Boundaries

I struggle so much with setting boundaries in new friendships and before I know it it’s too late and they’ve set theirs and then I feel like if I go back and set mine I’ve brought up or started an argument or I haven’t moved on from it.

How can I go back and set my boundaries without causing an argument or making the other person feel like I’m moaning. Especially if the conversation has ended. Do I just go back and set it? And what ever happens happens?

Basically her boundary is saying I can’t respond all the time. Which is honestly fine with me i dont expect her to. But whenever she does this it feels like she’s just avoiding the conversation and dragging it out.

If I go back she would of got away with not replying. She’s done this a couple times now.

But my boundary is don’t say you’ll respond to what I’ve said then put it off for two days and each day say I’ll respond, I’ll respond and then don’t.

in CPTSDby Efficient_Aspect_638

81%

3mo

sharingmyimages

3mo

But my boundary is don’t say you’ll respond to what I’ve said then put it off for two days and each day say I’ll respond, I’ll respond and then don’t.

Telling someone not to do something is only part of setting a boundary. The next part is saying what you will do if that person violates your boundary. The final step is to do what you said that you would do if that happens.

Efficient_Aspect_638

3mo

Hmm I’ve never set a boundary before and thinking about it now you’re just open to all forms of manipulation if you don’t.

Do you think I should state my boundaries from now on at the very beginning of new -ships?

Also within that same message of “I’ll respond” etc she’s asked other questions or made other statements that change the course/flow of the original conversation essentially killing it the previous one.

The whole don’t say you’ll respond then swerve boundary i just thought of yesterday. If she messages should i state mine ?

sharingmyimages

3mo

I only use boundaries as a last resort when things are not going well. Stating a boundary at the beginning of a friendship sounds unfriendly.

You can't make someone else respond to your texts if they don't feel like it. If you make an issue out of them not responding, then you open yourself up to being teased. It sounds like that's what your "friend" is doing to you. My thought is to stop texting people, who don't respond in a way that you're happy with.

Efficient_Aspect_638

3mo

Okay thank you that’s solid advice. It’s not that she doesn’t respond, she says a time she will then doesn’t and if she does she tries to swerve it. I do feel like she has been taking the piss tbf. I never see it coming 😔😬

sharingmyimages

3mo

You're welcome.

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3mo

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GamerKormai

CPTSD | Bipolar | ADHD

3mo

Boundaries are more for protecting yourself rather than focusing on the other person. It will put them on the defensive and they'll be less receptive. It's honestly good to practice stating boundaries beforehand.

"If I am spoken to in ______ manner I will end the conversation and will only continue it when we are both calm."

"I would like to talk about this but now is not the right time."

"I understand that you may need time to think about this, but I would really appreciate your input on this."

The thing is, you cannot force someone to respond to you. And saying like "I need you to respond to me if you say you'll respond" isn't a boundary. It's a demand. Or if you add on "if you don't I'll do this..." is now an ultimatum.

Edit: Damnit pressed post too early.

Efficient_Aspect_638

3mo

This didn’t help at all…

GamerKormai

CPTSD | Bipolar | ADHD

3mo

Notice that your friend's boundary is about herself and your "boundary" is about her and not you?

Focus on yourself, not the other person. You can't control what other people do or say. You can only control what you do or say. You can tell someone to respond to you, but that's not going to make them do it. You can tell someone not to yell at you, but that's not going to stop them.

People will do whatever they want. So setting a boundary is about how much of something you will tolerate, and how you are react when that thing happens.

"Don't yell at me/don't treat me _." (Focusing on the other person) vs "I will not tolerate being yelled at/treated in __ manner, and if that happens/continues, I will walk away." (Focusing on yourself and what you will do to protect yourself)

"Don't tell me you're going to respond and then don't actually respond." (Focusing on the other person) vs "I understand you need time to think, however I would appreciate if you'd respond in [timeframe]/[by a certain date] because I need to make plans/whatever thing." Or if there is no date you could ask "do you have an idea of when you'd be able to get back to me?"

And honestly it really depends what the situation is on how long is reasonable to respond to something. If it's a heated argument, you might be ready to talk after two days but other people might not. If it's something where you need to know by a certain time then you need to communicate that instead of expecting them to know.

And if it gets to a point where they just don't respond, or take super long (like more than a week consistently), then maybe spend your time and energy on other people. You can only control what you do and say and how you react.

Efficient_Aspect_638

3mo

Please leave me alone! You’re not helping at all!

Efficient_Aspect_638

3mo

Okay maybe i understand where you’re coming from but I’m just really hurt atm. The internet isn’t safe for me with my conditions.

GamerKormai

CPTSD | Bipolar | ADHD

3mo

I understand and I'm sorry you're going through this.

If you weren't taught/had healthy boundaries modelled to you, or if you were actively abused, traumatized, and forced to have none, then it's going to be difficult. You're going to make mistakes as you learn. You're not going to be a pro at it the first time.

And that's okay. Things like boundaries take practice. And it isn't your fault that you don't know them, that's something our parents are supposed to teach us. We are all human, we are allowed to make mistakes.

And the people who really matter are the ones who will help you learn and be understanding. But, yes, it is painful when someone isn't understanding or takes advantage of you.

User deleted comment

3mo

Efficient_Aspect_638

3mo

I knew it was avoidance but couldn’t put it into words. I done with it all bro. Fuck the internet! Can’t overshare in real life.