AITA the asshole for getting my daughter’s dog fixed?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I took my daughters dog to the vet to get the dog fixed behind her back because she kept letting her dog bleed everywhere, I might be asshole because I did it without my daughters permission and against her wishes but I had my own right reasons to do so.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

NTA does she not know that vets recommend a female dog is either bred once or fixed for health reasons? You may have just extended that dog’s life. Here’s a link for some info you can take to your daughter : https://www.humanesociety.org/resources/why-you-should-spayneuter-your-pet#:~:text=A%20University%20of%20Georgia%20study,female%20dogs%20was%2026.3%25%20longer.

It sucks you had to go about it the way you did but I think it’s worth going over the cost of replacing/ effort of cleaning everything damaged by blood. But I’d focus on the health of the dog aspect.

Getting your animals fixed is an extremely important part of owning animals, especially dogs or cats. Shelters are already overrun with animals and in the event her pet were to make it out the front door or something, even on accident, it results in 8-12 puppies with nowhere to go. If a pregnancy goes wrong her dog may die. If proper veterinary care for pets is ignored, theres so many dangers you introduce to your household. Blood (especially menstrual blood) is also considered a biohazard!! Anesthesia for pets is typically used for surgeries like neutering and spaying too, in terms of the pain her dog would undergo. Prescription pain meds are also available if the dog shows signs of distress. NTA!

NTA. Your daughter is a completely irresponsible dog owner. She out her dog through far more misery than the day or two of discomfort from the surgery.

NTA. Proven fact. Dogs and cats live longer and are healthier when they are fixed.

NTA- it’s irresponsible to own a pet and not spay/neuter them. Yes it’s her dog but you could have layed firmed boundaries that If she doesn’t spay her dog she needs to clean the blood or the dog will be rehomed or she can move out and let the dog bleed where she lives not that you don’t love her but she needs to be responsible since its unhygienic, disgusting, and ruins property. She should have been a better owner there’s enough dogs in animal shelters all it takes is one accident where the dog runs out to get pregnant.

NTA

Your daughter is a terrible pet owner. I really hope she doesn’t get any more pets.

NTA

I hate to say it but your house, your rules. It's unsanitary to have the dog bleed everywhere and if she's not up to the task then she's not up to the responsibility. Not to mention the dog is likely going to have a more comfortable life not going into heat anymore and will be safer around other dogs.

It might be time for these boundaries to be set with your daughter though. It's obvious she's not an equal in your home and these expectations should have been set long before 4 years had passed. This is a communication and expectation issue, not a dog issue

NTA People as profoundly irresponsible and deeply stupid as your daughter should never be allowed to have pets. She obviously cannot act in the dog's best interest.

NTA. Female dogs need to be fixed if they are not gonna be used for breeding purposes. Female dogs in heat become a problem as it causes male dogs to become aggressive to both the humans trying to stop it and the female dog who is in heat.

Sounds like even at 23 your daughter still doesnt understand the full weight of pet ownership. NTA

Your daughter is not thanking you but if the dog could talk she sure would! If your daughter doesn’t trust vets the animal is not getting medical care. Our 4 year old dog has a yearly appointment to keep her inoculations up to date.

NTA - neuter your pets, all of your pets. Unfixed female all kinds of animals are much more likely to end up with terrible reproductive tumors. if you are not breeding them (which hell no you shouldn't breed your pets) they will live a lot longer if they are fixed, male or female.

If the vet bills are in your name, she’s your dog.

It’s irresponsible to not spay/neuter your dog - unless there are very special reasons why it shouldn’t be done.

You did the right thing. NTA

ESH. The daughter for not properly caring and cleaning after her dog, and you for buying her the dog in the first place. A dog is not an appropriate birthday surprise unless it has been thurougly disscussed in advance and you are confident that the recipient can and will take good care of it.

NTA Totally justified.

NTA. Sounds like the daughter is a bigger one for not getting the dog checked.

ESH. It's important to get your dog fixed. But it's not YOUR dog. She sucks for not getting this done, especially after the dog reached the appropriate point (there is some real medical arguments for waiting a bit). But you suck for doing it behind her back. You needed to have given her the options of diapers, moving out or getting the dog fixed. Doing it behind her back was completely inappropriate.

