AITAH

r/AITAH871.4K subscribers35.9K active
r/AITAH Lounge

A place for members of r/AITAH to chat with each other

454
1.7K
2.7y
AITAH for showing up to my boyfriend’s house to a “family dinner” in lingerie

My boyfriend (35) and I (29) have been dating for 6 months. On Friday night we made plans to have a night in I was going to go over, we planned on making dinner together, watch movies, and I was to spend the night.

On Thursday I had some Holiday shopping to do. while shopping after work and saw some cute lingerie, I thought I’d surprise my boyfriend with it on Friday night so I bought it.

Friday after work I took a shower, did my hair, makeup, and got dressed. It’s pretty cold where we live so I put on some knee high boots the lingerie and a knee length coat only lol. And headed to my boyfriend’s apartment.

He gave me a key recently so I used it to get in since he knew I was coming over and had plans together. To my surprise when I got there he was not alone his mom was in from out of state.

This was my first time meeting her. My boyfriend and his mom kept telling me to take off my jacket but I couldn’t because all I was wearing was lingerie.

After I couldn’t say no any longer. The only thing I could come up with was asking my boyfriend if he could give me my sweats I keep at his apartment because I was so cold.

When we got into his room he asked me why I was being so weird about my jacket and why I wouldn’t take it off.

When I told him, he busted out laughing. I did as well to be fair he told me he was sorry about his mom but she came in out of state on a surprise visit.

After recovering from the laughter my boyfriend well being a guy said can I at least see it before you change. I let him because that was the whole point…. He walked over to kiss me while he was kissing me his mom opened the door and lost it.

She started calling me a whore and screaming about me fucking her son in her face. My boyfriend was angry and started yelling at her as well about her being unfair and not knocking on the door before opening it.

Needless to say meeting her went terribly, my boyfriend kicked his mom out, and I feel so bad about the whole thing.

So AITHA? *The ONLY reason I sort of feel like the asshole is because of the issue and riff between my bf and his mom now. I don’t really know what else I personally could have done differently. *

AITAH for telling my sister she needs to teach her son some manners in front of other parents?

My sister asked to use my house to throw her son’s 9th birthday party because my house is bigger and my nephew wanted to invite kids from his class. I didn’t mind at all and let her. The party is happening and there were about 7 kids from class and then 5 of his cousins here. 4 of the parents stayed for the party which was fine. One boy needed to leave half way through because he had another party to go to. He wanted my nephew to open the gift he got before he left so my sister agreed. The child had gotten my nephew some candy and a few toys. As my nephew pulled candy out of the bag he proceeded to tell everyone “I do NOT like these here you can just have them back.” I said “that was a little rude, (sister) you need to teach (nephew) some manners, he shouldn’t tell someone he doesn’t like the gift they got him.” She proceeded to get loud and say “excuse me I teach my kids that if they don’t like something someone gives them they need to tell them so they don’t get it for them again!” I was in disbelief she said this. I just wandered into the living room. No one said anything more about it. I am sitting here playing the screen over in my head thinking maybe I am wrong for saying that? Maybe she is right? Idk. I need to put my mind to rest about this.

Husband (33m) told me(35f) that I should be miserable

So long story short. We are in the process of selling our house. It's sold conditionally. Our young daughter has been having issues eating. Today for the first time she opened her mouth to eat food. I was was happy! I also talked to my mom which made me in a good mood and I went for a run. So I was beaming! He walked downstairs and made a big stink how he didn't want me to sing and dance in front of him because we haven't sold the house. He is absolutely miserable. He said that we stillbhave things to do to prepare for the inspection etc. I told him that's fine but I am in a good place right now and I am so happy. I suffer and am suffering currently from pretty severe depression and suicidal ideation. (Goign to the Dr tomorrow to get better meds and be assessed).

Am I the asshole for genuinely being happy for the first time in weeks? Now I'm so miserable I want to cry.

He's now giving me silent treatment while I'm sitting crying here.

Edit: I don't have many close friends that I can talk to, and I needed validation right away to keep me from going crazy. Anyway. We talked and good news he knows that he messed up. I understand that a lot of you say leave etc but he is stressed out and took it out on me. I don't blame him. 1 of the comments mentioned that I'm probably in bed all day etc.very untrue I workout daily, cook, clean ( I'm a neat freak) and have 3 kids too look after. At the end of the day he is human too and makes mistakes. We are not perfect but I know he is trying and I am trying too. Happy ending ❤️

652
234
4h
AITAH for telling my sister that she’s being a social climber by trying to manipulate her daughter in her relationship with her wealthy boyfriend

My sister has four daughters, and for the past two years, she's been hyper focused on her second daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. The daughter, my niece, stared dating her boyfriend a while ago but her mother didn't find out until much later that her boyfriend is from a very wealthy and well known family. Not sure how she didn't know, but I suspect my niece didn't tell her this and my sister only found out after she met the boyfriend and found out whose son he is.

Ever since then, my sister is trying to manipulate and 'manage' her relationship to get her to push this guy into commitment. Telling her what to say to him, how to be with his family, etc. Then she gets mad when my niece does it her own way.

She recently told my niece not to move in with him when he asked her if she would. My sister told her to tell him that she would only do so when they are engaged in order to push a commitment. My niece didn't do this and has agreed to move in with him without an engagement. My sister was berating her in front of me and I lost my cool and told her that she shouldn't train her daughter to be a social climber and that she herself was acting like one.

We had an argument and she said she had her daughter's best interest in mind and that this guy clearly loved her a lot, so getting him to commit was in her best interests. We haven't talked much since. Anyway, my niece is lovely and mature, so I am confident that she'll make the right decisions independently. But was I an asshole towards my sister?

My husband is mad about a vasectomy gift

I got my husband a gift basket on the day he got a vasectomy. It had a bunch of snacks he likes and some silly puns on post-it’s. i was trying to be cute and funny and lighten the mood a little. I put it on the seat of the car as I was driving him to the appointment.

