Is your spouse the best sex you ever had? If not, did you tell them that?

That does not sound like a great therapist. You asked her a question and she answered. Therapist should recognize it made you feel inferior but you are married and committed to each other so try and bring it back up and see what it was. What she just hot for him, did he do a good job at flirting and more emotional foreplay, etc.

Since you have been together for 23 years she was likely late 20’s early 30’s. Completely different libidos.

She could have had a bad boy phase or something. You cannot really compare a woman’s orgasms to a potential fling in her 20s to a Middle aged couple

Your therapist seems quite offended on your behalf by that! Maybe something triggered her because therapists aren’t supposed to project and share their own judgement like that. You could ask your wife why she can’t share more and explain your intention for asking the question. Communication is key!

No and no

Use a vibrator during sex? My hubby got us a mini magic wand and had incredible sex on Sunday with it

23 years of marriage and you're thinking about a conversation that happened the first year you were together before marriage.

Your therapist is a dumb ass. You aren't thinking clearly. If after 23 years you are worried about that then you haven't done anything to please your wife.

You're going to tell me that after 23 years that one dude is still better than you. I can't even remember my first marriage let alone anytime that was good. Let it go. Please don't let this therapist screw you over something that isn't an issue. 23 years let that go, she can't even remember him.

I think you are oversimplifying the topic.

Satisfaction in sex is both physical and psychological and because of that comparing two partners is never an easy task. No two people are alike, nor do we feel the same for two different people and they will for sure have different sexual personas

Could’ve straight up been because her hormones were different then, but your therapist is dangerously stupid. Fix that first.

Sorry you’re going through this and worst yet for so long also.

My wife and I are each other’s best sexual partners and it’s not even close. Our exes are so far behind what me and her do to each other.

Part of the reason is we do talk about sex. Like we would have in depth conversations about what we like, dislike, fantasies, what feels good, what feels heavenly, etc.

No and hell no. Telling her that would cause unnecessary issues.

It’s a complicated question.

My wife is consistently the “best sex I’ve ever had” but in terms of one of sexual experiences, there have been a few instances that were physically better.

There was an older woman I had sex with a few times when I was in university. The first time we had sex, it was ok, not super memorable. The second time, it was next level - unlikely anything I’d had before or since. For a moment in time, this other person and I were locked in and it was tremendous. She and I fucked a few more times after that and it was again, just ok. It never got back to the heights of that one episode.

I had sex with someone one time while travelling for work. It was just a random lady I’d met at a drinks function and we ended up back in her room. Again, everything just fell into place in perfect synchronicity.

My wife and I have very good to exceptional sex 9 out of 10 times. Eye wateringly good sex. But I can’t recall a single “experience” with my wife that hits like either of those cases.

But consistently, she’s the best sex partner I’ve ever had and it’s not even close. She says the same thing about me.

However, I know (because she told me) about a camping trip she took when we were in university when she was dating this older man. She was into older dudes when we were young, that was her thing. She said they had a tent and an air mattress, and for two straight days it was a bang fest. She said they stopped long enough to eat, wash themselves, and then crawled back into the tent. But after the trip their sex was mediocre and they stopped seeing each other a month or so later.

My wife and I are swingers, so we have sex with other people somewhat regularly.

As a result, our communication about sex life is pretty open book.

When you watch another person make your partner orgasm, you can’t be jealous or the whole lifestyle falls apart.

So are we the best sex partners we’ve each had? Yes.

Have we had better sexual experiences with other people? Yes.

Heres a little bit of truth, she sounds like she doesn’t desire to you from what you said. This makes it harder to be turned on no matter what you do

Been married for almost 30 years, my husband is the only person to ever give me an orgasm. 2nd marriage

Best orgasm.. starts during the day, hours before sex.

The little things he says, an ass slap, touching a part of my body like a knee and saying this is my favorite part.

Saying things that are flirty are sexy, people forget that a woman need to be turned on mentally before they can get turned on sexually.

Hard to orgasm is mental, like a block. Really want to give her an orgasm talk to her and get her to tell you her resentments at you. She gets that out you have a better chance.

Your therapist should have asked what you do before sex to get her in the mood. That's what you need to think about. Her mind gets her horny not just a dick and finger. Mind then body, not just body.

Licensed therapist here who has had the same kind of struggle you’ve had with your wife. My wife is far from the greatest sex I’ve ever had. Like your wife, she too doesn’t seem eager to want to try anything new, does not like giving blowjobs, and doesn’t give me an answer if I ask her “what can I do better to please you better?” This bothered me for a while, and prior to dating my wife, the girl I was with at the time WAS the best sex I’ve ever had. Multiple times a week, tried things I never thought I would try, and while it was amazing sex and fun, she was far from the right person for me. I read a book that emphasized the term “good enough sex”, which placed emphasis on not comparing your current relationship to past ones. All the content in there really helped me accept the truth, that my wife doesn’t place much emphasis on the logistics of sex itself, she just wants to have sex, period. She wants to intimately connect and make love to her husband. She is pleasured enough by the simple act of having sex. It was really me and my unrealistic expectations/comparisons that was causing me to struggle with this. Now, we have “good enough sex”, and if there’s something she really doesn’t wanna do or try, I will never get mad or force her to do those things. It has made my marriage feel stronger, and I feel like a better husband for changing this perspective.

That is not a good therapist. A good one would help you explore the problem more. They wouldn’t ask leading questions or say insensitive things. And they wouldn’t blame someone. That was very unprofessional of this therapist and I recommend finding a new one.

I think that communication is important. Does she feel fully safe with you? Meaning does she feel like she can fully let her guard down and freely express her sexuality? I believe that orgasm is more mental for women. Does she seem stuck in her head during those intimate moments? So these would be questions to ask/things to consider.