NTA. I rescued 2 female cats 6 weeks ago and one had a litter of kittens last night. They are cute and I love them already but now I need to find homes for 6 kittens. They were supposedly indoors only cats but the previous owner admitted she got out one night about 2 weeks before I got them. The shelters and rescues are full of unwanted puppies and kittens.

Mama will be fixed asap, her sister got fixed 2 weeks ago.

NTA, also her dog needs regular vet checkups, yearly vaccinations and monthly flea and tick drops.

Raised around dogs my entire life, currently have a Chihuahua shizu mix and a yorkie poo.

Also to assume a person can afford a dog on a part time job at 19 is ridiculous.

Dogs ARE expensive, especially for vet fees to keep them healthy and dog food.

My Chihuahua developed thyroid problems so he takes a daily thyroid tablet and occasionally cortisone tablets for his skin. Both dogs are on expensive limited ingredient dog food a 12 pound bag is 76 dollars a month here in Canada including tax.

Of course as the parent you need to step in to fix the dog you must realize now how expensive getting a dog fixed can be.

I hope you will take her dog to the vet to insure she is inoculated as well. She also needs a yearly heart worm test. Also if the dog needs grooming not to mention the nail clipping.

I have strong opinions on getting dogs spayed in general, but that’s not what OP is asking. She’s asking about this specific situation. Obviously the daughter is T A for not cleaning up after her dog for FOUR YEARS. That does not, however mean OP isn’t T A. OP went behind her daughter’s back to do something her daughter had specifically stated she was against. OP, YTA for that. I think instead, 3 years ago, you should have given your daughter an ultimatum - get her dog fixed or move out.

Let her find a new place to live. Only at her parents home can she wreck the furniture and not face consequences. Let her have her own furniture and her own floors and if she cant afford that, her own roommate and see if they are as patient with this entitled behaviour as you have been.

The only other option you had was to ask her to move out with the dog - and I think most adults would consider that the more nuclear option.

You might have bought the dog diapers first, to go through the motions of ending up with that ultimatum, of fixing vs. getting kicked out.

NTA

I do think getting a female dog fixed is the best way to go for most dog owners. Your kid doesnt sound like the person you'd want responsible for breeding this dog, so fixing her was probably a blessing.

NTA. You did that poor dog a favour. Your daughter is ignorant and stubborn.

Nta but your daughter probably killed her dog. 

Female dogs who are not fixed before 3 run a fucking high risk of mammary gland cancer. I know because I lost 2 to it a decade apart. I adopted both as older dogs and even though I got the one fixed as soon as I got her (the other wasn't fixed because of different health issues) it was already too late. If they carry the gene for mammary gland cancer they're going to get it unless they're fixed young. 

Trust me the nightmare of dealing with losing a dog to mammary gland cancer is worse than anything your daughter could imagine. 

NTA. You are a responsible owner, your daughter is TA and neglects basic health needs of her/your pet. It is scientific consensus that dogs in frequent heat have a much higher risk of inflammations or cancer (my wife is a vet for 30 years). It makes sense to have them spayed if you don't intend to breed.

ESH, your daughter for refusing to get her dog fixed, and you for raising a daughter who won't get her dog fixed (and also waiting 4 years)

NTA

This should’ve been done before the dog became hers.

ESH. If the dog is truly her dog (vet records in her name, etc), you had no right to make that decision. What if something had gone wrong and the dog didn’t survive the surgery? Your daughter sucks for not having the dog spayed or putting it in diapers while in heat, but it wasn’t your place to do so. There were so many other ways to go about this. Assuming your daughter lives with you in your home, you could have given her an ultimatum: spay the dog or use diapers, or move out. Instead you chose to make a medical decision about her dog and put the dog at risk (even though it is a relatively small risk these days, any surgery is still a risk).

Tell her to look up PYOMETRA, and that as a vet tech I can promise you that almost 100% of unspayed female dogs will develop this later in life, and then she can thank you for saving her dog's life.

Honestly NTA, you got the dog for her, you had some responsibility for its health

NTA

If bitches are not spayed they are at a significantly higher risk of pyometra or cancer.