When he got in the car he grabbed the basket off of his seat. I said that’s for you! Without looking at anything in it, he put it on the car floor, said thank you uninterestedly, and opened Facebook on his phone to start scrolling.

I asked him if he was going to look at it and he said he saw it. I asked if he was maybe going to actually see what I put in there, I thought it was cute and mildly humorous. He said it was not cute or funny, he gets the joke and he already saw it. He was snappy and had a mean tone.

We blew up into a huge fight on the way because he said my timing was bad. I told home it was rude to not even look through the stuff as I had put effort in and thought about him. He said that he was nervous and having a bad few days, this day was about him and I was making it all about me. Am I the asshole?

Update: he was 110% on board with this. We talked very frankly about it for months beforehand, and he knew this was his decision alone

I am on the autism spectrum and have a hard time reading people. I genuinely posted here to try to understand, and i see i should have waited to give him the gift, and should have been more emotionally receptive.

I wasn’t trying to be a comedian goddess, it was intentionally stupid puns, more about the snacks he likes. I didn’t expect him to gush love, i just didn’t expect him to be mean. I’ve been helping him prep for this and took the time off of work to take care of him. He also apologized for being a jerk after the surgery.

AITAH Cancelling cheating wife’s visa

My wife and I have been together 7 years we have a 5 year old son whom at the moment she allowed for him to come to the states to start school, to keep the story short I found pictures of her and her affair partner on his socials, once I found this I cancelled her visa interview and I told her I did but she thought I was bluffing and still went feeling entitled to a visa because of our son, now she wants me to take him back and take him out of school because I cancelled her visa. AITAH for canceling her visa at the last minute because I discovered the rumors of her cheating on me were true?

Aita for “ruining my boyfriends family Christmas”

So my(21f) boyfriend(25m) is very close with his family and I know they mean a lot to him. We have been together for a while now and are moving in together next month. He was deployed for several months, and returned home from deployment two days before Thanksgiving. Instead of spending any time together when he got home, we got up the next morning and went straight to his family’s house in Tennessee to spend the holiday with them. We agreed before he even got home that we will be spending Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family back in Georgia where we live because I have younger siblings and lots of children in my family who still believe in Santa Claus and the Christmas magic. Plus my mom just remarried and this is the first holiday my little brother will be expected to spend with the new step family, who treat us very poorly because we are from her previous marriage.

Long story short we had a great time up there for Thanksgiving. We stayed for almost a week. I took an unpaid vacation right before the holidays in order to make that happen for him with the understanding that I would get to be with my little brother for Christmas morning. While we were up there for the holiday, my boyfriends mom found out that we were planning on spending five days leading up to Christmas with her in Tennessee then driving back down to Georgia on Christmas Eve so I can spend Christmas with my family. This turned into a big fight where she insisted that he had to be home on Christmas day itself because Christmas means so much to his dad and his grandparents are coming.

We tried to explain, would be spending the entire week leading up to Christmas with them just not Christmas morning since there are children in my family who believe that’s when Santa Claus comes. His family is very upset that I am refusing to come up for Christmas and my boyfriend does not want to spend the holidays separate so we are at a bit of an impasse. I know he has been gone and he wants to spend time with his family. It makes sense to me and I would be ok with splitting the holidays and doing them separately but everyone in his family is an adult so I don’t see any reason we can’t just do Christmas on the 24th with their family if hes insistent he doesn’t want to spend Christmas away from me. Aita for refusing to cave on this? I think it’s only fair that we each get to spend a holiday with our family.

Edit for the record, he IS pushing back against his family for this and advocating for me to see my brother for Christmas but I am starting to feel really guilty about the whole thing because I know his mom is putting a lot of pressure on him and that he feels terrible about disappointing his family. I don’t want to make it out as if he is just caving to their bs I’m just not sure if its worth his family being this upset or if I should just cave and do Christmas with them as to not rock the boat

AITAH for not giving my son’s half siblings mother half the money their father sends me?

Sorry for the title being confusing. I had a hard time figuring out how to word it. I’ll try to lay out everything more clearly here.

I have a son with a man named Michael. Michael has two other children with a woman named Kathleen. Neither of us is currently in a relationship with Michael and don’t exactly know where he is because he moves around a lot. Kathleen and I as well as Michael’s parents do keep in touch for the kids.

Every month Michael will send me money through his friend. Given Michael’s distain for her and her financial difficulties I assumed that he was not sending her any money. I didn’t want to seem like I was bragging or anything so I never brought up the money that Michael was sending me.

Apparently she always assumed I had a high paying job and only recently found out from Michael’s parents that was not true and it came to light that Michael was sending me money.

So now she wants me to give her half the money that Michael is sending me. She even suggested she was being generous since she should really get 2/3rds since she has two kids with Michael and I only have one.

The thing is giving away half the money would really be a big financial blow to me and my son. It would mean a drastic change in our lifestyle and we would have to move. I also wouldn’t be able to put aside any more money for emergencies or for his future education. So far I only have a small amount saved, but by the time he’s 18 it should be a good amount to get him started.

I do realize this is unfair to Kathleen and her kids, but as my son’s mother I do feel like it’s my job to put him first and set him up for the best future I can. Ultimately I think we can all agree that Michael is the main asshole here, but I wonder if I am too. I can live with it if I am being an asshole too, but maybe knowing how much I am will help me with how I further interact with Kathleen.

My sister made a reservation at a hotel for Christmas, told me dogs were allowed. Apparently they aren’t, I said I wasn’t going and refused to pay my part. AITAH?

My (25F) sister (37F) was excited about going to a nature hotel for Christmas with all our family members included. She sent me pictures of the place, it was a very nice place to stay for Christmas. My boyfriend and I live together and we both have 2 dogs. We’re leaving our youngest (a border collie) in daycare for those days were going to be gone. But we also have a Golden Retriever who is 3 years old and he has grown to dislike male dogs. He’s also not used to daycare, and gets separation anxiety when he’s not with us. Our BC on the other hand is more social and outgoing with others, doesn’t mind to sleep somewhere else, etc.

