Need comeback for "Is that a ____ in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

I'm never happy to see you.

Nope, just a _______

I don't quite understand this. Why would someone say that to a woman? She doesn't get hard ons.

"Neither"

Nope, just a (pulls out middle finger)

Is that a tic tack in your pocket? You’re obviously happy to see me…again.

<Huge fake laugh> "HAHAHA!" <Deadpan> "Yeah, it's a roll of quarters. Laundry day."

"The size has no bearing on being happy to see you, believe me. I simply have a very large penis".

nope it;s a stun gun do you want a shocking experience?

Same predictable line on repeat like the movie groundhogs day. Yes, o creative master of riz, you got me....yaaaay. (Im a saecastic dull tone)

Why are you staring at my dick, looking for a snack?

Yes, it is and no, I'm not

It’s a pocket rocket. That’s why I’m happy.

Is that a shriveled phallus in your pocket or are you just reaping the effects of age, poor genetics, and excessive alcohol use?

Carry a roll or two of quarters and when asked, pull one out and say, “No… Its laundry day.”

No..no...it's just my dick. It always looks like thst.

Wait, a guy saying that to a woman? Makes no sense. Tell him its a dick and ask if he likes to suck dicks.

"It's a can of mace"

"Actually, yes, it IS my erect penis, thank you for your interest."

I understand why you have to ask. I can’t imagine anyone who would be happy to see you. All I have in my pocket is pepper spray….i would be happy to put your name on that if you’d like.

“Oh, I didn’t notice you, I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

Well I ain't happy to see you.

Oh, its the douchebag with a baby dick..how are you?

• boisterous laughter * Happy to see you? You're hilarious.

'no its a voice recorder, lets play it back and see how weird you sound'

You give me an innie

It's just a tube of chapstick and I am extremely happy to see you.

“ I’m not happy to see you, so it probably just my brush”

Nope. You are so unappealing, I instantly grew a dick.

No. It’s an erection.

What's that in your pants? It looks like a dick, only smaller.

"I appreciate your business but, if you say that to me one more time, I'm gonna slap you so hard, people three blocks away are going to think lightning just struck."

“Why the fuck would this even remotely make sense? I’m a female

I wish for just one time you could stand inside my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you.

Look confused. Ask him, "Please explain. "

"Again, man! Wow. That lame line is really over used." Ignore and just eye roll to whatever he says next.

Or, "I'd be happier if you weren't asking me that ridiculous question again."

I definitely wouldn't respond with any sexual innuendo, even an insult to him, since that just may be what he's asking for.

Nope... that's my penis.

True story - I had 2 bananas in my pocket and said:

Yes, that is a banana in my pocket. In fact there are two of them.

The girl cracked up laughing.

No it’s my dick, I was thinking about your mum.

This would be a very good line coming from a woman.

I hate you but yea it's a boner.

Weird thing to say to a cis woman ngl

"You wish"

Jealous that mines bigger than yours?

It’s called a penis.

Aren't women supposed to say that to men?

“It’s a tip jar, and until you can hear it jingling I’ve got work to do”

"Actually it's my enormous dick. Want to see it"?

Also "Got your phone handy? He's dead now but I'm actually the grandson of John Holmes. Look him up, dear. I'll wait so I can see your reaction".

Both.

It's both

The answer is Yes!

Empty pockets

"Is that a pickle in your pocket....?"

No, it’s a battery. Triple A.

Just ask your mom 🥱

It’s a roll of certs.

______?

“Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” I”m bored seeing you.

No it's a 9mm and I'm never happy to see you

"It seems that's the only pick-up line you know, so I understand why you come here alone every day."

There's a variation: Are you happy to see me or is that a roll of dimes in your pocket.

Neither

'It's a ___ in my pocket. Definitely a ___ in my pocket.'

“Dildo.”

You can bet there's nothing in my pockets meant for you.

"The part of my day that really gets me going" [lean in close and seductively at this point] "is the part without you in it"

Better in my pocket than in your ass.

Nope it's my dick wanna see it?

I was fantasizing about punching you.

Why are you staring at my crotch. I’m not interested.

No I'm not happy to see you

“I’m not a carpenter, but I always carry a hammer” - PK Subban.

"No. No. I have priaprism."

Maybe not great to say at work, but: "If you could confuse a ______ for 'that,' I feel bad for your (future if single) wife/gf.

You got ne, it's a gun, I brought specifically for you

I usually say "thats all me" and walk away 🤣

Shh. Its evidence.

Oh i am SOOOOO excited to see you!!!

Depends on the context of the ____ and whether you're playing along or not. Generally it's best to be supportive in improvisation, so I'd go with: "Well, I don't see any (thing ____ is used for) around here, do you?" ::wink::

It's my dick.

It’s not for you

"I did hear you like chicks with dicks - Try the gay bar downtown".

She should just say it's her penis.

“Whoops, my detonator is showing.”

