Moms not understanding

Advice

Heyyyy so I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this, so thought I would come and ask for some advice.

My mom is old school and a bit closed minded. When I tried to explain to her that I’m still poly and seeing other people even though one of my partners is now my boyfriend she was highly confused. She did end the conversation with “I guess I don’t have to understand, I just have to accept you.” So that was a huge step for her, but I didn’t tell her everything in that conversation. I explained I’m poly and still see other people besides my boyfriend but I didn’t explain that he’s married. We dipped our toes into the married and poly convo and it didn’t go well.

Does anyone have any good points or helpful pointers when having this conversation with someone from a generation above you who doesn’t seem to be understanding.

This is the first time I’ve been in this scenario. Dating a married man and not dating both the couple. She doesn’t know I dated couples either.

Also I’m still fairly new so please be nice. I know I don’t owe anyone every detail of my life, I just don’t know how to explain it to my mom who is so old schooled.

in polyamoryby Sea_Half_5363

44%

13d

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13d

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witchymerqueer

13d

Does she need to know? Is she about to meet boyfriend sometime soon? An information dump may alleviate you of some guilt, but is it necessary at this specific moment?

Sea_Half_5363

13d

She may not need to know at this second, but she’s going to meet him eventually and I feel like at some point we will have to have that conversation but maybe it’s something I don’t need to be worried about right now.

witchymerqueer

13d

Oh I totally agree she should know before they meet! I just think you’ve had one big chat and should consider letting the dust settle before complicating things.

Sea_Half_5363

13d

That’s good advice. Just let her simmer with that info first. I hadn’t decided yet if I wanted to tell her before she met him or not but you think I should? I’m afraid having that in her mind she will have a certain view of him. That’s he’s a “cheater” (in her mind) and not see how good he is to me and how good of a human he is first. What do you think?

witchymerqueer

13d

Since they haven’t yet met, I’m of the mind that it’s not really Mom’s business. Once they do meet however, there’s a better than good chance she will find out - tan lines on a ring finger, an accidental use of ‘we’ as married people often do, social media, seeing them in public, etc - and you don’t want her to think you intentionally hid the marriage thing from her. That will really put cheating in her mind, imo

Sea_Half_5363

13d

Yea I think I will tell her at some point. Just trying to figure out when. And how. I have been very intentional about the fact that I haven’t lied to her once. I may not have told the whole truth when she asked where his son’s mom (wife) is but I didn’t lie either. I don’t want her to think I’m lying and in turn he’s cheating

rosephase

13d

What do you want out of explaining it? Is there anything gained by explaining he is married?

Sea_Half_5363

13d

I guess at the moment it’s the fact that I’ve been telling her a story more than once and have almost included his wife without thinking and then my mom would have asked who she is and I would have had to explain. Also social media pictures. I take pictures of all three of us sometimes but don’t post those because I know my mom will ask who she is. Basically my mom is nosy.

rosephase

13d

I love my parents and I’m out to them and they don’t see my social media and they don’t know a LOT of details because it’s just not worth it.

I tend to wait a few years before bothering to inform them about new partners or new partners other partners. At that point I there is a lot of proof this is working fine.

Sea_Half_5363

13d

I think social media is what’s throwing me off the most right now. I don’t want to hurt my metas feelings by not posting her but I’m not ready to explain that to my mom yet. She just won’t get it. It’s gonna take time.

rosephase

13d

Have filters. Not everyone on your social media needs to see posts.

My parents don’t see much of any of my social media. It’s not for them.

Sea_Half_5363

13d

That’s such a good idea! I hadn’t even thought about that.

whocares_71

13d

This. My husband doesn’t want his father’s side to see much of anything about our life. He filters everyone out 🤣

sundaesonfriday

13d

As far as communication goes, I would say to avoid jargon as much as possible, speak clearly and confidently about your choices, and manage your expectations about what you hope to accomplish.

If you want your mom to truly understand this part of you, enjoy hearing all of the details about your dating life, etc., you may just be barking up the wrong tree. Maybe that's true forever, maybe it's just true now while she's wrapping her head around this and at some point in the future, all of your partners will be invited over for holidays and given matching sweaters. Who knows? But expecting someone who doesn't get it to be fully on board and ready for gossip sessions at this point would be aiming too high. I'd probably spend some time thinking through what your communication goals really are.

Is it to be able to let her know about serious partners? Is it to not have to feel like you're hiding things? Those and other similar goals are probably reachable.

You can't ultimately control how your mom reacts to anything, but you can manage your feelings and expectations and accept the reality of whatever your shared connection about your love life ends up being. I hope you're positively surprised by how much she can grow and learn, but if she doesn't change her perspective or ever dig deeper into understanding, I hope you can make peace with that.

For perspective, my mom called me a homewrecker and told me I was going to be murdered online dating because I was looking for deviants when I told her I was nonmonogamous, so my mom just doesn't get to hear about my love life now. It was a surprise to me, and I expected things to go better, but ultimately, I've done what I can to manage our relationship and I've made peace with where we're at. I think what you've gotten so far is pretty good, and I hope you can be satisfied with whatever your mom is able to offer you in the future.

ImpulsiveEllephant

solo poly ELLEphant

13d

I suggest you don't. Maybe in 6 months to a year, broach the topic again and see if she's opened her mind a bit more, but mostly just leave her alone.

I live on my parents' retirement property, and I won't be telling them. My dating life is irrelevant to my relationship with my parents. They know my serious, and they met Casual partner as a Friend because he IS a Friend. What type of friendship we have is irrelevant to my parents.

Part of growing up is realizing you don't need your parents approval. It can be nice to have, but you're fine without it.

Sea_Half_5363

13d

This is such good points. Thank you for reminding me I don’t need their approval. That helps so much.

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13d

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Here's the original text of the post:

Heyyyy so I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this, so thought I would come and ask for some advice.

Does anyone have any good points or helpful pointers when having this conversation with someone from a generation above you who doesn’t seem to be understanding.

This is the first time I’ve been in this scenario. Dating a married man and not dating both the couple. She doesn’t know I dated couples either.

Also I’m still fairly new so please be nice. I know I don’t owe anyone every detail of my life, I just don’t know how to explain it to my mom who is so old schooled.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

unicornzndrgns

solo poly

13d

Why do you need to explain it to her? Why does she need to know your partner is married?

Sea_Half_5363

13d

I guess right now she doesn’t need to know, there’s just times it’s almost come up and especially when it comes to pictures, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that important. I just also don’t want to hurt my boyfriend’s wife’s feeling by never posting any of the pictures we all take together. Also I overthink everything lol

unicornzndrgns

solo poly

13d

I’m confused. It sounds like the wife is really involved in your relationship? Are you spending time with both of them together? Do you get your own date time? You don’t have to answer any of those. It just feels weird you’re worried about the wife’s feelings on what you post on your social media. I prefer parallel polyamory so that may just be my own experience.

Your mom definitely doesn’t need to know your partner has a wife. It doesn’t sound like she really approves of Polyamory so personally I would limit any dating details I give her.

Sea_Half_5363

13d

She’s not super involved but we are friends and both have kids so we do spend time together all of us. Yes we get our own alone date time at least once or twice a week. I also just never want to hurt anyone’s feelings ever so I think way to far into if this will hurt anyone lol.

That’s kinda how I felt. But wondered if anyone had been through something similar