The first thing I asked my sister was if I was allowed to take Noah(our golden.) since there’s no one of the fam who can take care of him on Christmas, such a special date.

She said yes, that dogs were allowed. I told her then we were going that it wasn’t an issue. She made the reservation and had to pay some for us to get the place for that day. She sent me out the link which said dogs are not allowed. I then ask her again, hey are you sure they are allowed? I sent her a screenshot of the part of the link where it said they weren’t. She again said “i’m sure the owner of the place won’t say no to us paying him a lot of money just because of a dog”… i talked this out with my boyfriend and he said we should confirm with the owner.

I texted him via Whatsapp and he told me that dogs were 100% not allowed. I sent that out to my sister and she says “we see what we’ll do”. I told her that if Noah can’t go then we can’t either. She got angry at me yelling that we had to pay our part because she can not pay for what we were meant to pay. I told her that i was not going to pay a lot of money if we weren’t going. She said that our dog was our problem and we needed to see how we solved it. That it was up to me to see if dogs were allowed or not. I told her she lied to me and that I was not going to pay, because we were not going. AITA?

AITA for hesitating to give my mixed ethnicity son a name strongly associated with black males?

I'm white, and my wife is black. She teaches kindergarten, and I teach high school. I honestly think being a teacher makes it much harder to find a name. There are very few names that don't immediately remind us of students or parents.

My wife has always loved a name that is very strongly tied to black males. It's a family name on her side and means a lot to her. Let's use the name Jayshawn for reference. She suggested it, and I told her that I didn't really like it but would be okay with naming him Shawn or Sean if it was really important to her, but that I didn't like Jay. I previously had shut down Sean/Shawn because of a student we had, and my wife asked why I was suddenly okay with Shawn. I told her that I still didn't love it but was willing to compromise. I said that I'm sure our son will erase the current connotation I had with the name.

She accused me of trying to "whitewash" the name she suggested and asked why I didn't like Jayshawn. I told her I just didn't like it, and she asked if it was because I thought the name was ghetto. I told her that I didn't think it was ghetto but it's mostly associated with black men, and our child wouldn't just be black. He would be equal parts white and should have a name that reflects that. She said that my cultural background would be passed on with my last name and giving him a name like Jayshawn would be honoring both cultures. I disagreed. I'm not looking for a name only associated with white males and think we can find a compromise if we keep searching, but my wife has shut down the conversation because she believes I'm being an asshole. This morning she said, "You know people will see him as black even if we name him Chad, right?" When I tried to talk about it, she said she didn't want to talk further, but I feel like she's trying to eliminate the white part of him.

AITAH for being mad that my boyfriend's ex wife ruined my birthday plans?

I'm a 38 year old female. Been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. His ex has always been an issue but we deal with it. He has a 14 year old son. I don't have much of a relationship with him because his mom doesn't like the fact that his dad moved on after the divorce and she hasn't. She was caught cheating BTW and the man she cheated with went back to his wife. So, she is bitter towards us. Now, my boyfriend and I have been making plans for my birthday. We planned a day together, going on a short road trip and then dinner. My boyfriend already told his ex that he would be out of town that day if their son needed anything. Everything was fine up until that morning. He gets a call that his son's mother has decided to go out of town and she was dropping their son off. I asked him to inform her that we had plans as discussed previous and she needs to adhere to the plans. It was her weekend to have him anyway. My boyfriend refused . Any other time, I tell him his kids come first but this was my day. My one day out of the year that I ask to be accommodated. I never ask for anything during the holidays, this is just MY day. His son gets bored easily and is constantly complaining so the entire day will be miserable with him constantly wanting to go home. My boyfriend asked if we could reschedule. I told him NO!! This is the one time I ask him to do for me and he can't. I told him to have a great day with his son, I was going to celebrate by myself. He got mad and said I was not being fair. I explained to him that it isn't fair for him to coward down to his ex wife and stick the plans. She KNEW we were going out of town. So I left and did my own thing by myself. AITAH for celebrating my birthday without him?

AITA for puking while giving a bj?Advice Needed

I 20F was hooking up with 21m when I accidentally puked while giving him a bj.He kept pushing my head down and wouldn’t stop despite me tapping his thigh. He triggered my gag reflex. I was very apologetic, extremely embarrassed, and said sorry. A small tiny amount of it got on his shirt. Like two dots. I said let me make it upto you. Probably get it laundered or something. But he was very rude and called me the worst sex, weak and that he couldn’t stand the smell. And said ugh.

While I understand I made a mistake. That doesn’t justify him talking to me like this. I’m weak?! It feels like he is trying to manipulate and gaslight me. I am curvy/fat, and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of my size, however I have had people try to break my self esteem down and try to manipulate me before. He said he needs time to process this and hasn’t texted me since. Ngl, when he called me weak I got mad and cussed him out too. Especially given he hasn’t been able to/ purposely make me finish thrice (we hooked up twice before , this happened the third time). I don’t care if he doesn’t text me back. Or doesn’t hook up again. But he doesn’t get to talk to me or berate me like this either. It was a mistake and I apologised. It feels like he said it to make me feel bad about myself and later on make me do whatever he wants.

Am I in the wrong here? Is what I did really that bad? Am I the asshole here and overreacting?

AITAH for refusing to help my FIL with a vehicle?Advice Needed

Edit for clarity & to address the most common responses: My husband acts as a buffer against FIL for the sake of my sanity. He has told FIL multiple times that the vehicles are not his to do anything with, but the man is intentionally dense. His wife cannot legally own a car as it cannot be registered in her name (no license) I will not loan/rent him a vehicle as I can't trust that he will maintain it.

