A support community for those affected by C-PTSD

Toxic relationships & abusive childhoods often end up training you to have 0 boundaries. For a long time, I wouldn't even realise I COULD set a boundary, or I would only realise what I even agreed to after the automatic "yeah sure I can do that!" fawn response.🦌🤦

Therapists/good friends often tell you "just say no!" Or "it's okay to say no" etc. - but learning to set boundaries is not that simple. It's like saying to a baby, "just walk!" "Walking is good and necessary!" It doesn't actually teach them, and if they tried, they wouldn't even be able to start.👶

First you gotta figure out what your legs are, then try crawling, then toddling, then walking!

1.🥚 Identify times you SHOULD/want to set boundaries, even if you can't. Try to notice how/when other people set boundaries.

"I really don't want to do that. I wish I could say so. I should have said no to this."

1. 🐣Start stating some boundaries, but feebly and with lots of apologies. Often retroactively, and often by text/email. Lie if it's easier.

"omg I'm so sorry, I actually think I might not be able to... after all!"

"Ugh I'm really sorry, I can't, I have to... [lie]"

3. 🐥Stop meaning the apologies.

"Sorry, I can't do that! Wish I could help."

"I don't have time, sorry."

4. 🦆Stop apologising.

"Nah, I don't feel comfortable doing that."

"Just to let you know, I'm not going."

"That doesn't work for me, I need..."

5. 🦢(optional but recommended) Interrupt people who are trying to, or have already, crossed your stated boundaries.

"Hey, I'm gonna have to stop you, I already said..."

"I told you no already; if you continue I'm going to have to leave."

"I understand that you are upset, but I'm afraid I cannot allow myself to be spoken to this way."

"Hey, you might have forgotten, but I did mean it when I said..."

Additional Tip: one way to practice if you're in an urban area is to wander around town, purposefully meet the eyes of those annoying sales/charity sign-ups people 🙋🤑 Stop walking to listen to their spiel, and then practice refusing anyway. No social consequences for refusing, even if you're rude!

These people will purposefully dodge, push and cross your boundaries, but they also don't really care if you eventually refuse (no matter what they pretend). I did direct sales for a few months, and the failure rate is 99% - they'll forget you within minutes, believe me. They also can't hold you to anything you agree to as long as you don't sign/pay, so when you inevitably fawn to start, you can backtrack and practice refusing anyway!

I was getting a medical procedure done today and had spoken to all the medical staff who I'd interacted with to explain that they need to talk me through what's going on before they touch me. They had prepped me for the procedure, got the IV in , all ready to go and a new nurse walks in.

She immediately gets wayyyyy to close to my face and grabs my shoulder to say hello. I told her to stop touching me and she starts going on about how she'll have to touch me during the procedure. I felt unsafe. I didn't want to be there. My brain was racing on how to get out. She kept talking and I blurted out "I don't like how you are interacting with me , can someone else take your place?"

Much to my surprise , they just swapped out. I am very grateful to the staff and happy with myself.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for maybe 6 months, he’s a good price as I can’t afford an expensive one and he did say he specialised in trauma.

Anyways there’s a few things he’s done that I feel are questionable- texting me late at night, today he text me “do you still hate me??? Lol” this was referring to our last session where I felt annoyed when he challenged me on something and it was triggering for me, instead of focusing on why I felt annoyed and exploring that he had said during the session “do you hate me now”

He has offered me some free sessions saying I can pay him back when I become super successful and he also reassures me a lot that I am a good person etc etc.

It’s just not what I expected out of therapy. I’m starting to feel like I owe him something, and that I have to please him in a way which is making me feel so uncomfortable.

I did tell him originally that it made me feel uncomfortable when he text me late at night and asking me how I was after sessions then if I didn’t reply asking if I still wanted my next session, he said he wouldn’t do it anymore but then he’s now doing it again.

This happened when i was a teen, but it occasionally comes back to me when i think about proper boundaries and how to set them. I still can't decide exactly why this affected me so heavily. So the scenario:

Having a convo over text

Them: being very short and seemingly upset in the tone of the text, said they had a bad day. Kinda passive aggressive.

Me: "oh, do you wanna talk about it or anything?"

Them: "NO. I dont have to share anything with anybody and im fucking tired of people asking what's wrong."

