has limited availability. Takes practice to stick with.

When I started processing it I learned that I was enjoying my life with those people more than my life by myself (duh!). But the reasons where illuminating. While I was spending time with my partners I wasn't having any responsibilities whatsoever. Try only doing your bills and paperwork at their place and your attitude will change rapidly, I promise. You'll either love doing paperwork, or you'll be relieved when you come home.

This is also how I discovered I needed to get chores done before leaving, and to prepare to-do lists starting with fun and easy things for when I'm back.

And lastly: Stuff my partners don't enjoy. Preparing groceries or snacks I love but they don't want around is something that really reconnects me to the fact that I'm the best partner for myself. And music. The artists they can't stand on full blast.

Now, in regards to therapy, my favourite quote on meditation: Every human being should be meditating for 20 minutes a day. If you don't have 20 minutes for meditation, you should meditate for 60 minutes a day.

Therapy as well as meditation will help you recognise where you're wasting time and energy for no benefit.

Imho making time for polyamory when you can't manage to make time for therapy is a questionable choice. Adding more emotional labour while not adding more emotional processing power seems a bit absurd. Stop finding excuses, start finding reasons. You can do this.

Do you have set scheduled time with your partners individually and together?