I (38F) have been married to my husband (43M) for almost 15 years. My FIL has never really accepted me as family. He referred to me as "my son's wife" for the first 5 years of my marriage & when he convinced us to go halves on a property insisted on only his & my husband's names on a survivors deed, "in case we divorced". In the last few years, he has struggled financially due mostly to poor choices he made. His wife, husband's step mom, is much older & has medical problems leading him to choose to work mostly from home. He has traded in vehicles numerous times in the last few years, supposedly trying to lower his payments, but is always upside-down on the loans that it doesn't work. He is paying close to $1000 a month on a minivan. Now here is my problem.

My FIL is currently trying to guilt trip my husband into giving him one of several vehicles I inherited. I had two uncles pass away 3 weeks apart during the holidays more than a year ago & I am still going through the probate process because they passed so close together. I do not have the court's permission to do anything with their vehicles yet.

He told my husband how much it would help him to have one of the vehicles so that he could let his car go back on repo & not have to make the payments. I may have considered it too, if he had waited more than a couple weeks after my both uncles passed away. I was, quite litterally, knee deep in a horders paradise, trying to clean out their apartment within the month to avoid having to pay rent because i couldnt afford it and had no access to their money (strike one). He picked out which vehicle he wanted, the most valuable of the 4, rather than asking if we had plans for them yet (strike two). Then he asked my husband to give him said vehicle (strike three). As a cherry on top, asked my husband again (still has never asked me) to give him a $10k vehicle after we pay for all the little repairs it needs, of course.

Here is where I might me the Asshole: Do I need the vehicle? No. Could I use the money from its sale? Yes, but I could live without it, too, as our finances are better now. Will I sign it over to him? Never. This is far from the first time that man has shown utter disrespect for me & he can pay for rides before I give him any vehicle. Yes, I am probably being a little childish. The only reason I hesitate, I actually like his wife & it would help her to some extent.

Edit to add: My husband has already told me that the vehicles are mine & I can do whatever I want with them.

Since it's been mentioned a few times: he has been bought out on the property & my name added.

My wife pi$$ed her family off

My wife pi$$ed her family off and I helped with it! I'm not sure if we are in the right or wrong? (Why I'm posting this) her family has ALWAYS been against her, they gave her, her first car and held the title over her head, they would scream at her and make her do EVERYTHING around the house! Skip to about 2 years later, my wife's family needs a car, we have one we are trying to get rid of but we don't want to get screwed out of the money, so we keep the title. Her family is demanding the title before giving us the payment and we both said no! AITAH for not giving them the title? Because we don't want to lose money??

AITAH for “getting my friends sunburnt at the beach”

I 17(F) have always been sunsafe. My two friends let’s call them Jenna and Chloe, have always made me feel slightly “over paranoid” for how cautious I am in the sun. I’m always reminding them to put on sunscreen and hats, and also voice my concerns about the sun in certain situations. We went to the beach one day and it was really hot and I got a little bit sunburnt on my face so I told them that I wouldn’t go to the beach unless we had some sort of shade umbrella or shelter. Let me tell you I live in a very hot climate with bad ozone protection.

Fast forward, my two friends invited me to the beach again and told me they had a tent this time for the sun. I agreed to go but I also made my own mistake which was agreeing to go at peak UV (in the middle of the day). When we got to the beach we tried to put up the tent but it was too windy so we gave up. This made me really nervous. I told them we would really have to put on a lot of sunscreen then and they both informed me they didn’t bring any. My sunscreen was almost out so I was hesitant to give it out. They said that they thought I would just bring some because of how sunsafe I am and that it was “my job” (a joke again about me being cautious). I gave in and just gave them tube and told them to put some on their faces. Jenna said “I don’t tan with sunscreen on”. I made a joke about how being burnt raw is not what I considered a tan to which she just laughed off and said “maybe for you”. They both basically put the smallest amount on their face and nowhere else. I will admit I didn’t want them to use my sunscreen because I wanted to be able to reapply and it isn’t my responsibility to take care of them because they forgot. It was also basically almost gone anyway.

We spent a few hours in the water and I was met with a question. My mum passed away from cancer when I was young and Jenna had respectfully asked what type of cancer it was. When I told her she made an untastefull comment that she thought it was skin cancer due to how worried I always am about it. (It wasn’t skin cancer btw) Again I was made to feel stupid and paranoid for just being responsible.

After we got out of the water I said I didn’t want to stay any longer because I wanted to go in the shade. The girls proceeded to lie in the sun for 10 minutes for their clothes “to dry”. I couldn’t leave because I didn’t know where the exit was (it all looked the same)

A few hours after when I got home. I got photos of the girls completely red all over. I’m talking probably second degree burns that would have a nasty peel. They were burnt badly even on their faces.

A few days later I got a message from Jenna saying she’s been avoiding me because she’s upset I “didn’t let her use my sunscreen” and she thought that it was immature of me and she has been in pain for days.

In summary I told her I was upset she was blaming it on me and that it’s not my responsibility . I said if she would have used some common sense she wouldn’t be in this situation. I mentioned her choosing to lie on the beach, how she made me feel stupid the whole time, how the comment about my mother upset me, and that we could have left the beach or gone and bought sunscreen but didn’t. I also mentioned the tanning jokes she continued to make.

AITAH because she got burnt ?

UPDATE- she’s now said she understands but she thought our relationship was tit for tat and we help eachother when in need. She said she was upset because she would do that for me. She said she’d give it to me without thinking twice even if it was low because she puts my safety first.

Guys I looked at the tube… there wasn’t enough sunscreen to even cover one of those girls. Everyone would still be burnt we live in Australia!!

