Didn't see that one on purpose, but was it worse than George Clooney as Batman?

Own your hobbies with pride! Please, I meant no offense to the entire hobby. I'm not married to a car guy but he's a fishing guy, hunting guy, and homesteading guy. All productive and expensive, but we balance it with my own expensive/time-consuming hobbies (writing and gaming), which are not so productive.

What I was picking up on in the OOP, and this goes for any hobby, is that the wife had a last straw moment over her husband's hobby for a multitude of reasons besides time away from family, namely expense. She probably saw the whole Mason thing coming a mile off but didn't say anything because the poor kid lost his father. The comparison between the neighbor boy and her own son, though? She wasn't having any of that. Good on her.

Bravo for completing the project(s) and getting to enjoy them together as a couple. That's worth the time and money spent. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not sure in the OOP that his dad's project has any hope of being finished (lol, like my novel).

Dad's hobby is grossly expensive, too. I bet Mom's reaction had layers to it and she's probably had to sacrifice and forego who knows what over that stupid-ass thing.

My husband has said this about me to me, that I'm difficult to love. He's also said a bunch of other crap, too, and wonders why I can't let shit go.

I'm so very sorry for OOP to have heard this from a parent. I've been verbally, emotionally, and even physically abused in romantic relationships, but what keeps me treading water at my lowest is the fact that both of my parents love me unequivocally.

OOP has a wonderful sister who is ride or die and a mother who is willing to stand up for her child over her marriage. No wonder why he feels guilty, but in truth, he would probably do the same for them without a second thought. I hope he realizes how loved he is.

My kids all got at Christmas, too! WTH, right?

Ugh, it's a nasty sickness and makes the poor soul who has it absolutely miserable. In OPs case, it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. I hope that she doesn't get it/the worst of it, if she does.

I vote for going home. Whatever expensive experiences aren't worth it, and if he has HFM, they aren't going anywhere fast.

I, unfortunately, get this reference, and that story lives rent-free in my mind. I curse you for reminding me that it's still squatting there in the recesses of my memory. 🤢🤮

Yikes. You did not deserve that and she knows not your situation, but regardless, whatever your situation, it really doesn't matter. Your baby is happy, fed, and thriving. Sometimes, they unleashed the equivalent of a camel's bladder at the most inopportune times and she had no idea when and where that happened. Could've been while you were waiting in her slow-ass line.

Anyway.

I used to work with this lovely woman, super kind and well-meaning. I was pregnant with my first and all I craved was watermelon so bad that cucumber smelled like it. I'd eat whole cukes, salting a little bit per bite. She observed me consume one with my salt shaker in the other hand.

Afterwards, she came up to me with her sweet kindly smile and whispered lovingly to me, "Obey the cravings, hon, but watch your salt intake." She then punctuated her statement with a stern-faced motherly nod.

Little did she know that I had been "prescribed" salt by my doctor due to ridiculously low BP (for example, first thing in the morning, before I have anything to eat or drink, it can be as low as 80s over 50s).

People who knee-jerk mom-shame people don't know enough to say crap about anything. Let it roll off like water on a duck's back. They're the ones making an ass of themselves, not out of you.

Yes and no. It's important that you both agree on whatever name you settle on; everyone else's opinions only can weigh so much.

At some points, it did get frustrating, like with the second, we had the perfect girl's name picked and a short list for a boy. As I was being triaged in the middle of a particularly awful contraction (turned out to be back labor), my husband says to me, "We need a boy's name! I don't like any on our list!"

Oof, the look I gave him. In my head, I determined that it would be Spencer after all, which was my face, just for that comment.

Thank goodness we had a second girl and the name we loved suits her perfectly.

Mostly, it was a fun pastime during long drives, waiting for our food at restaurants, or laying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning.

It took my husband and me nine years to decide on a boy's name. Thank goodness we had two girls until we got surprised by a third, who did turn out to be a boy.

He was two days old and we were still in the hospital, bound to go home the next morning. That evening, he still didn't have a name. Now, supposedly, we had a month to figure one out for a (free) birth certificate but as I said to my MIL and husband, "This baby was not planned, so I'll be damned if he goes home without a name. I don't want him growing up knowing that."

Within five minutes, after nine years of capitulating, we finally had a name. And it's a name we both love and one that gets positive remarks.

You'd be amazed at what you can accomplish under fire like that. Sometimes, having the baby very real, squirming and cooing, in your arms has a way of truly inspiring you. Make a short list of mutually preferred names without attaching too much to any one name. Maybe Benny will win out, maybe not. None of our short list did!

In short, keep the discussion going but please don't fret too much. Good luck and happy (name) hunting!