My spouse is the best I’ve ever had but no I wouldn’t ever admit to him he wasn’t if that was the case. Also a tip, if she doesn’t have the “rose toy” from Amazn, order it and use it next time you’re intimate. Trying new toys, the willingness to learn things for each other, amping up the foreplay at times, etc is the reason our sex will remain good and not be mediocre. As a (almost) therapist, I suggest seeing a sex therapist specifically about sexual topics and sex goals in your relationship. A regular therapist may not have the niche knowledge to properly help you and your wife. Her comment already shows this because now it’s seems to have caused you to ruminate about this situation from the past. Your wife also probably didn’t grow up with the best sexual education around her own pleasure, orgasming, etc. especially if she grew up religious or super conservative. I’m half her age and didn’t get the best education on those topics myself until I was in grad school. That may also be a factor. Talk to your wife more about this!

I'm confused. Did your wife say this recently to you or when you were first dating? My issue here is Why didn't she give you clues? A guess... he was a freak, and she stepped out of her comfort zone but then realized it was too much? I've had conversations like these with my husband and it helps him understand my needs because I speak my mind.... I don't think she was intentionally mean but tone is important when speaking and I can't judge based on typing...

Yes. 100%. My wife and I are great in bed. Hands down my best sex I’ve personally ever had and she would say the same.

My spouse is the only sex I have ever had. Maybe someone out there is probably better, but I'll never know.

I am always surprised how these came up 23 years into the marriage. My spouse is the best, I think it is important to me so secpnd question is not applicable.

FWIW. M60 F66 36 yr relationship 33 married. She has never ONCE has had an orgasm with me. She cannot masterbate to an orgasm and, she says, she's never had one, other than in her sleep about every two months. Kinda goes without saying we together = not great sex, and for years now doesn't indulge in any of my favorite kinks as she says they always lead to UTIs.

"Dave" (real name) couldn't make her cum either, but she certianly has spoken wistfully about him. As you may guess I'm def. by far the HL in the relationship. I think I'd be daily she'd be once every two weeks, if that. We've settled on a scheduled every-other-night that works out to 3x a week. Once I understood (from reddit) concepts like "pity sex" I got really pissed for a bit. Untill the therapist said "rustler. lemee tell ya. A woman doesn't do something 3x a week for 20 years she hates."

So. Be the fuck thankful YOU get 20%. Me? I accept things as they are. I accept that I don't get every little thing I want. Life's a compromise.

Only had 2 lovers. Wife and ex wife.

I do not discuss my sex with my ex wife with my current wife.

One wasn't better than the other. Each have their own style.

I'm just going to say these two things from my personal point of view. Because they are personal, this doesn't mean that either of these things is applicable to you.

I think you wrote this post out of considerable frustration. And I think it comes from a good place. You want to give your wife a pleasure.

It could be that what your wife needs is to spend some time with her own body learning what feels good to her. After I had kids and my body changed, I had to do this and it was more than masturbation to figure out what felt good where. It was also trying to figure out how I could feel more open to sex and pleasure in general.

The other thing I notice in your post is that you seem like you are driven to give your wife an orgasm and that it's more about your self-esteem and your pleasure than hers. For some women, orgasm is more elusive. But that doesn't mean the rest of sex doesn't feel good.

It sounds like her easy pleasure with a former lover is what's really creating a whole competition in your head. At any rate, it sounds like you are inadvertently putting an awful lot of pressure on her to have an orgasm. And as someone who only dealt with inorgasmia after kids, I did not appreciate my has been making a project of it. It made me want to avoid sex more than I already was.

I’ve had freakier sex than I have with my wife, and I’m sure she’s seen bigger dicks than mine, but our sex has a connection and security that makes it really hot, even after 18 years and two kids together. I wouldn’t trade that for anything or anyone.

Fk no and fk no! 😬

She might just not know how to explain it herself.

For me, it was a lot easier to get me to orgasm from 17-20 ish. Not because of anything a partner did, just because I was horny all the time and my body was primed for it. Now, after 2 kids and a little older, my body just isn’t as easy to get there.

Me and my husband were together in highschool and then didn’t speak for like 15 years before getting back together and there is a huge difference in his skill level since then but it’s way harder for him to get me there than it was back then because my body just isn’t in that primed and horny phase anymore.

It has nothing to do with him and his skill level and everything to do with my body.

Besides all that my husband is 100% the best I’ve ever had, and I know for a fact I’m the best he’s ever had. HOWEVER we did not start off that way. It’s taken a lot of communication, self exploration (mentally, not physically lol), and a drive to want to be each other’s best.

Your wife could have lied, because she didn't feel like admitting she has difficulties with orgasming.

Also, there are women who obviously require more clit stimulation to get there, so toys are the way to go.

The therapist, though... Yeah. No comment

I will say this. My wife is not the wildest sex I've had in my life. That being said, she IS the best sexual partner in my lifetime. Its because its more than the sum of the physical act itself. Its the full and complete package. The love, the longing for each other and need for connecrion. The full trust in being completely vulnerable to each other in the moment. There was a huge disparity between our experience when we met. I was her 3rd lover. I was the first to bring her orgasm. Id had honestly hundreds of connections with women beforehand. We have grown together and shared our love in many ways. After 4 decades together she is my best lover.

OMGYes.com is a great resource. It's helped my sex life with my husband tremendously. I understand my own body more and can communicate more efficiently. We also had to work through a lot of trauma to get to where we are (I.e. guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy). We also began to make sex about the connection and enjoyment rather than chasing the orgasm (which happens most of the time anyway now), but the whole encounter has become more pleasurable and not so mechanical.

My wife is the best I’ve ever had, but then she is the only one I’ve ever had, so she wins by default. Like hell would I tell her if she wasn’t though.

She has had other partners, and swears up and down that I am the best she has had - I don’t truly believe her, but I would be devastated if she actually said anything different.

We do have a rule though, she comes first. Fortunately she says I have ‘magic fingers’ so it’s not difficult, and it really takes the pressure off that she is already satisfied when we get down to the actual deed.