AITAH My husband asked me if he could watch porn while I was pleasuring him.Advice Needed

We(37M +46F) recently got married and l noticed we both watch a bit of porn since we had no recent sexual partners before marriage. It became more obvious when he started watching porn as I gave him handjobs and BJs. I didn't say anything because it was a quieter and quicker way to cum. We live with his mom and now have long term guests. For him, he said it gives him that extra 'motivation' to cum. I then noticed he preferred handjobs and BJs than penetration. When I asked him he said he prefers penetration but he can't really cum that way. So I finish him off with BJs. And he has started to watch porn while we have intercourse. So I proposed we watch less porn and not have sex everyday. Every other day or just a bit of teasing and fondling on the inbetwern days. He agreed and seemed fine. That same day but at night we had fallen asleep but in the middle of the night we wanted to do it. I was giving him a BJ and it seemed like he was really enjoying it. He does every time. But he asked if he could watch "a video"(porn). I stopped and cleaned my face off. And rolled over, cried(silently) mysekf to sleep. He was silent. He had spooned me but then turned around to sleep.
So AITAH for stopping as soon as he asked to watch porn on the same day he agreed we should stop? How would you handle this?

UPDATE: My husband has read the post and comments. We have discussed the issues and will work together. We will both stop watching porn and have more quality over quantity time in the bedroom. If things need to be talked over with a therapist, we will. Thank you for the comments, advice, support, and opinions. You were all very polite and I greatly appreciate how much this has enlightened me and given my insight from different perspectives. Bless you all. May your sex life flourish. Thank you from the heart.

AITA for getting refusing to punish my daughter for fighting back against school bullies and taking her to go get ice cream instead?

New to Reddit, not exactly sure how to post and fake names.

For some context I’m (36M) Bengali by origin so my skin and hair are dark in contrast to my ex wife Alice (35F) is white, we met in college and got married before graduating. We have a daughter Noor (10f) who many of my features such as dark skin and hair. This is an important component to the story. Alice and I divorced (I won’t discuss details but it was amicable) when Noor was 8 and are generally in good terms and have 50/50 custody of Noor. While Alice is a good mother, she can be tone deaf sometimes especially in the topic of racism. There may be somethings that looks like fillers but I feel they are relevant to the story.

Recently due to Alice’s job, she moved to a new location, enrolled Noor in the school district for the new year. She convinced me it was an excellent district. Its 30 minute drive from where I live. I visited the neighborhood saw that its like 95% white and Noor is one of the handful of kids in her school that isn’t white. I expressed my concern to Alice that she might be a target of racist bullying (I went through something similar at that age) but she reassured me that it will be fine, I reluctantly agreed but had my doubts. This isn't to say it was all bad, Noor did make a few friends in that school. Less than a month after, my suspicions are confirmed. Noor has been a target of racist bullying by some of her classmates. Teachers did nothing either because they can’t or just won’t despite some of these altercations being recorded. Even the friends Noor made who saw the bullying and reported it was largely ignored. At best, its a slap on the wrist.

Alice instead of being supportive gives Noor unsolicited lectures about kindness and friendship and the vIoLeNCe iSNt tHE aNSwER reply when I encourage Noor to stand up for herself. I again remind Alice that her sentiment isn’t helping Noor. It was like she isn’t even trying to listen to Noor and understand her predicament. Noor always talks to me about this because she's also come to realize Alice doesn't understand. The violence isn't the answer sentiment is especially real rich since I've seen Alice glamorizes pink and rainbow imperialism (thinking weapons manufacturers like Raytheon celebrating pride month or rainbow liveries on missiles in Rad or badass or whatever, my criticism of the military industrial complex is a topic of its own, as Malcolm X said about white liberals)

Anyways. A while back before our divorce, against Alice’s wishes I enrolled Noor in karate near at a karate school near her and now she has one class during her time with me. Its not the only thing that happens during her time with me, we do other activities she enjoys together as well as helping with homework. As I said I myself dealt with bullying and enrolled in martial arts classes during college days and got stronger, more fit, etc. I have had to use my skills a few times here and there but nothing too serious. When Noor was born, I promised myself I would never allow her to be bullied like I was. Alice told Noor that if she fought, she'd be in deep trouble regardless of who started it and this discouraged her. I must also add that Noor is a bit smaller in size than most of her classmates so that made her an easy target and I taught her some dirty moves. A few nights before the fight Noor called me, she sounded distraught and I was a mixture of mad at Alice, heartbroken for Noor. I told her she doesn't have to listen to her mom and she can say I said she can fight back if she has to. BUT, I said to her that if she has to resort to fighting, so be it but not make sure its last resort, and to NEVER throw the first punch. She knows how to fight, as I mentioned I have taught her. Few weeks ago she fought back and used some of the dirty moves I thought her and landed some good hits and left 2 bullies with a few nasty bruises. Noor got a 6 day suspension, the bullies got 4 days (which is bullshit). Alice called to tell me what happened and she was mad, I was proud. I was working from home that day, told my boss I had an emergency so I rushed to the school and got there a little after Alice did. I came prepared.

Noor greeted me with a hug and I patted Noor's back and said good job with a huge smile before we went into principals office. Principal and another administrator came and I sat and listened to the school administrators about what happened I questioned her about her knowledge of the bullying Noor was subjected to and they acted shocked. I even highlighted some of the rules from the handbook to show them the punishment was unfair towards Noor. I was firm but civil. I told them about the multiple incidents where Noor was targeted and they did nothing they were unresponsive or trying to dodge the questions I had for them. They still tried to make Noor look like the culprit despite a teacher and few other students who witnessed it siding with Noor and telling them she was targeted and heard the bullies make nasty remarks to Noor. The meeting when on for like another 15 minutes and it ended with me hugging Noor and saying “good job, you did nothing wrong. Let’s go get some ice cream”. Much to the shock of Alice and others in the office. In the hall, One of the bullies mom was yelling racist remarks as we passed and saying Noor should be expelled and deported to which I said 'whatever Karen' to while another mom apologized to me and had her daughter apologize to Noor. I accepted the apology.

Alice was still mad at Noor as we stepped out the office to walk to our cars in the parking lot and started to yell at me for how I reacted and told me I was an asshole for “encouraging Noor to use violence”. Alice then tells Noor how she’s in deep trouble and will be grounded. I intervened and again reminded her that Noor did nothing wrong and will NOT get punished and said Noor is coming with me, I pressed the unlock button on the keys and told Noor to go sit in my car while Alice and I bickered.

