AITAH for not forgiving my dad for what he said?

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When I was 13, my maternal grandfather died. He and I were very close. That night, while I was being reclusive and mourning, my dad stomped into my room telling me I was being selfish. He literally said, "Your feelings aren't important right now."

My mom was a state away dealing with her dad's funeral. My dad was mad because I didn't do the dishes.

I've never forgotten. This was almost 20 years ago.

OOP's Dad doesn't fully realize the extent of how burnt that bridge is. There are some words you just can't take back.

My husband LOVES football (soccer). He watches every match, he likes to play with his friends, he cheers for one team in each country, he has dozens of shirts of different teams in his wardrobe.

My son loves cars. Has since he was a little baby. Has absolutely no interest in watching, playing or talking about football.

And MY HUSBAND is the one who makes an effort to like more about cars. He is the one that buys car toys, and takes my son to see races and expositions of old cars. As it should be.

OP's dad is a joke.

I'm so happy OOP's sister stood up for him.

That's exactly the kind of older sibling I wanted to have.

Oof, I feel for OOP! I vividly remember a moment 20 years ago when I overheard my Dad making fun of my weight to his cousins at a family reunion. I was a chubby, awkward kid with zero self-esteem, so to hear my Dad making fun of me behind my back really fucking hurt and still stuck with me.

I ended up developing an eating disorder a few years later to lose the weight, and I still have body issues. I never brought it up to my Dad, though. But between this and a few other reasons (he got the conservative brain rot back around 2010), we don’t talk.

Hopefully OOP’s dad makes the effort, otherwise he might lose his kids for good.

When I was in my teens I mentioned to my mom I would love to live in Chicago one day. She laughed. She LAUGHED. Said I'd never make it in a big city.

Six weeks after I graduated college I moved to a big city and never looked back. She spent a lot of time waiting for me to move back. She never said it but we all knew she thought I'd show up on their porch crying I couldn't do it.

It's been nearly 20 years and I'm married with kids. Every damn year on the anniversary of my moving (which happens to be today) she sends me some sappy text message about how brave I was and how she knew I could do it. I never respond.

I have never reminded her of what she said. She'd deny it anyway and we barely speak as it is. But I'll never forget.

I feel so bad for OOP :( those words, said so casually to neighbour kid? Means dear old dad isn't even ashamed of feeling that way, not a shred of guilt or wanting to keep it down. Worse, no inclination to actually fix things and maybe bond with his own son in a different way.

Absolutely awful.

Woke: "Damn, my kid heard something I didn't intend for them to hear and took it in a way I didn't intend. I'd better address that; apologize for being careless, express my intentions, and reaffirm our relationship"

Broke: "fuck yo feelings, deny deny deny"

I realize dude is young, but I hope one day he realizes that the reason mom and sis jumped to his defense so quick is that this isn't a surprise. That's the first time OOP may have heard such a comment, but no way in hell moms never heard something at least like it. That "you put your car over family" didn't come out of nowhere.

With the way mom and sis lit him up, I almost wonder if this isn’t the first time that dad has expressed that OP wasn’t quite the son he’d hoped for - it was just the first time OP heard it.

Soon enough dad is going to wonder why his kids will not see him anymore. What a jerk.

You know what? I bet the Mom is pissed because this isn’t the first time she has heard this from the Dad. Poor OOP, hope he’ll be ok. He sounds like a great kid.

Woa, the dad went from 0 to DARVO in 20 seconds flat

The fact that OOP's sister is so combative towards the dad makes me think that there are dynamics here that OOP isn't aware of. Maybe he doesn't realize it because he's a boy, but either the sister was really, really mad on his behalf or dad has a history of being somewhat absent. Especially since his mom was also quick to blame the time he spends on the car and ban neighbor from the house.

OOP reads like an unreliable narrator, but not the bad kind. The kind that isn't in on the loop

My father asked me if i wanted kids. I was 12, a teenager, and my homelife was volatile. So I laughed and said no.

He then said, softly but seriously, "That's good...you have my temper so I don't think you would be good to your kids."

It hurt. It has haunted me since.

It haunted me when my first born son died a day after he was born. My dad's words echoed in my head as I blamed myself for being so unsuitable as a mother that I killed my son since he was born too early.

You never, ever forget something like that.

I know that because I keep hearing my dad’s voice saying it over and over in my head. I’ve been hearing it whenever I look at him since that day.

I feel this as I have similar stories from my parents.

