Sexual boundaries

Oh, I'm not good with those memories, but I don't blame myself. I focus really hard on what I can learn from it and what I'll do differently next time, you know? NOT to victimblame, but to give me a sense of agency. Thoughts will go like this:

"I don't EVER want to experience this again!! Oh, but if I try to practice setting boundaries a lot I will be better at scaring dangerous men off in the beginning and attract healthy men instead, and the risk of ending in a similar situation will be smaller. I should read a book about boundaries and get started!"

That's literally my thought-process lol. I think it gives me hope to focus on the future, if that makes sense?

That was the old you, try to have great love and compassion for this version of yourself, and recognise that the setting of boundaries was hard for you back then, and that is okay. Things change and so have you. The people who took advantage of you during this time are not worthy or deserving of being allowed to be in your thoughts and take up room within your headspace. Shame is a negative emotion that serves no purpose other than to keep you trapped in the past. Try to let go of that shame and remember we all have a past and we all have regrets, love yourself in the here and now with shame and no blame because you are worth so much more than what happened to you and those emotions that try to keep you trapped.

Honestly, my sexual boundaries have been so far crossed so many times that the ones of men pressuring me and me giving in are not the ones that I even have space to deal with. While I’m aware it’s not true, they seem like “not a big deal” in my mind compared to the other stuff. It’s a constant battle, and I try to use tools to help myself not disassociate in the first place. As soon as the memories/disassociation/rumination starts, I shake myself out of them like an animal. I used to have less control over my mind but prayer and meditation have helped me be able to re-centre myself more quickly.

Edit: as someone also mentioned, it’s important to learn and begin to set those boundaries from now on. I tell my inner child that I’m sorry for not protecting her, and that I promise to take care of her better from now on. This has also definitely helped.

Yep I blame myself and that is the most common response so you are in good company. I literally have to journal the reasons I think it’s my fault, then force myself to write counter arguments for why it isnt. Little acts like this build up over time.

I feel you on that. I would regret so much I would start spiralling. I went to therapy, started practicing meditation and let time pass. Although it still crosses my mind, it’s a little easier not to get stuck on it now.

I try to remind myself that we regret it, that means we’ve grown and are no longer that person anymore.

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I don't try to hang on to them. Meaning, while some other memories are worthy of being explored, those ones they are just irrelevant to who I am or my life. So when they come up I keep just enough distance so they can be assimilated but not having to think too much about my abusers. They don't deserve it. At least that's my current attitude. Maybe the anger will kick in at some point