Husband (38M) is resentful I (36F) find people in the poly scene unattractive; how do we get past it?

My husband and I transitioned from monogamy to polyamory two years ago. So while we are each other's primary, we are allowed secondaries as well as more casual relationships.

Husband and I have reached a block because he doesn't approve of my partners. I'm an attractive woman and I literally get thousands of likes if I hop on a dating app, even men wanting to fly me out, and a lot of trash to sift through. I expected attention but not as much as I got.

My husband has encouraged me to go on FeelId or Fetlife or even link up at the poly community meetings.

I've told him I'm not interested and I prefer to use conventional methods to attract a partner like being in person or on a dating app instead of poly specific social scenes.

He's pushed and pushed until I finally admitted after a lot of badgering that I find the people in the poly scene very physically unattractive. I'm also not interested in a swinger setup which has more conventionally attractive people.

It was like I ran his dog over. He's always been very insecure about his looks. I fell in love with his personality, not how he looks, but for a secondary or for causal relationships, physical appearance is important to me. I like the men I like.

He keeps trying to push other men who are in our local poly scene onto me, and they're all unattractive.

How do we get past his resentment that I'm not open to finding a partner in poly specific places? How do we come to an agreement?

in relationship_adviceby throwra-Lemon-1971

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cheetoburito

I think the key here is to communicate with him. What difference is there really with the apps you use as long as the partner is aware you’re looking for a poly / swinger situation? It’s seems like he’s scared you’ll find someone more attractive than him and he clearly feels he’s on par of attractiveness with the apps he’s pushing for

throwra-Lemon-1971

Conventional apps like Tinder have plenty of people looking for casual relationships or hookups. I feel sorry for anyone looking for a serious monogamous partner if they’re using those apps. I’ve always been very open about the face that I’m in a poly marriage and not looking for someone to replace my husband.

I don’t see the difference besides the fact that the men on more poly friendly are more unattractive to me personally.

If I want a hookup I don’t want him to be ugly. The things I value in a long term relationship is not what I value in a casual relationship. My choices in short term partners doesn’t mean I don’t find my husband attractive. I think he’s pushing these men on me because he feels rejected.

My husband knows that I chose him for him, not for his looks. Looks fade, love stays.

spentpatience

Personally, I'm 100% monogamous and could not navigate these waters for myself, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, but please know that it also comes from a place of neutrality and no judgment.

I agree with you in pursuing what you like for your purposes, and it sounds like you're upfront and honest with yourself, your husband, and your casual partners. I find no fault with you here at all.

However... you and your husband will run around in circles with this differences in approach or app preferences because of the very thing that you've already identified: you like pretty "young, dumb and full of cum" for hookups but you absolutely won't sacrifice substance for the long term.

As you see it, your husband stands head and shoulders above these guys because he's the real deal.

But put yourself in his shoes for a second: imagine that you're him and your partner is pulling not 100s but 1000s of matches. Yeah, most of these guys may not pass muster, but for the ones who do are young, fit, virile, among other things, there are still plenty of options. These guys embody things that you may no longer be or never was or don't see yourself to be, regardless of what your partner says about substance. Hell, your partner even admitted to it! They meant well, but it still stings to know that your looks aren't a driving factor in the relationship. This can lead to some toxic intrusive thoughts, such as is she telling the truth about substance or am I just the safe option? What if she meets a young, fit, virile pretty boy of substance equal to or better than mine? She says she's attracted to me, but how can she be when I look nothing like the guys she's meeting while I do look like the guys she's swiping left on constantly?

This has a hold on his brain like a vice and you may not be able to reason with it at all. So these conversations centered on your hookup preferences versus his matchmaking suggestions will go nowhere fast.

Does that mean you have to use apps you don't like or hook up with guys you find unattractive? Hell no. But you may need to advance the conversation past this hot/no substance guys versus not/wonderful substance husband. You will end up going in circles because unless you close the relationship, there is no ready-made solution to this particular point that's really feasible and not resentment-inducing for either one of you?

Even if you do close the relationship, the vice won't let go on its own, so it will still be an issue that you both will have to tackle anyway.

Instead, get to the root of the actual problem that is manifesting itself as this stalemate. Is it his insecurities? Then, he needs to work on those within himself instead of trying to placate it by controlling you. How will he accomplish that and how will you support him as a couple? Is it something else? What is that, what does it look/feel like, and what can be done about it?

Dunno if that helps much but maybe it peels back another layer to whole thing so that you two are able to move forward with something constructive.

Edit: corrected some autocorrect typos.

EllieGeiszler

This is really wise and nonjudgmental advice, especially from a monogamous person. Well said!