ACTUALLY THAT’S SHREK 2 ON DVD WANNA WATCH?!

Play it like the movie. Pull out the ___ in your pocket.

"it's actually an unregistered firearm."

Give her pepper spray to pull out when he says it

Just well hung

Idk if this is a good idea but maybe try the classic “I don’t get the joke, please explain it”

Dildo

Goon

I was just thinking about ______ something offensive
<your wife, mother, sister>
<the WNBA>
<my grade school teacher>
<the founding fathers>
<a pastrami sandwich>

Both!

"No, your dad was in here earlier."

Not even your mom is happy to see you. So let's pretend I like you for sake of my employment.

That’s my upcoming bottom surgery just hanging out down there. As soon as I save up the money it’ll get pushed inside.

I'm just happy to see the _____

I used to play a computer card game where monkeys would say various things. The first thing that came to my mind was from that.

"Monkey no glad to see you. This just banana."

Rocket

Well, I'm not happy to see you, so... ?

"Literally no one has ever been happy to see you."

No, it’s a penis.

Bend over and find out

"As a matter of fact, it's a Glock, and I AM happy to see you...trigger happy!"

"I'll show you what's in my pocket." Reach in and pull out your hand with the middle finger extended in their face.

Yes, it's a banana.

It's definitely a _____.

Pull out a banana…

I'm happy to see you're here now. pulls put glock

"the former, always the former"

“No and no.”

Eloquently simple.

No that's a two bedroom cottage. -FOTC

Weasel

That’s a penis, actually. And I have a very painful condition

Is that a TicTac in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.

Yeah I actually said that to an old drunk dude in a bar. It went over his head.

Micro-mushroom (usually said to wingnut incels)

Just pull out your flaccid dick and “¯_(ツ)_/¯“.

I'm always happy to see the back of some when they leave.

Always carry a pen. When asked, pull out the pen. Ask if they would like a taste.

It’s a pencil and I’m going to stab-you with it.

Say no, it's a pb&j. Then pull one out.

You're right it is a ___ in my pocket, did you really think you'd stir have an effect on me, get over yourself, you're delusional

Why would I be happy to see you?

I am happy to see you… touch your toes

Yes

Leave. Now.

"you tryna get pegged or sum?"

Pardon me while I whip this out!

Was just thinking of the day you'd leave me alone. God, it gets me hard!

It's a shiv in my pocket, precisely because I'm not happy to see you.

Actually it’s a tiny alien looking for an intelligent life form and not finding any right now it’s pointed at you.

Please stop or I'll have you banned from the premises for sexual harassment.

"The only reason I'm happy to see you is because you're an alcoholic and keep this place in business"

I'm happy to see you 😉

I'm happy to see you 😉

It's not a Glock

It's TWO Glocks

tell her to have a banana in her pocket and pull it out when asked. There will be a good laugh, and he'll never use that line again.

I'm happy to see SOMEONE - just not you.

Just say yes and walk away.

Why would a regular ask HER “Is that a _____ in your pocket”? As I understand it, most female clothes have limited pockets.

Have her say, “No, this is the size when in its floppy state.”

Well in this context, Op's girlfriend wanting to roast an obnoxious bar patron... your context it doesn't really apply. The context of the situation would be very important because a wide number of responses could be appropriate depending on the situation.

Yes it is, and no, I’m not.

Tell them to keep a banana in their pocket and whenever they’re asked this they just pull it out and say “Just a banana”

It’s a banana. For size comparison, of course.

I took a viagra an hour ago since I'm never happy to see you and I just want to get it over with.

“Whatever it is, it was in your wife last night…”

no it my boy toy it makes me happy every time.

Yes, and mine is bigger than yours.

Ew, no. Just a ______.

"both" then follow it up a creepy smile would be my answer.

Nope, I’m never happy to see you; that’s just my natural body

At no point in time has anyone been happy enough to see you for it to be visible.

If your fiancee is AFAB then the guy seems not to understand the joke he's running into the ground. She should just casually pull a toy penis out of her pocket and lay it in front of him on the table.

Is this to reply to your priest?

No, it’s a ___ in my pocket.

Just say yeah it's the dick from the last creep that harassed me , I've got a collection of them you wanna add to it .

Oh, don't worry - I'm never happy to see you.

Why yes, yes it is a ______ in my pocket. Or, why yes I am happy to see you!!! You'll just have to decide on which one works better for you.

“I doubt anyone is ever all that happy to see you.”

“If you have to ask, it’s probably not the second one.”

Since he’s a customer and you still want him to tip you decently. Always happy to see you, but I would be even happier if you came up with some new material.

Yes it is, and no I'm not.

Carry a plastic banana.

"It's a hard-on. You discovered my secret."

Both.

Edit: came up twice in one night when I literally had a pineapple in my pocket.

It’s definitely a ____ in my pocket.

It's a pocket knife, step back I'm feeling stabby

Keep every possible thing in your pocket and when they ask, just pull it out