wait, did you find out about this through your parents/relatives? you couldn't have remembered it, right? /gen

how did you figure this out exactly? a chiropractor isn't normally doing these things where i live? i would love to know the reason and work on it because i genuinely cannot remember and it's so frustrating because i can't even soothe myself by telling myself "it's okay this is a trauma reaction from when X happened" and i just feel pathetic.

faking it triggers my self hate a lot more, if i keep pushing it i end up with a panic attack. i think faking it only works if you don't have an identity based on crushing guilt and shame and at least have a sense of being allowed to exist.

at for the title: my friend calls this "empathizing with the bully". i think there's people who have experienced injustice themselves and felt helpless and their only way to rationalize it has become to say "it's your own fault if you become a victim" because if they had to show empathy for you they'd have to admit they deserved kindness too when bad things happened to them, and being kind to yourself is very difficult for a lot of people. on the same spectrum of people saying "that's how life is" and "life isn't all sugar and rainbows". there's pain behind that often. fighting is hard.

i think, personally, only VERY VERY VERY few and specific people should/can know if at all. in general i also think not giving out this info is the best choice because it's a very difficult disorder that is rooted in very sensitive and intimate issues. it's almost like a naked picture of you. i think sharing your struggles with things like depression or anxiety is easier because if you "only" have these things, the treatment for it is somewhat consistent in science at the moment. doesn't mean it works for everyone, doesn't mean you really only have depression or anxiety (took me a decade to be diagnosed with cptsd) but at worst people will tell you to just pull yourself together or "just do it", which is bad enough as is, but with a trauma disorder, it's completely different. we are very vulnerable on so many levels.

i've only told my best friend who i can communicate with very clearly, and if he started doing any of the things you said (which simply isn't his nature) i would tell him to stop and he would respect that. he's known me for very long so my disorder doesn't make him analyze me or try to diminish my opinions or treat me differently, though he's also struggling with depression. it may be a long shot but i think the people who do what you said either don't have any diagnosed mental illness themselves ("""normal""" people who can function) or they are least have something weird going on with themselves, because a good friend shouldn't do the things you listed. that's just my two cents to this. in general: yeah i agree, it's none of anyone's business and when people try to pry more (eg. me telling my physical therapist that i have issues with being touched and her asking why) i just say it has mental causes and if she asks more i simply leave it at that. i only volunteer as much information as i feel is necessary to avoid severe misunderstandings because i realize i give off weird signals to people who just look at me and assume i'm not mentally ill

thank you for writing all of this out, you two sound like wonderful people who tried to reach each other through the chaotic storms of mental health issues, which is so tragic and sad to me. i think the silver lining is at least that it was mutual and you seemed to be able to or at least try your best at communicating as much as possible. i hope that one day i'll be as fortunate to meet someone who not only strives to get better like you two but also is as understanding and compassionate as you seem! (i hope this wasn't too much)

preface: i think my ramble here is a bit of a trauma dump, feel free to ignore please!

both my divorced parents but for different reasons. my mom would be loving and then ignore me, and even insult me if she was angry enough. i don't really remember what the arguments would be about but she made me believe that no matter how much someone likes or loves me and cares about me, they might still flip and say utterly derogatory things to me at the drop of a hat. as a result, my brain is convinced that the same pattern is happening every time someone is nice to me until they (inevitably) get upset about something. even if it's in proportion, even if they don't even raise their voice, im terrified when someone is in a negative mood because of me and feel like they hate me as much as my mom did. and it makes friendships nearly impossible.

my father was somewhat similar, but he was always very harsh and tried to use me as his little household slave to do chores (because "men don't do chores") and if i disobeyed he'd get angry and throw objects in my direction. at the same time he would also do really fun and nice things with and for me. it was always a mixed bag, and i feel like my mom was most unpredictable. my dad could be okay if i obeyed him and he did a different type of damage to me, but my mom severely broke my trust several times and i don't know if i'll ever be able to get over any of it. the rest of my family was the same, very unpredictable moods, sometimes they'd be loving and kind and sometimes there'd be conflict out of nowhere and the solution was always to ignore each other and then pretend nothing happened. my mom was the same. god forbid you wanted closure or to resolve anything.

thank you for the offer but my trust issues run way too deep for that, i physically cannot. just imagining it makes me feel dizzy and my muscles weak. i'm really sorry. i just feel so unsafe right now and i hope i didn't offend you. thanks for commenting.

i try to do that if i'm really sure about it (but i still feel guilty about it) but sometimes it's "advice" or a differing opinion worded in a way where i'm not sure if i'm just being too sensitive as always or if they're being rude... it's scary to me how witnessing potential conflict is enough for me to feel helpless. it's so much scarier in real life where people cant be expected to be supportive and kind all the time. i feel like a literal child even saying this. i'm sorry, thank you for the comment though.

this is very well written thank you. it made me realize how i bash myself for not standing up enough for myself and whenever i'm in "people pleaser mode" i tell myself that due to making that choice, i'm worth less and awful and blamed for my own misery. i often flatly ignore how i do this behavior to protect myself from having to deal with the consequences because i still lack the inner resources to feel like i can handle people's anger, abandonment, disagreement and disappointment. that i lack the innate feeling of "i can figure out another way for myself because i believe in my abilities, skills and worth to make things work again. change does not scare me because i feel adaptable." (though, you know, that would be the holy ideal that may be a bit idealized, but somewhere closer to that.)