Context, I was a college dropout after a severe personality breakdown and it took me a few years to get my shit in a row. I'm grateful that my divorced parents provided for my physical needs, however they are both emotionally immature.

Anyway, a few years ago my father tried ambushing me with job opportunities when we went out to a pub. I told him a week prior that I was enrolling in community college in the Fall to bolster my GPA, transfer schools, and pursue a degree in Stagecraft. After a few years of encouraging me to return to school, he disliked my plan and said there was no work in that field. That I was a screw-up and that he can get me work in Sanitation or an industrial union. I threw the papers back at him and it drove me harder to get my degree.

For this and many other reasons (tl;dr his bad opinions morphed into being a MAGAt), I eventually went NC with him. I have a Bachelor's degree, a Union card, gainful employment, a one-bedroom apartment, and friends who love me. Meanwhile he's dying of a glioblastoma without either of his kids talking to him. Who's the screw-up now.

The fails keep compounding here.

Poor OOP. A child never forgets the hurtful and hateful things a parent says to them or about them. Never. It's why I never say things, even when I'm furious, that I don't wholeheartedly mean, because once they're out there, you can never take them back. My mother once screamed things at me in an argument that I've never fully got over, and justified it that she was just angry. Well, if you can't control what you say, even in a rage, then you need help. I've been so angry I see red, and I can still stop myself from saying vile things.

OOP's father needs to do a lot of self reflection about his attitude, his maturity, and how he refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour. He could have sincerely apologised, reassured his son that he loves him, and made changes to his behaviour to show that love, and OOP would have responded to that so positively. It also would have taught both OOP and his sister the right way to go about fixing things when you accidentally hurt someone, as we all inevitably do at some point. Instead, he threw a tantrum and stormed out, causing even more carnage and immeasurable pain to his son. What a terrible father.

I'm a daughter whose dad basically adopted a group of guys to work on land rovers together My dad isn't a teacher kind of guy but he loved spending time with them, spending hours into the night working on cars in his custom built garage with them, I wish I had been able to learn and join in, I work in a warehouse now so it's not like I'm afraid of being mucky. I tried to get into IT to connect with him as that's his industry, but I didn't enjoy a major part of the job so I couldn't break into the industry and he yelled at me that it's BC I didn't show interest at home - he could had gotten me things to help long before I finished my studies, he could had been thoughtful as if I had gone out and gotten a PC myself, I'd been yelled at as we could had gotten it for free.

Yeah this sucks for OP, because how can you live up to expectations when they aren't who you are? My parents thought I was gonna be a boy until I was born, and since they have divorced, he directs my car troubles to a garage.. he generally sorts out the stepdaughters' cars on the same issues. It's frustrating when your dad decides he can't connect with you. I don't think he even understands that I'm earning 2/3 of his salary without a degree at 23 in this day and age. I don't think he even knows what my job is. The other day he got my age wrong.

You really can't win. My therapist said that even though I'm an adult now, I'm still the child in the relationship no matter what and it's not my fault my dad doesn't step up for these things. Honestly I try, my work does a lot of free car racing tickets and I managed to win a pair earlier this year to take him. Because he used to race at the track and it's interesting to him. While he has invited me to a Christmas orchestra performance on my birthday that he was already going to anyway with his partner. The effort levels just don't match and that's not my fault. I'll probably never have a dad who's proud of me, not biologically. I have a friend in another country who fills in that gap, and that's just sad for my real dad honestly.

If you're still reading, thanks for listening to me just get it off my chest lol have a nice day

I have foot-in-mouth disease and it’s gotten me in heaps of trouble, but I can’t imagine being confronted with your kid hurt because you said something you didn’t mean and lying about it, and then throwing a tantrum.

Totally reminds me of the BORU of the girl who overheard her neglectful dad tell someone he never engaged with her because she wasn’t the son he really wanted.

Both these dads can eat shit. And have wet socks forever.

OOP’s dad sucks and there’s no way around that. It would take a lot to make me forgive something like that and those words would never be forgotten. I feel bad for OOP. At least his mother and sister have their heads on straight. Dad needs to work on himself and why he’s so selfish.

Okay, I'm not married and have no kids, but what the dad said? That's the kind of stupid over-enthusiastic fib I'm inclined to tell someone because it's what I think they need to hear when I'm trying to pay them a genuine compliment, because I'm awkward and bad at expressing myself vocally. I can almost see where the dad's coming fr-WAIT he lied to his kids about it in front of their mother and tried to make them think they were crazy for "imagining" it all because that's easier than just owning up to his mistake and showing his own kids he loves them and wants them. Never mind, fuck him.