Tell her to start packing.

You fixed 2 problems in 1 go...efficiency

I had a friend with a girl dog and we lived together in the same apartment but he'd always tidy up after her, He had to give her up the first thing the shelter did is spey her.

I do think you could have gone about it better. But if someone won't have an adult conversation about it the answer isn't to just get it done anyway.

NTA, you did the right thing

Have your daughter look up the effects of uterine cancer and pyometra in unspayed dogs, to say nothing of the guarantee that un- neutered male dogs will fight to get the chance to breed with her and produce unwanted puppies.  Your daughter was going with only a vague feeling of the dog being in discomfort. NTA

This was a fun read, but it doesn’t really make sense.

My child is a fledgling adult, but I’m rewarding her as a child, but then expecting her to accept adult responsibilities, which she seems to mostly except for this one glaring issue, which no other roommate would put up with. After four years of disgusting living conditions and displaying no backbone, I decide to take matters into my own hands. And now my child/adult is mad at me! And miraculously has the means to live on her own AND care for a dog, with no notice! This would be good news to most, but here, maybe the plan of entrapping my child didn’t work?

Surprising a 19-year-old with a puppy is bizarre. You can do that for a child if you’re willing to take on most of the responsibility. You shouldn’t be burdening a young adult with a financial liability.

NTA for the creative writing; I’m not aware of any rule against it. Per the animal owners on the site, seems you’re NTA for neutering the dog. YTA for buying a surprise pet for your 19-year-old.

NTA. It’s disgusting and it’s not particularly good for the dog.

She had to either get the dog fixed, or clean up after her. She did neither. You did the responsible thing. She could have ended up with many unplanned litters of pups in the last 4 years, she is extremely lucky.

NTA for getting the dog fixed if you weren't using her for breeding but YTA for not doing it after her first season. You could have saved her the suffering of 4 years of seasons if you had been a responsible owner. What would have happened if she gad gotten pregnant? Your daughter isn't fit to own a dog with her attitude, by the way.

NTA, ask her exactly when she's moving out. If she can't answer you then let her know she needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult if she wants to stay with you.

She is behaving like a brat.

NTA. You got her the dog in the hopes that she was finally mature enough to handle that responsibility. But she refuses to diaper and clean up after the dog while she’s in heat. I know just how much of a mess it is. And what of the dog runs off one day and returns pregnant? It happens. Its a well known fact that if you arent breeding/are done breeding, getting your dog fixed greatly improves health and behavior. Also eliminates the female dog bleeding or a male dog oozing everywhere. Your daughter really wasnt ready unfortunately. It sucks that it had to come to this point, but you’re not entirely wrong. I would have tried actually having vets explain it to her as well personally.

NTA. If worse, you just did it later than the best time. I don't get why people don't do it as soon as possible.

You were right. Your daughter wasn't mature enough to have a dog. It's a basic and well known fact that fixed dogs live longer healthier lives than intact dogs. You're daughter hasn't even bothered to do basic research on canine health and care she shouldn't have a dog.

Spaying female dogs protects them against pyometria. A serious condition where the uterus fills with pus, this is often fatal. Explain that to your daughter.

NTA. She’s an irresponsible pet owner.

NTA. Your daughter is the AT because she’s willing to let her dog get gross blood stains all over your house, and not clean up after it. It’s disgusting. I’ll be honest I don’t think she is ready for the responsibility, it sounds like you are the one caring for this animal most of the time. She should be thanking you, not giving you the cold shoulder.

NTA. We have a female pitbull and my husband REFUSES to get her fixed. It’s infuriating. She’s the family dog but she’s technically “his dog” so he gets to change out her diapers and pads whenever she comes into heat. She’s 9y now so I was hoping this would be winding down soon so we shall see.

This is the dumbest hill for OPs daughter to die on. I’m sorry but NTA here. I can’t believe extended family is on OP for it too … really?! That’s being responsible period point blank!

NTA

Not wanting to distress the dog by getting fixed just means the dog was distressed in heat six weeks out of the year

Sounds like your daughter proved your beliefs from when she was young. 23 and still not smart enough to take care of a pet properly.