I’ll be completely honest here, I had one boyfriend I was with for about a year when I was younger that it was extremely easy for him to make me orgasm. It was just the shape of his penis. It was slightly curved upward. If your wife didn’t notice something like that it would be easy for her to not know what exactly it was. It wasn’t a size thing, or anything that he did “differently” it was just his natural shape. It is nothing that any other man could choose to do differently, and if she isn’t willing to try different positions to find that spot or is even conscious of it then she may not know.

Have you asked her to be open to more exploration? With you, trying different positions, using toys, letting you know what and where feels good better or things that aren’t great (which you have to be open to hearing it all) ? Have her make a list of things that she is interested in, she may have to do some exploring to find these interests (books are a good soft choice; some romance/erotic books are great because it’s not as harsh as porn but basically is) If she isn’t comfortable doing that with you to even try on her own to find out what she likes? Then at least she can relay that to you? I can understand how it would be difficult to be that open and to receive all that feedback, but could make the entire difference. if she hasn’t taken the time or effort to really pay attention to her body and respond to it. If she just accepted that “this is just how it is”. Your best bet would be sex therapy if she’s open to it.

I will say that my husband was/is totally vanilla. In recent years he has started coming out of his shell and we have talked more openly(we have been together for 12 years. Our sex life has only gotten better over time. I will also say that it’s partly my fault that I wasn’t as open about things I really enjoyed or things that were just ok for me. Now that I’ve been more vocal about pointing out when I really like something he has responded by doing that more often. I really try to only give positive feedback when we are in the moment unless it is causing discomfort. It seems that this shift has encouraged him to start trying things that he previously wouldn’t to just see my reaction. If he gets positive feedback then he will continue with it. I will say that this only will work if she is open to trying different things.

Just because your wife doesn’t orgasm easily doesn’t mean you aren’t the best sex ever for her. The guy that made her climax all the time could have been a terrible relationship- after all, she married you, not him. I don’t get off that easily either but my partner and I have a fantastic sex life that I enjoy, climax or not. I have had freakier partners, which made it exciting and have had a partner or two that got me off all the time. I would not trade what I have now for that again because the relationships were terrible. Getting her more comfortable with sex may not be possible, however, don’t doubt yourself in the meantime.

My wife is far from the best. She’s very vanilla, very much a starfish. I always make sure she finished. Many times I didn’t. I’d say 60% I don’t. Now, since we haven’t had sex in 11+ years, it’s really bad/boring. And yes, I have told her. And she doesn’t care. She’s told me if I want sex I should go find it.

Yes. Only person I’ve been with. Easily 10-20 orgasms every time. Sometimes they’re big sometimes they’re small. But after every time we have a really good session I always say it was the best sex we’ve ever had. He is very very very selfless in the bedroom

No, and no. And I would marry my current spouse a hundred times again.

In your 50s, you should realize that just about no one can be the best at something, including sex. Imagine being with someone based solely on that person being the best a one thing… Only marry the woman that has the best marathon time in the neighborhood, and no other reason. The woman that can take the fastest shower in the city. The woman with the smallest feet… how would that work out for you?

Have you tried vibrators for your wife? Get her to orgasm first then continue without the toy.

My husband is actually the best sex I’ve ever had and that’s partially or maybe entirely how I ended up marrying him. That D had me ignoring all red flags let me tell yah!!

I think it’s great you’re having these conversations with your wife so openly and honestly. That’s how you make it better for each other. You should continue having these conversations and I think you guys could end up having the best sex with each other. Your wife needs to think harder about it tbh she didn’t put enough effort in thinking about what made it different. She was honest about you not being the best, but offered no insight on how to make you the best and i think that’s whats mean about it. But it definitely doesn’t seem malicious on her end.

Nope. And def not! Best to keep some memories to myself.

Trying to figure out why this would ever be anything but a bad idea

Yes, he is the best I've had, and I've been with a lot.

Also, omgyes.com will coach you on how female orgasms work and buy her a magic wand that you can use together while you’re inside her.

No, the best sex I ever had was with this girl who was an Olympic diver. Insanely fit and flexible, the things this woman did with her body....just damn. We only dated for about a month, but man oh man, what a month that was.

Wife knows I dated her but I never told her she was the best sex ever. Perhaps she assumed? But while my wife may not be the best physical sex I've ever had, it's the best relationship I've ever had and that has elevated sex way beyond physical.

My ex was the best i have ever had, my current girl friend is amazing in the bedroom

Now he is.

Telling him it sucked was the best thing I ever did. No regrets

Yes he’s not the biggest or thickest but daddy knows how to create the water park. His tongue is magical he’s nasty af and always down for kinks. I wake up so relaxed and then get a lil dose before work. And if he doesn’t give an award winning performance he goes above and beyond to make it up because he takes my pleasure to the the highest regard. After that first time I literally was like, I gotta make this man a father and save him from the streets I need him just FOR ME.

I'm not married, but my girlfriend isn't the best I've had although our sex life is getting better with time. I would never tell her that because she's too sensitive although I don't think that in general it's a wrong thing to do, it depends on the partner and the situation.

Absolutely. My husband pleases me in such a beautiful intimate way that I don’t believe could ever be recreated by someone else. I love him & our intimate times so so much.

Not married but see myself one day being so with my current partner. He’s definitely in my top of top but my best of all time is another person. I would never tell him that nor would I explicitly state they were better with not an ounce of explanation that could then make saying that minutely productive. If he asked what he could do better and my inspiration came from a different sexual partner I would suggest those points with not a single reference or indication that it was someone else that made me think of and want that.

How you feel is totally reasonable and valid, she had little tact in this conversation. I would have a very open discussion about all this with her, your sexual frustrations but also how that specific conversation made you feel. Try not to be accusatory or hostile, just calmly lay out your experience in the hopes she doesn’t become defensive as a result and therefore doesn’t truly hear what you’re saying.

Good luck!

No and no. But I also wouldn't lie if I was in your wife's shoes and my husband also asked me a direct question.