I ended saying to Alice that “you should side with your daughter, not the school officials, are you seriously going to punish her for standing up for herself? is she just supposed to roll over and let people bully her like that”. First time I ever raised my voice at her and asked why is she not bothered by the racist bullying Noor faced like she is of her fighting back. She made an angry face told me I was a shitty dad and got into her car and drove off.

Noor and I drove up to a nearby ice cream shop and my phone was full of messages from my ex and well as few other from her side of the family calling me asshole especially my exMIL and exSIL accusing me of poisoning Noor. I decided to ignore them and just enjoy my ice cream and quality time with Noor.

Most are on my side especially my sister and BIL (her husband) telling me I did the right thing. A cousin of mine who laughed said that he understood my POV but I took it too far when I yelled at Alice. Even certain members of Alice's family side with me when I gave them details of what happened. So AITA.

AITA for telling my mom that my siblings don't need anything for christmas? My sister is angry with meAdvice Needed

My parents are house poor, they have a huge car note from buying a luxury car. They also live in a massive house they cant afford. My dad has a good job making 100k a year but my mom works retail and barely makes anything and they can barely get by. I told my parent's Don't buy us any christmas gifts. And also my brother'ss wife doesn't need anything either, She's got a closet full of LV. My sister heard me telling our mom not to buy us anything and she was like " Speak for yourself. I still want a free people gift card." I was like " Free people is high as hell. Mom and dad don't have free people money. stop being selfish. You're an adult buy it yourself."

My sister called me a bitch because she said it was none of my buisness what our parents bought her. She told me to stay in my own lane

but my sister is an attorney. She can buy herself all the free people she wants. But my sister snapped at me because she said mom was already planning on giving her a $200 dollar free people gift card.

I asked my sister does she feel guilty asking for christmas gifts knowing they are house poor. She was like " uhh no because I literally never ask them for anything. "

My sister was like " Honestly you sound controlling and jealous as well. You can't tell mom and dad what to buy us or what not to buy us. You can only speak for yourself."

AITAH for not letting a girl dressed as a “slutty elf” who ended up at my house borrow some sweats after she was uncomfortable and cold?

Edit: I said hello to Natalie this morning. She was very nice and accepted my apology and also said she was sorry for invading my space on Friday. She talks a lot which I guess I would usually find pretty annoying but I didn’t seem to mind with her. It turns out we both have a break between classes so we just stood there talking for about 20 minutes, well she talked I just nodded my head. When it was time to leave she said it was a really nice conversation which made zero sense because i didn’t say much but I went against my instinct to correct her. She said she’d like to do it again sometime and I said would too.

I posted this yesterday on another sub but they removed it because “there was no interpersonal conflict” so no one got to vote. I mean the conflict was between me and the girl and me and my sister. There’s a small update since I did the original while I was breakfast with my sister.

Not sure where to begin with this. I guess last night one of the more popular frats on campus was having a “Christmas on the beach” themed party so all around the bar area were girls dressed in bikinis with vague Christmas themes.

My roommate is dating this total nut job named Sydney and as far as I knew they were broken up. Well at like 2am he bombs through the door with Sydney and her friend in tow, both dressed like “slutty elves” with way too much skin showing. My roommate and Sydney went to his room and still haven’t come out. I was playing Fortnite and the other girl said she was the designated driver and was stuck would she mind if she charged her phone and hung out until she knew what Sydney was doing. I said fine.

Maybe 15 minutes later she said something like “I know this is so weird for both of us but I’m not here by choice, I just don’t want to bail on my friend but sitting here with a guy I don’t really know in a bikini is weird and I’m cold. Do you have some sweats I can borrow? I see you every Monday and Wednesday and I promise I’ll give them back.”

I told her no I wasn’t comfortable with that. She asked if I at least had a blanket. I found one in my roommates spare room but it was really small and said I was sorry it’s the best I could do. She fell asleep on the couch and i went to bed.

My older sister came to pick me up for breakfast and she saw the girl sleeping on the couch and asked why a half naked girl is sleeping under a baby blanket. In the car I told her what happened and she basically got so mad at me saying I had about 30 opportunities to be a really decent guy and I blew it. She said it sounds like the girl was trying to do the right thing by her friend and I could have let her use sweats, I could have let her sleep in my bed while I took the couch, I could have said that she should go home and I’d drive Sydney home…but basically I was an asshole because I left an apparently nice girl in a vulnerable position and I didn’t even care.

She said that I need to grow up if I want to have friends and have some empathy if I ever want girls to like me. She has no idea if that girl was into me or not but I missed a great “practice round” of treating someone in a nice way that they may reciprocate.

When we got back to my house my roommate, Sydney and the girl were gone. There was a sticky note on my door that said “thank you for letting me stay here, sorry it was weird. Please say hello sometime. -Nat” my sister said this was even more proof that I acted like an “anti-social weirdo” and she was just being nice and the reason I have never had a girlfriend is the way I acted last night.

AITAH?

Am I horrible person for going no contact with my mother?Advice Needed

I’m a (14) year old girl, and have gone no contact with my mother (43) for the last two months, and i’m not entirely sure if that makes me a horrible person or not. My mother was an alcoholic for most of my life, ages 7 to 13 and would relay on me to take care of her. I was expected to stay awake until 12am to 4am to let her into the house, help shower and feed her and was expected to do it all the next day. She never hit me, though she tended to get very anger when she was drunk, and would break things. Her alcoholism worsen in the last few years, and during the time I began to distance myself from her, despite us being very close when I was younger. My parents divorced last year, she cheated on my father, and i partly can’t forgive her for that either. I chose not to speak to her after the divorce, despite her sobering up. I just can’t forgive her, but sometimes when I’m alone, i can’t help but wonder if i’m being dramatic. my father or siblings all still speak to her, but we have quite the large age gap and never saw her like this. I’m just not sure if i’m horrible, but despite all of her alcoholism, i’ve never had a conversation with my mum where it didn’t end up in an argument. I just need help on AITA?