My petty ass would have wanted to take this opportunity to tell him all the ways I wish he was a better father

It really fucking sucks when parents have your personality mapped out before you're even born — then neglect you for their own stupidity.

I remember something my ma said out of anger when I was a teen. It was super hurtful. I did throw that back at her at one point and she admitted she did not remember and that if she said that it was not true. But she also said she knew that doesnt take it away.

Growing up means learning that your parents arent fail safe heroes. They are very very human and flawed like everyone else.

OPs dads biggest mistake was trying to lie further instead of showing remorse

When I was younger, I worked with my dad for a spell. My then boyfriend ended up working at the same place, while I eventually stopped to continue with studying. (This was a fair amount of time before I came out as trans, so I was, as far as anyone knew, a girl still.)

My uncle was staying with us for a few nights as he was in town on a work trip, and the three of them were talking about work (the workplace I knew very well, because until recently I had also worked there). I came to join them after doing something, and my father told me that this was men’s talk.

It was so out of pocket. My father had never said anything like it before, and has never said anything like it since, and I’ve brought it up with him long after the fact and he’s apologised and was reasonably devastated..

But I will never unhear those words, and never forget how they made me feel. Not until the day I die. But then, my dad’s said a number of things along the way that I won’t forget until the day I die. I love him, and I recognise that he’s autistic like I’m autistic, and never learned how to deal with disappointment, but he’s given me some hurts that I will absolutely carry to my grave.

The wounds have healed but sometimes the scars ache when it rains, you know?

OOP didn't do anything wrong. They're just a kid. No kid needs to hear they aren't what their parents wanted.

I remember the defining moment of when I realised my Dad didn't want me. I was 6. My mother was away visiting my brothers at boarding school and I was home with the au pair and my Dad was on his 2 weeks off (he was a pilot) I got up in the night to use the bathroom and saw the light was on downstairs so I went down to look.

My Dad was in the sitting room drinking. He always drank all through my childhood but I'd never seen him drunk before this. I thought he was sick so I went over to, honestly I don't know what but I was scared so I wanted my Dad.

I don't think he even knew it was me really but when I managed to wake him up he looked at me and said "You know what I wish? That I never had kids. Wife wanted them but not me. Now I'm stuck. Don't get stuck you hear me. It sucks the life right out of you" then he started crying.

It's funny. I can remember every detail. I remember the care bears nightie I was wearing, how the floor felt under my feet and the noise the air conditioning made. And I remember my Dad crying and I remember my heart breaking cause my Daddy never wanted me.

He never remembered. And I never told my Mum or anyone really. I told my therapist recently. He got sad and looked like he might cry. You know it's messed up when you make a therapist almost cry.

My Dad died a few years back. The drinking got him. I wish we'd been enough for him. But I knew we never were.

It's why I will never have kids. Because I never ever want to be the cause of a 6 year old's heart breaking because she finds out that she wasn't wanted.

Messes you up something fierce.

Ugggghhhhh this one pissed me off so badly. And the fact that OOP is blaming himself just shows how much he loves his dad and craves the validation he thinks he’ll never get. I really hope his mom rips his dad about four new orifices for this BS.

Well, I can say with confidence that this is not the type of Dad op wished he had.

What a sad, cowardly, sack of shit father.

Yeah I'm still gutted after what my mom said a few weeks ago. I had a fight with my sister and my mom tried to settle me down, her attempt was to essentially say that since I am not married nor do I have any kids that my sister and my brother are more important and that if they do anything wrong than I just need to learn to suck it up. The way she put it made it clear that my parents value my siblings more than me as a result.

I had suspected as much but it really sucks to actually hear it announced like that.

How disappointing on the Dad's part. Could have really been a major moment in raising the kids. If he owned up to it the moment he was outed, this could have gone so much smoother. People say the wrong things. They misspeak. However, that pathetic attempt at lying and minimizing ruined everything. He's clearly still a 15 year old boy on the inside.

I hope to God that OOP is doing okay. I can only imagine how guilty he feels about this. He had a legitimate complaint about something his parents said that hurt him, and his Dad blew up and showed himself to be the least mature of them all. My stepdad once said some stuff a morning before school that really just hurt me. When my Mom dropped me off and I was crying already, she's proceeded to go home and smack some sense into my stepdad. It didn't end the marriage, and he learned how to stop being a dick. The difference here is, is that my stepfather said some things that hurt me, and had a mature conversation with my mother an hour later about how wrong it was. He approached me later, and for once up until that point, he directly and flat out apologized. He said something about something going on at work, but I wasn't even listening by that point. I was just so beyond happy that this was resolved peacefully and correctly, and my stepdads words and his face showed he truly meant it. He's a Man, and a good Father, even if he's not blood. I can not say the dame for OOP's bio Dad, though.