Your therapist sucks. She's inferring malicious intent where there was none.

You asked a question, and got an answer that upset you. Your upset at the situation is valid, but you don't get to be upset at your wife.

Considering we were both virgins when we got married, can confirm, yes, we are both the best sex we’ve ever had 😂😂

Yes. Because he’s the only sex I’ve ever had 😂 It’s nice not to have comparisons! To me he rocks my world.

They’re the only sex I’ve ever had 🤷🏻‍♂️

My husband is, but not for the first 13 years. We’ve had to both be super honest and vulnerable. Experiment and try new things.
I can’t orgasm without using the Hitachi magic wand. Also, explore the g-spot more. Something we didn’t do and didn’t really realize until a few years ago. (We’ve been married now 19 years). We read and watched videos and located my G-spot. Took quite a bit of experimenting because if he presses on it and I’m not stimulated enough, it feels pinchy and not nice. But when I am aroused enough, it gets large and swollen and can produce great orgasms. We bought a special toy that’s especially designed to stimulate the G-spot. That and direct clitoral stimulation with the Magic Wand.
Also, when I started reading Literotica, my mind was aroused and that would help me also, like getting pre-stimulated. We really had to work on this, because I didn’t really even know my body.
OP, I think it’s quite normal for women to need that extra stimulation that a wand can give. I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm from him going down on me alone.
Also, she could be ‘in her head’ when you are down there. Thinking about her body or how she looks etc. We are our worst enemy when it comes to that. Sometimes when I’m in my head, my body won’t respond.
But, just wanted to encourage you to keep at it. There’s awkwardness and difficulty on the way, and some times that feel like failures, but after like 15 years, we now have the best sex I’ve ever had. He’s grown, I’ve grown and we’ve grown together. I wish we had grown in this area much earlier, but can’t turn back the clock.

My wife and I (44f and 45m, married 20+ years) have only been with each other, so neither of us has another partner to compare to. We were both each other’s “firsts” for everything. We were both virgins until our wedding night. We enjoy our bedroom time with each other and have it several times a week (in different forms). Sometimes my wife will mention that she likes that neither of us has had another partner — that no comparisons about past or different abilities or bodies or anything can get between us.

For me, I definitely enjoy our bedroom time together, but I desire her so much that I want her much more often. I also would enjoy more variety in our bedroom time (toys, different activities, etc) and we have talked about that stuff, but a lot of that is a turn-off for her, and she is comfortable and happy with the current set of activities (which is a small / vanilla set) so it’s very rare anything happens outside that. She is basically the restrictor of our frequency and activities, and of course she is allowed her preferences, but it took me longer than I like to admit to really accept that, and accept that it likely won’t be changing. We would both admit we are somewhat a mismatch in the bedroom. And I do admit that sometimes I wonder what sex would be like with another partner, if it would be better. I hate to admit that, but the whole point of Reddit is to share our honest feelings and maybe learn something from one another, so I always want to talk straight and true here.

My husband is the best sex I’ve ever had, and he knows it.

I suspect I’m not the best the sex he’s ever had, not that he has ever even hinted at that being the case.

But before me, he was with a woman for a year who was insanely jealous, had a terrible temper, just all over the place emotionally. Knowing him as well as I do, I can’t imagine him tolerating her craziness so long unless the sex was absolutely off the charts amazing.

My wife is aware she's not the best sex I've ever had. And I'm not the best she's ever had. But our intimacy and connection are out of this world and far more than other partners we each had I'm the past. So in a way. We're the best for each other.

No. No.

Mine told me I’m that not and claims he has no recollection of saying it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would advise never telling a partner this.

No, my wife definitely isn't the best sex I had. Things do go up and down but right now I'd put her in the bottom half of partners I've had.

Do I tell her? No, I'm not a fool. I have sometimes communicated my unhappiness with our so-so sex life and I work hard to improve things.

Was your wife ever sexually abused? This could be why she has issues with having an orgasm. And no my husband was not the best sex I ever had. There is many ways to help her with just foreplay maybe look into different foreplay

No not the best. No I haven’t told him. He was better at other things like romance. Now we are just roommates.

My wife is very good when she is in the mood. However if I really think hard, my ex-wife (though crazier than my wife) was better at sex and definitely more horny. But it’s unfair of me to say this. We were all much younger. Things change over time

Omg no. My second husband was the best. If that was all I needed we would be coming on 40th. Wedding anniversary. I’m older now and sex is a small part of my life now. My 3rd husband and I on our 22 nd anniversary

Stirling Cooper’s books to the rescue

Yes.

Yeah, it's the worst

Yes .

Hell no and hell no but I think she knows.

No and definitely not something I'd ever come out and say.

Normally I would say that's not a good thing to share with your partner. BUT, you did ask, and there's more context...which is that she has a difficult time orgasming.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt- she probably doesn't know the best way to get herself off. It's probably a mystery tp her too.

Have you ever tried a vibrator? Also there's one position that generally works very well on women called the C.a.t. look it up and try that. Works for me every time.

He became the best sex I’ve ever had. But it’s not always the case. A lot of factors come into play, like my level of stress, the amount of affection and attention beforehand, the kind of foreplay we have. At times I do like it a bit rough. At times I just want him to go soft and get me on edge. I don’t get off on oral myself. However, I will say when he’s attentive he recognizes what my signs are - nipples getting hard, sometimes I move my hips with it, getting wetter. Some of these things I didn’t even know happened. I did however realize that lately, he will go for the « happy trigger » too early. And THAT can ruin it (sometimes it hurts).

My best advice? Don’t listen to the therapist. Ask to schedule an intimate time to explore, with the foreplay-before-foreplay, so you can be intimate and take time to explore yourselves.

Your therapist sounds really biased. It's a shame that you feel inadequate because it seems like you are doing everything right by striving to please her sexually. Sometimes we don't know what turns us on until it happens! I know you say her tastes are kind of vanilla, but maybe surprise her with some completely different moves, or a toy, maybe some spicy reading material. Don't give up. You both deserve this!