Thank you for your wonderful well-wishes. I think the prognosis is still good. We're both stubborn and crazy-attracted to one another, and I'm hoping that this is what it means that marriage is work and this is fixable. It's certainly a marathon and I'm glad I chose a partner who loves me and is willing to put in the work for the long haul, whether thats staying married or moving on toward coparenting.

Just to be clear, he loves and adores our baby. Marriage hit the skids not because I didn't abort but because the pregnancy led to the worst PPD imaginable, and it opened a Pandora's box of rugswept issues. Any huge stressor during the marriage could've led to that perhaps, but we are dealing with it now in hopes for a better future.

I wish you well, too, and all the best!

I agree with you completely and I totally get what you're saying. Yes, it's ultimately no one's choice but the one who has to undergo either procedure (carrying to term or abortion, that is). However, in a healthy relationship, this is something that is discussed, determined, and supported.

OOPs wife is not in that situation. They both grew up in seriously abusive homes, they married after knowing each other since childhood (which given the background could be a serious red flag), and considering how he has made this all about himself and how he feels without really considering his wife's POV in any kind of depth, I sympathize with the wife's unfortunate approach.

FWIW, I had a surprise pregnancy after our second when my husband was adamantly against a third kid. He wanted me to terminate. Before marriage and again before family planning, we discussed our stances on abortion. I am prochoice but I could only go through with it for myself under extreme circumstances. I know my mind and how my OCD plagues me, and I know I would not be able to survive if I'm haunted by the decision. He misconstrued my agreeing to abort in cases of fetal or maternal health as also including matters of convenience. I simply cannot abort a healthy pregnancy (no judgment for those who do, hence why I'm prochoice. I know the limits of my fragile mental health).

So we preemptively started MC to have a neutral third party guide us through the conversation because there is no compromise on this. Ultimately, I decided to risk my marriage for my longevity and mental health. My husband concurred because he'd rather me alive and thriving and he wouldnt dream of forcing me, and we have a little boy we can't imagine living without. BUT our marriage has been suffering since and it's on life support despite us being at our most golden happiest at the time of conception.

OOPs wife had to navigate this on her own and my heart goes out to her, especially because when the truth came out, he didn't prove her wrong in her initial approach.

Same. All I read was "I I I I I."

Like dude, it isn't about you. Ideally, partners should be able to discuss to abort or not but obviously as he demonstrated here, he was not a safe partner for her.

Ultimately, regardless of what the couple discusses, it is the one pregnant who decides whether to abort or carry to term. He's allowed to be angry or feel whatever kind of way, but he has no right taking it out on her like that. She made the best choice she could with the knowledge she had, but he's right in that she doesn't trust him. What he doesn't realize is that probably means that she shouldn't be in a relationship for multiple reasons (he's not a safe partner, she does want kids, and he blew up at a woman who he knows firsthand has trauma from verbal abuse at the very least).

Yeah, I don't like this guy either.

Can we take a moment and give a shout-out to Blake and his brilliance for his wearing a suit to their usual restaurant for Jenn's birthday?

Lol, what a great metaphor he pulled off even if sailed clear over Jenn's head. I like Blake. I wish him the best going forward.

Many of my older students work at a certain fast food joint and I get this a lot. It's pretty funny and I think it's precious. One kid caught himself saying it to me and got mildly embarrassed.

I will usually say "you're fine" if someone is being apologetic in an overly polite manner, such as "Pardon my reach" or an "Oops! Sorry/my bad!" Kinda like, "Oh, no (worries); you're fine." It's a NBD sort of response.

I won't say it in place of "you're welcome." That doesn't quite compute and would be weird.

"No problem" is huge where I live and my mother hates it with a passion. I don't mind it at all and have been sometimes guilty of saying it in more informal settings, like if someone is thanking me after doing a small favor or after I gave out part of my lunch to give them a snack. Usually, I pair it with you're welcome anyway, as in, "Hey, no problem. You're more than welcome!"

I think people use no problem as a way to not make a fuss over something as if to express that while thanks is much appreciated, please don't feel bad about receiving my help/contribution or otherwise obligated to me over the matter.

It's all in the tone more so than the words anyway, I think anyway.

I hear you and I agree with you. I get why fans will lump her in now, and I suspect it's largely tongie in cheek, but Disney is like Coca Cola with its own formula even though it has acquired others. Anastasia was not created according to that formula, so she is not Disney. She will never be included in the lineup, either, and I would never want her to be.

That said, Buena Vista was a Disney production company and that makes the Golden Girls Disney princesses in my book always.

My aunt in her 70s, even as a brain tumor survivor, would mow a lawn about that size in the OOP when my grandmother was still alive, plus her own bigger lot out in the country.