A bleeding pet is gross and very unhygienic. and not taking responsibility for cleaning up the mess is immature behaviour. Not talking to you is as well.

Also, since your foot the bill for vet cost you have ownership. You tried to talk to her about the issue but he blew it off, for some time. Curious as to why she doesn't trust vets.

Let the family know that the dog bleed everywhere and daughter refused to take responsibility. So you did.

NTA. Trust issues?? Give me a break. She wasn't being a responsible dog owner because being in heat without a stud nearby to do the deed is super fucking uncomfortable for the dog as well. It is crazy to me that she is willing to end your relationship over this when it actually benefits the dog. And where does she take her to the vet if she doesn't like the ones "near" you?

NTA she is the anti-vaxxer of dog moms. But seriously you're nice for not kicking her out and letting her stay. It was irresponsible and gross of her to let her dog bleed everywhere, not to mention it's miserable for them to constantly be in heat. It was nice of you to pay for this necessary service for her. The dog will be happier

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Hi, my daughter and I have been living together ever since I had her. She’s currently 23 years old and works full time, while I work remotely. When she was a kid she always wanted a dog but I never bought her one because I think children don’t understand the full responsibility of owning a dog or any kind of pet and I did not feel like taking care of one. I had a change of heart when she turned 19 years old and worked a part time job and could afford a potential vet bill. I surprised her with a little female mutt puppy for her birthday and she has been in love with her dog ever since.

It made me happy to see my daughter happy with her dog she’s been asking for since she was a child, but there is just one issue. When the puppy matured she started going into heat (aka bleeding everywhere). I didn’t think this was going to be a problem since I assumed my daughter was going to get her fixed. (There was no intention to breed her either) When I brought up the question about getting her dog fixed she quickly shot me down and said she’s not going to get her fixed. I asked her why, and she told me that she doesn’t want to put her dog through that pain, and that she doesn’t trust the veterinarians where we live. I told her I understood.

Fast forward 4 years and the dog bleeds everywhere every time she goes into heat. For those of you who has never owned a female dog, they bleed for 2-3 weeks. It’s really annoying and it is starting to become disgusting when her dog goes into heat. My daughter doesn’t clean up after her dogs blood and doesn’t offer to put a diaper on her either. They make diapers for dogs especially for this situation. Her dog bleeds all over the floor, on the carpet, on the couch, and since the dog goes everywhere I have even found blood stains on my bed and on my pillows. I am irritated by the neglectfulness of my daughter for not cleaning the blood, or putting a diaper on her dog but still refuses to get her fixed. I had explained my frustration about this issue and she still refused to get her dog fixed.

Since I work remotely, I took her dog to the vet and got her fixed while my daughter was at work. She came home and noticed her dog was acting a bit off and saw the incision mark. I told her I got her dog fixed since she didn’t listen to my concerns. The dog is ok and is perfectly healthy till this day and recovered quickly. She yelled and cursed at me for doing it behind her back, she claims she is looking for a new place to live, she hasn’t talked to me in months since it happened. Am I in the wrong for this?

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lol this is such rage bait

you don't just take a dog in and get it fixed that day. you have to prep for that shit, withhold food and water, etc. i call BS. further, your kid doesn't "trust the vets" around here? lmao okay because she's had so much experience with all the vets 🫠🙄🙄

on the off chance it's not, ESH. OP for assuming her kid was gonna do right by a dog without any practice, and her kid for not putting in that effort to better care for the dog. i mean if nothing else out a goddamn diaper on the poor thing! neither of you should have any kind of pet, period.

The dog lives under your roof and you've had to clean up after her, so she's your dog too. Blood is a biohazard (especially on your pillow!) NTA, you did the right thing for the dog's health

NTY

For one thing, it's healthy to fix dogs since it minimizes the risk of cancer. They are also less stressed or eager to run away to find a mate. Your daughter was neglecting her dog and the cleaning, AND she was misinformed about the surgery. You're well in your right to do what you did.

NTA! The few days of being uncomfortable for the dog/cat is SO much better than a life of periods or constant pregnancies. Seeing what my cat’s mother went through with two litters back to back (stray that just showed up pregnant, got pregnant again before family could take her to the vet, then disappeared) was traumatic and I didn’t want my new baby (cat) to go through that. We fixed her as soon as we possibly could. She’s a happy/ healthy/ loving/ playful 4 year old.

