My mom said I'm killing her......because I calmly asserted a boundary.

Abusers do not recognise or respect boundaries. Abusers require a monopoly over their victim's entire personhood, or the victim might just get up and leave.

It's so hard. But remember that her reaction to your boundaries isn't your responsibility.

Asserting boundaries can be so stressful, really proud of you for doing it!

So sorry you're going through that, she seems to really dislike you having some agency. Don't fall for her guilt tripping, she's not concerned for her or your wellbeing, it's the control she seems to start losing that's the problem. You don't exist to make her life perfect, her tantrums are not your responsibility.

I've had people like that in my life, going no contact was a hard (at the time) but the best decision. LE: I forgot to add that none of them had have the heart attack they were threatening with, and are very much alive years later and still have the same toxic behaviour.

Hope you can be kind to yourself and you can navigate out of the freeze soon.

I've come to conclusion that from now on I'm only doing what I must for myself. Sometimes that means feeling horrible and guilty when I should be happy, but I cannot live according to someone who has a distorted view on the world and people around them.Would any other normal person react like this? I think not...You don't go around making people feel miserable and guilty and act so f* up in the head to the point where you self induce a health problem just so you could make a point a.k.a. keep you a little obedient pet.

My mother does the same exact thing.

Sorry that you have to do all the mental gymnastics...

Focus on yourself, and always, always remember - whether you do it "right" or "wrong" there are no bonuses for you. It's all about the way her brain functions - and it's not normal at all. So don't live according to her standards, because she doesn't have any real ones anyways. She just has hurt emotions, which you cannot fix nor should you.

Let you from tomorrow be an inspiration for you and always do what you must, not what you wish to do.

Literally your mum's response is abusive. Stay your boundary because you did the best you could. Abusers will always try to make you feel bad for putting yourself first. Don't negotiate with terrorists basically. Focus on looking after yourself...not sure how to do that...if it was a friend going through the same, do what you would do with and for them. Trust your own advice.

I'm so proud of you! Resisting the urge to comply is extremely difficult. I'm so glad that you're feeling confident enough to do this. This is a powerful expression of self-love.

Baby, YOU did what you could. HER reaction is on HER. What you did is good for you, no matter how she reacted. No contact or low contact sounds like a good idea in this case. If that’s what you feel would be best, to give yourself space to heal, then go for it.

She sounds like a toxic, emotionally manipulative, immature person with whom you would not choose to associate if not for her being your mother. A friend would not treat you that way.

I think your instincts are right about going no contact and seeing if that feels freer and gives you space to heal… or enjoy life more. Her feelings (and blood pressure) are her responsibility. Not yours. It’s always a guilt trip and you don’t deserve to listen to a second more of that garbage.

Mine basically told me that I was killing my father unless I gave them my blessing to do X. Even though there was another option I had requested. It was about them, not me. As usual. I eventually went no contact and am happier. Therapy and other forms of healing are still important to me even though I stopped the ongoing trauma of an emotionally abusive relationship.

She also just handed you the perfect phrase for if you go low contact or no contact.

My father was like this as well. I’m so sorry. Choosing yourself is the right thing

What she’s doing to you is what I deal with or have delt with every weekend. She’s guilting you to NOT want to set a boundary. A boundary is what you should be setting. A book I’ve found very helpful is called set boundaries find peace. It was actually a recommendation from my current T. It also has a workbook. But my T has been on a two week break and I’ve found this book so helpful. This takes SO MUCH work. My parents like your mother are both emotionally immature. So to them boundaries are punishment and I’m the bad guy for setting them and working on myself bc nothing is wrong with them. This has been the hardest part to my healing journey so far. My T comes back next week I have a session Wednesday. I’m at a point where I need to have a session with my mom and my T at least or start to take steps to go no contact. Trust me I know this is so hard. I’m so proud of you for trying

My guardian was like this. Extremely emotionally abusive.

She would claim I could talk to her. But then when I would try to, she would gaslight me- and claim she was so stressed out when I was calmly explaining what was wrong- and that I should just get over it, that nobody in the world cared, and there was nothing she could do; so why mention it to begin with.