The bugs, the heat, branches and brambles, and time are the biggest obstacles. It's more stamina than strength, for sure. Good on OOP building up that upper body strength and getting that vitamin D!

That said, I can totally understand paying for a service (that one was a bit steep, perhaps) if you live in an HOA community that has stringent grass height restrictions because that way you never miss a week due to vacations, work trips, work loads, and other factors.

Personally, I'm 100% monogamous and could not navigate these waters for myself, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, but please know that it also comes from a place of neutrality and no judgment.

I agree with you in pursuing what you like for your purposes, and it sounds like you're upfront and honest with yourself, your husband, and your casual partners. I find no fault with you here at all.

However... you and your husband will run around in circles with this differences in approach or app preferences because of the very thing that you've already identified: you like pretty "young, dumb and full of cum" for hookups but you absolutely won't sacrifice substance for the long term.

As you see it, your husband stands head and shoulders above these guys because he's the real deal.

But put yourself in his shoes for a second: imagine that you're him and your partner is pulling not 100s but 1000s of matches. Yeah, most of these guys may not pass muster, but for the ones who do are young, fit, virile, among other things, there are still plenty of options. These guys embody things that you may no longer be or never was or don't see yourself to be, regardless of what your partner says about substance. Hell, your partner even admitted to it! They meant well, but it still stings to know that your looks aren't a driving factor in the relationship. This can lead to some toxic intrusive thoughts, such as is she telling the truth about substance or am I just the safe option? What if she meets a young, fit, virile pretty boy of substance equal to or better than mine? She says she's attracted to me, but how can she be when I look nothing like the guys she's meeting while I do look like the guys she's swiping left on constantly?

This has a hold on his brain like a vice and you may not be able to reason with it at all. So these conversations centered on your hookup preferences versus his matchmaking suggestions will go nowhere fast.

Does that mean you have to use apps you don't like or hook up with guys you find unattractive? Hell no. But you may need to advance the conversation past this hot/no substance guys versus not/wonderful substance husband. You will end up going in circles because unless you close the relationship, there is no ready-made solution to this particular point that's really feasible and not resentment-inducing for either one of you?

Even if you do close the relationship, the vice won't let go on its own, so it will still be an issue that you both will have to tackle anyway.

Instead, get to the root of the actual problem that is manifesting itself as this stalemate. Is it his insecurities? Then, he needs to work on those within himself instead of trying to placate it by controlling you. How will he accomplish that and how will you support him as a couple? Is it something else? What is that, what does it look/feel like, and what can be done about it?

Dunno if that helps much but maybe it peels back another layer to whole thing so that you two are able to move forward with something constructive.

Edit: corrected some autocorrect typos.

Very true, especially when it's over petty stuff, but as a granddaughter who was bullied by her own grandmother in her own home, I know firsthand that sometimes it's better to have a hole in your life than an a-hole.

How OP tells the story, it comes across as terminally selfish and a perpetual victim that maybe Granddaughter is better off as is, which is a hard call to make. Maybe Daughter will have less guilt about cutting him off. She tried, she offered, and he slapped her hand away. Worse, he spoke ill of the child, that he didn't care about her. That was definitely undeserved, poor girl.

Thank you. I deeply appreciate it. Validation seems so minor until you don't get it often; it winds up quite the opposite.

I never thought the art of an apology was all that significant, either, but once I started delving into my wounds, particularly the ones barely scabbed over, the pattern wasn't related to how much time had passed. It was which issues had been rugswept versus which ones had been properly dealt with.

Thank you again for your kind words.

The trouble with these types of conversations is that it goes, a) "Hey, that hurt my feelings"; b) "Oh, sorry but I did that thing that hurt your feelings because reason;" then c) "Oh, ok, I see. Well, it hurt my feelings because this reason;" sometimes to be followed by d) "But I did it because (same) reason."

What the injured party is looking for is validation to indicate that the person who did the thing understands why the action caused pain in the first place.

Like, yes, good news is the intent or cause or extenuating circumstances or whatever wasn't rooted in malice, buuuuuut harm was still done. Can we give a moment to reflect on how and why that is?

If the person doing the apologizing just keeps repeating the same info with no indication of hearing the other person's POV, there will seem like a severe lack of empathy in the would-be apology. This becomes a toxic cycle of steps a through d as long as the injured party still feels hurt.

Luckily for OOP, they got through that cycle only a few times before OOP came to a solution that his wife felt fine with. This is good news. He may have saved himself grief cycling through that ordeal by dropping "but I froze" each time when Wife was saying things like, he hadn't noticed her standing there, he hadn't made introductions, he hadn't said the word wife...