Me: left them on read and never talked to them again

Lmao. It feels very teenager-like, but i dont know who was in the wrong. They had a right to set boundaries, but then again how could they expect me not to ask what was wrong if they were being passive aggressive and told me they had a bad day? I still feel guilty for even asking (or for even trying to strike a convo that day.)

But i also feel like it wasn't right to be so rude on the boundary setting if they had passive aggressively passed off that energy to me. Like i had a right to never talk to them again as well because of that. I dont feel as if that was their goal, but that's what it achieved.

She said that me trying to communicate raised her blood pressure and do I want her to die?? I always said those DBT skills weren't particularly useful if the person you're talking to is this emotionally immature, but I don't know, maybe I still could have done something better. But I'm not going to think about that right now because right now I'm frozen and scared. Even though I know I love myself enough to know that what she's saying isn't true, and that my inner child is very grateful for the boundary. Even if it hurts, and I'm alone....right?

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I think it's time for no contact.

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Would really really really appreciate any words of wisdom, advice, support, anything.

I found out about boundaries, and the fact that I should have some, and that other people have them... and that I didn’t know how to recognize them and that I was constantly violating other people‘s boundaries because I didn’t have any...

This was in my mid-40s

I’m now 49 and still struggle with setting them, enforcing them...

...and I am allowed to treat different people differently. woah

My therapist told me this and its been an eye opener. Im still like, "what..really? But wouldn't that make my personality inconsistent then? If Im not treating everyone the exact same then theyre all going to have a different idea of me right?"

I have been terrified of this idea, that hypothetically if I were to treat people differently and they met and talked about me and came to the conclusion that Im different with all of them, that means I'm a liar, or deceitful, or manipulative, or creepy or weird. Or that Im a sociopath or something just playing different roles for a bad reason.

I have untreated family members with disgnosed Borderline personality disorder, undiagnosed sociopathy and alcoholism (this one is just obvious). I have watched my codependent (and possibly BPD mom) and other family placate and lie to people's faces and talk shit about them once theyre not around anymore.

Idk..at some point I got a belief in my mind that if Im inconsistent at all, with anyone, ever, then Im crazy or an evil liar like them. Which Im realizing now is pretty extreme and limiting.

I'd appreciate some ways to frame having different boundaries/relationships with ddifferent people because I know logically its healthy but it seems so exhausting and chaotic that a part of me doesnt want to try. Seems like a lot to manage.

TLDR: My dog is teaching me how to establish boundaries... because hers are better than mine.

My (new rescue) dog has some issues with resource guarding over a particular toy. She LOVES this toy. She'll growl if it's anywhere near her and she has it and won't stop, even if no-one else is anywhere near said toy. As a result, I've had to take away said toy, and she can only have it if her sister is out. I didn't want to take her toy away, I wanted to teach her not to growl when she had the toy and the advice the vet gave was fucking MINDBLOWING in the weirdest way

Resource guarding is natural, and the vet said, the worst thing you can do is stop a dog from growling in that particular case because they'll STILL be resource guarding, they just won't be giving you or other dogs, warning... So instead of getting stiffens > growl warning > bark warning > bite, you'll miss all the warning signals and they'll go straight to bite because you've taught them it's not safe or desirable to warn you.

And uh... I have, multiple times, been accused to going straight to "bite" when I flip out. It's fine, totally fine, I'm fine, until I hit breaking-point and I then I go straight for the metaphorical jugular, often ending relationships as a result, I've been told, without warning. Maybe time for me to unlearn some stuff about not "growling"....

I struggle so much with setting boundaries in new friendships and before I know it it’s too late and they’ve set theirs and then I feel like if I go back and set mine I’ve brought up or started an argument or I haven’t moved on from it.

How can I go back and set my boundaries without causing an argument or making the other person feel like I’m moaning. Especially if the conversation has ended. Do I just go back and set it? And what ever happens happens?

Basically her boundary is saying I can’t respond all the time. Which is honestly fine with me i dont expect her to. But whenever she does this it feels like she’s just avoiding the conversation and dragging it out.

If I go back she would of got away with not replying. She’s done this a couple times now.

But my boundary is don’t say you’ll respond to what I’ve said then put it off for two days and each day say I’ll respond, I’ll respond and then don’t.

Hello guys,

Since i am awakening and i am getting in touch with my anger over how people have treated me in the past. Just today i got reminded on how pressured i felt to have sex with one guy and i regret i did. I feel so angry at him for primarily thinking about his needs and pleasure. At that time i did not know better and i couldnt mark my boundaries. How do you guys deal with memories where your sexual boundaries were violated? I have a tendency to blame myself instead of another person and i need a little bit help with that. Thank you ❤️🙏

Been thinking about this.