I had a few girlfriends before I met my wife. One of them was insatiable. The sex great and unending. But... she was extremely demanding and very overbearing. It would have been a very passionate but short marriage.

I've been married to my wife for more than 40 years now. We've spoken about a few things I had done before but she doesn't know who the girls were. She's not as 'adventurous' as the other girl but she's a much better person.

I have no regrets. I won the lottery when my wife said yes!

Wow that is a bad therapist. Sounds like you are more open and dialectical than your therapist is.

No she isn't. No, I would never tell her.

My wife, in most aspects in life, generally does the bare minimum. She knows I love oral so I sometimes get that but besides that, I'm putting in all the work. On top of that, she is extremely vanilla and rarely initiates.

He is but he's also had twenty years of practice.

Horrible therapist. Your wife was honest and there’s nothing wrong with that.

To answer your question no my husband is not the best I’ve ever had and no I’ve never told him. Because we don’t have conversations about that and our sex life is still great. I wouldn’t hide it if he asked but we don’t ask about past partners like that

Yes he is lol 😂. Most guys get off super fast…. I complain sometimes that he takes too long

Focusing on other people’s experience is counterproductive to improving your relationship with your wife. I think your time is better spent appreciating the best qualities of your relationship instead. Okay so you sex life is not the best, but we’re talking about an activity that takes at most an hour every so often so you’re wasting so much of your energy on something that your wife really doesn’t seem to care either way. She already said she enjoys the intimacy, which is the whole point of having sex in a marriage. My advice is stop obsessing about the quality of sex and focus on improving your relationship in other ways outside the bedroom.

It's been the only I've had, and it's lovely!

Yes, my spouse is the best lover I've had and it's due to a few things. I did a lot of work healing from past sexual trauma before meeting him, our chemistry is the best I've had, and I'm the happy beneficiary of his vast and varied experiences in his past.

I've had a couple of individual experiences which were "better" because of the uniqueness (and so has he), but if I had to choose never having those over having him or any other long-term partner, I'd choose him in a second. Yes, we've shared all of this with each other.

I didn't even read the whole post but to answer your question -- my spouse is not the best/most adventurous partner I've had -- our sex is good but not mind blowing....unless she's had several drinks and loses more of her inhibitions. I would never tell her that directly - I focus more on positive reinforcement when something she does is really good.

U married that woman after she told you that?? Man U live with that for years

Your wife is either 1) clueless and insensitive, or 2) unwilling to reveal to you the reason that one guy was better. Perhaps it was the size of his tool or something else about yourself that you cannot change so she wanted to spare your feelings.

Another thing: My ex-wife was similar to this. And I have since learned a lot in retrospect what was wrong with her, compared to other women I've been with since. Ex-wife didn't really know her own body well enough to even understand what her needs were. She was incapable of telling me what would get her off because she herself didn't know. She never masturbated. Didn't talk openly about sex. She seemed to almost prefer to keep it a mystery to me and to herself. Flash forward to my current relationship, which is the best sex I have ever had (I'm 52). The reason why it's so good is because I listened very closely in the beginning as she told/showed me EXACTLY how she liked it. But she could only do that because she knew, and wasn't afraid to talk about it. So if this is coming across like a criticism of you wife, yeah it kind of is. It takes two to tango.

My wife is the best I've had, but there were two other partners I'd place on equal footing.

As to how to be better in bed, there are a lot of things you can try, but your partner has to be open to you trying. I've learned so much about how to make my wife cum over the last 12 years, but it didn't start that way

My spouse is the absolute best sex I’ve ever had.

If he wasn’t, there’s still no way in hell I’d tell him so. What an unproductive and hurtful thing to say. It would be better to work on communicating wants and needs and trying to improve your sex life. That can be done without tearing someone’s confidence down.

Did your wife grow up in a purity culture mindset? It sounds like maybe even after all these years, she may have some shame or discomfort around sex and trying/asking for stuff. It’s okay to have boundaries and limits of course, but if the current positions you’re doing aren’t working, it’s time to try new things. Have you ever suggested bringing toys into the bedroom? Something small and not intimidating like a vibrating bullet can be very helpful. They even have rings you can attach them to yourself with for hands free stimulation. It’s not uncommon for women to need a little help with orgasm. My husband is amazing, but I’ve still only been able to finish via penetration only with him a handful of times over the 13 years I’ve been with him. (Never with anyone else.) I still orgasm every time through either foreplay, or using a toy during intercourse.

End of the day, if she’s not willing to try things, I am not sure what else can be done. How is your relationship otherwise? Have y’all had any therapy as a couple?

Yes, he is and I've told him as much.

The therapist doesn't sound very professional. It seems like they were trying to plant emotions into your mind that might not have been there before only making matters worse. Like trying to pin you against your partner. You might need to think about choosing a different therapist. Your partner is the only one who can tell you what they meant by saying that, but also you are the one who asked. Can't be mad at someone for answering honestly. Marriage counseling could help. There are even sex therapists out there. Increasing emotional connection can help with women especially.

The best sex I ever had was with an asshole I’m glad I didn’t marry.

If my husband asked me, I’d tell him the truth. But he hasn’t asked and I haven’t asked him.

As Brie Larson’s character memorably said in “Trainwreck,” women don’t want to marry best-sex-of-your-life guy. Best-sex-of-your-life guy is in jail. I think you asked a question and your wife answered, and she meant nothing malicious when she couldn’t help you with what made her experience with that one guy different. The orgasm gap is a thing and does affect a woman’s willingness to get busy, but it’s often the interaction between her brakes and accelerators that holds the key to a more satisfying sex life for you both. Please read the book “Come as You Are”! It’s revelatory, and so healing. Wish you the best

This might sound dumb but wouldn't you just repeat what you did to make her xum the 25% that she does?

Or, is it a specific time in her hormonal cycle that just allows her body to achieve orgasm?