Nta especially as a veterinary assistant. There’s so many health risks with not getting a dog fixed that it’s just not worth it especially if ur not planning to breed in the near future. Also shes just being plain disrespectful to your living space. They make diapers to put on dogs for stuff like this and she chose not to even if u asked..

NTA it's recommended for their health to get them fixed. Going into heat is stressful for them, getting them fixed prevents them getting certain cancers and if she were to ever get out it will prevent unwanted pregnancies

It doesn’t hurt much. Better to be fixed and no risk of pregnancy

NTA to the dog, you did the right thing to not only avoid future health problems but environmental problems with how your daughter handled clean up...by doing nothing at all it sounds like.

But you will always been seen as the AH to your daughter. This may have damaged your relationship beyond repair if she hasn't spoken to you in months. Honestly threatening to kick her and the dog out could have been a better course of action for your relationship.

You put up with that for years. No way is that acceptable and it smells. Time for your daughter to grow up. NTAH

NTA. If you're not going to responsibly breed a pet, it's better to get them fixed....especially females. Uterine cancer is very real in animals, and it is generally undetectable until it's too late. By spaying, you are preventing it. Not to mention, what if the animal got loose or an intact male got into the yard? What about then?

Animals heal quickly. The pain medication the vet provided will give relief for the animal. This is not like a human having a hysterectomy and all of our organs shifting afterward due to gravity pulling them down to fill the vacant area (trust me, that's painful).

I've worked in animal shelters and rescues, I've cared for animals after spay and neuter surgery.....trust me, they bounce back very fast. Refusing to spay and neuter is just bad pet ownership (unless you are responsibly breeding for the betterment of the breed....meaning a pure bred animal with another pure bred animal and even then at a certain point the animals are retired and fixed).

NTA - It's your house. She isn't being a responsible pet owner and cleaning up after the dog, nor is she using diapers. You bought the animal. I say you had the right.

However I am slightly questioning your parenting skills that your grown daughter didn't clean up after her pet. Those skills should have been established earlier.

NTA, if a female dog isn't being bred she should be spayed. She can't develop a pus filled uterus if she doesn't have a uterus. She can't develop ovarian cancer if she doesn't have her ovaries. Not to mention that spaying a dog makes her chances of developing mammary cancer lower because there are no hormone cycles to worry about.

Nta your daughter was being extremely irresponsible. If she 'doesn't trust the vets', does that mean the dog has had no vet care its entire life???

NTA, plus the dog gets pain medicine. It's not like they just cut her open and send them home. It's so irresponsible to have an animal that hasn't been spayed/neutered.

Tell your daughter this very easy and usual operation is much better than her dog suffering from ovary, womb or any other preventable cancer from being spade.

It’s so much better getting dogs fixed, especially females.

I'm trying to think how I would feel if someone did this to my dog without my knowledge, but all my pets are rescues and they're already fixed.  Then I thought about how nasty it would be to have a dog bleeding all over my house and my daughter not even putting a diaper on the dog--as if that is too much effort--NOR cleaning up after her dog and went with NTA. Honestly, I would have skipped right to telling her to find another place to live rather than getting the dog fixed.

NTA at all. I love animals and begged for one but my mom refused for the same reason as you. 19 is old enough to understand responsibilities, and it's recommended to get dogs fixed. When I got my own place I immediately got a dog, got him neutered before his 2 birthday.

NTA

I know it seemed like a nice gesture to surprise her with a dog.

It would've been a better idea to ask her if she still wanted one, talk with her about what it actually means to own one, since she was now of the age where she can understand and make an informed decision.

You took that decision away when you just dropped a dog in her lap.

You did the right thing getting the dog fixed, but if she can't understand why it needed to happen, then she isn't responsible enough to own a dog, even now.

NTA, never get your daughter another pet though. She clearly cannot care for them.