Every conversation with her became a chore. I found myself walking on eggshells every time I tried to talk to her. Because I never knew what would anger her.

She never respected my boundaries. Despite me calmly speaking about them to her. She always yelled at me. She made awful comments to me. And not just to me- but to others as well about me.

She told people I had ruined her life, her relationships, etc. then the next day she loved me- and I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

I was always looking for a parental figure in her, from my abusive childhood.

Eventually after years of trying to mend the relationship- I’ve completely severed ties.

I feel a lot better. I will not say that I don’t wish she was different. Because I do. But I accept the reality she isn’t. That does take time.

But love yourself, your health both mentally and physically, your life- and it’s opportunities enough to let her abuse go.

Because she is living there in your head without any consequence while she goes on with her life no caring what she does. And that’s not fair to you.

You deserve better. And you can get through this.

If you need someone. I’m here.

If you haven’t read CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving, it’s worth it. It talks about how not all guilt, shame and those related feelings are bad. What your feeling is the better kind. I’ll see if I can find the passage and post it.

She said that me trying to communicate raised her blood pressure and do I want her to die?

This is total nonsense and she knows it and you know it.

The planet would be a whole lot less populated if one stressful conversation was potentially fatal.

You don't have to say OP but I'm curious what the subject of the conversation was here.

I feel like I know this all too well.

Can't make the horse drink the water.

Can't educate someone who doesn't want to learn.

Can't convince someone addicted to drugs if they refuse to seek help.

This is no different. Takes two to tango and any legitimate attempt at communication is an effort in vain with someone who has ossified in their maladaptions.

If you are not entangled financially and can be independent, then it sounds like you've already made up your mind. Remember that you can always change your mind down the road.

Ironically, it sometimes takes a medical scare or simply being in hospice or on death's doorstep for people like this to finally understand why nobody wants to be around them when they are frail and without support. Or they will play the "victim" until their last breath.

She’s testing your boundary by saying this, in a really dramatic and ridiculous way.

If she feels you communicating with her is killing her, then calmly offer to stop until she sees a dr about her blood pressure.

Glad you have some boundaries. You are doing well. It is not that “maybe I could've done something differently” it is that no matter what you do, she will find a way even if it doesn't make sense to make you feel terrible. You did well. The goal here is not to make her respect your boundary and suddenly act differently. She probably won't change. No contact would be wise. Instead of trying to assert your boundary with her, prepare to leave her. Whatever means you need. When the abuser is your parents, it can be more triggering to assert boundaries because they know your weak spots so well. You need people around you who are not like her. Normal, respectful, and kind to you. Distance from her as much as possible. Prepare and plan to make that happen so that you don't have to see her or talk to her.

Honestly, I really wish I would’ve gone no (or extremely low) contact with my mom decades before she died. She ONLY ever brought me more pain and shame.

Ask yourself after every interaction: did you feel loved? If not, make it longer before you see her again.

You're not alone, OP, as I'm sure you can see from the comments here, so many people go through the same things you're going through now. It sucks! Solidarity. Something I remind myself of is that with abusers and especially with abusive parents (the kind of abusers that it's especially hard to escape from imo), there will always be something. If you find a way to have agency and express yourself outside of their control, and their previous methods of control don't work any more, they will find something else to use as a threat or leverage to get what they want. As I left my family home and went low contact, my parents have got older and have some minor health issues as a result of their age. Both of their health conditions are well managed and aren't life threatening at all, they're actually both very healthy for their age. But now their default response if I have a conversation with them that they don't like is "you're making me/other parent so stressed that it's making our health conditions worse!!" It can be phrased in so many ways varying from "oh poor little me" to one of them, apoplectic with self induced rage, actually claiming they're on the brink of collapse or accusing me of trying to bring them to an early grave. My coping mechanism, as for all their abuse, is to grey rock, cut contact asap (hang up the phone, physically leave the room or cut a trip short to leave), if questioned I say "your health is important, so since my presence is making it worse, I am ending this conversation/visit/trip here". I then immediately record what happened (writing it down, voice note) so I don't forget, and if possible I reach out to a trusted friend or loved one to talk through and validate that I'm not being unreasonable. You're wise to consider going no contact, OP, it's not easy, but in the face of this behaviour it's a sensible decision. Consider what your boundaries/conditions would be for going no contact and definitely speak to a therapist about this if you haven't already.