I can still hear my mother telling me, at 8, that my laugh was so ugly that no man would ever love me. Nobody has heard that laugh since that day, I literally forced myself to change my laugh because my mother had a horrid thing to say

I can hear her telling me, at 12, “do you really need that second plate? You’re fat enough as is”. I’m 23, and just getting to a point where I can mostly comfortably get seconds.

If I were to ask her, she’d tell me she doesn’t remember. She’d tell me she must’ve said something else, and I’m misremembering, or she “didn’t mean it like that” at best. As if I haven’t heard those words on repeat for 10+ years. Which is exactly why we hardly speak, unless it’s about my brother. He is the one thing we can agree on, and not bicker totally about (we still do, she’s controlling and I’m just a worrier but acknowledge he’s his own person, and recently an adult. I would do anything to keep him safe, except get in his way)

When I was 18 I attended the babyshower of one of my sisters friends and college roommate with my sister and mom, and when going around talking about the mom to be and just positive things, my mom called her “her second daughter”. With me sitting right next to her.

Another girl present who was in my grade and pregnant as well gave me such a pitying look.

My mom never apologized.

I tried to get my dad to come to a convention on a Sunday with me once, a couple of years after he divorced my mom. I was giving him a second chance, which was naive and stupid. He hadn’t been around consistently around for YEARS before the divorce, because “military”. when he actually just, yknow, had a side piece and a secret daughter. During my formative years. And missed my concerts and graduation and everything. But I digress.

I’ve had a hard time getting people to care about anything im into or what im doing, so I was excited he’d finally get to see my costume and my friends and what it’s all about. Was so excited someone else FINALLY was interested in seeing what im all about.

I paid for my ticket already and he was gonna buy a Sunday ticket, 30 dollars (very cheap for the time for conventions), and bring me home when we were done, since my friends couldn’t bring me home.

I’m sitting in the hotel lobby with my suitcase, in full cosplay, and I call him asking what time he’s coming and we can go get lunch. He asks me again how much the ticket is. I tell him 30 dollars, and he does that stupid exhale sigh thing like when you get sticker shock, and just says:

“30 dollars is more than I want to spend right now. Sorry.”

This from a man who always had to have the latest gadgets.

30 dollars was too much for one day.

My mother had to drive an hour to come get me with her new bf, because now I didn’t have a ride.

I haven’t spoken to my dad in 12 years for it. It’s clear he didn’t care about me.

I’m still having a problem with people caring about me. He made it so much worse.

I’ve been where OOP is. I’m female, and my dad had no problem telling me to my face he wishes I was like the daughters of his friends. One, I’ve known my whole life and he’s tried to make us be friends. She’s a lovely person and a great human, but it was always hard for me to play nice with the girl I know he’d have traded me for in a heartbeat. At least, he would have back in the day. Don’t know if that’s better or worse.

I was never a “girly girl.” In fact, I can’t remember a time when I felt at ease in his presence. It seems my whole life he’s been yelling and denigrating and telling me that what I am is too - whatever. Too weird, too much, too dramatic, too loud, too opinionated, too naive. I read books, liked obscure TV shows, and was happier in the woods by a stream or staying up after midnight writing poetry than I was dressing up, going to fancy places or anything like that. I married a man who works a FT job, but you know, it’s not in finance or banking, so it’s basically one step above being a homeless drug addict (which my husband has never been, and he has treated me better than any male in my life.)

Sometimes I feel like we were born to misunderstand one another. To my dad’s credit, he keeps trying. And so do I. But I know I’m not to the daughter he wishes he had.

I see friends of mine who have dads that (at least outwardly) absolutely believe in their daughters. These girls are literally at the top of the profession I wanted to be in since I was 18. Me? I was really good at what I did, but got browbeaten until I agreed to leave that profession. I pretend that I wanted to leave (and maybe, at this point, it’s partly true) because the salary was low but the intrinsic value to our community was high. I’m now on the third iteration of a corporate career reinvention since I left that profession a decade ago.

Hell, I see the confidence my husband’s love and support gives our daughter and I’m SO happy for her, and overjoyed to have broken the cycle, but sad when I see daily what that little bit of unconditional dad love could have done.