When an abuser verbally or otherwise attacks you, and you react, that is one level. A level where you were wronged and it hurts.

But when they go on punishing you for reacting, that is what messes with your mind long term. Because you get punished and shamed and called crazy for stating basic facts about respect.

You learn that you can't trust your judgement. You learn that it's unsafe to set boundaries because it will lead to punishment or abandonment.

I just want to say to all of you: you were not crazy, you were not exaggerating, you were not whatever they told you you were, you were just looking out for yourself. You were probably the only normal person of the situation.

Setting boundaries and getting angry is a very normal reaction to the crazy disrespect most of us here suffered.

I am completely boundary illiterate. I was thinking about it, and I feel like I was so profoundly violated in childhood that I never learned I could have boundaries. I would just endure until I couldn’t anymore, then I would flee. But the fleeing never stuck, and I would get brought back again.

As a survival mechanism, I have gotten used to a sense of discomfort and have accepted that it will always be there - or maybe I block it out, so it doesn’t even occur to me that a boundary is being violated or that I can set one. I can’t even tell.

I’m 27 now. To this day, I can’t set boundaries with friends, with romantic partners. It is wired in me to accommodate and cater to somebody else’s needs and I won’t realize I have situational discomfort until reflecting later. I enter in freeze or fawn and feel 100 per cent locked into doing what the other party wants me to do.

Has anyone else been this far along the line and been able to come back? Sometimes I feel like I’m not even a person anymore, that that was taken from me. Idk.

I don’t have anyone in my life that I can bring up this stuff to without fear of them experiencing vicarious trauma. I don’t want other people to have to bear witness to what happened to me. But I need to be able to talk about it.

full disclosure: i know i'm still stuck in a lot of black and white thinking which is why it's so hard for me to grasp but i vaguely understand that boundaries are less about trying to control the other person and more about "this is what i will allow, your choice to do what you want with it." so kind of a "take it or leave it" (again, i know this sounds very black and white)

so my question is, what if my friend said the r-word, which i find triggering (he used it jokingly which is way worse to me) because i'm particularly anxious on a certain day. let's say i walk away in the middle of the conversation or give a strong reaction (neither of these seem like healthy ways to set boundaries but idk). i'm essentially telling him "if you use that word around me i won't be here" but here's the thing: what if next time he uses it, i'm in a more stable mood and it doesn't bother me? i'm setting inconsistent boundaries because they depend on my level of stability. how am i supposed to navigate this? i want to have consistent boundaries but i don't even know what these are aside from the very basics. (i don't tolerate being insulted, yelled at, physical contact without my consent etc)

My mom's usual examples are: "helping" me with something even when I tell her it's a one-person job, or serving me food when I specifically said that I don't want to eat. And then she expects me to be appreciative.

Recently I was going through serious problems with sexual trauma and my housemate was having obnoxiously loud sex multiple times a day and it took me 2 months to say anything.

I ended up causing myself way more trauma at a time where I was already dealing with so much trauma.

Now I feel guilty and regretful that I didn’t just set boundaries but I didn’t know if I was able to or how to.

My therapist has asked me to set 2 boundaries in my life before our next session and she told me those boundaries can be anything. But boundaries are so foreign to me and I just don’t even know how or where to begin to set them. Honestly, I keep trying to think of something in my life that bothers me enough to make it a thing… and I can’t think of anything. My therapist told me that setting boundaries doesn’t mean you are fighting, but I don’t know how to see it as something that’s peaceful because in my head, boundaries are only needed whenever someone is doing something that you don’t like/want/approve of… so setting a boundary means you have to stand in opposition and be willing to follow through with the consequences of someone not respecting that boundary… and I guess I just feel like “who am I to think my way is the right way?” Like when push comes to shove, why do I deserve to get what I want/need but they don’t get what they want/need?

It’s easier to just make other people happy than it is to fight about something that probably isn’t that big of a deal anyways. Right?

I don’t know. Boundaries are hard and I’m taking advice from anyone willing to share it.

As a kid, everything that came out of my mouth was labeled wrong, stupid, ridiculous, whining, or just laughed at. I learned early on that keeping quiet was the only safe option that didn’t result in ridicule or physical punishment.