My mother does the same thing. Just remember you are not responsible for her feelings or any way she may be hurt because of you standing up for your needs. You come first. I am proud of you for setting a boundary.

She is toxic. Everyone has the power to protect their peace. Use yours. A lot.

This was someone attempting to attack your boundaries in response to you trying to set one.

I am a huge supporter of no contact

See. If her blood pressure is high there are meds and techniques to bring it down. This is another thing that is t your fault, but her choosing to over react and then further freak out.

"If you can't handle respecting my small boundaries, then I have no choice but to have a much larger, more permanent boundary of no contact with you. I hope you find peace and health, because that's what I'm trying to get in my life right now, too. goodbye."

You can do everything right but that doesn’t mean they’ll respond to it very kindly. You can hold your head high that you attempted to communicate like an adult, her failure to do so is on her.

Beyond common courtesy, other people's feelings aren't our responsibility.

Personally I don't think it's possible to have a healthy positive relationship without boundaries, and sometimes the boundaries need to be clearly articulated.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve “killed” my mother 🙄

If i said "omg you posted this to reddit why are you trying to kill me!?", we'd all agree its ludicrus.

Same shit with parental figures using the same style of argument.

My grandma said the same thing when I came out. It was so toxic.

Do we have the same mother?? You did nothing wrong. She’s trying to turn it around on you.

Just this week, I having a civil conversation with my mom about hurtful things she does. She started guilt tripping and screaming and crying that her parents were the same. She barely speaks to them now. When I said “you always talk about how much you hate it, so why do the same to me? Is your goal for us to have a strained, hate filled relationship like you do with your parents?” She did NOT like they. Started yelling I’ll be sorry when she’s gone because she was weaponizing her health issues. I was just like “I’m not listening to all that but damn bro, shit sucks. Or congratulations. Whichever applies.”

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. It’s so frustrating.

“When you disrespect my boundary, it raises my blood pressure too. Do you want me to die?”

A bit petty, but might spark empathy? But also, at this point, she doesn’t care about your feelings, so why should you care about hers?

You feeling frozen and scared due to her emotional abuse is doing worse things to your physiology than raised blood pressure… has she thought about that??

Personally I'd be like I am? Good

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have been there and it never feels fair. The pain of feeling alone is strong. You wonder what you could have done to prevent it or make it go away.

I think no contact is a great option. Sometimes we feel guilty for the thought or act of it but it’s because we focus on others more than ourselves. What would you recommend to a friend? I know I’m never as kind to myself as I am to others.

If you ever need to chat/vent/rant don’t hesitate to send me a message. Mean it.

Take care of you. ♥️

To those that are accustomed to privilege equality can seem like oppression.

If her blood pressure is coming up that much over a conversation then she’s got bigger issues that have nothing to do with you. My answer would be “it sounds like you need to see a doctor, people don’t develop severe health issues from having conversations. There must be other stressors in your life contributing if it’s really from stress.”

Editing to add - if this is an ongoing issue that’s making your life difficult it is completely fair to go no contact. Absolutely do what you need to do to protect your peace and keep healing.

Abusers hate boundaries, and will make up every excuse in the book, to make the person setting up the boundary look like the abuser. And every excuse to not be able to follow the boundary, even if it's so easy to follow. And they usually don't have a concept of "too low", so they will stoop to anything and everything to come up with those bullshit excuses. You are not in the wrong here, no matter how much she tries to make you believe that.

One thing I've had to do is recognize how illogical their statements are, and that lets me roll my eyes and just do my thing. Don't know that it helps resolve stuff, but I also spent a lot of my life blaming myself and believing them when they said that I was the problem.