OOP could sweeten the apology in the future by wording it less as an excuse and more of an acknowledgment of his part in the error. Such as, "I froze up and was trying to get out of it because it was really weird for me to be surprised like that. I should've introduced you, you're right, and in my panic, I failed to do so. I am sorry because that was rude of me. I am not ashamed of you and I am certainty over her, but I can see why it felt that way for you."

Note that OOP wasn't intending to be rude toward his wife, but by not introducing her, it may appear to everyone around that he was publicly rude to her because not introducing his own wife was strange. She would have been acutely aware of that, hence the hurt feelings (and mention of Jen glaring at her comment). No one else would be privy to his inner thoughts, and his wife was left standing there, unintroduced and therefore (accidentally in his panic) snubbed.

Is OOP a bad guy? Absolutely not. Could he work on his apology game? Sure.

The fact that he rejected the friend or follow request was HUGE, especially since it spared his wife from being placed in the unenviable spot of having to tell him that befriending his divorcee ex makes her uncomfortable. OOP would be wise to keep Jen blocked from his life as he already had done all of these years. Somethings are best left firmly in the past, and Jen sounds like one of 'em.

As for the last quote you referenced, I was talking about how in its extreme form, excuse-laden "apologies" are no good in my experience, in my own relationship, and it's why it's my relationship pet peeve. I was not saying OOP was gaslighting or DARVO. In fact, I said specifically that hopefully for them, this was atypical. Unfortunately, for me, it's pretty typical to almost never get a real apology that isn't followed by a "but" as if my feelings don't matter. It's rough living like that, and I hope OOP and his wife don't experience this cycle often.

Oh man, as a HS teacher, I straight-up tell my students that the models we teach are oversimplified but work best "for our purposes" in learning chemical bonding, which is important to have as common knowledge in society and life. There is so much more beyond what I am able to cover due to limits in time and, well, math levels.

Presenting it as such, I feel less like I'm actually lying to the kids as well as I suspect they feel like I'm "sparing" them the more difficult content by instead cutting to the chase. It's win/win. A bonus is for those who are particularly curious about the subject matter, they are now clued in that there is so more fantastic stuff to learn and even discover if they are so inclined to delve deeper post-secondary.

I do enjoy my job, that much is true. Thanks for this meme! I'm totally using it when I make this point next year.

Your last line is rather rude, TBF, and it's missing my entire point.

I said, she heard him the first five times OOP gave his reason. After a while, the description of the situation (I froze!) becomes more and more of an excuse (Get over it already; what part of "I froze" don't you understand???") That's the point at which an apology is no longer actual remorse.

Every time OOP apologized, he had to bring up that fact. His wife acknowledged it and then shared what her problem was. OOP glossed over his wife's issue by again saying that he froze. This does nothing to soothe the injured party.

Just repeating the reason neither fixes the problem by accepting that he hurt and insulted his wife (albeit incidentally) nor by making any suggestions on how he planned to fix the situation at present or during similar future encounters.

OOP finally does the first, though, through some key language choices in his update. He would have done better by reaching that point earlier in his communications with his wife. Hopefully for OOP, this was a poorly executed apology that's not typical for them. For me, unfortunately, it's every initial and several follow-up "apologies" where it gets to the point of gaslighting and even DARVO.

When you're in a long-term relationship and every apology comes across as defensive with all sorts of reasons thrown up to get you to to just drop it without having your feelings acknowledged and validated, you do begin to consider that you should no longer be this relationship. But that doesn't mean that I don't deserve to be a relationship.

Please be more mindful that there's a human on the other side of the screen.

I'd wish OOP would just shut up about the "deer in the headlights" excuse every time he went to apologize. Why can't some people just say, "I'm sorry" without a goddamned excuse immediately following?

Like, dude, your wife heard you the first five times that you froze up. That excuse is not getting you any more mileage out of your apology. Instead, acknowledge why your (in)actions hurt her so much rather than mitigate what you had done.

My husband does this and it almost always negates the so-called apology for me. I don't want reasons. I don't want excuses. And I daresay that most people don't want them either. Just say, "I am so sorry. While my intent was not bad, I fumbled it and that hurt you. I'll be more savvy/less bewildered if caught off guard like that again."

Here, it is acknowledged that damage was done regardless of intent. The "excuse" is still there but placed on yourself rather than trying to calm the other person down, as in, "I'm sorry but don't be so upset because I was just..." Ugh!

Anyway, just my relationship pet peeve. And yes, I do practice what I'm preaching and I do my best to model it for my husband. Recently, we may have had a breakthrough finally. It's been exhausting, unfortunately, hence the bitterness. My apologies for the rant.