AITAH for giving my 20 year old an ultimatum or he has to move outAdvice Needed

I haven’t made a decision, but I feel like a compete asshole for thinking about doing this.

My son is about to turn 20. Right before covid hit, we moved to be closer to family. Our son was in high school at the time. He always struggled with school (he was smart but just wouldn’t do the homework so frequently failed classes. We did summer school, tutors, etc and he just would refuse to do the work). After we moved, it got worse (the online schooling didn’t help). When he went back in person, he just used it to socialize. Once he hit 18, he withdrew himself because he wasn’t going to graduate. The school and my husband and I tried to work with him to get his GED. He refused. He did get a job while in high school that paid minimum wage. So to him, he was set. He ended up moving out for two months, realized he just couldn’t afford it, asked to come back. We allowed it but said he had to get his GED, save money, no drugs, help around the house (pickup after himself). He agreed.

He’s now about to turn 20. He’s been home for over a year. My husband got him a job shortly after he moved back at his work, making more money. We gave him a grace period on the GED due to the job switch. It’s now been a year. Still no GED. He’s smoking weed all the time. He doesn’t do anything around the house. He’s not saving money. He’s disrespectful and bully’s everyone in the house. We have younger kids in the house and this is just causing everyone to be walking on eggshells around him.

I hate to kick him out knowing he can’t afford to be on his own. But I also can’t have him here, doing the things he does, not doing anything to better himself or prepare for a future.

My husband and I spoke and he feels we should give him until march 1st to have his GED. If he doesn’t, he has until end of march to be moved out. He needs to be putting some money away and have some end goal. I don’t care about a time frame of how long he’s here, that’s not a concern, our concern is his lack of a plan and even a goal. He’s frequently asking us for money (he makes over $2500 a month right now). I know I can’t make him stop smoking weed but he’s high all the time. I’m not ok with it, especially being like that around his younger siblings. I don’t know what to do. He recently started dating someone and already had a pregnancy scare. He can’t take care of himself let alone a child.

When I’ve tried to talk to him it’s always something. He’s busy, he’s stressed, the world is a horrible place, he’s depressed or anxious (I even tried to get him to go to the dr for any depression or anxiety, he went once and then wouldn’t go back because “calling to make the appointments was too much work and he hates calling places”).

AITAH for giving him the time frame to get his GED to get him moving in a direction, and if he doesn’t follow it, he has to move out?

AITA for wanting to ask my fiancé if he was SA'd by his mother?

I'm kind of at a loss here but I feel like I can't move forward with this engagement without knowing the truth. I will just start from the beginning. I came in to this relationship with 3 kids, who were then 1(male), 4(female) and 5(male). They are now 7, 11 and 12. During the first year I remember one time specifically that I was in the shower and my kids were out with my fiancé in the living room. My oldest (who was 6 at the time) came running in to the bathroom gushing blood from his nose. He has blood clotting issues so I just jumped out of the shower to stop the bleeding. I didn't have a towel on. My only thought process was to stop the bleeding, not cover up. Well, my fiancé came in to the bathroom and immediately walked out and slammed the door. Later that night he told me that I was going to "fuck my kid up" by not practicing modesty. That I'm a mother and shouldn't be walking around naked in front of my children. And made a point to tell me that he never saw his mom naked. He was so adamant about me going to fuck up my children by doing this that I actually thought I was a terrible mother. His reaction was intense. And at the time it didn't register that something was off. I figured he was just raised in a modest/prude household. We move forward.

But through the years, every single time his mother is around us I start questioning that day of his flip out. However, this past year things have been severe. His mom makes weird comments all the time. Talking about my fiancé breastfeeding but in a weird way. "I couldn't keep him off my boobs, right hunny?" Staring at him, squeezing his leg. Bringing up her sex life. Bringing up how she has gotten "no complaints" and staring at him while she says it. Has brought up helping him in the shower when he was 16 several times (she did NOT need to help him, as he only had a broken foot and could have done it himself). But the most recent is her taking about his pubes. She said something like "well we all know you've got plenty, right hunny?" Leaning forward staring at him, huge smile on her face. Which, weirdly enough, he has INSISTED on shaving since I've been with him and gets irritated if he can't so now I'm putting two and two together. Every single time she makes any of these comments, my fiancé immediately dead pans the floor. Won't look at anyone, nervous laughs or walks away completely.

Anyways.. now I'm going back to his flip out on me and I'm starting to see signs of possible SA inflicted by his mother that would cause such a harsh projection on to me, such as he did. I can NOT move forward without knowing the truth because this woman is around my kids and I am questioning everything. I don't want her near me and the kids if she did anything weird to him. I've found myself refusing to go to their family functions since her comments started really picking up. It's made me notice more. Like she never takes her eyes off him. Openly staring at his.. ya know. Anyways, I need to know or I can't do this. I need to know what I'm getting myself in to here. My best friend says I'm an AH because it "wouldn't change anything if I did know" and I'm just going to "cause awkwardness".

ETA: she also smacks his ass whenever he walks by her and it's just started to really amp up in the past year. There is no sign of health decline. This has just picked up since she said her BF doesn't satisfy her and that she's "in her prime". And since we got pregnant it picked up more too. Like she's trying to make claims on her son by telling him she's "indifferent" about the pregnancy and coming over randomly to "make sure he's okay". She has 3 other children (one of which is another son) but my fiancé is the youngest and she does not act like this with any of her other kids.