I agree with other commenter's that the therapists reaction was unhelpful.

You asked a question and she answered honestly. It wasn't malicious, it was honest. Maybe you do everything that guy did and still, it's just different. Maybe that's why she can't explain what it was that made her orgasm.

My husband is not the best sex I've ever had and he doesn't know that. I don't think he's under any impression that he is the best I've ever had though. We are kinda struggling in that department a bit too with different libidos and opposite schedules and such.

Idk how else to phrase this but, penis' and vaginas come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some fit together better than others. That makes a difference. Also, there's the emotional component. I remember some of my best steamy sessions were amplified simply because of the excitement of doing something I "shouldn't" like sex outside, in a pool, hot tub, threescore, etc. Had nothing to do with the partner and everything to do with the feeling of "breaking a rule."

At the end of the day, I don't want sex with anyone else. I feel safe with my husband. I feel comfortable with my husband. I like the intimacy with my husband. Doesn't matter if I orgasm every time or not, I only want to be there doing that with my husband.

The orgasm itself isn't necessary for me to have a good time. The ability to get out of my own head and be in the moment with my husband and what it's all about for me.

Oh he already knows! He’s freaking amazing!

My spouse is absolutely the best sex I’ve ever had! We have always had an incredibly intense sexual connection and chemistry. Even 16 years in, it’s still very strong and the sex has only gotten better.

Horrible therapist. Your wife was right to tell you the truth bc that proves she is capable of orgasms.

You need to learn how to make her orgasm. Your marriage depends on it! Trust me on this. Whatever it is that you have tried-throw it in the garbage. You need to be studying videos and tutorials with written out technique. You gotta study this hard and try the different methods until something works. This is all on you and not her.

The depression from lack of sexual release is REAL. Women have been taught to just accept it for centuries bc hey…”at least your man ain’t beating or killing you” is the reason why.

But it still depresses us. It’s sucks when you try to tell your partner and he just gets his feelings hurt over it. This makes women stay silent and suffer. It’s not right.

Imagine having sex with your partner then before you can orgasm, she punches you in your junk. You don’t get to orgasm and now you’re turned off and then you start over again and again and everytime you’re getting kind of close, you get whacked.

Tell me, how many times are you going to initiate after that? How much are you going to enjoy sex? Now imagine you’re trying to tell your partner the truth of the matter and now her feelings are all hurt and you feel guilt for voicing your basic needs.

Over time you could choose to just live this way bc she’s enjoying it. But you won’t reciprocate. You won’t feel sexy. A part of you will shudder from her always and that will extend outside of the bedroom.

Now imagine you discover there are FREE online tutorials where your wife could have learned to do you right and this whole time she didn’t even bother with it. That adds more salt to the wound.

I know many women who initiate affairs or divorce because of this. I am one of those. I’m telling you from experience.

Tutorials online are free. But you gotta invest in learning and put your pride aside.

I wish you luck.

I'd had a lot of "experience" at an unusually early age. She'd had none. I knew what I was doing, she didn't. But we were in love, we were committed, and we were willing to teach and learn from each other. Before we committed, I told her about my background (rooted in what we now call sexual abuse which led to being what I call a teenage boyslut) and she told me to forgive myself because it wasn't my fault. When two people love each other, commit, make vows, there has to be a desire to communicate and work together for mutual pleasure and happiness.

If I didn't know better, Ill_Department_7120, I'd think your wife really is asexual. Perhaps she was just going through the motions because she knew she had to or maybe she was trying to see if she felt that kind of attraction, but it doesn't seem to work for her. You both could use therapy individually and as a couple, but it might not solve her issues.

Yes. But not at first. At first we both had multiple partners prior to our relationship starting. At first we were a fun new couple learning and exploring our sexual chemistry and fun dynamics. Then we really got serious and by the time we were married, one of the pillars of our relationship was our fantastic sex life. Over the years we have continued to improve communication by actually listening to each other. Listening, and learning to put words to our thoughts and feelings and emotions and desires.

When I learned to effectively communicate what exactly I wanted things improved. Things also skyrocketed when I got a vasectomy. Things just continue to improve due to a few different things but mostly as we grow old together and our time is taken in so many directions our sex calendar has been paramount. A circle on days we are intimate, slash if I get off only, x when we both get off. Circle, X and small circle if she gets off multiple times during 1 intimate session. Small circle is filled.in if I get more then 1 also.

19+ years of marriage and more.then 2 days go blank on the calendar and we are both asking why we are roommates and say "hey roomy" until we get a chance to get something fun in. I can say quantity has improved the quality because we are both trying to find new and exciting ways of getting the other off. If you want to improve the Quality start by increasing the quantity!!

My wife is 100% the best ever, AND after close to 11 years married I still get BJs. People say that shops when you get married, no... It just stopped for you.

Please remember that your therapist is paid to be on your side. If it was a couples therapist, they would have refrained from painting your wife as the bad guy.

To be honest, my husband was terrible at sex when we first got together, but I was open and honest about it and now he is the best sex I've ever had. I do climax every time and we would probably be considered vanilla in your eyes.

How many women have you had oral sex with before? There is a right and wrong way to do this, and if you're doing it wrong it can feel gross and be a turn off.

Have you tried cock rings?

What about just spending a week flirting with her and touching her in intimate ways without going into sex? Speaking as a woman, this is very arousing.

However, don't attach your self esteem to her orgasm. That's a lot of pressure to put on something she doesn't exactly have control over. When sex stops being fun then the orgasms will go away. Make sex fun. Take the pressure off. Strip for her. Make her laugh. Find new ways to arouse her. Remember, for women sex is a huge mental game. We need to be present mentally for us to enjoy it. If she is stressed that her lack of climaxing is making you feel bad, that stress is going to prevent her from enjoying it.

I’m gonna agree with a few of the other comments here and say that this therapist is not it. My therapist would never pit me against my wife like in your example. FWIW, sometimes it takes a few tries before you find one that works, and if there are other options than BetterHelp or things like it, you should go for them. If betterhelp or something like it is your only option, then you can easily find a new therapist.

