Female 34, Tall, normal weight for height.

About 7 months ago I was waking during the night gasping, sometimes just sweating, then I’d panic and my heart would pound and race. It went away for a while then came back again this March, no gasping this time but I would wake up like wide awake then 10/20 seconds late my heart would start beating hard and then speed up and I’d panic. It’ll happen for maybe 3 or 4 nights then stop for a week and then maybe a night here and there and rinse and repeat. Now I wake up and it instantly starts to beat hard but doesn’t go very fast and if I don’t react it goes back to normal within seconds, I can breath fine and then I’ll sleep the rest of the night fine. Only one night it happened every hour until 5am, when I finally had a panic attack I then slept solidly until 8am.

I’ve been to my doctors a load. Had an ECG which was fine, waiting on holter monitor results. Blood tests. I’ve begged them for a sleep study and they said they would consider it but my doctor doesn’t think it’s sleep apnea and she said she would refer me to the palpitation clinic maybe rather than a sleep study.

I’m so nervous that what if it is sleep apnea and they don’t send me for that study. I’m starting to get exhausted from the worry.

I’ve considered an at home study if they don’t send me for one but worried it might not catch it, especially if it’s UARS.

I’m currently the only one of my sibling diagnosed with CPTSD, one thing that makes me question the validity of my experience is why so I struggle the most out of the four of us.

My older sister went to University right after school and became successful and is happily married. She does have some anxiety similar to mine which she opened up a little recently but on the whole seems more functional than me. My sister did go NC with my dad at 14 which I think saved her from a lot of crap.

Me - dropped at school at 16, started doing some drugs and drinking. Got into multiple abusive relationships, continued seeing my Dad who was emotionally manipulating me until I was 24 he was killed in a fight when I was 27.

Younger brother number 1, went to Uni and is settled down with his fiancé and has a very high powered job. He uses humour but never talks about feelings but is a kind person and I don’t see any mental health issues there. He also cut my dad off a few years before I did.

Younger brother number two, he’s more sensitive like me, luckily my Dad moved out when he was around 7/8. He’s had issues with weed and bad relationships and struggled with jobs a bit like me, but he seems to have less anxiety than I do.

I just find it weird that I’m the most dysfunctional, I was a very sensitive/empathetic kid and I think this didn’t help in my household where we were walking on eggshells around my dad and having a mother who was quite cold to us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

On and off for about 7 years I’ll get these weird periods where, I’ll feel fine in the morning but then suddenly I start to feel quite tired, I can usually ignore it but then I’ll suddenly feel like I’ve been drugged, it’s such an intense exhaustion that I have to go to sleep, I can occasionally by pass it and I’ll start to wake up again. I usually have to nap for two/three hours.

Ive noticed that it is usually when I let myself relax even just a little and let my guard down if that makes sense, it happens a lot when I go to my best friends house because I feel safe with her. It also happened a lot when I was doing techniques to reduce anxiety, at work or other places, Id feel the anxiety go away and suddenly I would be so sleepy. Sometimes I’ll wake up panicked as if my brain is reminding me to be on guard.

I used to worry it was medical, I do have slightly low iron stores so it’s possible it’s related to this. But it can go away for months and my energy will be fine. Then when I’ve been remembering trauma or working on myself it’ll come back with a vengeance. It also happens when I’ve been in stimulating environments or a lot has been happening in my life. I have OCD also and like a quite a constant routine so if this changes I can find it overwhelming. My new therapist says it’s because I’m constantly hyper vigilant that my system is exhausted and as soon as a relax my body wants to sleep.

I’m 34 and have had issues with my teeth for 10 years, I was bulimic and anorexic but am recovered now.

I always brushed my teeth but there were times where I was probably badly malnourished and also throwing up does it’s own damage.

I have a large chunk of one of my molars missing and have had to book in an emergency appointment for Monday. I also have a huge phobia of the dentists, I also have GAD and PTSD.

I lost the exact same molar on the other side of my mouth 10 years ago, I feel so ashamed I couldn’t fix my teeth, I look after them much better now but where I’ve had large fillings it seems to have eventually damaged the tooth.

I just feel so embarrassed and scared about it. Luckily my front teeth are ok and you can’t really see the damage at the back.

Just needed to get that off my chest.

I’ve been struggling with my issues for a long time, but I always had hope when I was in my 20s, I could always say at least I’m still young so it’s ok I haven’t figured things out and still struggle, unfortunately I suffered multiple traumas in my 20s, and at 27 my dad who I had an unhealthy relationship with was killed.

After my Dad was killed things went down hill as I began to feel very suicidal but it also made me work harder to fix my issues, I stayed single for 4 years and went to Uni and got a degree.

In the year since I finished uni my mood has got worse and worse. I feel like I’ve lost hope, even though I’m working in the job I always wanted even if it is just part time, I feel hopeless, I’m 34 now, still smoking cigarettes despite trying to quit multiple times in 3 years, I’m only a light smoker (5 a day ish), I don’t drink anymore, and don’t do drugs. But I feel like I’ve probably ruined my health, I have emotional flashbacks quite a bit, dissociate when triggered and stressed. I have a loving partner but I feel like I just make the relationship difficult by feeling depressed. I do also have OCD and severe anxiety issues.

I had to sack my therapist because he was breaking boundaries but I can’t afford a proper trauma therapist, I just feel no hope for getting better. I try so so hard to regulate my emotions but I can’t talk myself out of how I feel.

Can I ever feel hope again? I sometimes feel like too much has happened to me for me to ever trust the world again or feel safe.

I posted a week or so ago about my therapist who sent me a text saying “Do you hate me now lol??”

I never replied to him, and I won’t be seeing him again. Since then my IBS symptoms have come back so strong and I can’t stand my boyfriend trying to kiss me or be affectionate, this happens when I’m triggered, I kind of shut down. A lot of my trauma is men related. Sexual assaults, bad boundaries and not sexual abuse from my Dad but sexual comments etc when I was a teen and a young adult etc.

I really wanted to trust a man again. It’s been so difficult. I think I attract scary men sometimes. My last landlord stalked me and made my life a living hell until I moved out because I asked him not to hang out in my garden without telling me and he was upset when he found out I had a boyfriend. And now this weird therapist thing. It’s brought back the feelings of being faulty and somehow shameful sexuality, like somehow I send a signal out that I want to be abused or treated as a sexual object? It sounds absurd but I feel like there’s a weird beacon on my head. I keep going over all my therapy sessions and wondering what I did wrong? Was I too friendly, smile too much? Too vulnerable.

I know in my rational mind it isn’t my fault but the part of me where my damage lives, the part of me that feels so wrong is convinced it’s my fault again.

Just hate this feeling. I can’t afford a new therapist right now so I’m out here what feels like alone.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for maybe 6 months, he’s a good price as I can’t afford an expensive one and he did say he specialised in trauma.

Anyways there’s a few things he’s done that I feel are questionable- texting me late at night, today he text me “do you still hate me??? Lol” this was referring to our last session where I felt annoyed when he challenged me on something and it was triggering for me, instead of focusing on why I felt annoyed and exploring that he had said during the session “do you hate me now”

He has offered me some free sessions saying I can pay him back when I become super successful and he also reassures me a lot that I am a good person etc etc.

It’s just not what I expected out of therapy. I’m starting to feel like I owe him something, and that I have to please him in a way which is making me feel so uncomfortable.

I did tell him originally that it made me feel uncomfortable when he text me late at night and asking me how I was after sessions then if I didn’t reply asking if I still wanted my next session, he said he wouldn’t do it anymore but then he’s now doing it again.