AITA for what I said to my Mom & MIL about them pressuring me to have a baby?Advice Needed

I’m a 25F who has lupus and fibromyalgia and was more or less bed bound for about a year from late 2021 - late 2022. I lost about 20-30lbs during this time and many members of my family saw this and constantly made comments on how “sick” and “underweight” I looked. My health has improved since then but I definitely still struggle with my disease and there’s always ups and downs. I recently got married and my family and his family have both been consistently asking me and my husband when we’re going to have a child. This is a sensitive topic for me because I want children but I’m very worried about the possible complications pregnancy and childbirth could pose to my already fragile health. My lupus has been flaring up a lot more lately due to the cold weather and I’ve been sick numerous times the past few months and everyone who’s been pestering me so much about having a baby knows this. This all has really getting to me lately, and yesterday, I guess I blew up on them. So, last night, me, my husband, my parents, and his parents all went to dinner. My mom and his mom both brought it up to me again and I (who already told both of them my concerns in the past with my health and childbirth) was blunt and told them how I’d read up on women with lupus and childbirth and my concerns with it. They both dismissed me and told me to try a bunch of bullshit essential oils and talk to the doctors on base (my husband is military which is why they said this, but I’ve already had horrible experiences with many doctors and it took me 5yrs to get diagnosed with lupus to begin with). I was just baffled at this point and felt so defeated and I just lashed out and stated that I wasn’t going to kill myself for a baby because the mortality rate for women with lupus is 300x higher than that of normal women in childbirth. My mom later told me that I shouldn’t have said this and I crushed my mother-in-law by telling her she was never gonna have a grandbaby, but I don’t feel like I was in the wrong here. I feel like everyone else has been prioritizing an unborn child over my health and so much stress is being put on me to have a child when I’m not even healthy right now. AITA for what I said to my mother and MIL?

Update: Thank you everyone for all the kind words and tips! I told my husband about this post and about how much this situation bothered me today, and he actually spoke to my mom and MIL and told them to stop talking about this topic to me because of how much it bothers me. Hopefully this helps.

AITAH for shoving a kid away after he tried ruining my birthday dinner?

I (15f) went out for dinner with three of my closest friends for my birthday. I had planned this for weeks and I was really excited since I had never done anything like this before. We go out and overall, the dinner was great and I was having a really good time. We decided for dessert to get a cake and the waitress put candles on it. While I was about to blow out the candles a little boy (about four or five) runs over and tries to blow them out. I awkwardly let him because I realise he’s just a kid. I was more annoyed at his mother who was just sitting there and watching the whole ordeal instead of intervening.

After he blew them out, He looked like he wanted to eat the cake too. Which I was one hundred percent sure I would not let him do. It was my cake that I paid for that I wanted to share with my friends. I immediately put my army to block him but he doesn’t stop. Meanwhile, his mom does nothing. He keeps trying to eat the food. After a few minutes of this. I shove him away, and he hits his back on the wall.

That’s when he begins crying and screaming. The mom comes up to me and berates me for hurting her son. My friends try to defend me but the mom doesn’t listen and keeps yelling. At this point, I’m annoyed and just want to leave. So we pay the bill and we go to a park and eat the cake there.

I don’t know if I’m the AH or not. My friends think that it wasn’t my fault but I do feel bad for shoving the boy that hard. So am I the AH?

Edit: Thank you everyone for your advice! It definitely means a lot to me. I’ve been looking through the comments and I’ve seen a lot of people saying I should’ve yelled and said something to the mother, which I agree with. I didn’t because I really wasn’t intending on beginning an argument and causing a scene. I also have some problems relating to social anxiety, which makes it harder for me to confront others, but nevertheless, I should’ve said something.

I’ve also seen some people calling me ‘anti-child’ which is definitely not the case. I love kids and I have three younger siblings. A lot of people have said that shoving him was way too harsh. I want to add that the boy was physically fine. He wasn’t hurt, just angry he wasn’t getting his way.

Another thing, something I forgot to mention was that, yes. We did get another cake. Not just because of him spitting all over it but because he had put his hand inside it and grabbed a big chunk of it.

AITA for telling my mom that I would disinvite my father to my graduation if she invited him?

I posted this in another subreddit but figured I could also get some advice from here too! I'm also kind of new to posting so forgive me for bad formatting.

Recently I have argued with my mom about this so I came to reddit to help settle the matter. I F17 am going to graduate in May 2024, that being said I have started figuring out who is allowed and who is not allowed to come to my graduation ceremony and my graduation party. I have invited all of my paternal family except for my father himself. Me and my father have never gotten along, in my earliest years he physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me and he has tried to gaslight me for years into believing it never happened. The abuse messed me up very badly, I was told that I may have depression and anxiety at the age of 10 and confirmed it at 13. To say that his abuse caused me damage would be an understatement. Everyone knows I have no intention of staying in contact with him when I turn 18, my 18th birthday is in February so I do not have to talk to him after that.

Lately my mom has been talking about letting him know after she finds out when and where the ceremony is and inviting him and his gf. I don't get along with either, she once allowed her kids to touch me after eating peanuts to which I am deathly allergic to and his gf insulted my mom multiple times while I saw her when I was visiting my father. I refused to let him come and that if he did I would not walk the stage or attend the ceremony at all. She got mad and said my father is not as bad as he used to be (he is not as neglectful or abusive), I argued that he destroyed my confidence and ruined my self-image, I hated looking at myself because of him. I told her not to invite him because if he was invited I would never forgive her.

My step dad said my father has called me more and communicated more with me, that he is making more of an effort. I said he's doing that because he's finally realizing that he's losing time to fix what he messed up, I then said that he realized too late and that I hate him and never want to see, hear, or be around him, especially not for a day as important and sentimental as this. I said he had many chances, he missed my Elementary graduation and Middle school, and my middle school graduation was on Zoom, he really had no excuse. He doesn't get to play dad when it's most important or when it makes him look best, if he really wants to look like a good parent he can go and parent the only child he actually loves, my half brother C7. My mom yelled at me saying my father did love me, he just had a difficult way of expressing it. I said maybe he should have tried to express it in other ways than abusing, gaslighting, and neglecting me. The argument ended with me telling her if she invited him I would not forgive her for betraying me and not respecting my boundaries and that I would end up just disinviting him myself and telling him exactly why.

So, Reddit, AITA for telling my mom I would disinvite my father from my graduation ceremony and party if she invited him and that I would tell him the reason why?