So her talking to you raises her blood pressure and she might die. Shouldn't she stop talking to you? Shouldn't she go no contact for her health? Wouldn't the proper response be for her to say "We need to take a break, we'll talk about this later when it's healthier for me."

I hope that thought exercise gives you some relaxation and comfort, lets you realize for a fact how ridiculous she is and how her health is her responsibility.

There is a book called Codepedent No More that really helped me learn about those negative communications and how to insulate myself from them.

Hey you've done nothing wrong. If this is necessary then its not because of any fault of yours. You are strong, you are capable and you are gentle.

​

It will be scary because your child still wants that mother that you want her to be and partly believes she is.

My mom pulls the "it will be your fault if I die" and/or the "you will miss me when I'm gone" cards so often that I already know two things. 1. I am doing the very best I can which is more than she deserves and 2. I will mostly likely feel a sense of relief when she eventually does pass away.

My mother has turned into this type of emotionally abusive and just down right cruel person and I’m currently dealing with another period of no contact with her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop giving her chances, but the distance lasts longer each time. I would always just comply because I didn’t want to deal with the animosity and down right tantrum that would follow. This only fueled her illusion of power even though I’ve now realized it’s just desperation. Continue to do what you can handle at the moment. I always thought my adult life would only better my relationship with her but once I started letting her affect my other relationships and seeing how much she enjoyed it, I finally chose myself over her

Well technically you are killing her, killing her supply. Great job, keep those boundaries in place. You got this👌🏽

I always said those DBT skills weren't particularly useful if the person you're talking to is this emotionally immature, but I don't know, maybe I still could have done something better.

DBT is useful if it's helping you to communicate your boundaries. You are trying to do what you need to protect yourself. Just because your mother isn't receptive doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or not doing enough. It just means that she's not capable or willing to be receptive. Sometimes, no contact is the way to go. Do what you need for your mental health and peace of mind.

For some of us no contact is the way to go. For some limited contact or temporary no contact works.

I decided to cut my parents out of my life and unfortunately had to cut everyone who knew them out of my life too because they would manipulate those people into devilging information about me to them even though I clearly set a boundary of no contact with them and those people knew it.

It was a hard decision and I lost a lot of friends and all my family because of it. There are a few people I miss that weren't bad people and loosing all the memorabilia and photos of my childhood was hard.

I guess the biggest advice I would give is:

1) do what feels right to you. 2) if you do go no contact make sure anything sentimental you want to hold on to you take with you.

And

3) make sure you have a support network that either has no change intact with your mother or you know 100% will fully respect you asking for no contact with her and won't break your trust.

Ps: if you ever just want to talk or share with someone who has done it you can DM me it's been 9 years since have had any case intact with my family and though I miss some things they weren't worth the damage that I did sustain or would have kept if I stayed in contact. That being said it is not a easy decision to make and should be carefully considered and planned.

You are NEVER responsible for another persons emotional regulation. If she’s so concerned, she can change her behavior to avoid these situations.

There isn't a ton of information to go off. But if you calmly tried to set boundaries, that is your absolute right. Overbearing, or abusive parents often are clueless or even push to make you feel guilty for their problems.

You keep your boundaries, but make sure that if they are crossed there are consequences. A rule is not a rule without a punishment.

LET HER PERISH

I think most ideas here are solid..

Offering another strategy for your toolkit: venting in a diary/notebook.

If it seems like it might help, write down all your feelings, whatever comes up, however wrong the feelings may seem. If it's guilt, get it down. Later on this may be helpful for you to look back on. (To be clear, from what you shared, she shouldn't have responded to your requests with guilt-making. Your feelings are valid without the judgement being true.)

If it's anger, write that down. Write down everything you want to say.

Since she can't read it, she can't twist your words or use them against you.

Explore her logic. Is her blood pressure something you're responsible for? Do other people's BP go up when you communicate physical boundaries with them? Is it your responsibility to manage your needs around her emotional immaturity?

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Resource to a way of understanding ourselves and others emotions. Arguably the most helpful link I have found.

When she asks if you want her to die, what would would happen if you said ‘Yes’?