my focus isn't so great right now but one thing that just came to my mind was how i often struggle with "trauma rage" too and try to think of a more mentally healthy person reacting to things. for example: someone without trauma may have said "yeah! now that you mention it, my partner did indeed neglect raising the dog properly, which makes me upset because they promised to do this and it's making things harder for both of us now." and from there, you decide if this means any long term choices to be made or if it's something you're willing to let slide as a "what's done is done and this isn't a consistent pattern with him that really bothers me so we will BOTH have to cope with this (not just me)". but when something triggers a trauma spiral (as it sounds like in your case? correct me if i'm wrong!) it often spirals until it leads to a past memory "...just like my father did" or something. and that's the infuriating part - it makes it so hard to detach yourself and experience a situation for what it is, because of intense distressing early experiences. i'm partially writing this for myself bc i struggle with this so hard too but the dog thing is something that doesn't activate trauma thoughts for me so i thought it might help to hear a third party process this? idk i hope this makes sense and feel free to ignore if this was weird or is making you uncomfortable, sorry!

same. i really actually understood that when i got the diagnosis, until then i thought i was just too depressed to love myself but even when my depression improved a bit my self love was still nowhere to be seen. i also often notice it in moments where you need self love as a basis to make good decisions and i fail at them consistently. also when talking to others. i always thought this was kinda normal or common and realized no, no it's not. i was trying to lie to myself because i felt like i wasn't even allowed to admit having no self love even in therapy because i'd be "too difficult" to work with or come across as defiant or something. and only when i realized i genuinely saw no worth in myself and tried to camouflage it in daily life through something i like to call "mini-narcissism" and scripted behavior, i noticed how bad it actually is and how much of an insecure act i have to go through just to make it through the day and avoid crashing down horribly. kinda like an injured animal that knows it can't defend itself but still tried to bloat up or puff its feathers to seem intimidating. and only when i realized how nonexistent my self worth was did i realize how difficult it is to build it up when 98% of the voices in my head criticize me, tell me i'm not good, i don't try hard enough, i don't work hard enough, i make bad choices, i'm not perfect enough, that things will never get better, that i'm trapped in my own trauma brain and have no agency of my own choices and actions, that life will never feel good. that even if i loved myself, i don't have the strength to set boundaries which will cause my anger to get worse. if i have no self worth at least i won't be as upset when people step over me. loving yourself means having to stand up for yourself and take up space from others sometimes, and that is terrifying to me. i feel like a murderer when i inconvenience others so it's really hard to develop self worth currently. sorry for the ramble.

i wish it was that easy. i feel like a blank page and sometimes i have opinions but i lose them at the drop of a hat. it's infuriating and terrifying.

more like they seek out "wounded" people to "fix" and define their worth by how useful they are at "fixing" people until they realize you can't "love" the mental illness away from someone, and they often lash out when inevitably, they can't fix your problems, and it turns into a "how many times do i have to..." "i put all my effort into trying to help you and yet you keep doing ...." and "why can't you just..." complaint where they end up triggering you even worse for not being who they tried to turn you into. and it angers them because they see it as a personal failure which they often can't accept so they turn you into the problem.

people who are naive about the horrors of life and even naively innocent and positive tend to trigger me too, my brain says something like "NO!! you aren't allowed to see life as positive or have things go easily because for some reason that would make me question my own struggles and make me invalidate myself by telling myself that i'm at fault for not being able to view things your way!!" i'm not sure if that's the whole trigger but it's something along those lines. like the fact they got to live a life where they can afford not to witness the terrors i've been through makes me resentful in a way where, on the one hand, of course i don't want anyone to have to go through the same stuff as me either, but at the same time, i get weirdly offended that THEY got to live a more chill life and not me. it's a weird game of hot potato in my head.

that being said, i always try to remind myself that people aren't what they show. you'll see someone making posts on social media about thei designer bag and regular holidays but they argue and fight with their spouse the entire time they go on vacation and post the designer bags to get outside validation. as an example. that's also why i tend to avoid social media a lot. i'd be spiraling so bad if i used it regularly.

this this this and also the thing after that.

It actually behooves you to avoid people who are eager to explore your trauma before they know you well, as it's either a sign of their own issue or they are looking to exploit you.

SUPER important thing to realize. when you have attachment and social trauma, you have to learn as an adult what's healthy and what's not and one thing that's SO vital to realize is that people aren't dismissive of your trauma because they "don't care" or "are mean", it's because trauma is something that a person who doesn't have trauma will feel overwhelmed with emotionally. because trauma is severe and if they react "weird" to it, it's because their reaction is (probably) more heathy. someone who seeks out your insecurities and traumas, who wants to hear and talk about it more is either 1) somewhat traumatized themselves and are looking for someone to save and help because that's how they define their worth OR 2) someone who's looking to exploit it whether intentionally or not and you want to avoid BOTH of these types.

for me personally, the challenge is when my empathy and emotional processing is turned off (numbed) for me to survive which makes it really hard to know if i'm overstepping boundaries or if the other person is acting weird. in my head it always feels like "did i say too much? was that weird? is this conversation going in the wrong direction? are they being bad at boundaries or am i being sensitive/triggered by normal behavior? did i upset them by doing something wrong or are they upset with me because they have their own emotional issues that they are handling inappropriately right now?"

i feel this so much. also part of me says "people are imperfect and it's healthier to have a healthy self esteem and boundaries so you can do your own thing and not be affected by others all the time. appreciate empathy when it's there but don't expect it." and then the bigger part of me says "i need so much empathy and emotional maturity to not spiral constantly, please, i just want high quality people around me for a few years to help me learn a sense of safety and stability so i can handle regular people more. i feel so helpless i need more support." almost as if i'm a child trapped in an adults body. the adult knows that i should focus on myself and what's right. but the child says "but i'm just a child, i'm not developed enough yet to be able to handle this".