Since you’re open to therapy, maybe your wife will join you in a few couples sessions (with a different therapist than your individual therapist). There are also “sex therapists” out there you can see as couples for a more focused approached. I haven’t been married long, but I already anticipate having to put some extra work into a long and satisfying sex life. Seems like you’re also not having the best sex in this relationship. Doesn’t mean you can’t improve your self life, but you and your wife both have to be on board and willing to put in some a little extra effort for the time being. Either way, you gotta let go of the insecurity around this thing your wife said to you before you were married.

I love my husband more than words could ever express. Because of that love, he will always be my best lover and most trusted friend/partner. His mental and emotional health are incredibly important to me. The more I build him up, the more confident he is in all areas of life, including sexually. Sometimes I can’t finish, sometimes he can’t. We don’t always have an hour, or maybe we’re tired. 🤷🏼‍♀️ We’ve both agreed that we enjoy foreplay, kissing, touching, and everything that goes along with sex, even if we don’t “finish”. Sometimes we just need a ten minute break. Sit down and talk to your wife.

My husband and I enjoy reading erotic books and stories together. I LOVE them and him reading them out loud is such a turn on because I love his voice. Maybe try reading to your wife.

Is she sexually aroused by emotional connection? Many are. Nothing preps me for an orgasm like true emotional intimacy. Being sweet, making me laugh, whispering in my ear etc. It is never about his “moves” but always about how well he’s connecting with me emotionally in the moment.

No I have been faithfully married for 17 years and I wouldn't dare to tell my husband he's not the best ..I mean he tries ,he's here everyday

Yes in the sense that I've NEVER felt any sort of connection with ANYONE the way I feel towards him. Granted we haven't had sex for two months due to my recent back-to-back procedures.

Definitely. We both agree. When you have sex for as long as we have been, you’re both sexually attracted to each other, and you communicate, you just figure out exactly what the other person wants. 13 years in and it keeps getting better.

It's distressing to even contemplate. I can't fathom my husband feeling that way about me. Sex is such a vulnerable and intimate act, and the thought of being compared in that manner is unsettling. I hope to god you never tell her or she never finds out you said that. That's soul-crushing

No, but I tell them because it makes them feel good.

I feel like men especially can be hypersensitive to how excited their partners are to bed them.

It was more hassle dealing with the doubt than it was lying and saying that he’s the best.

Yes. It is the best. And yes, he knows.

get a new therapist

I wouldn’t marry someone unless they were the best sex of my life.

Sex is work. You have to have good communication, you have to care about the other persons pleasure.

I would ask her if she has any sort of fetish, or What makes her tick, or ask her what she thinks about when she masterbates

Men visualize when they masterbate but women fantasize about stuff being done to them when they masterbate. Tell her you are willing to whatever she wants. She needs to feel comfortable and open with you. That’s the key to a good sex life.

No and I would NEVER tell them that. What an awful thing to say.

Okay

Now that people have fully Saintified this woman….

How about you tell us what she does outside of the bedroom.

Part of the problem is what happens outside of the bedroom.

I give therapists their credit, they are right 95% of the time, so I can tell you didn’t say everything.

The therapist believes her to be like this because the other shit is bad on its own. Lead with that first and stop painting your marriage as perfect.

Women are humans

They are F’d up people, just like men

They definitely can be the problem

You need to analyze this with a REAL CLOSE FRIEND who can see everything….

…NOT ON REDDIT where you are starting a virtual riot (band name) from half truth’s, and misunderstandings.

Show this to your therapist

😂

Don't ask questions if you are not prepared for the answer. Your wife didn't randomly volunteer this information. You sought it out. You hurt your own feelings.

That sounds like kind of a crappy therapist. You asked her an honest question and she answered you. And realistically, is it going to make you feel better if her answer (instead of 'I don't know') was 'because he was hotter than you', or 'his dick was bigger'?

but for the couples where that is not true does your spouse know that? How did they accept that?

She knows it, or if she hasn't figured it out yet I would be extremely shocked. I think she figured it out pretty quickly when I would ask her to do stuff in the bedroom, and a great deal of it was a firm 'no', or at best a very begrudging 'yes'. She's also well aware that I have a much higher libido than her. (And before the usual trolls jump in, yes I always make sure she has an orgasm).

As to how she accepts it, you just accept that not everyone is going to be 100% sexually compatible, and that's not necessarily a deal-breaker in a marriage.

I'm also firmly of the belief that while you can certainly try to be better in bed for your spouse, there are limits. If you have a particular kink and were once with a partner with a similar kink and your spouse is NOT into this, it's nearly impossible for them to be as good as the previous partner. Even if they do whatever it is to make you happy, knowing that they don't really enjoy it kills a lot of the enjoyment of it (at least for me it does).

I am definitely like your wife and I don’t always finish but I do maybe half the time but I really do enjoy it anyways. I have been with my husband since I was a teenager though. He has only ever been with me so that’s been nice. We have somehow managed to keep it fun for this last 16 years but I go out of my way to plan new fun things and I always try to do just oral at least one a week and I do it because I want too. My husband makes me happy in so many ways I think of it as like something I can do that’s just for him.

Yes. But not because he’s some magical god who just knew my body immediately. We’ve been together so long, we’ve tried all sorts of things, COMMUNICATED, and eventually we’ve both learned what the other likes. He can get me off like 99% of the time, but it’s because he knows exactly what works, and I will TELL him if it’s not.

This is not your fault. You are trying very hard and asking her what she likes/what to do differently, and she’s giving you nothing.

But what is your fault is that you’re not talking to your wife. You’re assuming she wants more orgasms, you’re assuming that if she had more, then she’d enjoy sex more. But have you asked her that?

Have you tried using vibrators with her? That is often a game changer.