And when my dad got his son almost three years after I was born, well, there really wasn’t a chance now for me, was there? Sure, I was asked once or twice if I wanted to do things they were interested in, but the interest or attention was never reciprocated. My brother is just like him, but, now as an adult, somehow colder and less humane. He and his wife tried to have kids. And while I’m heartbroken for my SIL that she endured IVF and miscarriage, because she is a good person, I am GLAD my brother won’t have kids. He’d be a terrible father. I mean, he’s rich so on the outside he’d look like an amazing father, but his kids would internalize his misogyny, prejudice, and, dear god, if he had a daughter, self-hatred and shame. We don’t even have the relationship OOP and his sister had because my brother has never, ever, ever stood up for me against anything. I mean, he’s given me advice, which I took, but taking my side? No. Hell, he can’t even give me a real hug.

So, I hope OOP’s mom continues to get on OOO’s dad about his bullshit. I hope she verbally won’t let him rest until OOP’s dad acknowledges he fucked up and works honestly and earnestly towards dealing with whatever it is that’s keeping OOP’s dad from realizing he has two good kids, even if one doesn’t like cars.

When I was a teenager my dad told me I'd never amount to anything.

Once I could get away from him I've never told him anything about my life. Whether or not he was right (and so far he isn't.) he'll never know.

I can't have kids because of the neglect and abuse I suffered. I wouldn't want to anyway because his genetics, half of which are mine, are damaged due to almost seventy years of inbreeding since 1850 or so. I wouldn't want to give someone even a 2% chance of the conditions I've seen in his family and in myself.

It's too late for my dad to be a decent father. It's too late to be anything but a sperm donor.

But any of you out there who could or are about to have kids should learn from these stories. You will shape another life, another person. Your actions, your words, your decisions will shape and influence another human being.

Be. Better.

Fuck. Shouldn’t have clicked on this one. Brought back some feelings.

When I was 23 I was having a hard time fitting in at school. I kept getting bullied by some of the kids there.

It got so bad I came home with bruises which in turn got my mom into what she thinks is mama bear mode. We had a meeting with the principal and the counselor at school.

I laid out my grievances, they said they'd do better at cracking down on bullying, and that was that. Nothing changed at school.

On the way home (which was like 4 blocks, I walked to school every morning), my mom spouts off with, "if you were more normal youd never have these problems".

I'm now 39, have a strong inkling I'm autistic or ADHD or both, and keep thinking.... Yeah. Normal. I wasn't normal and if you'd had one fucking ounce of true parenthood in your blood then maybe you'd have cared enough to get me help 30 years ago.

That sentence and several others have stuck with me. Having shit parents is why we all go no contact when we finally get enough brains to realize that our parents are trash and don't deserve our attention

I have told this one before, but when I was 5 I was coloring pictures to wrap for Christmas presents for my parents, when my mom walked in, asked what I was doing, then said "who would want this? No one would want this for Christmas" then threw the pictures away. I was 5, but that mess still screws with me now at 37 years old. I make sure to praise everything the kids make for me. It also makes me appreciate whatever gift someone gives, because I have felt the pain of rejection at an early age, and I know how badly it can mess with your head.

Dear Fearless_Hornet,

I’m sorry that that man is your father let me be honest

Op's dad got a master's in DARVO.

I feel so bad for this kid. These cuts don’t heal.

OOP held that in for so long, I can't imagine the tension in the house. I'm glad it all came out for OOP's sake.

"When the truth is buried, it grows. It chokes. It gathers such an explosive force that on the day it bursts out, it blows up everything with it." -Emile Zola

I’m living for the father being eviscerated by all the comments. Fuck yeah. :D

"You’re exactly the kind of son I wanted to have" should only be said by someone who has no children.

This shit is why I hate the “Good Ole Boys” type of men. Overgrown little boys

OOP’s dad is a prick

I'd have started dropping nursing home pamphlets in his car, on his side of their bed (parents), on his spot on the sofa, hell even in the loo. EVERYWHERE he looks they shall be... then asked him which one he'd decided on should the need arise...

Glad OOPs mum wasn't tolerating the bs.

Props to the sister for being a ride-or-die MF..

I was really hoping that the dad wouldn’t act like how we all thought he would. BUT HE DID. She SMH

I don’t understand parents who can’t love their kids just because they’re not this way or that way. Simply not liking this or that. It’s just beyond me and it’s sad people like this man ever become parents. They don’t deserve to be parents