And as an adult this isn’t serving me well. I fear asking questions and asking for help, but it’s so much worse when expressing an opinion or setting a boundary with someone.

And in the past this has caused so much additional trauma. I was raped and never reported it because speaking out felt worse than the rape itself. I was bullied in school and it actually felt okay because punishment just for being myself felt normal. I was stuck in a job for years where I was taken advantage of and treated badly, but putting my foot down and standing up for myself felt impossible through the feelings of worthlessness. And I’d never challenge friends or partners because I was conditioned to put everyone else’s needs and opinions first.

And even though therapy is helping with this, it’s so hard to battle through this when online culture is so argumentative and full of black-and-white thinking. If I say something online (which I try to limit as much as possible), there’s bound to be a hateful, pushy person to trample on that opinion. Stuff like “I really enjoy X movie” results in “You like that piece of trash? Pathetic.” And that causes panic, self-doubt, and the compulsion to run away and never say anything ever again. I regularly uninstall all social media apps out of shame for saying things that are not shameful at all, just because it feels like the punishment is coming just for existing.

Also, I’ve noticed that when quiet people start testing the waters and having opinions, people don’t take too kindly to that. If you’re quiet for years, then speak up a little, some people suddenly react as if you’ve done something very wrong. IMO this is because keeping my mouth shut and not being disagreeable and not setting boundaries had attracted too many strong personalities who don’t like to be challenged, and other people who were downright abusive who can’t deal with someone else rocking the boat.

So...this turned into a messy, ranting post.

Does anyone else deal with this on a daily basis? Has anyone made progress with this?

Share a space with a kid in someone’s basement. After leaving my dads this is where I ended up. Went from a friends to this guys house temporarily. The kid is pretty loud at night. Like 1:30-2:30 am during the week. Can’t sleep. Wknds are fine even tho it bugs me. But I get it. Struggling to set a boundary with this guy though. And for reference he is the kid of the person I live with (he’s 18 years old). Any tips appreciated. Thanks!

I have found that setting boundaries doesn't actually have any positive effect in certain situations, specifically where someone is actively trying to upset you and drive you out of a space.

To my understanding, a boundary is saying how you will respond to a situation if it continues, usually it's "if you continue ___, I am going to leave." But if that's the person's goal, doesn't it give them what they want? If they enjoy upsetting you, doesn't it feel gratifying for them when you say that?

I have to deal with several people in my life who actively try to bother me and find it entertaining when I get upset or when I leave. It seems like setting boundaries has only makes it easier and more enjoyable for them than just taking it and not reacting like I used to.

I can't just not be around these people because I have to deal with them in order to see my loved ones, but I'm also sick of laying down and letting them steamroll over me and make me feel terrible while I'm trying to enjoy time with my loved ones.

Am I incorrect here? Am I misunderstanding or misusing boundaries? How do I handle this?

Boundaries

How would you adress disrespectful family in-law members. I am very shy and have a low self esteem. Would love some one liners (not rude) or scripts that I can memorize and have ready and say at a drop of a hat.

It poses a threat, and your defensive without realizing it. Sure, you might me smiling, but the minute someone suggests something, a differing view, or opinion, an "idea" or plan, or anything that is in opposition to how you feel or think, you just expect that the whole ordeal will turn into a bloodbath? You just believe, "this is not going to end well". At that point, I think I just stop breathing.

from your own life.

Me and my partner just finished watching baby reindeer. She knows all about my past. As we watched it I pointed out all our similarities. I had a very similar stalker situation a few years ago. My partners response was that it was a stupid show and mainly Donny's fault. It's made me think, my situation is really similar. I have 3 decades of abuse, but after turning 17, so much of the abuse I encountered could have been prevented if I was able to set boundaries. Not really looking for advice. Just wondering if anyone else felt the same?

Ever since i started my awareness and healing journey i have become more educated about how you ”should not/should” be treated by people. That i deserve respect and healthy love etc.

But all i became was confrontational and angry and more hurt, because i see toxic behaviour everywhere..

Then i noticed there are two approches to hurtfull behaviour

1. Some people meet toxic people and let them act out and dont take it personal, instead being non-reactive, then continue to be gratefull and aware of the good they share.

2. Some people attitude is ”this is negativt, ur out the door” from the smallest sign of negative emotion. ( this was me at one point and i fought with everyone in my life, snd became even mire miserable)

What is your approach