Also: you are focusing on her orgasms proving the "best sex ever." That isn't necessarily true. My best orgasms are with my (now) husband, for sure. But my best sex was with my late husband. My husband knows. He also knows that I'm happier with him as a person. IDK if it bothers him (o don't think it does), but if it does he hasn't talked to me about it.

Are we grading each other on sexual intimacy? Far it be from me!

I don't think your therapist handled the situation properly.

Hum sounds to me like your therapist is using this to call some repeated actions to your attention. Has she ever done anything else needlessly damaging in other parts of your life?

My husband and my couples’ therapist is much more committed to our relationship than our separate therapists are. As a therapist I’ve read studies that support the idea that individual therapy has to be practiced with the marriage in mind because if not you could cause harm to the unit. Your therapist may not have done it intentionally, but she shouldn’t have magnified your wife as the probelm. She should have focused on your feelings, helped you understand them better and then charted a course from there.

As far as your wife, sooooo many reasons why she could be having difficulty and at this point it’s been a life long thing. Some women just don’t do it often. Solo play might help… or shared masturbation so you can have a visual of how she gets there so you can emulate. If she does it solo it’s possible she’s a little desensitized. Or it could be emotional… she could need therapy. Again, so many angles.

I think you need to talk to your wife, maybe sex for her is about intimacy and not orgasms. You need to have respectful, open communication about how each of you see your sex needs and maybe make a list of goals.

I find it kinda strange that so many people expect the partner to do all the work for the orgasm but don't want to talk about it.

If my spouse and I are having our time and it isn't perfectly clicking, we both feel okay about changing it up or self stimulation, but the place to start is an open, respectful exploration of all parties point of view and expectations.

My husband is the best sex I've ever had, but we did meet when we were both at our horniest- at university! We went through a dry spell in our 30s (he had a bike accident and was injured and even when healed was self conscious of the scars and metal in his body. He'd always been very confident before which I find more attractive. After the birth of our son I developed pmdd and that illness is a relationship destroyer!), but we fought to save our marriage, he healed, and I finally found a treatment that helped my illness. We worked through our issues, and now in our 40s, we really are having the best sex ever (although it's not as frequent as in our 20s, obviously! We tend to have to plan sex into our busy lives and make opportunities for it) I discovered a new side to myself and became a little obsessed with Dita Von Teese - we had an incredible date night going to one of her shows with a hotel afterwards. We recently had a big overseas trip and organized for our son to stay with family and had a night away in the most incredible Paris-styled luxury dungeon (in UK - belongs to a successful burlesque dancer). We stayed up almost all night and had some incredible sex and experiences! I think now we're getting older we both think, 'Hell, let's try it at least once before we die!' rather than shying away from any kind of sexual fantasy!

Vibrators and toys may help your wife orgasm - start with a drawer of items for sex play and build it up from there. Ours currently occupies a wardrobe but we're considering a whole sex room after watching the Netflix TV show together. Have fun with sex!

No and no. Why the hell would I tell my spouse that?

see i am on the opposite side of this. my partner frequently shames me bc i cant orgasm vaginally or bc i dislike certain things other women enjoy. he often compares me to these other women which is extremely dampening to my arousal and over all mood. i absolutely do not think thoughts like that should be spoken out loud.

No and no. But I’m also pretty sure I’m not her best so we’re even and no we’ll never speak about it. But I’m pretty sure I’m at least her second best and she finishes every time.

I mean… you asked a question and she answered it. It’s be different if she brought this other guy up outta nowhere but that’s not what happened.

I told my spouse they are very vanilla. Have you ever asked her if she likes lesbian porn because it's more sensual and sexy than regular porn? That can be a turn on for women who have difficulty with orgasms. Your wife loves you.

I have read that lesbian porn is a turn on for straight women including myself. I have never been with a woman but watching it is very helpful. Ask her...

Stoped reading after she won’t even give me oral

She absolutely is.  Which makes it so much harder that we aren't having it.

Given that one of my best exes told me my “eyes were too dilated to still look attractive”, it’s safe to say he’s at the very least the most respectful. And probably the best overall as well.

He’s absolutely the best I’ve ever had by f&*$)/g miles.

I’m team clit, he was the one who worked with me to find a position where I could use a clit stimulator (the satisfyer 2) to orgasm during PIV. I’m addicted to him and he knows it.

Best sex I ever had was with a co-worker in my early 20s. The moment STILL crosses my mind to this day, it was THAT hot. It was completely unplanned and neither one of us were into each other in a romantic sense. We both ended up at the same late night kick back and once everyone else had paired off, it just happened. It could have been a scene from a super sexy movie, because everything was there to make it just perfect. The right music, the right lighting, the right vibe, the right experience. I remember feeling completely dazed before, during, and after without the help of drugs or alcohol. He was also the biggest, thickest, most experienced cock I had ever had. Because we worked together, I thought the coming days were going to be awkward, but we both kept it super chill like nothing happened. About 2 weeks later, we caught some alone time, and he gave me the most intimate hug I'd ever experienced and THANKED ME for the best night of his life. Again, I was speechless, dazed, and maybe confused because it was so perfect. I said nothing. I couldn't bring myself to tell him he had changed my life and literally ruined all future sexual partners for me. A month later, he moved out of state, and we lost contact. If I ever bumped into him again.....He could have it.

I've never told my current husband about this experience. It would break him. Smh

yes because he is the only man I have been with and I am the only women he has been with

My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me

I think you missed to tell the therapist that you actually asked your wife first whether she's had this problem with other guys,

Wow! So many people who claim their spouse isn't the best sex they ever had! That's not surprising, I guess, but really sad.

I didn't marry my spouse based on how good the sex game was. That's immature.

And frankly atp it doesn't matter bc I don't dwell nor does she on past sex with others. We've been together for 15 yrs and Im super confident our sex is the best bc we LOVE and are in LOVE.

I’m thinking it might have been his size if he is bigger than you this isn’t something you can change or at least see if it is that and use a sleeve if she gets off more easily than you know, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings!