wanting different things

He doesn’t want poly. You are pushing his boundaries by continuing to push him into it

If you want to explore poly and he doesn’t. That is valid. For both of you. But don’t force a relationship style on someone who is obviously uncomfortable

He already isn’t comfortable with this. You both are working really hard to be in a relationship that is uncomfortable for both of you.

If you want poly you are going to need to end your marriage and date poly people.

You opened to outsource sex, not relationships. He agreed to that, and is well within his rights to ask you to keep to that agreement. Edited to add: I'm surprised he still agrees even to this, since you fell in love two years ago, against this agreement, and had to end it. You tell him it's to outsource sex, but is it really?

You know you could just see this as the very loving end to a delightful phase of life, get therapy to help transition a divorce. Become a bastion of how polyamorous relationships don't need to make the mono normative mistakes of clinging to the idea of a relationship when you have both outgrown it and there's no need for animosity or a Villain.

And never date converts again.

Why are you still together? I'm asking because it seems like you aren't compatible with each other, but both want different things.

You want Polyamory. He does not. 

Read The Polyamory Break Up Book. If there's a way to work it out, this book may help you find out. I think the more likely outcome is that this book will help you see there's no way forward.

You are pushing his boundaries, pressuring him into polyamory which he has explicitly told you he doesn't want.

This isn't polyamory. It's an open relationship to which your husband has agreed in order for you to be happy. You should have known, right from the start, that this could happen and negotiated an agreement more suited to you. Renegotiation is, of course, always an option, but he is clearly not open to it. Coming to this community to find ways around the situation is like looking over the fence towards coercion

Yes, I have navigated and am still navigating 12 years later.

My advice varies depending on whether kids are involved and what your financial situation is (i.e. are you dependent). Your feelings of being trapped are something I can definitely relate to.

One thing I will say, is we did start with similar rules like you mentioned and evolved to trips, sleepovers, etc. BUT it took my husband getting a girlfriend to get to that place. Once he realized he could have feelings for his girlfriend AND me, he was able to relate better that I could have feelings for other partners that didn't affect how I felt about him.

And he did complain a lot that I pushed boundaries, and in retrospect I should have gone slower. We had a poly friendly therapist help us navigate during that time and I felt it helped a lot.

(full disclaimer: he ended up dating a cowgirl, which is a very long story, so I can't say it was necessarily a successful navigation. Just putting that here so I don't get called out on it).

Therapy, and decide if you both can be together.

If it is a dead bedroom, why does he care if you overnight? Can you with friends or family?

It sounds less like you want poly and more like you want to outsource sex and emotional intimacy because your marriage, for all of your “I love him,” is fundamentally broken.

If you really loved this man, you would care enough about his wellbeing not to push him into things he is obviously not OK with. If you loved him you would not be heading out onto the internet asking how to manipulate him into doing what you want…

Hi u/Broad_Resist_1065 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

My husband and I opened our marriage 2.5 years ago because we stopped having sex due to his low libido. Our goal was primarily to find other sex partners. I (40 F) am much more active in dating than my spouse (46 M). I want to move more towards a poly approach but he does not.

Currently, I am limited to go out once per week, home by 1030pm, no sleep overs, no weekends. We approach as a “don’t ask, don’t tell” (his choice) so he knows nothing about my other partners. I love him and many aspects of our life together and I have been trying to be ok with how things are, but I’m just not happy with this and I feel trapped. When we discuss it he claims I’m “always pushing his boundaries” and “he’s just not comfortable.” I’m afraid we aren’t going to be able to find a place where we can both be happy.

Has anyone successfully navigated this type of poly challenge?

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