That should have been the agreement when you got her the dog. No negotiable. YTA for taking her and not telling the daughter since she is now the owner. Your daughter is also an AH for not looking after her dog. She proved the point that she can't care for a dog. Also, why have you put up with your daughter not cleaning up after the dog for years? She's an adult. You should have started treating her like one and told her eather she fixes all the issues or she or the dog leaves your house, her choice which one it ism

NTA if daughter wants to ignore property destruction let it be her own, unfortunately you'll probably miss the pooch terribly.

NTA. My son's girlfriend's dog died because she wasn't fixed. Your daughter needs to educate herself before catching an attitude with you. Hell, she should have educated herself well before animal ownership. They're not some cute accessory.

NTA I had a cat and didn't get her fixed for the same reason your daughter had. I did get her fixed after she had an infection that almost killed her because it could have been prevented if I had gotten her fixed earlier. That was more than 2 years ago, and I still feel guilty for the pain she had to go through.

NTA. You are essentially a co-owner of this dog, as you are with her all day and clean up after her. You were right when you said kids can’t understand the full responsibility of pet ownership and apparently your 23 year old never grew up.

NTA, the older the dog is spayed the higher the chances of mammary cancer are. We had our girl spayed at 4 years old (she was a 2.5 year old rehome/rescue and needed to build trust and then Cvid happened) she's had mammary cancer at 5.5 years old and a secondary cancer at 6.5 which resulted in her front leg being removed due to the tumor placement.

You've extended the dogs lifespan and saved her from phantom pregnancy that can lead to anxiety and depression and pyometra infections.

I know someone whose unfixed dog died from pyometra. It's an extremely dangerous and often deadly uterine infection in unfixed female dogs who aren't getting pregnant several cycles in a row. Anyone who isn't breeding their female dogs needs to get them fixed just for this reason alone, not to mention all the other reasons. I'm sorry your daughter's an idiot but you're NTA. Your daughter is being an irresponsible dog owner so you stepped in where no-one else was

NTA. You are a hero.

Rest assured with the housing crisis, your daughter is not going anywhere. Also NTA

If she doesn’t want to get an animal fixed, then she shouldn’t have one. It really is that cut and dry. NTA.

I’m late to this post, but NTA. We rescued a girl dog 2 years ago who had been bred on her first heat and was never spayed. By the time we were able to get her spayed she had the beginning of the scar tissue horn that causes pyometra, an infection that is usually a death sentence - it can be treated, but it’s expensive and intense. Your daughter was being irresponsible by not getting her dog spayed - you did the right thing for the dog and for the cost of spaying, your daughter should thank you.

NTA

NTA.

I can understand not wanting to put a pet through unnecessary medical procedures. But spaying/neutering is a necessary medical procedure. There are enough kittens and puppies in the world.

Spayed and neutered pets also tend to be healthier in the long run.

Your daughter is not a responsible pet owner, or housekeeper. She's in her 20s and won't clean up after her dog's menses, or get doggie diapers?

Totally N-T-A.

Hopefully, she will find a place soon and take her gross, lazy butt off to be someone else's problem.

NTA - your dog was also incredibly uncomfortable during all of those heats. They get pms just like us and extremely, incredibly h*rny that they’re willing to run away to find a mate. Not only that, your daughter was setting your dog up for severe health issues and a shortened life span, if she hasn’t already. The more heats a dog has, the more likely for mammary cancer. Pup will be uncomfortable for about a month, but will never have to care about a period or weird hormonal changes again. Her quality of life is actually improved!

NTA. I have a pitbull who i didn't get fixed until she was 8 because she got pyometra. I never personally got her fixed beforehand because she did not bleed when she went into heat, she had false pregnancies instead BUT, emergency surgery costed me $7k so you saved the dog a lot of uncomfortable pain and saved yourself and daughter a whole lot of money.

NTA. She was not caring for the dog and it is YOUR house that was getting destroyed.

Let her move. Someone else can support her.

NTA. Your daughter is being extremely irresponsible and immature. Seems you had a good reason not to get her a dog when she was younger. She is an adult and still isn't taking care of the animal properly. It's your house. I wouldn't want blood everywhere on my stuff either. That is disgusting. She should be thanking you for taking the time and I'm assuming spending YOUR money for the vet bill to take care of a problem she refused to address.